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Weak of the Week
The best of the worst Membership Applications

For the Week of January 5, 2001
edited by JadeSyren



Email : too-mad-to-punctuate@AOL.COM

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
THE WORLD IS BECOMING OVERRWHELMINGLY POPULATED BY WOMEN WHO NEED TO BE IN A GROUP FOR THEIR BRIANS TO FUNCTION PROPERLY

[Oh, I could tell you why, the ocean's near the shore. I could think of things I'd never thunk before. And then I'd sit...and think some more. If I only had a Brian.]

... I AM DOWN TO ONE FRIEND BECAUSE OF THE FACT THAT I CAN NOT SIT AND MAKE UP

[...your mind to end a sentence?]

SOMEONES MIND FOR THEM MY BOYFRIEND SAYS ALL THE TIME THAT I AM TOO BITCHY FOR MOST PEOPLE

[That's a nice way for him to say that you've cost him all HIS friends, too.]

AND IT IS NOT THAT I AM INTOLERANT OR IMPATIENT SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST SO STUPID AND ITS NOT THAT I AM ANGRY EITHER

[Stop shouting and I'd believe you. You said all this with just one breath.]

One Liner:
WHY DID GOD PUT A MOUTH THERE...???

[So you can see where the food is going.]

Email : supermodel-smart@gateway.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
years of marriage have taught me

[Next to nothing.]

that men love long hair and large breasts.

[So why aren't you married, if that's all they want. Who cares what they want?]

I currently have waist-length blonde hair and 38D breasts as well as a tiny waist.

[God forbid that we ask you what you THINK.]

If I can go through all the work of keeping myself in shape

[What's on the inside doesn't matter, so long as it comes in a pretty little package. How much work do you require? Sounds like your maintenance is quite high. Too bad you don't have inner beauty. One car wreck and you're over.]

my boyfriend had better look like he came out of either GQ or Playgirl.

[Your standards are dreadfully low. Didn't you read our section on Himbos?]

To my ex-husband: enjoy the memories!

[Of what? Life with you is like masturbating with a centerfold]

One Liner:
If I don't get the attention I deserve from my boyfriend I can always walk past a construction site.

[Don't forget the county jail. Or your mirror.]

Email : gothic_whore@it figures.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I don't give A damn because I am what I am.

[...because she eats her spinach, she's Popeye the Gothic Whore.]

One Liner:
Stereotypical bitch.

[Stereotypical, anyway.]

Email : bore-job@rochester.rr.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I lead people on, and then when i am about to give in, i make fun out of them.

[Because you have a fear of intimacy and can't relate to people.]

One Liner:
Scooby doo, boo hoo, so fuck you!

[This could have been cool, had it been scat. Scoobiddy dooby doo.]

Email : dingbat-gal@GRANBURY.COM

UserID : BITEME!

[We have a winner.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
THE PUSSY ALWAYS HAS THE POWER!

[Yours needs a kick start.]

One Liner:
I'M IN TRAINING,LIFE,IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT.

[We're not accepting charity cases. You'll have to get trained elsewhere.]

Email : trite@silverchair.org

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I despise the existence of men.

One Liner:
Look- I'm only 98% percent bitch, 2% princess.

[Oh no. Anyone that starts a diary about her life and eating disorder, but won't post a word until she finds a writer is more than 2% princess.]

Email : another_moron@stvincent.ac.uk

UserID : getalife!

[Another alarm sounds.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
coz i'm fed up of fucked up sluts thinin

[Just join the Feed Fucked-up Sluts Committee (FFUSC). You'll be glad ya did.]

there al that and so yeah..innit

[Innit what?]

One Liner:
u fucked up crazed on timin son of a slut and i hate u u fucked up fucknut

[Why do I get the sneaking suspicion that YOU'RE the fucked up one?]

Email : freaky-cheerleader@angelfire.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
thats what men make us women that way !

[Because women (like you) have no choice! Yea Team.]

One Liner:
*i'm sweet like heaven hot as hell,dis lil devil gonna make you yell*

[Gimme a D! Gimme a U! Gimme an M! Gimme a B!]

