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Jan 6, 2002
1999-2001
Weak of the Week
The best of the worst M ship Applications

For the Week of July 1, 2001
edited by JadeSyren



Email : eekies@metroweekly.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i'm a heartless bitch because i am a woman with a mind and goals of her own, and i don't believe in being fucked up the ass w/o the lube by anyone or anything.

[Being fucked in the ass with lube = A-ok!]

One Liner:
from the powerpuff girls:
thug: "hey, sweetcheeks, what's your name?
ms. bellum: "stop."

[You fucked it all up. It's "what's your sign."]



Email : mailbaby@in-touch.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Hey, I was sent this Heartless Bitch shit through an email newsletter.

[Slow down. WE didn't send it to you.]

It had one of those tests to see if you were an Hearless Bitch and I qualified after taking it.

[Really? You flunked THIS one. Essay tests--gets 'em every time.]

Even said I already knew I was a Heartless Bitch. Okey?

[I understand the confusion between "gray" and "grey," but there is no controversy involving "okey."]

One Liner:
Oh, if you think you're such a big man then why you bend in the shower for the soap and such f--- yourself!!!!

[What a conundrum. He's too big to intimidate himself.]



Email : jizzboy@HOME.COM

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
belly to belly skin to skin spread your legs babby and let your daddy in

[Babby? Who the hell is "Babby"? Are you cheating on us?]

One Liner:
cum and see what i have to offer

[I can see from here that it's not much.]



Email : juvenile@netmost.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
There's nothing like catfood when the old man wants to whine about food.

[You think you're so tough because you trade his everyday, human food for cat chow, but you're still cooking for him.]

I got so tired of his incessant bitching about food, especially regarding his perceived lack of food choices. In order to appear accommodating,

[How could you be MORE accommodating? Kneel before him and become a living table?]

I decided to fix some "corned beef" sandwiches using "Super Supper" catfood

[My ass. Next time say "Chicken and Rice." Super Supper is too fishy to be mistaken for corned beef.]

and a little salt instead of canned corned beef. He and his buddy both ate them- and raved about how good they were.

[What did his buddy ever do to you?]

Once they were done I gleefully showed them the empty can. Now when he wants "special food" he bloody well knows to get his happy ass in the truck to go get it his own damned self.

[You probably don't want to know what he's putting in your face cream.]

One Liner:
Nasty, notorious, wild and wicked.

[Where?]



Email : slomo4u2@houston.rr.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Well, first of all, I've always been accused of being a bitch by both sexes.

[Some people will accuse anyone of anything.]

Perhaps, it's because I stand up for my beliefs, often in the face of tremendous opposition. I am fearless when I want something.

[Just like a two-year-old in a toy store.]

I hate political correctness and despise "minorities" who want to be "given" something for nothing instead of "earning" respect for accomplishments.

[You are one of those "minorities." How's that shoe taste?]

I have no problems going head-to-head with anyone.

[It's easy to risk all when you have nothing to lose.]

One Liner:
You say "Bitch" like it's a bad thing!

[Yawn.]



Email : doof@lucent.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Use them, abuse them, and throw them away. (Advice on what to do with men)

[In case you didn't know what she was talking about.]

One Liner:
Use them, abuse them, and then throw them away.

[It wasn't funny the first time.]



Email : unfortunate typo@homail.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

[Too busy to fill this out.]

One Liner:
"I can only please one person a day, today is not your day, tomorrow is not looking to good either"

[You must work on a street corner with an off-ramp.]



Email : Hidee@cs.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I am a redhead, need I say more?

[So are Carrot Top and Howdy Doody]

One Liner:
I am a Queen...and you are not worthy.
My next project is your boyfriend.
Get on your knees & lick my boot.
I've moved on, you better do the same.

[Even Carrot Top's funnier than this.]



Email : silly@fuh-q.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

 

I don't give a shit about hurting people's feeling if they hurt mine. Revenge is a  dish best served by me. Don't think so?

[This gives shouting a whole new meaning.]

I flamed [someone's] attackers and I crashed their gbook.

[How proud you must be. It probably killed itself when it saw how large your font size was.]

I have been thru alot of shit.

[Must be where you get your material.]

I can deal it out 100x worse. Piss me off and you pay.

[…through the guestbook.]

Email

 

One Liner:
Hey kids gather round. Do you know what?

:kids: What?

:The most POWERFUL..

[Okay, so who is speaking here?]

now I am taking big motherfucking power here.. the most POWERFUL position is on your knees!! Did you know that? It's true!

[The average kid is smarter than this one.]

:little kid: but why??

Because that is the easiest way to

[…get kicked in the teeth?]

get your bidding. and if they don't get what you want bite the weiner.

[Little kid: Why does he have food in his pants? What the hell are you talking about? I'm telling MOM that you said bad words.

Do you think that little kids need any lessons from you on how to get what they want?]



Email : simpleton@simner.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
There was this one particular idiot I was dating, and he decided that "Hey, wouldn't stalking my girlfriend be funny?" So after one incredibly long day at work, the little weasel decided to follow me. Now I could have pulled over, been panicky and begged him to stop.

[Another option would be to confront him and tell him what his consequences would be if he continued this behavior. Use a no-nonsense voice.]

