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Jan 6, 2002
1999-2001
Weak of the Week
The best of the worst M ship Applications

For the Week of March 31, 2001]
edited by JadeSyren



Email : spank-me, mommy@csm-systems.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Actually, I am somewhat submissive and therefore interested in exploring the dynamics of an abusive female-male relationship. Make any sense?

[You can start masturbating now or is being held up to scorn not your idea of an abusive relationship?]

One Liner:
Carpe diem, life's too short to bitch!

[...because it cuts into the time you spend surfing for porn.]



Email : no-feminist@hotmsil.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm a women sympathizer,

[Being a woman isn't pitiful. If you mean feminist, say so, or be forever thought insincere.]

and feel that women should recieve equal pay for equal work.

[Slow down. You might kill yourself with all that radical free thought.]

One Liner:
To truly love a women a mans man can say without conviction yes you are right and would you like the remote.

[In other words, lie.]



Email : luckydog@home.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

[What? All out of ideas?]

One Liner:
looking for hb to harrase me

[You got it. Now pass this out to all your friends and tell them it's you. Harassment and humiliations galore will be yours.]



Email : self-proclaimed SKANK@KIDROCK.COM

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'M A HEARTLESS BITCH BECAUSE I JUST CAME THAT WAY

[I'm filling out the rebate form as we speak.]

One Liner:
BITCHES RULES!!!

[You're the apple of your teacher's eye.]



Email : cheapneasy@hiwaay.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
my husband is an asshole but he swings 12 inches and makes 50 grand a year so i love him for his mind.!!!

[He's addicted to your low standards.]

One Liner:
your telling me because!

[How else are you supposed to learn if no one tells you? Certainly it won't grow in there of its own accord.]



[From the "I skipped reading the manual" section.]

aight aight, i'm trying to make a membership for your website here and it's rejecting me here...what's the deal yo?!

[Trying NOT to cringe as I read the rest of this.]

something about not accepting web address and i did place an addy there...

[We don't accept hotmail, yahoo, excite and a host of other free, web-based e-mail providers.]

so there'z something wrong in there that you gotta check out. as for now here's the info. that i filled out that it didn't accept.

[Remind me to thank the Supreme Bitch for the automated stupidity bouncer. It saved me a LOT of pain.]

[Her STELLAR application:]

email address: LET ME IN@hotmail.com

web addy: [All I can say here is that she has one.]

Password: give it to you later, if i'm accepted

[No, dunderhead, this is the key to HERE. Should you get accepted (HA...I kill me) this would be your password to the gates of OUR fair city...so to speak.]

I'm a heartless btich cuz...

[I should probably give up all hope now.]

i am sick and tired of people looking down at me just because i am petite...

[Platform shoes might help. When 90% of the world is taller than you, there's no other direction to see you BUT down.]

i may be small, but no one can and will push me around! hate them haters who think they are better than everyone else and i hate them bitches in heat who always try to get a damn dude between their legs! fuckin cock suckerz who have to pay to get sex!

[It's frightening to see a teen-aged mind poured out in an application.]

"aww i broke a fingernail.." that shit does not cut it! what the fuck does a friggin fingernail have to do with anything!

[You tell me. You mentioned it.]

shEesh... and i hate them so called wannabe damsels in distress...we have to many of those shitty folkz around, no need for more whorez. if women fought for so long for their rights and freedom, we don't need none of these lil' hussy shiet to bring us back down.

[Just look at the damage willful stupidity can do!]

it'z a new day and age, and get over it! all them haterz..argghh... that's what influence me to join the fucken military...of course i need to wai t another year cuz i'm a pretty youn

[End of transmission. Saints be praised.]

One Liner:
Don't talk to me! i don't want no one with a dick up thier ass and mouth talking to me cuz i ain't down with that...i demand RESPECT and y'all better listen to me cuz i'm the f*cken AUTHORITY!!!

[There it is, the hope of the future, shining proudly on this page. I, for one, am in awe. I'll play an extra lottery ticket tonight to help the education fund--they need it.]



Email : weasel@themoneychannel.co.uk

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
check my site because it rocks and is there to promote heartless bitches of the world. Also because I take every opportunity to hurt and humiliate men.

[I know that you're thinking. She must have a pretty decent webpage, right? She foregoes filling out her form because her site does all the talking. What does she do with her web space? You guessed it. She devotes a whole page to cute guys, and the bulk of it is her ferrets. I think "Bitch rules" gets the opening statement, and you never hear from it ever again. In other words, "Bitch rules" is what she says "rocks." Wrong __cks word.]

