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May 17, 1999
Weak of the Week
The best of the worst Membership Applications

by JadeSyren

For the Week of November 14, 1999

Email : IwannabeCallista@lame-o.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I answered "yes" to all of your questions!

[Choked on the essay portion, did ya?]

One Liner: I'm sure you have a point, I just don't want to hear it!

[No, that would be too ironic.]

Email : whathafuck@somewhereintheuk.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
My guitar is smashed in 5 places

[Keep the receipt?]

One Liner: Ill fuck u then chuck you

[Is that what happened to your guitar?]

Email : colorme@green.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i like to be! its very stimulating!

[That's probably very important for your therapy. It beats the fuck out of Art Thursday and Advanced Finger-painting.]

One Liner: GOD I HATE PEOPLE PRETTIER THAN ME!(AND THERE ARE A LOT OF EM)BUT I REALLY DON'T CARE!

[You've dialed the wrong number, sister. We're not here for your self-esteem. It's required that you have some already.]

Email : MzSpellchecker@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm a heartless bitch because I just don't give a fuck....

[And it shows....]

.and I'm fuckin tired of these stupid guys just trying to be "tight" and talkin like women aren't the same as men and that we overdo evertything. All guys think that women are manipulative and venidctive...well guess what??? I am!!

[Well, I guess you proved their point, brainiac.]

One Liner: your stupididty insults my intellegents

[Ha ha HAAA ha ha.]

Email : weak@loser.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I am a heartless bitch because i loose interest in guys when they show an interest in me.

[Why is that Bitchy? It's more of a cry for help. Sorry, we're not a therapy session. What is loose interest? Is it like loose change?]

I am unfeeling when it comes to emotions, can't stand people who are unable to say what they mean in one sentence,

[We are now in your second sentence, with two more to follow.]

do not tolerate stupidity or idiots.

[How about hypocrites? Is THAT on your menu?]

The list could go on and on, but i know that i am a heartless bitch, cause i have been told by friends and professions alike!

[Way to go, Lemming! I hope you keep these people close on hand to supply you with all your opinions.]

One Liner: oh, i am sorry, you must have mistaken me for someone who gives a shit

[Note to Self: Remember to post Top Ten One Liners.]

Email : weak@loser.com (take two)

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
because i just am, personality tests have proven that i am uncaring, non sympathic, have no compassion, no comprehension of peoples' suffering, no desire to find out either, and that i look after number one only, although i can be a good listerner if there happens to be something in it for me

[This second application of yours just confirms my earlier conclusion. You should seek professional help. Perhaps one of those 'professions' that speak to you could help.]

Email : monkeysee@monkeydo.com

One Liner: Have you run out of sympathy for your Female friends who continually whine about how awful MEN ARE, but then they keep dating the same kind of ASSHOLES, over and OVER, AND OVER AGAIN!?

[You cut and pasted this, and this idea didn't scream Weak of the Week to you?]

Email : singalong@doodah.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
bitch me not

because i gave it away (last christmas),but it was not returned the very next day.still waiting for it ,so i can give it to someone spl this year.

[DJ Jade is in the house, dusting off an oldie-but-goodie. *blows dust off record* Here we go.]

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. But the very next day...you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears. I'll give it to someone special.

Does that sound familiar to you, chummo?]

In the meantime i'm using a 200 watt electric pump to circulate blood in my body.

[Xmas tip: Don't bother.]

Email : yawn@yawn.com

[We echo that sentiment.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
fuck off now because filling this in just pisses me off

[And you should be. Did you see the lack of content?]

One Liner: don't give a shit cos' no-one gives a shit about me....so fuck off now

[Wah wah wah.]

Name: Rose

Email : rose@heartlessbitches.com

UserID : dick

URL : yahoo

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
tyetetyehghfghfgfghfghfg.ffghfhfghderyteyfgrhfhfhhfg

One Liner: rertetertertertertefd

[Drunk? Tired? Stupid? Andrea? All of the above? You decide.]

