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Weak of the Week
The best of the worst Membership Applications

by JadeSyren

The Best of the Weak of the Week for the year 2000

( A Retrospective )


Name: Hooch

Email : sensingatheme@aol.com

UserID : Vodka

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I don't give a fuck about anyone else but me, and i make this known to everyone i meet.

[Unless they're buying.]

One Liner:
You call that dirty talk? You couldn't talk dirty if a dog shit in your mouth!

[Hey! That's one of my favorites. It's a runner up to "You couldn't talk sense if you ate a piggy bank" and "You couldn't get hard if you drank cement."]

[I would have posted the AOL profile, but the only point of interest was that her hobby was (guess!) Drinking, drinking and drinking. At least she'll succeed at something.]



Email : bodyman@dummy.net

UserID : henusbitch

[HENUS? Makes me wonder how she spells penis. Probably Peinous.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i got a dick(ego) bigger then most men.

[You appear to deserve it as much as the usual egomanic.]

i hate priss's,stuck on themselves chicks,prepie chicks, don't get me wrong, i like being a women, but women are caddy,backstabbing cunts. My best friends have always been a guy.

[Oh really?]

i have 1 female friend(best),

[There goes your credibility.]

because she is my clone.

[Therefore the only person that can stand you.]

and also my teenager daughter is becoming a future HeartlessBitch, i am so proud,she is just like her mom. I am very well liked in my town,and respected.

[You have a teenage daughter? Please tell me that English is your second language.]

One Liner:
"whatever,fuckyou"

[That's supposed to be three words.]

Name: Nique

Email : Nique@nothingbettertodo.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
This is like a highschool club! Answear these statements correctly with correct grammer,

[Which you couldn't do.]

and maby we will let you in. Don't feel much like playing today girls.

[So why are you here? To deliver a verbal spanking? Bring a smarter paddle, next time.]

One Liner:
I am a bitch but beiing cruel to others? come on!

[You'd rather ride your high-horse out of town.]

Email : janea@noidea.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm a heartless bitch because my best friend fucked me and asked me not to fall in love with him

[That makes you obedient.]

One Liner:
go ahead, make me gay

[Yes, Virginia, there is no lesbian fairy.]

Email : Taint@handbag.com

UserID : Fluff

[FDA requirements dictate that we specify what each application contains.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
It's, like, the only thing I know how to be. I am in control of the world Men will bow before me before they get in my panties, cos like they're no better than like dogs. Icky. My friends are like all weak whores and like let their men walk all over them, and even do them up the arse. That's like totally gross and weak. A guy at least has to introduce me to his mom and buy me flowers before I'll stoop that low. I'm totally harsh, I am the Doctor of mean and you can't possibly refuse me. I am like,QUEEN BITCH.

[Queen Bitch rules of dating:
1. Date guy.
2. Meet Mom.
3. Get Flowers.
4. Anal Sex.]


One Liner:
Don't touch what u can't afford - I'm priceless!!!!!!

[Valueless and priceless are not synonyms.]

Email : nitwit@btinternet.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i just churn people up and spit them out. i have power and i am dam sure gonna use it!!!

[Because you 'dam sure' couldn't spell it.]

One Liner:
i'm a female there for i can bring anyone to there knee's; just watch and learn.

[I'll bet if Dictionaries came with actual dicks, you'd be all over it.]

Email : noshedidn't@nyu.edu

UserID : DramaQueen

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

I AM A HEARTLESS BITCH BECAUSE I SUCK DICKS UNTIL THE BALLS EXPLODE. YOU CAN TALK ALL YOU WANT ABOUT MENTAL GAMES BUT I HURT EM PHYSICALLY AND *WHERE* *IT* *COUNTS* *BIATCH* AND I LICK AND SUCKLE THEIR SHAFT BUT THEN AT THE END, BOOOOOOOOOM BITCH, TESTICULAR EXPLOSION.

[*Cringe and shudder* There is simply nothing more I can add to the horror of this application, aside from making it bold, blinking and bright red on a blue background.]

One Liner:
He broke my heart.... ....So I tore his out.

[After he sees your HTML skills, I'm sure he'd rip out his eyeballs for you as well.]

Email : nWogrrl@tellmeyourekidding.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

I let people choose to be my closest of friends or the trash that I adore ridiculing, whether it be in public or personal. I don't put up with any ass kissing crap as well. I figure if I want something then it was meant to be mine, if I wish I will disgard it after I am done with it. This includes people! My work place is an area of rumor mill. If things have already started then it doesn't hurt to stir the fire as well getting most to agree and initiate more torture.

[No, no, no. This is all wrong. If you're going to have the Wrestling Fan screen name, you've got to play the role. Start from the top.]