One Liner:
fuck off

[Because she's a natural wit.]



Email : dickdazed@voyager.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Lorenna Bobbitt is my hero...except instead of a knife..she should have used her TEETH......

[Euw. She should have used her BRAIN and FEET and ran away for good. What IS it with all this cutting off/maiming/destroying dicks? Her teeth, indeed. It's hard enough to cut a steak.]

You asked me if I swallow big fella?

[Why are you dating guys that you don't like?]

One Liner:
You're sick? AWWW go ahead, do it...take it easy, you know, put your feet up, pretend you're a man!!

[Women like you make me laugh; you whine about the guys you date, and you're the victim because you think that you somehow had no choice in the matter.]



Email : incoherent@bitch.org

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I may have a heart of a woman but if I choose, I would be heartless

[Bear in mind that this girl is Malaysian, so I understand some trouble with the language. This sentence is close enough.]

One Liner:
Yeah, you like my outfit? don't fake the deal, I thought you said you had a girl on the light bill

[What? This sounds like she just strung a bunch of idioms together.]



Email : indulged@ucla.edu

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
"Why My UCLA E-mail Address Will Just Have to Be Good Enough for Now"
By Indulged

Short version: I've recently moved

Much More Interesting Version:
I'm an only child. (Doesn't that automatically qualify me as a bitch?)

[Why? Because your life alone is so much harder? Whine me a river.]

As my future plans of moving away to college became closer and closer to becoming a reality, I began to realize how absolutely incapable I am of sharing a room with another human being.

[Because she's a princess in crybaby clothing.]

So, I convinced my parents that it would be cheaper if they let me get an appartment with a couple of other students (one of whom happens to be my boyfriend).

[I can imagine a lot of "cheaper" alternatives. This is a "less expensive" alternative to them putting you up in an apartment of your own. If you wanted "cheaper" for your parent's sake, get a job. Cheaper would have been living on campus.]

We (my boyfriend David and I)had a little trouble finding people in our group of friends whose parents felt the same,

[Shame on those strict parents for making rules and guidelines. How dare they demand some character development from their children.]

so we ended up having to use the school's web site to find another couple that wanted to room with us.

[Woe. Is. You.]

David and I ended up sharing a three-bedroom appartment with Stefani and Jeremy This was good, because the two boys could share are room, and Stefani and I could each have our own.

[Why didn't you share a room with your boyfriend? You just expected the boys to bunk up. Why not bunk up with Stefani?]

We all even pitched in and payed for a joint AOL account. It seemed like the year would be going quite well.

[So what's $21.95 split four ways?]

By the ninth week of the quarter, David and I were ready to kill Stefani and Jeremy. You see, Jeremy had this thing with clothes; he didn't like wearing them. I don't know how many times I had to walk into my own living room and see what looked like a pinky finger and two walnuts stuck together and sitting on my couch.

[I only wish I could get Jeremy and Stefani's side of life with the two of you. I'll bet he'd say that it was his living room, too.]

And that wasn't all. Stefani's part of the rent was always late and David and I usually ended up having to split the difference "Just until payday".

[Did any of you have jobs, or were Stefani's parents just late with the rent? Either way, I don't see how you can complain if she PAID UP. Whine when the rent's over a month late.]

Not to mention the fact that the girl couldn't clean up after herself if her life depended on it. But the last straw was when those two started making... noises all night. The two of them started to sound like yaks at mating time.

[Especially when you've got a glass to the wall.]

David and I decided it was time to move out.

[Weren't y'all fuckin' too?]

Unfortunately for Stefani and Jeremy, we neglected to tell them until the day that we actually moved out,

[What shitty, self-indulgent behavior. You can expect that when the tenants are little more than children. You didn't hurt THEM, nimrods. You just fucked over the landlord.]

which was the day before rent was due. Well, we didn't actually tell them, but I'm sure that when they came home from class to find our stuff missing and the power, water, and gas were shut off, they figured it out.

[How proud your parents must be. Some friends you guys turned out to be. Because your friends walked around naked, fucked too loudly for your tastes, were slobbish, and paid the rent off schedule, you two geniuses leave them homeless.]

So there you have it. (in english: remember the joint aol account? well, I can't exactly use it anymore now can I?)

[Not that a .edu address is unacceptable, but AOL has features like moving an existing screen name to a new account (so you can pay for your own) and there are many ISPs that you could have used.]

One Liner:
"don't snitch on the bitch"

[It's a waste of time, anyway.]



Email : ambivalent@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i'm living w/ a guy that says he loves me but when he bores me or annoys me I call my back up and go out. whatever is up to my emotions at the time. So I guess my line is "NEXT!"

