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Weak of the Week
The best of the worst Membership Applications

For the Week of January 22nd, 2001
edited by JadeSyren



Email : rachael, mo' fo'@aol.com

[Please note. I change the info in italics to protect the stupid. In this case, this was the NAME she supplied in the NAME: field.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
im a hearless bitch because i dont know what html form is and i dont give a fuck.

[Deaf and dumb, eh?]

because im tired of people looking suprised when some pig pinches my ass and i sock him in the nose

[The only surprise is that you hit what you were aiming at.]

(and YES i HAVE done it more than once). because im a Christian and i dont fucking care if you think it fits my per sonality or not.

[Oh my. She left herself wide open. This sentence alone is a grab-bag of insult fodder.]

because i like the word CUNT and i use it whenever i feel like it.

[Pssh. Any kid in the schoolyard can be vulgar.]

because im sooooo tired of my friends pinching the skin on their stomachs and telling me theyre fat and im sooo tired of them getting upset when i tell them theyre full of shit.

[And I'm, like, soooo tired of you juveniles thinking I give a shit about what your friends are doing this week.]

because i wear a barbie necklace and i weigh 154 lbs and im 5'2" with pink hair.

[Bad taste doesn't make you a Bitch, either.]

finally, because jennifuckinfer love hewitt makes me wanna blow chunks.

[Who? Just kidding. I don't care about Hollywood's latest scream queen, either.]

One Liner:
just looking at you makes my cunt as dry as my lips.

[They make products to moisten both sets.]

[If at first you don't succeed, keep trying until you fail miserably.]

Email : b-i-n-g-o@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
guys are the devil. They only think with one head...to bad it isn't the on e with a brain. First of all, they don't respect beauty and intellegents...

[It's hard to respect something you don't even possess. Please, for the love of all that is holy, don't TYPO intelligence.]

they only want girls who will give them what they want..and beleive me we all know the one thing they all want..SEX.

[What they really want is for you to leave afterward.]

This is why i've decided to be undieingly sinical

[Do tell.]

towards their whole species

[News flash, Ms. Bill Nye, we're part OF that species. What you mean is gender.]

and I'm going to get my tubes tied and adopt.

[Can I get that in writing?]

I can't risk bringing a child that could turn out the spon of a devil.

[Wouldn't that adopted child have been produced in the old-fashioned way?]

One Liner:
One day my prince charming will come, he just took a wrong turn

[...at Albuquerque!]

and is to stuborn to ask for directions.

[Maybe he just got out while the gettin' was good.]

[---One more time---]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
guys only think with one head...to bad that one doesn't have a brain.

[Where are you storing yours?]

One Liner:
~*~One day your prince will come, mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is to stubborn to ask for directions~*~

[The flourish doesn't help this any.]

[---Less IS More---]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
[Alas, she learned this lesson too late.]

One Liner:
~*~One day your prince will come, mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is to stubborn to ask for directions~*~

[And who says that practice doesn't make perfect? This just needs a lot more practice. The other maxim that comes to mind is the one about how it's better to be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.]

Email : stupid@excite.com

UserID : Stupid

[See! I didn't have to think up a pseudonym.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

[Echo....]

One Liner:
I have no common sense

[No argument.]

Email : kook-pootenaychic@home.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I've been shit on toooo much by people I now realize are insuperior

[Your heart's in the right place. Try inferior, Poopy-gal.]

to me...You know the type!!

[Afraid that I don't.]

Time to take life by the balls and TWIST!!! BARBIE...BITE ME...

[Barbie has neither balls nor asshole. What are you talking about?]

One Liner:
Listen BITCH, I may be pudgy...but you're ugly; and I can always diet!

[Yawn.]

Name: BigFatHairyCock

Email : HighDesireI-doubt-this-is-real@excite.com

UserID : Dick

URL : Fuck Off

[Riiight.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Fuck HTML.

[It's fucked alright.]

I don't give a shit about your fucking job, bitch.

[I bet you do now.]

Just post my shit.

[Shit posted. In all its glory.]

Quit fucking stalling, do it now bitch.

[I'm not stalling. I'm snickering.]

Then, fix me something to eat too, bitch.

[How's about a nice, big shitburger, with crow on the side. You'll have humble pie for dessert. Dinner la Jade.]

One Liner:
Fuck you, bitch.....I don't care how many fucking times you heard it bitch. FUCK YOU BITCH

[Originality isn't your strong suit.]

Email : jasonhubby's-account@seidata.com

[If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: Get your OWN e-mail address. You'll never make it in if you share with your hubster.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm a heartless bitch because no matter how bad my husband wants sex, he's not getting it until I want it.

[How late does he come home on pay day? If he's stopped asking, it's because he's found take-out.]