Email : nWogrrl@tellmeyourekidding.com

[Cue "angry grrl" theme music.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

[Oily girl grabs the microphone.]

[Grrr.] I let people choose to be my closest of friends or the trash that I adore ridiculing [like the candy-ass pansies they are.], whether it be in public or personal. [Whooo!]

I don't put up with any ass kissing crap as well. [I can open up a whole case of whoop-ass on you right now.] I figure if I want something then it was meant to be mine, [because I'm strong enough to TAKE it, and get your ass in the ring if you have the guts to challenge ME!] if I wish I will disgard it after I am done with it [like an empty beer can. Whooo!] This includes people [like you, you weak ass punk! So I'm calling you out, to meet me in a no-holds barred cage match, if you dare! Whoo.]

[Oily and now sweaty girl drops microphone on the mat.]

One Liner:
If I wanted your opinion? I would give it to you!

[First you'd have to have one of your own, and I can tell that you spend far too much time muck-raking at the copy machine to do a lot of thinking.]

[A Cry for Help Theater presents: Dementia - a story in two acts]

Name: ngjjg

Email : ggmfmgfmgf@hotbot.com

UserID : kjfj

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
jgfjgfj jgfjghjgjg jgjg jj h ghhghgh h h hghghgh gh h gh gh hghghghgh h h hhgfhgfhgfhgf hgfhhghghghg hghghggjj jgjgjjgjjj gj j j j gfkjh h;kj kj;l kjp; gfd gfd k;gh ;lkgh ; hkl;gh jk;hjkg;lhjlkghgkjh hjkg hjgkhjgkhjgk;hj;kg h hj gkhjgkhj h hghjg

One Liner:
g,nbvbm jngjgfjf fhgfhdhdhf hfh

[Intermission]

Name: fhk

Email : kjkj@nativestar.net

UserID : edddddd

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
ddddddddddddddddddddn ddddddddddddddddddddddddddd ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd dddddddddd dddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd dddddddddddddddddddddddddd dddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd ddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

One Liner:
ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

[Standing Ovation]

Email : cocopunany@youmustbekidding.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:


[Truly, this application is horrific.]

I feel I belong in this club and can help the club in some form or fashion

[Fashion? Pah! You have no sense of the word.]

because Iam a True Heartless Bitch and that's the way I live my life to the fullest

And if you feel your club is too good for me

[What the hell were you thinking? Flaming Punany? Voodoo Punany? You even had the nerve to animate this shit.]

One Liner:
If you see me as a bitch don't hate me just back the hell up whimp!!

[Make way for her gigantic gifs.]

Email : ironic@technodyke.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I don't do well with html...

[So the techno in technodyke is strictly musical?]

Bitch
B is mee bombarded with hate
I is the I in my name there is an I in Idiot
T is the T in TOO MUCH which is what i tend to scream on restless thursdays when the world must die
[Why not on Tuesday?]

C is the C in Caring which is what i spraypaint on my ex's front door
[That's a putdown, alright. I hate to be called caring. How cruel of you. Next time stencil "pretty nice", "nifty" or "alright" as well. Go for the jugular.]

H is hell which is where this world is going and I'm leading the way I'm not a bitch I'm The BITHC

[This is like falling down the stairs as you walk to meet your date.]

One Liner: This is the way the world ends Not with a bang but a whimper. (I stole this from T. S. Eliot)

[Which is why THIS part of the application doesn't suck.]

[Sometimes people just don't think. This isn't an application, but it's the weakest thing I've seen in a while.]

Hi, my name is [Doofus], and I sent an application for HBI about a month ago. I'm curious about why you didn't accept it.

[Because it sucked. Maybe it didn't suck rocks, or the big one, but it was still sucky.]

I checked on "Weak of the Week" to see if it was there, but it wasn't, so apparently in your opinion I am neither incredibly stupid nor incredibly smart. Not that your opinion counts for anything outside this web page.

[You couldn't just try again? You'd prefer to pout about it, and you still wonder why you didn't make the cut?]

So, what made you decide to reject my application? Did you think my ego was over-inflated?

[See the above reason. That's all it takes. However, since you can't understand why it sucks, we'll feature you in Why DOES Your Application Suck?]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I fear NOTHING.

[This wasn't bad.]

My motto is: Fear is for small minds.

[This would have worked better if you explained why you say this.]

I am a talented songwriter who will have all of you begging for my autograph (or my underwear if you're a pervert with a crush on me) in a few years.

[File this under: So fucking what.]

I used to believe in shit like true love, then I realized what a horrible psychic slavery "true love" is and got over it.

[This simply sounds like you've gotten out of a bad relationship, and with a stronger application, one that featured more of your own reasoning, it would possibly have worked.]

I'll fuck any asshole who's good-looking and good in bed.

