For the Week of July 15, 2001
edited by JadeSyren

Email : let's do the timewarp again@au1.ibm.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I have to state outright that I loathe the whole
" '... because' [insert justification here] concept.

I know I am a heartless-bitch.
My Mother knows I am a heartless-bitch.
My Grandmother knows I am a heartless-bitch.
My daughter loves me to death, but likes me alive.

[What's her basis for comparison?]

At 6, if she felt I was a hearltess-bitch, I would be taking a good hard look at my priorities.

[Which means that your application is a load of crap. Being a Heartless Bitch doesn't mean that you're shitting on everybody.]

One Liner:
"Knowledge is all very well, but rank stupidity is often rewarded surprisingly richly" - Kaz Cooke, 'The little book of Crap'

[And I was wondering from whence it came.]

Email : bitter without a cause@netzero.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

Nope I want the MICROWAVE TOO

[You can stick your head in it...wait, that's the oven.]

It was tax season. By that I mean we (my X hus... I meam DICKHEAD and I)

[Okay, we got it, you're Mr. and Mrs. Dickhead, continue.]

were expecting our tax money in the mail. I wanted to leave him and needed money. Knowing that I would getnothing from him if he had received the check first,

[How many people put all their finances in their hubby's name?]

I swiped the mailbox key and hid it in the house. Faithfully checking the mail everyday and sometimes, I forgot and even checked on Sundays.

[I'm supposed to believe that your futures hinged around this check, and he never once asked for the key to the rest of his life?]

FINALLY the check arrived, in his name. When he came home from work that day I asked him to go and get us a pack of cigarettes. "You know we don't have any money how can I buy cigarettes?!"

[Neither of you had jobs?]

fuckface replied. The check was for $3500.00. I told him he wasn't broke and that he had about $1500.00 to spend.

[Notice that she keeps the lion's share for herself. Either she is entirely greedy, or sadly, she earned the money that came in her husband's name.]

"Oh did we get the tax money, let me see the check" I said to him, "No, you cannot see the check and here is why. I have hidden the check so you will not find it. Your friend Raymond will  drive us to the bank, where you will tell the woman behind the counter to give me HALF.

[Couldn't he have just signed it over to you, deposited this into your bank account and have you draft him a check? Wait, you probably don't have your own checking account, either. Wait...half of $3500 isn't $2000.]

At that time I will give you the check to sign If you do not do this, I will rip the check to shreds, as I have no money anyway it will not matter to me." "DAMN IT" he yelled, "You want the only good thing to come out of this marriage! "

[The only good thing to come out of your marriage is your $2000?]

I replied calmly, "Nope, I want the microwave too."

One Liner:
Men have 2 heads, it's a bitch that they only have enough blood to supply ONE at a time.

[So your husband just slips into a coma when he pops a boner.]

Email : bored@webtv.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I just dicovered my youngest son bullies and curses his pregnant wife when he drinks. I told his wife not to take his abuse as it will only escalate.

[And what a bang-up job you did raising him. Now he's another woman's problem.]

He says I'm a bitch for interfering. OK.

[This is why he grew up to be such a shit.]

One Liner:
lassca aa eartlessha itchba veryea ayda veryea away

[Inay anyay anguagelay ouyay illstay ucksay. Can you guess what her "encrypted" message says?]

Email : mange@newton.wa.edu.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
my boyfriend cries

[Who can blame him?]

my friends think im cruel when i simply state the truth my ex boyfriends are afraid of me

[They know the truth.]

I get totally called one every day

[Not by anyone who matters.]

One Liner:
i've smoked fatter joints than that...

[Like I couldn't have guessed that you were rockin' the ganj with this application.]

Email : funny you say@freeze.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
...because i do belive that sentimental things sucks

One Liner:
hbjkhb

[I doubt that's a word, even in Romania (that's where she's from).]

Email : Nacho@Macho.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I eat Heartless Bitches For Breakfast

[We're crispy in milk.]

One Liner:
suck me

[No way. We're on a no dumbass diet.]

Email : gottorejectme@earthlink.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I just am! There's no need to ask! Everybody that even knows my name already know I'm a heartless bitch and not to mess with me!

[Next time ask both of them to help you with this application.]

If they ever asked me if I thought I was a heartless bitch or not then I would kick their ass!

[Ass. Singular. As in one person.]

