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Weak of the Week
The best of the worst Membership Applications

For the Week of February 11, 2001
edited by JadeSyren



Email : death@direct.ca

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Mold is infesting the nether regions of my body And it's all your bloody fault

[Sounds like Mold is creeping along the interior of your cranial regions, too.]

One Liner:
take my wife... please

[Why didn't you borrow the FUNNIER material for your application?]

Email : spoiled@excite.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I am a princess and completely spoiled, but I am an even bigger bitch. Nothing irritates me more than stupid people.

[How about people that use web-based free mail to submit their applications?]

I define stupid people as anyone without any common sense.

[...like people who just don't read all the helpful tips before they take the plunge and apply?]

I cannot stand girls who whine and play helpless and look to men to bail them out of simple situations. I am 100% self reliant-a total indendent woman.

[...indentured?]

I live by myself and I pay all of my own bills.

[Damn Destiny's Child. Damn them.]

But most impotantly, I don't answer to anyone. I do what I want, when I want, and with who I want. I totally use my womanly assets to get what I want from men, but it isn't because I need anything from them.

[So independence means that you can use men, so long as you don't really "need" to.]

I do it because I think it's funny and because I can. I think it is helarious that men look at me and think because I am young and cute that I am helpless. If a guy offers to put oil in my car, by all means I will allow him to.

[Because you lack character, and it's all about you.]

I don't need him to, I can totally do that by myself. It is just funny to me when I take my car to the shop I can show the same idiot exactly what's wrong with it because I already got under it to examine the problem before I brought it in. I hate the fact that they don't listen to me, but I laugh when then come back later and tell me I was right. I get tons of kicks out of proving people wrong and doing whatever it was that they told me I could never accomplish.

[But first you bat your eyes and see if any willing males offer. I got ya.]

I am a high maintenance kind of girl, but I deserve it. I have no problem telling a guy he can go to hell because he picked me up five minutes late. My time is too precious, I have more important things to do with my life

[Like finding the perfect mascara to bait your trap.]

that to sit around waiting. I am a total bitch and my family cannot understand where my attitude comes from. My girlfriends are standing in line to take lessons to adopt my "I don't give fuck" attitude.

[Those come free with purchase of any complaint rock album.]

One Liner:
Don't get attached; I only want to fuck you.

[...over.]

Email : hullofrom@[this was actually cute].com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm a heartless bitch, because, I just am.

[Now you're here because you did.]

One Liner:
"get out my way!"

[Plenty of room in here.]

Email : drunknproud@keg-party.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm a Heartless Bitch because I'm tired of the world being run by the same brainless automoton jocks and cheerleaders that I hated in high school.

[So how old are you now?]

My goal in life is to NOT fit into any category or any stereotype, thereby creating a completely new category that is completely exclusive to me. Oh, and I also find a large amount of entertainment from pointing out [URL deleted] the stupidity of the afore-mentioned conformist colonies (aka the majority of Corporate America).

[Well who doesn't? Kinds disrupts your goal of being totally unique.]

One Liner:
I am not a "feminist", I'm not a "women's libber", I'm not even an "individual"...I'm ME.

[What's YOUR definition of individual?]

Email : she-just-doesn't-care@spray.no

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i couldnt even care enough to answear this stupid question!

[Do you think this makes you more qualified or less qualified?]

If u havent figure it out yet dont even mind asking,you are such a good exampel of how stupid guys are!

[YOU drew a blank and I'M stupid?]

One Liner:
and you know my cell phone is smarter than u

[You should have asked it to make up an application for you.]

Email : vibrator@suffolk.lib.ny.us

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Like to insult my husband and tell him what a worthless piece of shit he is

[Nothing could top the shame he feels just by being your husband.]

and cheat on him and let him know it.

[So why did you marry him?]

One Liner:
Life's and bitch so i've joined the club.

[Just not this one.]

Email : moron@korumburrasc.vic.edu.au

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I scream at everyone who shits me

[Very nasty imagery.]

and say whatever I like to anyone, no opinions kept inside my mouth BABY!!!!!!!

[Glad to see you've kept up the theme. You've got none in your brain, either.]

One Liner:
Talk to the elbow 'cause the hands just not worth the extension!!

