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Weak of the Week
The best of the worst Membership Applications

For the Week of February 18, 2001
edited by JadeSyren



Email : X-marks-the-slop@studentmail.newcastle.edu.au

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Just becausexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Just becausexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Just becausexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Just becausexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Just becausexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Just becausexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Cross stitch sampler? Perhaps it's for the best that she chose to censor herself.]

One Liner:
Is it in yet ?

[This application? It will not happen.]



Email : Lopez-fan@localnet.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I don't get PMS I just get hormonally homicidial!

[Pfft. Being ruled by your hormones is only marginally acceptable when you're an adolescent.]

One Liner:
I am trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my ass!

[Trite, boring and lame.]



Email : self-pitying_loser@qwest.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Although I'm a Pure Bred AKC Registered Basset Hound, named [deleted], I'm NOT just some(female dog)bitch!

[The bitch-dog connection is as worn out as it is not funny.]

My owners heart has been torn into little pieces, smaller than a qwark, and I want him to not be hurt anymore. So, now it's my turn to defend him!

[Tell your owner to get off his lazy butt and stop wallowing in self-pity. The only thing worse than wallowing in it is foisting it on others.]

Although I made him help me write this,(I hid the remote controls)as a compassionate Service/Companion Animal, it's something that I just HAD to act on now!

[Do yourself a favor. Run away.]

One Liner:
If you hurt my owners feeling or break his heart, I'll contact some of my "Registered" pals, and gnaw at your skull! - [The dog]

[Tell your owner that's it's sad that he'd sic a dog on his would-be girlfriends. Maybe THAT'S why he's not getting laid.]



Email : evilelf@freeserve.co.uk

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I told my muver to go fuck herself and get out of my life. She has an now i have a huge house in the country to myself.

[It's called an asylum. Get back to your room.]

One Liner:
I can see my face on your head its so fucking god damn shiny!

[For the last time, Mr. Clean isn't a real person.]



Email : DubblBubblz@[not aol.com]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
One word sums up my bitchness-- Impacience.

[That's not a word.]

I'm tired of stupid people who ask stupid questions,

[…or misspell their ONE word.]

and those who have lost the concept of saying "thank you" when someone does something nice.

One Liner:
(My Graduation Quote): "The b-tch has left the campus; underclassmen you are now safe."

[I'm sure they thanked SOMEone for your departure.]



Email : pussy?@msn.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Well now your making me feel like a freakin pussy.

[That's a new one on me.]

I don't have to explain why I am a Bitch.

[If you're applying here, you do.]

But I will tell you about myself b/c I want to.

[Why else? Surely you're aware that I can't force you, although I hope the fear of being here would deter some.]

I don't go picking on people for no apparant reason. That would only show insecurity. Insecurity is not what I have.

[That would be instability.]

I know my wants in life and I'll be damn if anyone gets in my way. I'll tell you everything straight out just like I told my room mate that I would be surprised if she didn't have any STD's because she fucks every Tom, Dick, and Harry. I told her this when she had the nerve to question me why I did not allow her to use my bathroom.

[Why would she have to use yours? What happened to hers? Is there only one? How did you get sole ownership? You'd rather she pissed on the floor? How is that more hygienic? Are there lines drawn around the apartment indicating your lines of death, and which is your side of the room and her side of the same room? Get out of grade school!]

One Liner:
Fuck with me & I'll be your living nightmare!

[As opposed to a dead one?]



Email : empowerment-woman@verizon.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I AM ALL FOR THE EMPOWERMENT OF WOMANHOOD!

[So proved by the mighty capital letters.]

I DO NOT NEED A MAN TO CARRY MY GROCERIES UP STAIRS FOR ME AND I SURE AS HELL DON'T NEED ONE TO HELP ME BUY A CAR, JUST BECUASE i'M IN A BAD MOOD DOES NOT MEAN I'M ON MY PERIOD! I SPEAK WHAT IS ON MY MIND BECAUSE MY MIND IS ALWAYS OPEN!!!!!!!

[That's your mouth.]

HELL I'M NOT A HEARTLESS BITCH, I'M THE HEARTLESS BITCH

[You were right the first time.]

One Liner:
NEVER GIVE YOUR EVERY THING TO ONE MAN, BECAUSE IF HE LEAVES HE'LL TAKE EVERYTHING WITH HIM!

[That's only because you had so little to offer in the first place.]



Email : clare-ly silly@gilico.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
It's not my responsibility to make anyone else's life easier! Plus, my submission has enough grit to market as cement...

[You must have edited that part.]

One Liner:
If you want to make a good impression, use plaster of Paris. Be yourself.

[What is this thing you have with hardening materials? Out of Viagra?]