If you don't think I'm a heartless bitch then fuck you because I already KNOW I am, along with everybody else in this god-damn world!!

[Sounds like you just throw a lot of temper tantrums and hissy fits. Grow up.]

One Liner:
Oh, you want to know why I called you an asshole? Because you just are,

[Anyone can call someone names. It takes skill to make them stick.]

and I suggest you don't question me again unless you want your 2 centimeter peter chopped off!!

[2 centimeters--give or take--what's the difference? Who's going to miss a one-inch cock?]

Email : Dumbstar@cox-internet.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm a

Heartless Bitch

[It's horrifying to realize that you're a blithering idiot only to find that you stay one.]

And brutal honesty is what a Heartless Bitch is all about, right?

[Yes, with a heaping helping of intelligence. Sorry, sister, if you can't put up, SHUT up.]

I don't put up with anyones shit.

[Hell, you can't even define your own.]

I'm almost sure you've heard this on every other submission, but I'm unique.

[Ox, meet moron.]

Why? Because I am. That should be reason enough.

[Why should it be reason enough? If you can't talk about who you are, what you think you're doing here, or at least what you think we are, then don't let the door hit ya.]

One Liner:
If your penis is as small as your brain, tell me what I'm doing here again?

[Do you need the answers given to you ALL the time?]

Email : no ears@canadapost.ca

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
im a hearless bitch because i dont let people walk all over me.its my way all the way

[That's because you're not listening to dissention, being a hearless bitch, and all.]

One Liner:
you CANT have wut u CANT catch

[If I caught it, I'd just throw it back anyway. Or try to find the cure.]

Email : buttery topping@optonline.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I ALWAYS SMILE AT THOSE WOMEN PRETENDING TO LOVE THAT CERTAIN GUY THEY ARE WITH. AND WHEN THAT CERTAIN GUY LOOKS MY DIRECTION I SIMPLY SAY: IN YOUR DREAM BOY.

[He only has one.]

I JUST LOVE THE COMPANY OF WOMEN AND YOURS ISN'T NOT ONE OF THEM.

[You're right! Now go figure out what you just said.]

One Liner:
TAKE A PICTURE IS LAST'S LONGER,BETTER YET GIVE ME A NAKED PICTURE OF YOUR GIRLFRIEND

[God, you lame people could screw up an anvil. It's "have any nude pictures of your girlfriend? Want to buy some?"]

Email : pinkeye@excite.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I am a Bitch because I dump my boyfriends over the phone so that I don't have to see the look on their face,see them crying,or hear their whining.

[Ah, you've noted that they are all crying, have you? Ever notice that you can't tell sadness from elation on the phone. You're hearing tears, alright, but they ain't all from sorrow.]

One Liner:
Lick Me,because I don't like you or your mama.

[That's not how you ask for your pussy eaten.]

[And one more time]

Email : pinkeye@excite.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Bitch.Yes,I do KNOW that I am one.I know when to to be nice and when to give you an attitude.I don't have PMS to blame.It's all in the way you present yourself to me,and that tells me weather I need to tell you to "Fuck off and lick yourself" or weather

[Okay, twice is NOT a typo.]

I need to say "Hello,how are you?".

[Imagine getting THOSE confused.]

It's all in the way you use it.Go ahead call me a "bitch",I find it to be a compliment and I will kindly say thank you. :-)

[Or she'll just invite you to lick her again, then insult your mother.]

One Liner:
If I smack you,will you go away?

[You don't need to threaten people to leave, just talk to them for a while.]

Email : loserva@disinfo.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i hate dumb whining people. i grow restless after sitting through 10 minutes of sapiness on tv. adults who don't take responsibility for thier actions really piss me off. i really don't care about anyone but myself and my best friends. i am queen at the office politics game to get what i want.

[It's probably Twister.]

3 promotions in 6 months...yeah).

[Right tit, Blue. Left cock, In.]

One Liner:
i don't want to hear about your problems unless they affect my life directly...

[Yes, you are our problems.]

Email : caboose@wk.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Because I don,t give a fuck about what people think of me any fucking given day of the week. And I am tired of people making fun of my 4 foot ass.

[Is it wide, long, or deep? How do you fit through doors? Hard to find chairs for your house? Do you have warning lights? That little beep-beep-beep when you back up? Do people point at you and say, "Goddamn, that's a big, fat ass?" How much is YOUR ass wipe bill?]