Email : dunce@aol.com

UserID : stupid

URL : aol

[It figures. Don't believe the hype. AOL is NOT the Internet.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i am a hearless bitch because life shoud be based on principles if you cant do it right then get the hell out of dodge i dont share my corner

[Because there's only one stool in it, and a matching cap.]

One Liner: you gotta have principles------or get off my corner

[She is very territorial about that corner of hers.]

Email : yetanother@aol.com

UserID : charlie

[Uh-oh. Another boyfriend ID.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
cos i am simple as that! i am in control!

[Certainly not of your English skills.]

One Liner: i m a french bitch

[Well, say no more. This makes ALL the difference.]

Email : shesonasty@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
"i'm a heartless bitch because i don't give a dam about other peoples lives and only care about my life and me. Theres no point in crying about the past and i never have sympathy 4 anyone who cries! Even if it is a death surely they would want u 2 b happy not ball your eyes out 4 the rest of your boring little life.go and get it if u want it!!! if u want it u can get it who gives a stuff about anyone else!!!

[Ah, where do I begin? Creative spelling, excessive punctuation, selfishness, and a total lack of depth and comprehension skills...I'd give this weak application about a 2.]

One Liner: i treat people like shit,dump 'em and leave 'em 4 someone else 2 flush ,em!!!

[So you're the nasty little beast that wrecks the bathroom.]

Email : needaclue?@aol.com

UserID : Bitch

[*snork*]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Guys are the scum of the earth, we women should rule over these dogs.

[Blah, blah, blah..]

Everyman is heartless and is just looking for ass,

[We find that we need not look for ass, they apply here regularly.]

we should enslave the opposite sex to further the intelligence of our children.

[Oh sure. Slavery is known to increase IQ, just like watching TV.]

Who created the KKK? MEN.

[This has got to be one of the single most idiotic statements I've heard in a month of Sundays. Excepting, of course, some of the lame-brained things I hear at work. Think about this. It's not empowering to say that men create weak, stupid or lame things. Women also have this power. Equality is when you have the freedom to be evil or stupid. You shouldn't HAVE to be a living example of everywoman, and when you're really an equal, you don't have to do that.]

Email: idiot@work.com

UserID : Bitch4life

[Suuure you are.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I am a bitch?? Geez.. why am I a bitch?? Good god.. do you have several hours to hear my answer?

[No.]

After all, I do think that this is a stupid question, because if you passed the heartless bitch statement,

[No, no, no. This is your trial by fire. Let's see how you fare.]

you should realize that we are all alike and I shouldn't need to answer this question, should i??

[We're not all alike. You're not doing very well so far. Come ON, we've all but applied for you. All the accepted applications are published as well as the some of the worst we've seen. There's even a HOW TO...on site.]

should i? But if you don't have any clue,

[I wouldn't be so fast to whip out the Clueless label there, QuickDraw McGraw.]

I'm a heartless bitch because this world looks down upon women as being not equals to men and I'm a fighter and I will fight to the very end to get what I want and to protect myself from mens cruelties. =)

[All that waffling and this was the best answer you could think of?]

One Liner: I'm the driver of this bus, and if you don't like it... GET OFF!!

[Jade drives the ClueBus, Missy.]

Name: Silly (I HATE PATHETIC CRUSHES)

[There is no other way to describe an infatuation with the likes of you...]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm a heartless bitch because crushes are soooo annoying, today I punched this guy in the mouth coz every time I walk past he stared at me!!! GRRRRR

[When will people stop letting their children run amok on the Internet? When?]

One Liner: You're a succer and you belong where the plunger can get you.... down the toilet!!!

[What parallel and unfunny universe do you come from? Hey wait. Is your dad a plumber? Shesonasty@aol.com just stepped into the ladies' room and...]

Email : psycho@weird.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Men take up to much air. We must conserve for we are the newmen of the world.

[Where? *looking around*]

I hate women her flutter thier eyelashes and giggle to get response. I hate the men who respond. I hate men that turn into 12 year ld idiots, when amongst the other 12 year old idiots.