[But he's still living there...with you.]

One Liner:
Next! {see above for explaination}

[It boils down to evasion instead of resolution.]



Email : Like, you know@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
because like dumb girls always like say like and i just want to like knock them on their ass

[Do tell.]

One Liner:
"look at that little thing... is that an extra belly button? you need to put your pants back on honey!"

[At least SOME shortcomings can be hidden. Yours is obvious.]



Email : saywhat@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i have been fuck over so many times by man

[That's right. All men, not just one.]

that can say it like it is and fuck around on me with dogs that i fight back with all i have now and they run nut me

[Nut you is right.]

lolol;

[Laughing at her own joke?]

One Liner:
is to got back what they took from me

[You mean what you gave away. You've still got it, you know. Hope that it's not catching.]



Email : www.[there's no www. in her name]@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
because i have this boyfriend and he thinks that im stupid, he thinks that i dont know what he doing, but i know every little thing that he does.

[He's right. You're stupid if you know "every little thing that he does," and you still stay.]

One Liner:
bitches dont get mad, they get even!!!

[They don't stick around through that bullshit.]

how you luv that!!!

[He loves it just fine. He gets to do what he wants to do, and you're still there holding his slippers.]



Email : lamedumbass@tacheiru.every1.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
So-called "survivors" nauseate me. I just got through a flame war

[Uh-oh.]

with a load of them on a mailing list. I've earned my bitc stripes, or have I?

[Not a chance. According to your website, this mailing list is comprised of feather-weights in all things aggressive. Flame wars are in and of themselves strictly juvenile. However, having been on mailing lists, I know that anything remotely resembling a dissenting opinion is incorrectly called a flame. I don't deal with people that only want to surround themselves with sweetness and light and tones of agreement. They'll wind up on Prozac in no time. I imagine that those "survivor" lists can be pretty catty as well. I don't have time for catty bullshit.]

One Liner:
Stuff it in a can!

[You can do better than this.]



[From the "I just GOTTA be the center of attention" Files.]

[I'm not without scruples. Just because someone is begging for a public flogging doesn't mean that I will oblige. Sometimes I just quietly throw their letters away, hoping that the sender will come to some sort of awareness and show good sense, grateful that I didn't capitalize on a low point. This sender obviously didn't.]

From: "sugarlips" <sugarlips@notafan.com>
To: <yourstruly@heartless-bitches.com>
Subject: I cant believe you, you put shite letters you can answer back to on your site. But because this letter was actually good you cant be bothered to answer back. You are lame.

[You hear that. Get ready to read a GOOD letter.]

Jade rips into the best (read: lamest) membership applications that didn't make the cut in the latest "The Weak of the Week"

Well it sounded promising, unfortunately Jade doesn't have a fucking clue.

[Remember that she said that I was the one sans clue.]

Maybe you should change it to: Jade (our very own Care in the Community member) feebly attempts to tear at the edges of the latest The Weak of the Week

[Comedy ain't pretty. As you can see, it ain't easy to come up with material.]

Unfortunately for Heartless-Bitches.com, they didn't so much give the role of reviewing "The Weak Of The Week" to a Heartless Bitch as they did to a Mental Invalid.

[I can almost see her foaming at the mouth in a frenzy to get attention. As if ONE appearance in Weak of the Week wasn't enough.]

However, I am in awe of Jade's honed sense of sarcasm. Or at least, her fervent belief that she has that ability.

[It's a lost art form.]

I would like to point out that picking up on people's punctuation and grammar flaws is about as patronising and bitchy as saying something along the lines of:

[Oh wah. It's not as if I require college level grammar. Having an online conversation with someone that lacks rudimentary grammar skills is about as much fun as having a phone conversation with someone eating crackers. Frankly, I just don't have the time. I can't hold up my end of the conversation and YOURS too.]

'  Hey everyone I can spell.' or '  Me and my fellow bitches have conversations using words with like more than 3 syllables.'

[We're more proud of the profound lack of superfluous "likes" in our conversations.]

or '  We are armed with the <b> tag and kindergarten sarcasm.'

[Sour grapes, indeed. Read all about her. Codename: Sugalips.]

This is all fine and dandy but when you make the most fucked up spelling mistake whilst attempting to take the piss out of me its just all the more hilarious.

[I'll bet I can think of something even MORE hilarious. How's about informing someone of a spelling error when you're simply not familiar with that particular word. Loads of laughs.]