Now deal with this all you BITCHES

[Which Bitches?
All y'all.]

One Liner:
BITE ME

[Artistic representation of a 4-foot ass.]

Email : mancreep@btinternet.co.uk

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
The sight of men on their knees begging for forgiveness(its an ironic role reversal), Leonardo Dicaprio sinking to his icy death in titanic (why didnt you let him on your raft Kate you daft bint?!)

[Kate isn't a real person. She's just an actor playing a character in the movie.]

and the price pornstars pay for over-inflated lethal

[Lethal?]

pieces of plastic to be inserted in to their bodies makes me laugh.hysterically.

[Not as much as they laugh when creeps like you rent the same flicks over and over again.]

One Liner:
In response to creepy-pseudointellectual-over-confident-alleged poets who try

[Today's trend of jamming as many adjectives as possible into one sentence is annoying. REAL intellectuals can express themselves with one or two well-chosen adjectives.]

to woo you with shoddy recycled shakespeare;"pretentious cocky bastard, so full of verbal swill - your fingers reached much further than that maggot ever will.And I didnt even need to plajiourize a dead bloke either."

[Maybe you should have, yikes!]

Email : bardystinky@theglobe.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
blah blah blah yada yada yada waa waa waa whine whine whine Ima douchebag.

[This doesn't deserve anything better than, "I know you are but what am I?"]

One Liner:
You all suck

[Yo' mama.]

Email : needs to be a personal bitch@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I love heartless bitches that treat men as valued accessories and servants.

One Liner:
I can get her to do anything she wants to do.

[That's like punching me in the fist with your eye, or kicking me in the foot with your ass.]

[AOL Profile]

Member Name: toy
Location: anywhere You want.
Sex: Male
Marital Status: divorced
Hobbies: being a houseboy to severe Dominant women - not a hobby but r/t.
Computers: just this one. icq#[deleted]
Occupation: i'm afraid so - no 6/49 plan B yet.
Personal Quote: the answer is "42". i.m seeking a strict woman who needs a houseboy/companion/slave on a long term basis

Email : marble@san.rr.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
A lot of people think I am a heartless bitch because I cannot stand to hear about who's having a baby, someone's NEW baby, "days away from having her baby," etc. Who gives a shit! I'm childfree by choice and it's probably a good thing because I'm getting to be a heartless bitch.

[There's only one thing I hate worse than hearing someone define themselves by "the Thing that came from my twat," and that's you complaining about the thing that came from her twat.]

One Liner:
When I want your opinion, I will still leave the room.

[Which means that you can't commit.]

Name: why the hell do you need my name?

[I don't, especially when the application is this execrable.]

Email : not a babe@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
You say im a bitch like its a bad thing!?? im not a bitch im the bitch and miss bitch to you! 666 license to bitch! Ive got pms and a gun in my pocket did you want to say somethng??

[Yes. STOP READING KEYCHAINS!]

One Liner:
3,2,1 (((BANG))) one less dickhead in the world!

[Because her head just exploded from remembering the correct sequence.]

Email : nuttin in her noggin@home.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm a hartless bitch because: Well first of all, I was using this name on a chat program "hartlessbch". And some woman sent me a message saying she loved my name and I just had to go and see "this" web site!

["This" as in it's nonexistent? As in you think you were first?]

And once I got here... I loved it! It's me to a "T". I know what I want and I WILL get it..no matter what! Often, I say what I'm thinking, and don't think about what I'm saying and It ALWAYS gets me into trouble!

[We're just the opposite. You'll never fit in here. Everything that flits through your noggin isn't fit for print. Right now I'm thinking that I need to shower and pee. See how this works?]

My husband and I are getting divorced because he says I have a quote: "attitude problem". I just tell him, my attitude isn't the problem, HE IS!

[He sure is. Get out now, mister. You don't need her.]

My favorite thing to say to people is, I'm small, but if I don't stand up for myself, who will? Currently my status message on Yahoo messenger is: THE BCH IS BACK..STAY OUT OF THE WAY".

[Don't worry.]

One Liner:
I know what I want...and I WILL get it!

[Right in the ass.]

Email : bad-luck charm@earthlink.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm already a card carrying certified Bitch

[Well, certifiable, anyway.]

and I have hats, shirts and a license plate on my Corvette to prove it.

[By your "wear it and be it" theory, wouldn't this make the CAR a bitch?]

