Email : Trasha@nhb.com

[You can tell a lot from a User ID.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I laugh at handicapped people and midgets.

[Life gets funnier when you leave the bathroom.]

I also don't tip ugly male waiters,

[Who wants to start a pool on the saliva content of her meals?]

I could care less about the poor.

[Too bad poor doesn't also include quality of person.]

I'm a progressive conservative, which means I favour money over the general well being of the people in the country.

[Thanks for the stinky editorial.]

One Liner:
I'm progressive conservative,I'm a woman, and yes, I'm an asshole- so sue me.

[Did you forget why you applied here?]

[Natalie settles the Idiot]

Email : thebrat@villageidiot.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Coz i m at the centre of my universe. Everything revolves around me and my needs and wants. i don't car about my family, my SO, my employeer - just numero une! Moi. C, i'm even multi-lingual - francais & english!

One Liner:
Tell it to the palm!

[Apparently waiting two days was just too long because he sent us even more ridiculous mail, which sent him into the crash and burn spin cycle with Natalie.]

Could you, like, tell me how long its gonna take to gte approved for my membership.

[In your case, quite possibly a lifetime.]

i am not used to waiting 4 stuff that i want.

[Life is full of new and interesting opportunities for growth experiences.]

Chop chop.

[Oh we already *have*, thanks.]

PART 2:
Begging and Pleading

Nat,

OK, like, um couldya pleez forgrt what i wrote when u told me that i wasn't gonna get into your club. I wwas po'd and maybe responded a little 2 quick,

I've *NEVER* not gottem anything that i wanted b4. So you haveta let me in. pleeeeeeez. I'll do anything to prove that i m the knida person u guys need.

K, like i never begged 4 anything b4, so makeit worth my while & i'll, like um, 4give u for putting me through this.

Sulkily your
ThebRAT

Case u need some reasons - *other* than my begging - 2 let me into your little club, hear they r:

- i m really inteligent (my IQ is like 134 or something)
- i waz magna cum laude at college
- i m really successful
- i NEVER fail at *ANYTHING* i set my mind 2 & i'm *NOT* gonna start with getting into ur club
- i will throw a tamper tantrum (WAH! WAH! stomping my feet)

Looking 4ward 2 ur answer!

[At this point I'm doing this for your own good. Aside from your penchant for "cre8tive" spelling (which we loathe), your IQ is *average* when it comes to members on the site, and is no indicator of you being able to hold your own on the bitchboard. Based on everything you have sent me so far kiddo, I can guarantee they would eat you up and spit you out - if they paid any attention at all to you. Consider it like stopping a child from playing with matches.

Temper tantrums and attempts at cuteness are met with cold disdain.

Foot-stamping might work with the men in your life. It won't work with us.

If you want to get in, you'll have to figure out how to APPLY through the application form process and demonstrate that you REALLY do have a clue about what HBI is all about.

Hint: it isn't about egocentricity and demanding, childish behavior in an adult (of ANY gender).]

Part 3:
The Apology

Dear Natalie

Please accept my sincere apology for all of my previous correspondence. Other than the fact that i *do* have a penchant for cre8ive spelling, the rest of my application and subsequent e-mails were bogus. The information on my IQ and college distinction, while factual, in no way indicates how i really perceive myself because of them.

[If you admit that you're a liar, then why should anything you say be accepted as truth?]

I came across your site as a result of it being highlighted in the press and am a real fan. I just thought i would give you some material with a fake application.

[Sure, that's what you were thinking. Look at the site. Do you think we have a LACK of stupid applicants that we'd need your manufactured brand?]

I hope that i haven't caused any ill feelings as a result of my prank.

[No. You're not worthy of a good lather.]

I hope you find my material sufficiently humourous to include on your site though i would appreciate it if you don't "give me away" with this message.

[No dice, bub. Unlike you, we're not fraudulent. Every rotten application I get is what someone sent in good faith to the best of my knowledge. I don't need some faux idiot gumming up the works. In short, you're not here because you can fake an impatient, spoiled, ignorant girl. You're here because you chose to do it.]

I am actually a guy, and not very bitc*y. I don't think you exclude guys as a matter of course. I am more like one of the "nice guys" you talk about.

[Ugh. Now we have two reasons to avoid you.]

Anyway, you won't hear from me again

[Who says that prayer is wasted.]

but i just wanted to say how much i like your site, and that i hope my little prank hasn't offended you too much. Bitc*es DO have senses of humour, based on your web site.