Email : shah-head@unsw.edu.au

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
because i screwed my auntie and her daughter and enjoyed it

[Because it was a nice change from masturbation or because you'd sink your dick in anything with a hole?]

One Liner:
eat my ass pickledick

[Charming. But you don’t NEED charm to bang the family.]

[The Shameful Sequel]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
because i screwed my auntie and her daughter and enjoyed it

[Nope, not funnier the second time.]

One Liner:
eat my ass pickledick

[Would I want fries with it?]



Email : grimy@vermontacademy.org

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i am a heartless bitch because i really only care about a few people and i am not a bitch i am the bitch!!!!!

[Whoa! Slow down there, sparky. Pace yourself.]

One Liner:
what? ca you say bitch?

[You just like saying "bitch", don't you?]



Email : not again!@azmail.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

I'm a Heartless Bitch because:

I believed the bull shit my culture told me.

[This only makes you gullible.]

I spent over thirty years trying to obtain the afore mentioned bull shit.

[Why chase something that you ALREADY had? You said you believed it, why obtain it? Way to waste over 30 years. Which reminds me, when you say that you've done something for over 30 years, you're trying to rationalize it because you're around 30. Do you expect me to believe that you've been doing this since birth?]

I now KNOW the bull shit WAS/IS bull shit!

[Better late than never, I suppose.]

I am compelled to warn the younger women of the BULL SHIT that awaits them.

[How long did it take you to reach THIS conclusion?]

I take pleasure in warning the younger women of the BULL SHIT, while the bullshitters are near.

[All this obsession over shit, and you've yet to tell me what you think the bullshit is. You're hardly the candidate to teach, but an example of what NOT to do.]

The afore mentioned bullshitters are members of both sexes.

[I'm talking about one right now.]

My goal is to become Head Heartless Bitch In Charge!

[I am simply stunned that people actually use this marquee tag.]

One Liner:
Who the hell told MEN they’re in CHARGE!!
And why do so many WOMEN believe it!!!

[You should know better than anyone, since it took you over 30 years to figure it out.]



Email : M@uea.ac.uk

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I am a heartless bitch because I refuse to dress like a Christmas tree and act like a Virgin

[Wrong holiday, it's Valentine's Day now.]

just to get laid. Also, I refuse to make my intellect a compensation for my gender. I never 'melt' when I see babies or kittens, run a mile at the sight of Bridal shops, and have been known to laugh at funerals. Oh, and I NEVER tip.

[That just makes you cheap.]

One Liner:
Don't tell me to smile - you're the prick that burst my bubble

[Don't take your bubbles out when there are pricks near.]



Email : self-proclaimed slut@email.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i despIse sTupid guyS N gAlZ wHo BrAg aBoUt THeiR pOpularity .... n STINKIN'
PPL wHo cAnT aLwayz giv uP DoIN' their shit
tiz ppl are DESevE To B caLLeD A MEATHEAD

[Oh yeah. Some people earn that title. (You could see that one coming, couldn't you?)]

One Liner:
get off my ass

[Sound advice. Get OFF your ass.]



Email : Oscar@geotec.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Let's put it this way... I ask you go get me a packet of Sweet-N-Low. You bring me back Equal. That isn't what I asked for. That isn't what I wanted. That isn't what I needed, and that isn't going to suffice. I know you don't really know how things work around here, so I will tell you. You have no brain. No judgement calls are necessary. What you think means nothing. What you feel means nothing. You are here for me. You are here to protect my interests and to serve my needs. So, while it may look like a little thing to you, when I ask for a packet of Sweet-N-Low, that's what I want. And it's your responsibility to see that I get what I want, got it?

[When Kevin Spacey applies for membership, he's more than welcome to it. Shame on you for not crediting him with this speech, and misquoting him as well.]

One Liner:
If they can't start a meeting without you, well, that's a meeting worth going to, isn't it?

[You need to come up with your own shit, and stop trying to fool me with relatively obscure movie quotes.]



Email : lazy girl@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I just am. And I don't feel I have to prove it to other heartless bitches such as yourselves. OK?

[I love the demanding attitude that asks permission.]

One Liner:
I know what I want, get want I want, and I don't give a fuck if you care or not.

[Let's explore her AOL profile and determine WHY she doesn't care.]

Member Name: [lazy girl]
Location: [deleted]
Sex: Female
Marital Status: *Je recherche mon prince*

[Aw, poor baby.]

Hobbies: Listening to music, eating food, hanging out, doing anything that's not boring basically.

[Hanging out isn't boring? Glad you don't waste your time with anything resembling thought.]

Computers: Who cares, I sure don't.

[Quelle surprise. You should understand that, it's French.]

Occupation: Pizza Hut S l u t

[Interesting. Eating IS one of your hobbies. How is eating a hobby?]