[This is why white people shouldn't be allowed to tamper with black idioms. Tell it to the hand was funny; talk to the elbow is not.]

Email : crap@telusplanet.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm a heartless bitch because I got my ex kicked out of his Alcohol recovery home by sending 4 bottles of liquer (thank you dial a bottle) to it under his name. (more evil ex stories avalible)

[You've got us confused with the crazy bitches down the internet block. Tell this story, and you're in.]

One Liner:
If assholes could fly the world would be an airport

{Assholes are just like the rest of us. They can fly, run, jump and submit applications. That's what makes them annoying.]

Email : LilMsDemocrat@dumbsite.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Men just need to go suck their own

[Stop submitting the same crap EVERY week.]

One Liner:
Challenge: Put your head between your legs and suck your own

[Challenge: Think up a decent application.]

Name: I Am Nicole Asshole

URL : [Associated with the dumb site previously mentioned.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Shut up, go away, and no I do NOT need Midol!

[I would have recommended Ritalin.]

One Liner:
I was having a good day.....and then I rolled over and remembered

[That it was all just a dream? That you were still you?]

I was married to you

[...and you're under 15? Is it your uncle?]

Email : heymista@online.no

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I just don't care if a man get disappointed when there's no sex on the first date, why should I? Yes, we can kiss and everything,

[So everything doesn't include sex?]

but does that imply that he's gonna get lucky?

[Where's the "no" signal? You were giving him green lights, babe. So, yeah, it IMPLIES luckiness.]

And; of course, we all get heart-broken every once in a while (quite often if you're enjoing life), but does that meen that we have to lock ourselves in our rooms and cry?

[Some even get locked in padded rooms.]

Get over it! Yes, it's tough, but we all go through it.. There's plenty of men out there, just go crazy!

[Worked for you.]

I know it's an outworn phrase, but I still agree with it: "men, you can't live with them and you can't live without them"...

[I'd sure like to see an application that doesn't mention them.]

One Liner:
"Yes, I'm a bitch, because when you act like an asshole I act like a bitch! Got a problem with that, asshole?"

[You're not still talking about that sex on the first date issue, are you? I'm with him. Women need to start taking responsibility for their sexuality. It's not a free-for-all. This means that you're not a bitch, you're a tease.]

Email : Lion-O@psykopat.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
some people call me Thunder Bitch

[...Thundercats Ho?]

and that is not because i like kelis.. that is because I am a real Heartless Bitch!

[Either way, it's a pretty stupid nickname. Thunder Bitch. Pfft.]

One Liner:
I hate britney spears and christina aguilara mother fuckings asses.. because i don't think they've got something going on in their heads. i know they make terribal music and all that kinds of stuff.. BUt maaan! can't some smart bitchy women like x kelis come to the word some times, at least she have a brain

[I HATE it when I get my wish this way. Okay, now I want an application to NOT mention men or pop stars.]

[And again.]

Email : Tygra@psykopat.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Some calls me Thunder Bitch, and not because it is keliss nick.

[That would be why they call Kelis "Thunder Bitch."]

One Liner:
It is lovely to be a bitch. You don't need to care about athor people, you don't need to do anything you don't whant to do..it is just like that..chillin!.. If you don't care about anybody but yourself then you are a real BITCH!

[I could cry. I get an application that doesn't mention men or pop stars, and it still sucks rocks.]

Email : eyuck@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm a Heartless Bitch because: I bit my Husband's testicles off during oral sex. Why? you ask well because that fuck went off and had an affair on me with another man.

[Okay. Putting him out on the street wasn't enough? You expect me to believe that you bit off his sack?]

One Liner:
I didn't use bitch as my password because that is my name

[You could have gotten away with "smart1" if you wanted.]

Email : ThestupidOne101@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i just am. men and women are afraid of what i will say about them, and im known as the BP. balloon poper,the ego deflater.and my personal fav. the heartless bitch! i dont take shit from anyone, especially pricks (men)

[Aren't those balloon poppers too?]

One Liner:
"yes im a bitch, tell me something i dont know"

[I'm afraid I don't have that much time.]

Email : fecalphiliac@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
BECAUSE I'M A HEARTLESS BITCH, DAMNIT!

[Teen angst is not a reason.]