[Most people have no love for pedophiles.]

I frequently want to choke my beloved. But simpply I am a heartles bitch, just because that's who I am..

[This one creeps up on you. It's not bad enough that the clueless masses think that we: a) Hate men. b) Hate ALL men. c) Hate ONLY men. Now this psycho thinks that to be a Heartless Bitch means you must murder the man (I'm only assuming that she's hetero here) that you call "Beloved". If you want to choke him, leave him. Get your gladrags and go. Hurry up.]

One Liner: i hate the women who flutter thier eyelashes and giggle to get response, and I hate the men who respond

[You know...I have just the guy for you. He KISS you, and he likes to have sex. He's worldly, and he have job, car and live alone, too. Very popular web page, from what I hear.]

Email : shameful@webtv.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i treat my husband like a dog ..he sleeps on couch so i can be in chat.

[We applaud the fact that you wish to practice your new-found English skills in a chat pit. You'll be creatively pressing your alt+number pad keys to create all sorts of new, imaginative and never-before-seen variations of monosyllabic words. Brava!]

One Liner: your a loser and wil never get to zero if your little dick counted on it....

[No, no, no. It's drop that Zero and get with a Hero. Back to Daytime TV for you.]

Email :herrealname@sympathetico.ca

UserID : Elaine [Not her real name.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Hello, my name is Elaine Bitch, I granduated Bitch 101 with honours now i would like to graduate Heartless Bitch 102,

[I don't know who was sleeping at the admissions desk when you entered Bitch 101, but you can bet you're not setting foot in this classroom. Go tell whats-her-face up there to get you a matching stool and cap and go sit in the corner.]

I believe in "Get what you give", i am not a door mat so please do not wipe your feet on my back

[So long as we tread softly, all is well? You hear that world, no wiping allowed. Walk your dirty feet on her back, by all means.]

One Liner: Get what you give

[I'll just guess that you expected this response.]

Name: Hecate

Email : Ismellapagan@y2kready.com

UserID : hecate

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
my husband has been seeing a therapist for >6 months

[Care to join him?]

and they have developed a love relationship even though they say they are only friend.

[Sending him to a prostitute would have been cheaper.]

she has been crying on his shoulder because she supposedly has breast cancer

[How many billable hours has she racked up?] and he has decided that time with her is more important then time with me. so i say it is pay back time and i will prevail!!!

[Why not decide that your time is the most valuable of all and MOVE on up. Like George and Weezie.]

One Liner: Paybacks are a bitch! It will come back to you thre-fold

[So...what are you being paid back for?]

Email : suspiciouslyspam-like@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch: i can be.

[Prove it.]

i was in an axident 2 years ago, i no longer can drive, work spell, remember much, but damnit i am not a retard,

[Allow me to be one of the first to treat you like an equal. Look into public transportation, get a spell checker, and take notes. Obviously you can write.]

and it pisses me off, EXTREEMLY when i am spoke down to, firstly as being a woman,

[Get over it. I talk down to numerous stupid women on what seems like a daily basis. Want it to stop? Quit acting like a dumb-bell.]

secondly for being semi disabled,

[Oh wah-wah-wah. You were crippled long before the "ax"ident.]

and thirdly for being a mother,

[Breeding is supposed to grant you instant respect? Try using your organs for what they are for, instead of assigning false values to them.]

christ, i am woman i pushed out a baby, i can damn well do ANYTHING,

[Except...well, aside from what you listed already...stand on your own two feet and do for yourself.]

One Liner: my bitch mode is like a fart, to some it may reek, but to me, it is BEAUTIFUL!!!

[You think your farts are beautiful?]

Email : someblockhead@hotbot.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I do what I want when I went

[Where'd you go?]

and no one can stop me.

[Oh, I wouldn't lay odds on that. You wanted to be accepted and your presence here means I stopped you.]

Can't is not a word in my vocabularly.

[So how'd you use it then?]

So don't try and tell me I can't dfo stuff. It makes me so mad I could scream.