When I hear people talking about some female they are pissed off at and refer to her as a Bitch I insist they call her a cunt because you have to earn the rank of Bitch.

[While that may be true, you can't earn this by buying shit with "Bitch" written on it.]

One Liner:
Call me Bitch with reverance, on your knees preferably!

[I prefer not to be bothered by the calls of the mundane.]

Email : stoopit@actrix.gen.nz

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I hate old people and babies because they are slow and dump and animals that get under my feet also piss me off.

[The whole world's just in your way.]

One Liner:
Have no smypathy for gaggling babies and dottery old grannies how can't tring together a proper sentance.

[No, continue. You were saying something funny here.]

Email : no, yourstupid Oh, yes@certifiedbitch.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I made you read the following...

[Picture a child jumping gleefully up and down shouting, "I made ya look, I made ya look!" That's the crux of this application. For those of you who have better things to look at, such as navel lint, the dust in your keyboard or the crust in the corner of your eye, allow me to inform you that this work isn't worth the effort to satisfy your curiosity. It's chock-full of silly typos, basic grammar usage errors, sexist and horrifyingly predictable macho stories and shit in general.]

One morning I wake up and my female isnt there to pleasure my gentails.

[And it's a sad day in Mudville when you can't get your gentails pleasurified.]

I go down to the kitchen very upset and longing for good head.

[Surely the one on your shoulders is lacking.]

Again to my suprise my female is not in the kitchen. This confused me very much

[Because you'd lost your way, and in a drunken stupor, you ate the breadcrumbs you left from the last time you got lost.]

and took me a few hours to figure out why I didnt attach her chain to her when I

[You're improving. Last time you pondered on it all day.]

went to bed. Or maybe I did but didnt make it short enough.

[You figured that your dick is short enough for everybody's.]

After being throughly disatisfied and still in need of good head I walked into the bathroom to see my female pleasuring herself with a cucumber half the size of my massive penis.

[That was no cucumber! That was a jalapeño.]

Again, I was quite confused,

[What's confusing to me is how you differentiate this confusion from your normal, default state of confusion.]

because she knows she is not allowed any where else besides the kitchen and my bed where she has to make continously good love

[As opposed to continuously making good love to him.]

to me whenever I want. While in the bathroom many sounds were coming out of her mouth,

[Yes, it sounded like, "Help me, dear God, HELP! I'm bored out of my mind in here!"]

I did not know if these were real or not but they sounded like the ones she faked in bed because she thinks I care.

[I don't get this. Why do you let her speak? You're as half-hearted in your fantasies as you are in life. If you're going to be a sexist pig, do it right. I can do better than this shit.]

Well after thorough examination of the sitution Iwas in, I decided to take action the 1st words that came out of my mouth were "Woman, Knees NOW!"

[So she put you across hers?]

After decent head, she started to spit my sperm out and say it tasted funky,

[What do you eat?]

I made her lick it up off the floor with her tongue.

[As opposed to licking it off the floor with her eye.]

And give me a big smile while saying "It tastes wonderful."

[...but you don't care what she says.]

I then marched her down the kitchen while having her stroke my penis while I fondled her.

[We know that you can't walk and fondle at the same time.]

I found a chain shorter than the one she was attached to earlier and tied it around her neck this time,

[Figured that one out yourself, did you? You have to attach the chain to the object you wish to restrain. Just attaching a chain to the bedpost doesn't work.]

thus not allowing her to chew through it.

[How is she supposed to chew through chain?]

After thinking about what I wanted,

[Two days later....]

I yelled, "Female make me some goddamn blueberry pancakes, and before you ask you damn well know I want whipped cream!"

[You he-man hunk o'male flesh, you. "The girls really go for the butter pecan."--IHOP commercial.]

After hesitation the woman got to work. These pancakes were very satisfiying

[Yes, yes. Eat deeply. The poison is at the bottom.]

and so was taking her head and putting her mouth back where it is most welcome, back on my dick. The moral of this story is you are suprerior to all your females/women so make them do what you want and dont take shit from any of them.

[Another tale of one man's satsifaction with Real Doll™.]

One Liner:
I know you like me !

[Yes. I like you more than Ebola.]

Email : idiota@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I tell enough white lies to ice a wedding cake.

[Now where have I seen this before...I know!]

One Liner:
No more tears now; I will think about revenge.

[Been gone over a year and THIS was the best she could do.]

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