One Liner:
TAKE REVENGE...SHIT ON PIGEONS!

[If you got your lazy ass up, you would make a harder target for them.]

Email : lamesadrepetitive@Interbiz.ca

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Because I fucking said I am. Is that a Problem?

[Only if you wanted acceptance.]

One Liner:
DO NOT Cry on my shoulder

[It's not used to supporting the weight of a head.]

Email : SweetLilbarf@aol.com

UserID : Benjamin

[Unfortunate soul she's dating.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I refuse to put up with crap, whether its from a friend or stranger.

[WARNING: Avert your eyes now if you LOATHE bad verse.]

You don't know me, you don' know my style, I'm just a naughty girl with a good girls smile!

[Aigh! This shit hasn't worked since "float like a butterfly, sting like a bee." Stop doing this.]

One Liner:
Sure, I'm a bitch, but I'm sure as HELL that I'm not your bitch.

[Bitches don't belong to anyone...unless you're in prison.]

Email : dildogal@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
all my ex-boyfriends were such assholes that i broke them up with the girlfriend after me..and after that...and after that...

[Going on with your life never occurred to you?]

One Liner:
you like my ass? take those dildos you usually shove in yours and use them to gauge your fuckin eyes out!

[Why all the hostility? So the guy likes your ass? Is it rational (look who I'm talking to) to want to strike him blind for that? Grow up. Besides, you'd be pissed if he DIDN'T like your ass.]

Email : why_bother@caramail.com

UserID : lion

[Then the seizure hits.]

URL : hafeazrgvdbvugvcj

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
lgknoho^;ibhipb jojuhoyhg

urhygehkehnhh ènj

ookn     nvnyiiooir

One Liner:
iuyttadcbacg jhg

[If you don't like us, just don't apply.]

Email : dumb-n-proud@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i refuse to

[...learn to spell?]

be a perppie and have to deal with every one i dont take shyt from no1

[And they'll drag you down the halls of learning kicking and screaming all the way.]

One Liner:
im a bitch i have class mess wit me i kik ur ass 4 all those hoe who think they kool memba this BITCHES rule!!!!

[Did the cheerleading squad get together and apply, or did you go see "Sugar and Spice" en masse. This sucked without the creative spelling additions.]

Email : darkangelkillyourtv@hotamil.com

[She submitted this twice. This time she got her email wrong.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Some of the men in our society make me ill! They have no brains to figure out what wemon want and need. wemon

[Hmm. I don't know if she's making a statement, or if she just can't spell.]

who strive on male attention make me want to slap their god dammed faces off. I hate wemon who flaunt themselves to get shit out of men who cant controll their fuckin hormones. Mabey men should take a look at their selves and realize no they arent the "shit" they need to sit their asses down and shut up!

[Maybe you should stop ranting and start thinking.]

One Liner:
NO you are not gods gift to wemon! Get off you fuckin high horse and sit you Dumbass down and shut up.

[Where'd the "r's" go?]

the dumbest men are the ones who tell wemon fake shit to get some. so take your bullshit and self concided ego somewhere else!

[Envy...it devours some whole.]

Email : annoying-prick@clarkson.edu

[How NOT to get accepted: Part 3 - the condescending asshole]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
HBI
you wrote in your movie section
"Chasing Amy" An independent film about Alyssa who takes a chance on a guy even though she's obviously a lesbian. We follow closely her character as she comes to terms with all aspects of her sexuality and what her love with this man means to her. A touching story that pushes the limits on American film treatment of sexual relationships
"Courage Under Fire" - The 1st Woman ever to be nominated for the metal of honor. She is THE bitch.
I would like to make a couple corrections on your movie reviews.

[Is Ebert auditioning for a co-host, too?]

The Medal of Honor comes with capital letters and is a medal, as in an award, not metal as in one of the various types of crystalline minerals found naturally in the earth's crust.

[Yes, we are in the process of filtering through the errors on the site. However, corrections are not generally submitted through application. This scores you about a -1 on the smarts scale.]

Also, the character Alyssa isn't "obviously a lesbian."

[Are we talking about the same movie? What do you mean by obvious? Do you mean that she didn't look like k.d. lang? Is that your idea of obvious? These are "obviously" your problems. Personally, I think if you find out on the first occasion to be social, it's obvious.]