No, I decided that I'd take him on a joy ride into "Deliverance"

[Squeal, boy. You got a purdy mouth.]

country and leave his sorry ass there. Alas, I could not find a suitable place to drop his sorry ass, so I drove 4 hours into Mid-Town Manhattan

[Waitaminnit. You think MANHATTAN is anywhere NEAR "Deliverance" country?]

on a Saturday night.

[You decided that the best course of action was to waste four hours of your life? You can sit still in Midtown traffic for hours. Big deal.]

I knew a short cut that shaved hours off of my time, but little country boy, who hated anything city related had to fend for himself.

[You guys sound like "Green Acres."]

I mean this is the kind of guy that calls people "fag" (don't ask me what the hell I was going with him, I still haven't figured that one out.

[Because you're the kinda girl that dates anything with a cock.]

Now anyone with a brain would take this as a sign that said female does not require your company any longer.

[You didn't think that there was a simpler way to send THAT message?]

Not so with this particular jerk. A week later he present me with a ruby necklace and earring set. Now I should have given it back.

[If you had any character, you would have.]

I should have turned on my heels and walked away...but no I just couldn't do that.

[Greedy and stupid.]

I took the jewelry and headed to Service Merchandise (his store of choice), and instead of trying to cash it in for some moulah, I exchanged it for something much more useful

[I can't think of anything much more useful than money.]

...a Pentax K-1000 fully manual camera. I actually took a picture of the look on his face when I told him what I did.

[And you wonder why he can't take the hint? Try giving him one.]

Ya know what? He actually got the hint after that.....suprising huh?

[What some of you women do ceases to amaze me.]

One Liner:
Yes, I'm a bitch, and you are.....

[Flushing your application.]



Email : neener@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
my man annoyed me so i hit him over the head with a phone, so he can shutup.

[Anything to avoid not having a man.]

One Liner:
crack kills

[That's the first step. Keep this application around so when you're sober, you'll know how you sound when you're on crack.]



Email : stinky sentiment@att.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I don't back down at the sound of a male opinion.

[So what's a male opinion?]

I don't gasp with shock and horror every time someone tells a good boob joke, I don't cry every time I don't get my way.

[Just most of the time?]

I DO voice my own opinion, tell even better boob jokes, laugh at the moron who tries to keep me from my goal, and I do it all with feminine grace, not the bull dyke attitude

[Heaven forbid!]

that gives assertive women a bad reputation.

[What reputation is that? That they can live completely without the approval of men?]

I'm no princess, but I certainly don't need to dress in full metal jacket to get my point across.

[Of course not. You're the kind of tough that some guys like, and you're happy to stay RIGHT there.]

I can be a lady, and still reduce you to the stuff I wipe off my high heels before I walk in my house.

[Oh…you can bring home the bacon (Enjoli). Fry it up in a pan (Enjoli). And never, never, never, never let you forget YOU'RE a man. 'Cause you're a wo-man, ENJOLI!]

That goes for men or women, I'm equal opportunity when it comes to morons who don't know when to stop talking.

[Does that go double for you?]

One Liner:
Better to remain silent and be thought an idiot, than to speak and remove all doubt.

[Irony. It does a body good.]



Email : lame@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
ok wait a minute....if my submission is lame?

[…you'll continue ranting?]

who's running this? some as*hole man?!!!!!

[Guess again.]

I'll show him lame !!!

[Yes. You've shown ME lame.]

NO..I'm not bitter!

[No, just very, very stupid.]

One Liner:
I can't express how I feel about men in one line !

[You can't EXPRESS gas.]



Email : stink@joymail.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
opinions are like assholes, and the only one that matters is mine!

[So what IS it?]

One Liner:
God's gift to women was toilet paper, not YOU, asshole! So get lost.

[No, not toilet paper. Ass wipe.]



Email : fathead@hswcc.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
real bitches don't have to explain themselves!

[REAL Heartless Bitches don't choke on the question.]

One Liner:
shut your manpleaser.

[What's a manpleaser?]



Email : laugh@centurytel.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I am:
Beautiful
Inteligent
Talented
Charming
Horny!

[And it's affected your "inteligence."]

One Liner:
Bitch, Bitch, Bitch
Whine, Whine, Whine
Moan, Moan, Moan

[No wonder she's in a rut.]



Email : stank@mediaone.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
My violin is so small I can hardly play it anymore. I have absolutely no tolerance for weakness of spirit, shame of mind, and bad drivers. I think religion sucks and steals lives.

[So far, so good.]

Get rid of the rules, especially the ones on your website.

["You are in a position unsuitable to give orders." -- Mola Ram]

I'm not even sure I can stand you.

[What makes people like you apply anyway?]

You all sound like petty tyrants with all that judgemental crap about not letting lesser-than-heartless bitches become members.

[If just anyone could join, then what's the point of membership?]

Does any one of us know who we really are?

[How many personalities are in there?]

One Liner:
I make a good wife....and a good husband.

[You're schizophrenic…and so are you.]



Email : immature@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i dunt put up wuth men's shyyt n i lyk to make boiez cry......i cant keep a steady b/f cuz they all think imma brut but its just how i treat men in general

[No, it's the way you talk. It's like nails on a chalkboard.]

One Liner:
u men look at me in disgust but just remember who wears the pants in the relationship

[For the last time, there IS no relationship.]









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