[We reserve it for what's funny.]

Respectfully yours

[There was nothing respectful about this. You assumed that we needed you to fake some material. You then assumed that we'd use it in the sense that you'd sent it to us. That's not respectful at all.]

P.S.
Based on your response - i am sure you are right. You guys *WOULD* chew me up if i ever became a member.

[Damn straight. Now go out there and read the definition of "integrity."]

Name: Fuck you

[Nice.]

Email : dumbass@starmedia.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Because i'ma motherfucking bitch. and that's why...

[See: Circular Reasoning.]

One Liner:
Bitch, bitches bitches.........

[In vino veritas.]

Name: MASTER FUCK

[Let me tell you what's irritating--well, between gnats in my kool-aid and a paper cut irritating--getting this stupid application TWENTY-FOUR times.]

Email : MASTERFUCK@SUCKMYDICK.COM

UserID : FUCK

URL : VAGINA.ROTTEN.COM/FECALJAPAN

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I SAID FUCK

[Good for you. What grade are they learning this word in now?]

GODDAMMIT FUCK YOU

[Hmm. Don't believe I've ever heard that one before.]

FUCK THIS BULLSHIT

[Ah, so you DON'T like the site?]

FUCK SHIT FUCKING SHIT

[Now that is truly disgusting. Stay out of "fecaljapan" from now on. It fucks with your mind, obviously.]

SHIT SHIT

[What else can you shit? Miatas?]

One Liner:
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

[Now this is just redundant and stupid. He must have used his A list material in the first section.]

Email : moronic driver@dhmail.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I drive like one.

[That was you?]

I am soooo tired of all the jerk-off cell phone headed morons, who think they even have the right to a drivers license!

[No one has a right to drive.]

It's either someone young and impulsive who thinks they can mess with you in their piece of crap cars or really old people with their land cruising tanks that can take up most of the road at 15 mph.

[This isn't true at all. There are bad drivers in every demographic group. You didn't even mention the yuppie upstarts, the soccer moms, or those annoying people that think the road belongs to them.]

My car isn't a piece of crap, but it's on it's way to being one.

[I'd blame the driver.]

I've now got enough stickers on the back of my car

[...to hold on the bumper?]

to piss off half the nation.

[Raise your hand if you actually get pissed off by reading a bumpersticker.]

I really think road rage isn't so bad.

[Of course YOU do. Everybody's just in YOUR way.]

I'm a great driver, but no one else around the immediate vicinity of my car is.

[I'll bet all the accidents you see are in your rear view mirror.]

So now I'm the one who cuts people off, lays on my horn, screams out the window,

[All the earmarks of a great driver.]

makes lude gestures

[Rules of the road: If you can't spell 'em, you can't make 'em.]

....that's only if you manage to piss me off in your car.

[Which is apparently by having the nerve to drive the same day you do.]

If you drive nice, I drive nice...but don't take advantage of me and my Bitch-Mobile!

[If one person doesn't drive in a way that you approve of, do you really believe that entitles you to drive in a manner that endangers everyone else?]

One Liner:
Don't give me a reason to hurt you. I want it to be completely random and unbased!

[Gives new meaning to your Road Rage acceptance theory.]

Email : quiz kid@msn.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I have no simpithy with anyone who wont help themselfs.

[Like, for example, someone who's painfully aware of their spelling problem, but doesn't proof their work?]

I say it how it is and if you dont like to oh fucken well not my problem. tell someone who gives a shit.

[Obviously that wouldn't be you.]

One Liner:
Dont hate me cuz you aint me :o)

[No, that's cause for celebration.]

Email : fiction@techline.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
When I was about 14 (junior high) I had a fan club. All these guys whom I didn't give a toss for hung around me and addressed me as "Your Highness," "Your Majesty," "Queen of The Universe," etc.

["Godmother," maybe?]

They helped me in my small business of selling cigarettes (my mum and my best friend's mum both smoked, mine regulars, hers menthol, so we had variety) to silly little preppie girls for $.25 a piece or more. I allowed people to run a tab and my sycophants would "rough up" anyone who hadn't paid in the allotted time. I once got a "friend" of mine to pay $10 for one cigarette that she was simply gagging for by telling her that I didn't want to sell it because it was my last (it wasn't). I (and my little fan club) drove out all the competition in the junior high cigarette ring and I had a fabulous monopoly on adolescent addictions.