She's a young woman who is strong enough to conceive relationships that don't follow what you might call "the rules" or "the code."

[No, that's what YOU would call it. I'd call her a lesbian. However, I don't think much about a Kevin Smith production long after the credits roll.]

I find it interesting that Alyssa ends the relationship because it doesn't fit into the ideal of a heterosexual rule bound one.

[Are we talking about Chasing AMY?]

Her partner needs to find himself, yes he's insecure and so on, but nevertheless she leaves because he wants to find himself.

[She leaves because he was an asshole.]

He realizes he needs to grow and develop that security but she is not secure enough to let him, she fears change within herself.

[Now you're projecting. She doesn't fear change. Who needs his baggage?]

I agree that it is a great movie and pushes the limits of American Films. However, Alyssa is not a heartless bitch.

[So sayeth the outsider looking in. Sounds like you get this site like you understand the movie.]

She leaves because she's afraid of hurting him more at a later date, or so she says. If she were a real heartless bitch perhaps she would be willing to embrace him on his journey

[I am not staying on what I know to be the Titanic. Fuck going down with the ship.]

and let all parties feel what they want, and act as such. So now you might bring up her feeling that he somehow "whored her out."

[What movie are you talking about? Were you smoking crack when you saw it?]

That is legitimate. I remind you that the whole problem started when she let him believe those things about her that he wanted.

[Which were the truth, brainiac. It was all previous history and largely irrelevant to the current relationship. I don't recall him directly asking her in the first place.]

She never corrected his assumptions until they were too big. That deception is the root of the problem. Am I to believe that you hold a deceptive character up as a symbol of HBI? Perhaps I don't want to be a member.

[Don't worry. We don't want ya.]

Any person, group or organization has inconsistencies. HBI from my impressions seems to point out character flaws in an attempt to create a haven of higher standards, a group identity for like-minded people. When you focus too much on the standard, someone like myself will find your typographical and usage errors, and analyze some statement into oblivion. Nevertheless I agree with the spirit of HBI immensely.

[What you need is a way to spend your free time so you won't waste it with useless analysis.]

One Liner:
I am inconsistent therefore I exist.

[Heartless Bitches prefer life to existence.]

[How Not to Get Accepted: part 4 --trying too hard]

Email : startrekfan@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Why is it any of your damn business WHY I'm a heartless bitch? Very well. I work full time. I'm pre-menopausal. I have three young kids. Need I say more?

[Yup. This sucks. I don't care about your menstrual status, and I care even less that you have kids. This makes you a woman and a mother. I need to know what makes you a Heartless Bitch. Unfortunately, your AOL profile is much better.]

Member Name: Cheryl
Location: [deleted]
Sex: Female
Marital Status: Married, but not dead!
Hobbies: Herbs,Leather,Reading,Coins ,Confusing People,Irish,Music, Amateur Brain Surgery,Climaxing, having sex until I catch on fire.

[Having sex until you catch on fire? Great one-liner. Pity you didn't include it.]

One Liner:
Bugger off, brain drain.

[See, now wouldn't that sex and fire thing worked better?]

Email : whiner@Winstanley.ac.uk

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
...hold on a minite! Was gonna apply till I realised that your just a fuckin bad as everyone else,

[Shame on us for demanding that you meet the barest minimum of communication. Shame on us for not allowing the stupid, the sloppy, and the apathetic into our site.]

the 'Heartless Hints to the Hopeless' talks about inteligence, I'm a god damn genius!

[I'm a goddamned millionaire. Isn't it wonderful how we can create our own realities.]

I've got an IQ of 150

[According to which on-line test?]

but it doesn't mean I can pissin spell. Ever heard of Dyslexia?!

[Ever heard of a Spellchecker, Whine Queen?]

Better check then it out hadnt U?

[This is treatable, and people that actually suffer through these disabilities tend to whine a great deal less than people that are simply too lazy to learn. Stop with the excuses and just learn to spell already. Or just use a spellchecker. Or even stick to words you know.]

One Liner:
'Yeah I'd go to bed with you, if your dick want so far up your own arse that all that comes out your mouth is shit.'

[He's not offering conversation. You don't need his mouth. Or are you going to blame that on your Dyslexia too?]





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