One Liner:
I wish I could see through your eyes, so I could watch myself do it.

[First you're too cheap to have your own e-mail, now you're telling me that you can't afford mirrors?]

Email : pooh-pooh@whoever.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
why i'm a heartless bitch, cause i wasn't put on this damn earth to be liked, and if i was i sure don't remember it.

[Would remembering make a difference? You are here to be liked. It's in your contract.]

One Liner:
don't like cause i'm cool, like me cause i'm the #1 BITCH!!!

[But I don't like you at all. Told you that you were here to be liked.]

Email : horrid@bpc.ac.uk

UserID : Horrid

[Another one. It's like getting a business reply envelope with your bill.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Why don't you and all your mates go fuck yourself up the arse?!!!!

[What do we have you for?]

One Liner:
Nothing

[As long as THAT'S settled.]

Email : sadly-confused@bellsouth.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I can't even figure out why I keep visiting your website.

[Moths to a flame, baby.]

The idea of of being a member of HBI is intriging, of course, but the material presented here is NOT very entertaining.

[I'm not here to amuse you. Okay, maybe this IS amusing, but it's more like sharing a good thing. The site is strictly B.Y.O.Brain.]

Maybe you didn't intend for it to be, but I'm thinking you did.

[You thinking is like the 8th sign of the apocalypse.]

I did enjoy some of the letters that were sent in to you.

[And it's all about YOU, right, Princess?]

Sappy site-of-the-week could have been a decent idea,

[Correction: IS a decent idea, and don't you let me catch you stealing it. Remember, I know where you live.]

I suppose, but once I visited one or two sites,

[Where you didn't get it either.]

I could see that you are true to your word. They were extrememly sappy, and not in the least funny.

[A lot like the place YOU call home.]

I just like to read funny heartless stories,

[And you want me to live to serve you? I'll just serve you up.]

not heartless bitchy whining, which is what this seems to be.

[No, this is just you whining.]

You just need some good writers to join your team.

[I need the stupid to stop trying to help.]

I can write funny stories to help you out,

[Are you trying to help Ike? (This is MUCH funnier when I do my Ike Turner impression.)]

but I'm too laid back to bother being a bitch.

[So why is your lazy ass bugging me? Laid back and you write a novel for an application.]

Heartlessness is just something that comes naturally to me.

[Apathy is not Heartlessness. Apathy is just slackerdom.]

I can't control it, and though I have tried to think of something heartless to say to gain your approval, quite frankly I'm coming up with a blank.

[Hint: There is nothing you could say.]

Maybe this will help...

[AAAACK! Not a story!]

my 16 year old neighbor got arrested today for dating a 29 year old man.

[You've got that backwards.]

Well, I should mention the police were called because she was making a fool of herself by screaming and crying in the parking lot, drawing attention to herself. After her mother and her boyfriend had both been arrested, she came out in handcuffs. Of course, my way of showing her that I understand her dilemma and I'm there for her was to say, "What the fuck were you thinking? Damn girl, you BETTER learn to control your emotions."

[And what a vessel of wit you are. Did you say that you could write funny shit? Scratch the funny part.]

Of course I felt badly for her.

[That's only because your emotions are impaired. (Grammarians will LOVE this one.)]

But this whole spectacle she was putting on outside the apartments was ridiculous. She wouldn't let her tiny Mexican boyfriend leave. She just kept screaming at him and hitting him and so on until her mother finally came down and made her get out of the car. Then mother and daughter caused a HUGE spectacle screaming at each other. All right, forget the story...

[You know what you should have done? DELETED the damned story. That way, we'd have NO IDEA how off topic and moronic you really are.]

this is what you need

[*Guffaw* Like I need a spoiled princess telling me what I need.]

...You need more humorous stories

[Like the one above? Oh, that just had them rolling in the aisles.]

like how to untrain spoiled people from playing the "gimme" game.

[You probably don't see the irony here.]

"Do I ask you to get Pepsi for me? Do I ask you to hand me my cigarettes? NO! I am perfectly able to get it myself, and I WILL NOT ask another person to do things for me unless there is some REAL REASON I cannot do it myself.

[Which means that you DO ask people to fetch for you. Don't you consider being disabled a REAL REASON?]

You've been smoking since you were five years old (because your parents were none too bright) and you can't remember to take your cigarettes and lighter across the room when you go from the couch to the computer. Do you think you will figure this out before you DIE? Take your cigarettes with you everywhere you go,

[First of all, this isn't funny. Secondly, your "steppin' and fetchin" is lower on the Heartless Bitch priority list than foliage.]

because you are addicted to nicotine just like me." Hey, you know I'm a pretty decent trainer. I used to make at least 4 trips to the bedroom when my husband lay down for his nap. (Okay, you're thinking "nap?" I will defend him by telling you he is somewhat disabled, but that is no excuse for the "gimme" game.) Okay,

[You're complaining about getting your disabled husband his cigarettes?]

the first trip is for when he hollers, "Bring me my cigarettes...(I've got 'em and I'm on my way back)...and my lighter."