After Jade made some pitiful remark about my name, pointed out all of my spelling mistakes (thanks Jade that came in really helpful)

[I corrected a sentence fragment. Your spelling wasn't called into question. I'm sorry to hear that "Deliece" was your actual name. Your mother has a bigger sense of humor than I do.]

she finished off with the bitchiest most condescending comment That has ever been thrown at me: *Drumrole*

[Wait a while. You're young yet.]
[She's a regular Angel of Dearth.]
Dearth? I'm a regular Angel of what? Is that like in code so only fuck wits like Jade and the other sheep on this site can read it?

[It's actually a pun, which is a higher form of humor than sarcasm, reputedly. I can understand if you didn't get it. I can even understand if you don't find it funny. It's not a misspelled word, however. Now you're an ass all over again.]

Well gee now I feel left out.

[You mean aside from making a big deal about nothing? Aside from not getting accepted this time? Aside from your name sounding (to me) like Delousing?]

I just find it so amusing that you pick up on all of my spelling

[You just like the spotlight. I challenge you to go back and find any spelling corrections for Sugalips.]

and then misspell "death". I knew you would rip my e-mail to shreds on the web site but that's why I sent it,

[Extra credit points. You DO have the courage to admit that you want attention.]

I thought it would be hilarious to see what bitchy comments would be made. What a fucking disappointment.

[I'm not here to impress you.]

You could have a sort of plan or slogan for members:

[I have a better idea. Why don't you throw your pity party somewhere else?]

My 3 step plan for gaining confidence:

1. Register domain name

2. Start Clique

3 Belittle people

Hey I feel good already.

[You skipped the part where people like yourself send me totally inane shit.]

Ooh I almost missed out my favourite bit Jade is so cutting and snipy, I just love the way she had nothing to say about what I actually wrote so she just picked at how I wrote it:
[Then? ...then what? You can't have a sentence that starts with an if clause and not include a then clause. Do yourself a favor; go back to reading self fucking help books because you've completely missed the point here.]
[The "you're just eating your own liver in self-loathing bitterness" remarks were already taken.]

How could I have been so blind!!?? Of all the mistakes I could have made!! Why oh why did I "not include a then clause".

[It might have something to do with clarity of thought. How hard IS it, after all, to finish a sentence that you've started. It's more than just a grammatical query; we're all just dying of curiosity (extreme overstatement) to know how "If you want to walk around with a rat up your ass 24/7 and be all *blah blah I'm a bitch blah blah you're an asshole blah blah I have PMS*" ends.]

And exactly what point have I missed? The point that you really don't give a fuck what people write just so long as its all spelt perfectly?

[What is the site about, Deliece? While you figure that out, consider why you wanted to join. Consider why you DIDN'T want to join to the point that you decided to write us and tell us that you didn't like us. That point...not just the one on your head.]

The point that people like you will never see past the flaws and mistakes,

[You make it hard. Some people accentuate their assets; others just dare you to find them.]

you will never see the POINT people are trying to get across to you? Are they the points I have missed?

[Person. Singular. That would be you. Your point is obscured by the fact that you have no direction; you simply know that you don't agree. Your previous message was so far off base that I thought you were mailing to the wrong web mistress. Where is it said that women should not have sex appeal, for example? Your argument was poorly stated, even less substantiated, and stank of sour grapes. You couldn't have screamed "I want to join, but I know you won't have me" any louder.]

I thought about the comment I made about calling you all Heartless Sheep and realised I had no real proof

[Sadly, you knew that your comments were unfounded...and you mailed them anyway.]

you were sheep until word perfect Jade says:

[Bwa ha ha. You're the sharpest crayon in the box.]

Bwa ha ha?

[Bwa ha ha. It's akin to Mua ha ha. It's variants of laughter. Mua ha ha is more sinister. Bwa ha ha is more mockery, to me. How is this proof of sheepdom? That would be "Baa ha ha." Don't worry, it's another pun. Still, if you're going to cry wolf (wincing and ducking) you should try not to sound like the other nay-sayers that flock to the same (lack of) standards.]

All my love a 15 year old with a clue unlike Jade.

Deliece

[Wait for it.]

And just in case Jade actually meant to write "dearth" it doesn't make sense as I couldn't possibly have a lack of anything.

[So, you find yourself with a dictionary in your paws and finally look up the word that you're contesting. You find that it IS, indeed, a word and still you submit this letter TWICE. How's THAT for not letting facts interfere with your opinions.]

I cant wait for the comment you put about that. Remember the <b> tag

[This will be the last you hear from me, Deliece. It is about as much fun as it is challenging to argue with a child barely in high school. Remember that when I ignore your commentary, it's not from fear, but from a sense of fair play.]








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