[Don't let those gangster films fool you, it's a bit tougher to muscle people outside your fantasy realm.]

Now, almost 10 years later, I live in a completely different town, and there are still men willing to give me anything I want just for the privelege of me treating them like shit for my own amusement.

[That's what YOU call it. They say that you put out.]

The local tattoo artist (a big, huge biker-type guy) bought me flowers every other day for 2 weeks just so I would go with him for coffee, then when I did, he bought me a bunch of little-but-kinda-expensive things and then I let him kiss me (just a peck) and he bought me a VCR. Then I let him go, but he still gives me free tattoos and piercings.

[Preying on people is just sickening, whether you do it in real life (which I doubt) or in your fantasies. Develop some fucking character.]

I'll stop now, I go off on tangents easily and this is long enough.

[I'll say. You figure if you sing your praises loudly enough, they'll come true.]

One Liner:
I can't like everyone, and I don't like you.

[What a relief! Look at how you treat the people who like you.]

Email : starved for attention@msn.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
... my first inclination was to get in here and kick some man-hating asses

[Which means that you didn't bother to read before you reacted.]

but after reviewing some of the articles posted by Ms. Wokusch,

[There's hope for you, no matter how small and fleeting.]

I decided to just TRY and get in here with my head bowed and my hat in my hand.

[What? No middle ground?]

But then, I read of of the one-liners and decided to get in here and kick some man-hating asses again.

[And this is the best ass-kicking you can dish out?]

Well, at least now I know there is at least one intelligent woman in this group. And besides, I dare you to let me in.

[What are we...in grade school? Threats, bribes, dares, whining, pleading and begging doesn't work. Try showing some brain-power.]

(PS- I don't give a shit whether you like it or not, in case you were wondering)

[Convincing how you tell me this. That way you make sure that I know that you don't care, since you don't care and all.]

One Liner:
Dealing with intelligent women is all about committment. So, after dealing with one, try and get her committed.

[I hear that thinking for the first time can be a painful experience for some. Also, getting your head twisted on correctly CAN look like your world has been turned upside down. You're committing the wrong person.]

Email : very@dangerous-minds.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
your test said so and because i want to.

[Get used to disappointment.]

Besides, it's the trend now, beyach =Þ LOL!!!

[You're just monkey see, monkey do.]

One Liner:
:: when the clowns finally eat me will you come to my funeral? i am sure the dead people will enjoy stealing your souls ::

[Please, someone tell me that this is a song lyric, and not random meaningless drivel from the never-ending source in her head.]

Email : mental illness@home.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Check the page. *grin*

[I don't know why you're grinning. She sent a page that linked to a picture of a large woman with a black bar across her eyes. She was nude. She had written her own text.

4 hits of E and a "night" with the man you've loved for two years: 80$
A deck of tarot cards and a confession of this love to your loser pigdog skank whore roommate: $45
Heartbreak and humiliation when she starts banging him 36 hours later: Unthinkable. Finding the nudie pics the stupid bitch left on the hard drive: Priceless.

Don't get mad, get even...I firmly believe that public humiliation is always the best revenge.

[I'm glad you say that. You won't get angry when I tell you that I found your online diary.]

Man, number one on the list of things NOT to do before work: take a personality test that tells you just how crazy you really are. *sigh*

Some of the things I scored Very High on were: Paranoia, Narcissism, Histrionics, and Borderline (as in Personality Disorder). Go me. Woo hoo...Aw, it just adds to the Tortured Artist Persona (tm)...

And the professionals send me away. Go figure.

[Yeah, you'd think they'd know better.]

I respect people who deserve it. I also tear up people who deserve it.

[Your "tearing up" leaves something to be desired.]

One Liner:
Gloating is for the weak.

[Which explains why you do it.]

Email : crzy4boyfriend@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Sorry, I do not kno HTML format

[So whose page did you send with the "helpful hints" on HTML?]

...I'm a Heartless Bitch becuz I ALWAYZ get what I want, WHEN I want it.

[By your own definition, you are NOT a Heartless Bitch.]

..I don't put up with crap from foolish people, who have needless, and pointless stuff 2 care about...Basically, I DON'T CARE!

[Oh, how it shows.]