Personal Quote: "It is better to lose a lover than to love a loser!"-"I'd rather be hated for what I am, than loved for what I am not."

[Not bad quotes.]

-"Eat well, stay fit, die anyway."

[This is so typical from someone who works at Pizza Hut AND lists eating as a hobby.]

-"Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it."

[Another decent quote, but it doesn't improve the general stinkiness of her application.]



Email : hard-on@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

[Do I hear a pin drop?]

One Liner:
a stiff dick has no conscience

[It doesn't have a brain, and neither does the human it's attached to in this case.]



Email : Luvmybambi@[don't-make-me-laugh.com]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Heartless Bitch Fucking A right, Worthless Bitch always,

[Indeed.]

Nasty Bitch oh yeah!!!

[Well, this application is rank.]

For all you Wanna Be Bitches listen carefully. This is   Words of Wisdom from a True Righteous Bitch.

[This is the blind leading the blind.]

One thing I don't have time for is a Needy Bitch, they need to have their asses kicked.

[Hence the name, Needy Bitch.]

As for you fucking Stupid Bitches I wouldn't waste my time with you bimbos.

[How do you dare to differentiate yourself?]

Life's too short and being the Master Bitch that I am the best thing your dumb ass could do is suck a fart out of my fat ass!!

[Since you've been blowing it out of your ass since you got here.]

I do have to say (I know its been used)But Fuck it here goes Life is a Bitch they say and then you die????? True Hardcore Bitches NEVER die!!

[No, that lame, brain-sick interpretation hasn't been used to my knowledge.]

One Liner:
Beautiful, Individual, Takes no Shit,

[B-I-T..-N-S?]

Controlled Cunt, Homewrecker.. BITCH!! That be me!!

[Controlled Cunt? Who controls you? Tell them to make you leave the internet alone.]



Email : princess-crackhead@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm a Heartless Bitch because I'd sooner run you over then honk my horn.

[You have no idea how much damage a human can do to a car. Do you know how much you'd be inconvenienced by the repairs alone? Honk the fucking horm, dimwit.]

Hey, you should've looked both ways before you crossed my road, short stuff. A good way to piss me off is to address me as 'Hey, women.'

[Why? Are you big enough to be two people and sensitive about your weight?]

I wear pointy shoes for just such ocassions. "All the better to stick my foot up your ass with, my dear." I blame no one for my behavior,

[So you say NOW.]

you reach a certain point in your life you are responsible for your own actions. However, if I don't want to be at fault for something, it would be best for you to make yourself scarce because I will point my beautiful finger your way.

[It's all about you, Princess Crackhead.]

And if you 'dissaprove', I'll show you my pretty front door.

[How'd I get in your house?]

One Liner:
I am women, hear me purr.

[How many personalities are trapped in there? Run! Run for your lives! Escape while ye may!]



Email : goober@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

[Say again.]

One Liner:
Some one call the "WAH-BULANCE"

[This actually should read "WAHM-BULANCE." It's still unfunny.]



Email : dickstrangler@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Because I can hit an exposed testacle

[How many men run around with their nuts hanging out?]

at 50 yards with a bamboo slingshot and set it resonating to Greenwich Mean time-- and I do mean MEAN!!!

[Everybody's got skills. Some are more marketable than others.]

One Liner:
I've strangled more out-of-line one-eyed trouser worms

[Dicks breathe?]

than Colonel Sanders has croaked chickens! ###

[If those poundsigns indicate numbers, you're very short of your goal. I'm sure that the Colonel offs more than a thousand chickens a day.]



Email : ter'e's-girl@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
ter'e all dogs, and i'm not going to feed another one, or take him for a walk. i'd much rather walk alone.

[I can honestly say that I haven't the slightest idea what ter'e is supposed to mean.]

One Liner:
who r u ?

[Damn who I am, who the fuck's ter?]



Email : biteme@annoyinggirl.com

URL : Not that you can LINK to...

[It's probably a teen angst session. Who needs more of that?]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Get a life, get a clue. OK?

[Are you asking me or telling me? Even people that want to tell me off ask my permission first.]

If you're so fucking stupid that you can't tell the difference between Feb. 15th and March 10th,

[Like how you can't tell the difference between January 7th and April 10th, which are the actual dates of the webpage in question.]

then your website is seriously sorry, you suck, and please drop off the face of the planet. Do us all a favor.

[So why are you applying?]

My REAL e-mail is [something free]. That's not because I'm poor, or trash, or anything negative.

[It's most likely because you're trying to evade something, which is the point of not accepting web-based free mail. I don't care if you're poor.]

It's because I think my parents pry through my shit enough of the time without having access to my e-mail.