[You smoke. You'd think you'd know by now that the two go together. How many times does he have to tell you? Some trainer.]

Oh fucking-shit. Then it's, "Close the bathroom door." Then, "Bring me the cordless phone."

[AAAAIGH! Too much information. Waaaay too much information. Next you'll be telling me the color and texture. Neither of which is funny.]

Then finally, "Bring me my pills...(getting the pills)...and some water."

[Do you expect him to take pills without water? What kind of simpleton are you? How many times do you have to be told the same thing? Your husband has my sympathies.]

DAMMIT! Okay, after I have heartlessly bitched about this little routine

[No, no. This is most definitely a whine.]

repeatedly, he now remembers to take his cigarettes AND LIGHTER and the phone and to turn out the lights. He does still forget to close the door occasionally, but the improvment is so vast, it's difficult to muster up a bitch fit for it.

[Thank you for sharing the hell in which you live. As if our own personal hells weren't bad enough.]

For a long time, we played the "suck my dick" game.

[It's like the fart game, only stickier.]

This is, of course, what he considered to be foreplay.

[Oral sex can be foreplay. Damn. So far, the funniest thing you've said is how YOU can improve this site. Oh, what a side-splitter that one is.]

We don't play this anymore. He is unable and/or unwilling to reciprocate so we basically have sex once a month now and he makes a feeble attempt to turn me on before mounting me. Neither one of us are sexually high-strung so we just do without it.

[AIIGH! This shit should come with a warning. I don't want to know about your miserable sex life. On the other hand, you've cheered up a lot of 30-year-old virgins. Congrats.]

In closing,

[Please, Lord, rest it. Let it END.]

I tell you that I don't really consider myself to be a "heartless bitch."

[Perfect agreement.]

I don't call women "bitches" because it is something that idiots do.

[Sour grapes.]

But I know you have your reasons, so I will not judge you.

[While some would rise to the occasion and take this opportunity to TELL you how you're wrong, that would be a waste of time. You've shown that you need repeated lessons, and I ain't your husband. I'd advise that he teach you with the business end of a bat in the future.]

If you would like to see some of my writings, please visit my website.

[I've seen enough. No sex, painful attempts at unsuccessful sex, phone in the toilet and your lazy ass griping. No thanks.]

I was going to recommend certain parts of it, but I cannot bring myself to do so.

[Because deep inside, you know it's rank.]

It all kicks ass in my opinion.

[It's all kicked ass. Or just ass. Your work is crap.]

The parts that will probably NOT interest you

[Why specify?]

is "Spells" and the fairy page and the Stevie Nicks page.

[All across the world, people are being startled out of sleep by the sounds of snorting laughter and spewing coffee.]

Check out the ramblings on the index page

[There's enough rambling HERE.]

and my Eminem Tribute

[Again with the snorting. And they just wiped their monitors.]

and Funny Stuff I've Run Across

[And over, and on and on.]

(there is only one link from that page so far.) Also, check out my husband's poetry so you can understand just what I'm up against here.

[Oh. Yes. Poor, poor, you.]

I had a BUNCH of funny-ass, heartless stuff on Heather's Excellent Advice Page, but I've only left one Q and A up because I couldn't bear to let my family see what kind of crazy shit I had written.

[Fear of committal?]

Please take my poll before you leave...it's pretty crazy.!

[No thanks, we're stocked up on crazy now.]

This is all for now. I have some bitching to do as there is a man standing over my shoulder reading as I type now. Goodbye.

[Hey! Mister! Break her fingers so she won't type again.]

One Liner:
"Make your own fucking coffee...and don't forget to get your cigarettes before you sit back down."

[Years from now, she'll meet her end in a horrific fashion. She'll be backed over while he tells the police that he didn't know he had it in reverse. She'll be electrocuted in the tub and he'll claim that he didn't know that the radio in the window was plugged in. He'll burn her alive in her bed, and swear that she went to bed with a lit cigarette still in her hand. It will be SOME kind of "truth is stranger than fiction" story, and she'll never understand WHY.]

Email : one_big_dummy@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
nobody liked me. at all. and im "the rape girl"

[Unlike Pooh-pooh, you didn't have a contract requiring you to be liked.]

One Liner:
diana.... ughh. you hate me. haha. if you were a guy... i would kick your mother fucking ass then make you rape me.

[Wouldn't that spoil the mood? I know an ass-kickin' really puts a damper on libido.]







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