[Let the screaming commence. It's probably smarter than what you've typed thus far.]

One Liner: Tact is just not saying true stuff. I'll pass.

[Gas? Join the fart-sniffer above you. Your real problem with tact is that it requires a larger vocabulary than what you have.]

Email : how'dyouguess@webtv.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
My ex-husband drove me to be this way.....ripped out my heart!

[You tell your ex that e-bay no longer accepts organ auctions.]

One Liner: Blow up this doll and I explode!

[Your husband left you for his blow-up doll?]

Email : assgal@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch: I don't give a shit what people say or do to me... shit.. if have a problem with me.. shit.. get your ass to come talk to me ..[Talking asses?] i hate weak ass people... if you don't like me.. too bad kiss my ass... i'm bitch.. and if anyone has a problem.. they can come talk to me personally [Hopefully with their ass]... and if you start something I will finish it

[You couldn't even finish your own sentence.]

One Liner: I'm not a trick, I'm not a witch, but if you call me both, i will turn into a bitch...

Listen, TrickWitch, let's put your theory to the test, because I'm calling you both. Hmm. Nope. You're still not a bitch.]

Name: John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt

[Nope, not my name, but pretty darn close to hers. Really.]

Email : eldorko@mindspring.com

UserID : eldorko

[I'll bet her PIN is written on the back of her ATM card too.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I figure if God put me here it was for a reason, not to be beatin' down by physical or mental abuse.

[I've got bad news from On High. Turns out that taking physical and mental abuse was precisely the plan the Big Man had in store for you. Sorry.]

I've been there, I've earned the name.

[Is THAT how you got that ridiculously long name? You collect names like a steamer trunk collects bumperstickers]

One Liner: By the grace of God, I am a Bitch.

[Now I've got worse news...]

Email : whattadumbhead@someguy.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch: I'm a heartless bitch because I can't stand airheaded, stuck-up people! The way airheads just act so stupid!

[Hence the name.]

People like them are lucky to survive their teens. These airheaded whores around here steal up all our guys and expect to be our best friends just to get our vote for homecoming queen or something!

[Now I see what the hostility stems from. Jealous much?]

They try and get close to us to get secrets to stretch and spread all over school.

[So make up some humdingers and see how far their gullibility stretches.]

And their constant pointless bickering drives me nuts!

[Know what drives me nuts? Constant pointless bickering in applications.]

I have done several things to make their lives a living hell. *evil laugh* I like to start off small with stuff like cutting them off leaving school or stomping all over their piles of purses and bookbags that they always leave in my way. The bigger things I do are things like write death threats to them, keyed their cars, slashed their car tires and write on their cars with permanent markers.

[Have you tried finding a purpose to your own life, or does it pretty much revolve around these girls. You know, the ones you hate?]

I even buy cow and pig odd body parts from the grocery store and send them to them with a note saying this is all that remains of your precious little dog or cat.

[No, you don't. You just daydream about it. A lot.]

In all the years I have done this I have never once been caught and have terrorized airheads and stuck-ups for years.

[Anything but develop the wasteland that is your existence, eh?]

And for my bitchiness I would love to join Heartless Bitches International. I am one of the biggest bitches in the state of Alabama! *laugh*

[On behalf of all the Bitches in Alabama, I tell you to fuck right off.]

One Liner:

I'm a Bitch Goddess. So bow down to me baby!

[*Yawn*.]

Name: bexy

[Because sexy was taken.]

Email : cyberbabesba@dolt.com

UserID : bitch

URL : no

[Answering her own question, so to speak.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i love ruining other peoples love lives hahahahaha

[By boring them? No...wait...submitting lame applications? I give up, and you should have too.]

One Liner: well darling next time he asks you to do it with him actually remember to take his clothes off you desprate tart

[Why? All the goodies fit out that convenient zipper.]

Email : hotwings@hooters.net

UserID : 123456

[So she won't forget.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i am crude, swear and say no to stranger men,

[Stranger than? You've got to give me something to work with here. How am I supposed to know what's stranger to the likes of you?]