[Someone who claims she can crack into the CIA can't figure out a way to keep her e-mail safe from her parents?]

I'm 15 years old- 10 bucks a month is a lot of money, especially when your allowance totally sucks.

[And you're a crybaby. That's the price you have to pay, kid. Hide behind your age and get treated like a child. Go get a job and earn some money.]

If you disagree with me, fuck off, eat shit, and die. Got it?

[I'm taking option B. Telling you how and why you're not as clever as you think you are.]

Good. And don't spew rules and regs at me- I've had enough of those to last me several lifetimes.

[In fifteen years? Kill yourself now, because it only gets worse from here. You'll be hearing rules, regulations and what you can't do until you die. Adapt.]

I'm intelligent, nasty, jaded, and cynical. I'm not a "whore" or a "slut",

[What?]

I'm not easy, and I'm sick of listening to it.

[Change the channel. Where's this EASY stuff coming from?]

I'm not the valadictorian-elect. So what? If I gave a flying fuck, I could be.

[Not if you misspell valedictorian, you can't. It's okay to NOT be the valedictorian, but it's not okay to have sour grapes about it.]

I focus instead on computers, RPGs- interesting stuff.

[EASY stuff. There's that word again. It's no wonder you like Role-Playing games, you're so unhappy with who you are that being an oversexed Vampire WOULD sound better. Waitminnit! Don't those have RULES?]

I have an URL- but it's none of your business.

[Thankfully, you've kept that location a secret. I couldn't take anymore excessive java script sites.]

I'm also foul-mouthed- but if you have any brains, you've noticed.

[It doesn't take an exceptional wit to be vulgar. So fucking what if you have a foul mouth?]

Why can I get away with pissing you off...

[Because you haven't. I get more angry at people who spam my mailbox.]

good question. How about: "Because I can hack the CIA- you should be a piece of cake."

[You can't even keep your parents out of your e-mail.]

If you want to spew flames at me, go ahead- but I LIKE flame-wars.

[They are just your style.]

One Liner:
"I have your password. Don't make me dial up there."

[Just be glad that I don't reveal your REAL e-mail.]



Email : urinesample@email.msn.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm a heartless bitch because I drive my own car 50 miles each day and stop to piss on the side of the road despite the male cops behind me.

[My mother always told us to go before we left the house. You can't hold it for an hour?]

And when they ask me what I'm doing, I look at their pathetic crotches, smile, and tell them that I was looking for four leaf clovers. So as my pants are around my ankles and the glare from their headlights shines in just the right spot, I ask them for assistance. So the drool escapes from the sides of their mouths, and their pathetic crotches spring to life,

[All the cops in your area are aroused by a pissing woman?]

I hike my pants up

[Aigh! When do you wipe? Nasty.]

and tell them to nevermind. I can find my own fucking four leaf clovers.

[…but you can't find a rest stop.]

One Liner:
The tattoo on my tit reads, "I love my cock-a-poo,"

[You tattooed your dog on your breast? You actually put how much you loved your dog on your breast? Did you get that idea from alt.pets.dogs or alt.bestiality?]

not "I love your cock,"

[Wouldn't that read "I love MY cock?"]

so quit disrespecting my dog and I and go buy someone else a cheap $.50 beer, ya mutt.

[It shouldn't surprise me that you'd hang out in a dive.]



Email : barbis1@whatever.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I have had it with whiny, immature men, who expect women to accomdate and get used to there habits, likes, etc. but don't do the same in return. I'm outspoken, opinionated, and proud of it. I have more male friends than female, and I've been told I think like a guy.

[And you'll never know how stupidly sexist this is.]

One Liner:
When in doubt, pull it out.

[You SHOULD have retracted this application.]

Absence makes the heart grow fonder OR makes the eyes wander!

[Yawn.]



Email : speed-seduction_for-women@tbaytel.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I love men and I especially love sex, whether its a one-nighter event or in a relationship. I pick up men at bars, sometimes just for kinky sex,or a possible relationship. I always choose the men I want, I always approach them first either by buying them a drink or asking for a dance. If they don't respond, well fuck em!!! There are plenty of dicks out there up for grabs. I am independant and love it that way. I own my house, have a great job with great pay and look after my body. No man will ever control me....I love to be in control. I desire to be in your club to enhance my bitcheness and also to contribute what I find WORKS!!

[You think we sit around here and figure out how to pick up drunk men? You think this is so challenging that you'd need to offer tips?]

Its great to find such a site I feel connected to already.

[Only because you're completely confused about where you are. Hint: Not a bar.]

Cheers!!

[No, really. NOT a bar.]

One Liner:
Whinning, sympathetic, and moping women are bad for our image...Get a life already!!!

[Outside a bar, apart from dick, what life do YOU have?]





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