[Why would you fuck an asshole? Don't you think you deserve something better? Your point is obviously one of serving your physical needs, but surely you could pick a better maintenance man. I won't let an asshole work on my car....]

Some of my friends think I am getting used and should wait for someone I love, but that is bullshit.

[Why mention your friends at all?]

Getting used is when you love someone and he/she betrays you. Getting laid with someone you don't love is good fun without emotional consequences.

[Good point.]

The main reason I am a bitch is because I say my opinions out loud, very loud, and they are generally too extreme for most people to handle.

[But...what...are...they?]

If you think I am conceited,

[Conceited had nothing to do with this. This is where you prove to me that you understood the site and have something to offer.]

listen to my music and read my poems, and you'll see that I have GOOD REASONS for thinking so highly of myself.

[You don't need GOOD REASONS to think highly of yourself. This part is about you, you, you and that makes you a PRINCESS, not a Bitch.]

One Liner:
"I am not going to stroke you as you have a hand and can do that yourself when you get the daily urge." --John Wayne Gacy

[Personal error - I don't respect serial killers, or the people that quote them for shock value.]

Hell, I've seen worse in your quotes from Exemplary Heartless Bitches. And it's true that you'll be hearing from me on the radio.

[Of all the things that was actually wrong with your application, your musical talent was never in question. I don't care about it one way or another. I'm not here to judge your musical potential, just your Bitch potential. Your first attempt was weak.
If you get THIS bent out of shape over something that you say "means nothing outside the web page", you are never going to make it in the music industry.]


Listen for a band called Dark Heart.

[If and when you make it big, you will not be called Dark Heart. It's not catchy.]

Was it the fact that my quote came from John Wayne Gacy?

[Not as much as you might think, but more than your songwriting skills.]

The guy was a total dickhead but that quote's a lot better than most of your "exemplary" ones.

[Telling someone to masturbate is hardly a novelty on that page.]

I thought you were less squeamish than that.

[So you admit it was for shock value. Score one for Jade.]

Is it that I talked about my ex, and how he turned me from a romantic into a cynic?

[You didn't really mention your ex, but I called that one, too. Score TWO for Jade.]

Actually, I think you may have just lost the application.

[Then why didn't you reapply, idiot?]

If you don't recognize any of the stuff above as from an application from somebody with the user ID DarkHeart, then e-mail me at dumbass@doofussucks.com saying that you lost it, and I'll send in a new one.

[The mountain comes not to Mohammed.]

If you do recognize the application and have rejected it, then e-mail me to tell me why.

[Subtlety is lost on you. It's best to simply assume it sucked (or that you didn't follow one of the rules of submission - like having a web-based e-mail address), and try again...or not.]

I won't send in another application because that would just be telling you what you want to hear.

[Do you not understand that once you are tossed in the loser section, no one thinks on you ever again? Do you think I name each turd before I flush? "Bye-bye, Doofus. Hope you apply again. Bombs away?" Don't be silly.]

If you don't e-mail me, I will correctly judge that you are too stupid to tell me why my application was rejected.

[You don't see a letter of acceptance, you don't see yourself on Weak of the Week and you can't figure out that you were rejected, so you call ME stupid. If you need this spelled out to you in such fine detail, don't bother reapplying, because you'll never pass the minimum intelligence requirement.]

Email : Father_Son_and-Holy-Spirt@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
< "I'm heartless bitch because of the all the pathetic whinny little assholes out there make that way!!"

[I see, it's all someone ELSE'S fault.]

I have total control over my body, mind, and spirt.

[No, you don't. Didn't you just say that they made you that way?]

My mouth moves freely,

[And independent of brain.]

and ful of spirt.

[Good. You're loaded and may take aim at all the fluffy bunnies. Loogies away.]

My mind works all the time thinking of how some way I can make my next victim's life miserable ass hell,

[Ass hell? Would that be like eating a lot of jalapenos and okra? Or would it be more like diamond dust toilet paper? Ooh, maybe it's like the first bowel movement after anal surgery, repeated throughout all eternity?]

but of course some people say this is like heaven, if true i would rather go to hell. I'm like the devil i love to eat everyone's spirt, chew it, and spit it back out

[Now that's just damned nasty.]

so I can laugh at their tears.

[I'm in tears right now, thinking about toilet seats with spikes encrusted in them.]

One Liner:

There's only one true judge, so chill and let the heartless bitches do their job!!

[We hereby find you guilty and sentence you to remedial schooling, effective immediately.]

[In the tradition of saving the "best" for last:

When Good HTML Goes Bad.

(this page was SO stinky, so horrifying, that we had to quarantine it.)]


Don't do it. I'm warning you.



Copyright© Heartless Bitches International (heartless-bitches.com) 2000, All Rights Reserved


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