Email : Luved2lunch@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
respect is something I require, not think of as a gift. Dignity and strength of character are things I expect, not look at as something extraordinary.

[Even of yourself? Read on...]

One Liner: If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

[It's about as intelligent as recycling cliche. No? How about this little tidbit?]

Member Name:[Luved2lunch]
Location: [(Southern)]
Birthdate: between legal and senior
Sex: Female
Marital Status: oh please take it away!!
Hobbies: You never know! I'm female, thus my mind changes often. Right now I play [various online games].
Computers: none I am telepathetic and I am sending you msg to go to the addy below and make some money.
Occupation: If you wanna make a dollar or two go to:[spam addy and referal number]
Personal Quote: If at first you dont succeed, find a man to do it for you

[The mirror hath two faces.]

Name: Penny Mirror'd

Email : mynnep@ridiculed.com

UserID : yddik

[She really loves the backward view.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I am a heartless BITCH because I'm told so daily.

[Color me sold. We always take the word of the unknown, unseen, entirely unrelated unwashed hordes.]

Why? Well, I don't beat around the bush.

[You don't say?]

If you ask me "does my hair look ok?" I'm not going to humor you with "oh you look wonderful!" no I'll just be honest "hahaha looks great if you're going to a crisco party!"

[You should hang out with people with better hygiene.]

I'm a heartless bitch because as a VP chatter I am also a host. I am not a "oh she's so sweet!" host but I am a fair host who will NOT play favorites, so DON'T ASK!. I am so damn tired of being called a "power tripper" just because I have toolz to stop those immature room scrollers.

[Why do you expect a carrot (Heartless Bitch title) because you do what's expected of you? In this case, you don't suck as a VP host, and you want some sort of award for not sucking. Sorry, Ynnep, it doesn't work that way.]

I am a heartless BITCH because I do not not cyber and think "ohhhh yeahhh babyyy" has got to be the funniest thing a person can type during an intimate moment on line.

[You don't cyber, yet you talk about 'intimate moments' on-line. Peculiar.]

One Liner: A man hater is a woman who's stayed to be beat up by her "man" and whines about it to her lover.

[Say this one again slowly and in English, please.]

Email : realdummy@gateway.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
listen i don't know how to do html all i now is i want to be a member and i expect you to make me one..........and soon. i've worked hard at this attitude and expect to be recoginized for it.

[Well, well, well. Your wish is my command. Just submit something Bitchworthy, and POOF, you're in.]

One Liner: you have to earn the right to call me bitch

[I wouldn't worry about anyone calling you bitch.]

Name: The Ice queen

UserID : be-elsibub

URL :[Insert VERY lame site here.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm a heartless bitch because...

I hate redundancy. It already says REASONS for being a Heartless Bitch, and they still say "I'm a Heartless Bitch because..."]

Whenever anyone tells me an intimate secret, I tell the first person I see and I couldn't give a fuck how it makes them feel. I could go on forever with that kind of shit and if I get in, I will.

[No, you won't.]

I actually get a kick out of crushing the poor defenceless souls of any men that fall for me, but hey, you gotta love 'em. I don't try and pretend I can live without men because, hey, I'm only human and I'd have to be a lesbian, a man or a compulsive liar (I'm not saying that I'm not) to even suggest that I didn't need the poor bastards. I'm still not on of those dippy, "dependable" types, don't get me wrong, we all need a little action from time to time but I can't stand being involved with the same guy for more than a few weeks.

[Sometimes you just have to step back, the clueless will expose themselves...and it only gets worse from here.]

Everyone who knows me calls me the Ice queen 'cos I'm like the most selfish fuctup whore ever and you know what, I love it! If you're expecting me to about how I was abused as a kid or some shit like that then you are so wrong, I'm just a bitch because I'm a screwed up fuck and that's how it is. Any questions?

[What are you on? How'd you typo the "K" as a "T"? Any head trauma in your history? Mental illness in your family? Does the asylum know where you are?]

Read the Previous edition of the Weak of the Week

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