I don't wanna know people's pathetic little problems that revolve around there life. I'm straight up who I feel, when I feel it. I don't fall for crap other people like to lay on my shoulders, because I just put it back on their shoulders, but the twice the load

[You're supposed to shoulder your own responsibilites, not shirk them and allow others to carry twice the load.]

....These are my reasons why I feel I am a Heartless Bitch :)

[Those are my reasons why you aren't.]

One Liner:
I don't care about your pathetic LITTLE PROBLEMS!! I'm not a bitch...I'm THE bitch so get it straight!

[...straight to the back of your head with a clue by four.]

Email : dick-finder@AOL.COM

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I HATE MEN THAT ARE CHEATERS THEY DONT LOOSE THERE DICKS BECAUSE THEY ARE STUCK ON THEM!

[Funny that. They must use Krazy Penis Glue or something to hold them on. Damned wily males.]

One Liner:
I RATHER BE WITH OUT YOU "DICKLESS"

[Is your problem a lack of drugs or a surplus of them?]

Email : sunshine@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm a Heartless Bitch because I'm pissed as hell I even have to answer this.

[Stand in line. This is the excuse used most often when applicants choke.]

What, do I have to PROVE I'm not a fucking ray of sunshine??

[Prove that you can reason.]

Anybody could make shit up based on the intro you gave and get accepted. For all you know, I could be wearing a princess shirt and knitting my boyfriend a sweater.

[What makes you think that person wouldn't get accepted? There's nothing wrong with wearing shirts or knitting. Wearing a bitch shirt wouldn't help you either. It's not what's on the OUTSIDE that matters.]

One Liner:
life is too short to waste on morons, but there's something infuriating about a stupid person living a pointless life

[What other life could they lead?]

Email : too mad to think@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

Now I know what a hipocrit you are asshole
I despise liers you are a pro

can't stand you

[What kind of crack did you smoke that made you think that this was something that would get you accepted?]

One Liner:
Now I know what a hipocrit you are asshole

[Good. Now move on.]

Email : nurse?@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

im a heartless bitch beacause, I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!! i dont have the patients to explain it you!

[Talking to you for too long would make anyone "patients."]

One Liner:
Im a bitch, DEAL!

[Looks like you drew the Joker, try again.]

Email : taserchick@nlg.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
my sleezy ass ex-boyfreind cheated on me with a stripper what happened i took my stun gun to him his car and then to her car.

[So was that effective?]

those are two cars and balls that just won't function right anymore

[I take it that you tested these guns on yourself before deciding?]

One Liner:
That's not sparks were having it's my stun gun.

[You don't read the owner's manual before operating things, do you?]

Email : I.Q.Zero@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I don't let no man rule me i rule them before , they insist in something.. i'm a heartlessbitch because when a man thinks he hurting me i just laugh and say ah is that all honey, umm well move on if you're done

[You know, sex isn't supposed to be like that.]

... well i hope i make it ...

[I hope you make it too...to the pharmacist to refill your prescription.]

I.Q.Zero the quote of the month,

[Oh, this has GOT to be good.]

life is limited when u have a dog up your ass 24/7 ruff ruff ouch ... my husband.....

[I can't even hazard a guess as to what that meant.]

One Liner:
life is limited when you have a dog up your ass 24/7 ruff ruff , ouch !!! that hurt.. bite me

[And the AOL profile.]

Member Name:I.Q.Zero
Location: [deleted], Texas

[Must be something in the water.]

Sex: Female
Marital Status: TO LONG TO TELL FEELS LIKEPRISON
Hobbies: SPEND TIME WITH MY CHILDREN... MOVIES, CAR RACE GO CARTS , FISHING WITH MY BOYS... MALL WITH MY DAUGHTER, CLUBBING VARYS..BOWLING, PINGPONG, LOVE TO COLLECT HARLEY DAVISION ITEMS.. ...LOVE THEM WHEELS!!!!! .
Computers: MY OWN LOVE COMPAQ PRESARIO
Occupation: (A JOB THAT PAYS MY BILLS)
Personal Quote: MEN ARE LIKE TRUCKS THEY GET HOT AND START TO LEAK ...MEN ARE LIKE RATS THEY GO INTO ANY HOLE THEY SEE. QUOTE FOR MY MAN JUST FOR HIM... DAMN LIFE IS A BITCH WHEN U HAVE A GUARDDOG UP YOU ASS 24/7 WHO LET THE DOG OUT RUFF RUFF OUCH THAT HURT.

[When you get to that 12th step, write us back.]