Email : just annoying@msn.com

URL : [I wish you could see it, so you would know how painful this one was.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
[The favored color for lame applications.]

Greetings, I feel that I am a heartless bitch because I will go to the ends of the world and back to screw over those that have hurt me, the more I care about them and the more I am vindictive.

[The Heartless Bitch Standard is to go on with your life, first and foremost. Whether you are living to please someone, or living to punish them, you are STILL living for someone ELSE.]

Case in point, my now exfiancee, I am holding his personal possessions hostage til he acts like an adult for once.

[Until HE acts like an adult? Sounds like you're holding onto his trash so he'll come back.]

I was deemed by him and his friends to be a raging bitch. I only laughed, they haven't seen the real bitch I can be. I am not however a fem-natzi or man-hating bulldyke,

[No, you'd have to think for yourself to be anything. What would you do with yourself if you couldn't worship men? Hint: evolve.]

I am simply a vindictive heartless bitch when I need to be. I really admire this website for giving the proverbial middle finger salute to the jerks out there. Thanks, and keep up the good work on the site.

[Thanks, you were one of them.]

One Liner:
Don't piss me off, I'll light you on fire.

[No, you'll just mope, pout, and write snotty things about us in your diary.]

Email : too-dumb_even-for-AOL@aol.com

URL : I do but does it have to be non web based too

[Pondering the image of a non-web based URL.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I have always been a heartless bitch. Ever since I was a child, people have told me that I was heartless, bitch, etc., and they were all right.
When I was seven, I killed my brother's pet rabbit, Snarfy, because he wouldn't stop playing with my lipstick that my mom gave me, and he broke it.

[What a smart rabbit! Later he went to work for Trix.]

I was sooo mad, I threw the rabbit across the room and it hit the wall. I felt kind of bad, but then I reminded myself that I am a COLD person and PROUD OF IT!!!!

[Okay, qualification one: bunny-killer. Check.]

I've always hated animals, I don't know why they are even on this fucking earth, they are stupid and smelly and they never do what you fucking want them to!!!!!!

[The same could be said for children, but that's another issue.]

When I was 10 I had a puppy for a while, but god it was so fucking stupid!!!

[They are usually limited to the intelligence of the trainer.]

AND I liked it at first but like, it was like, you know, it would wake me up at knight, and it peed on my leather jacket that looked fucking cute on me, and then it started liking my brother better than me

[You should be used to that by now, right? I like your brother more than I like you, too.]

and so I kicked it and made sure it knew I didn't like it anymore, and it ran away one day and never came back.

[And you said that dog wasn't smart. He was just unlucky, that's all.]

I think it was ok though, someone probably found it and took it in, and then THEY were the poor saps who fed it and let it jump on the counter and pee on their coats and chew their furniture and let it manipulate them with sad looks into giving it food, BASTARF!!!!!

[I got a thing about people that misspell profanity. Somehow they seem stupider than the average lout.]

Between the ages of 8 and 13, I chased my parents around the house with butcher knives when I got upset. I know, I know, most people are going to think, when they read this, that I am like irrational and/or self centered or something,

[I was thinking more along the mentality of your parents. I would have drop-kicked you.]

but they just don't understand how FUCKING STUPID THEY WERE!!!

[Believe me, I do. They are the type of parent that threatens to sue the school because their kids get caught cheating. The common, garden-variety, sun-sets-on-my-brat's-ass parent.]

They deserved it. I usually got what I wanted in the end,

[You'd have gotten it in the END, alright.]

some ice cream, an appology, ya know...
I sort of decided when I was like 13-14 that if people knew I chased my parents around with knives they would think I was weird or something, so I stopped.

[Spoiled is the word that you're searching for.]

My mom died when I was 13 and I was like good, I don't have to put up with anymore of her stupid fucking mom-isms, she never understood me any-fucking-way. My dad died when I was 16, of a heart attack. I didn't, and don't, miss either of them.

[This act is very boring, actually.]

It's funny recalling that my brother liked to play with my lipstick,because I suspect he is a fag. I wouldn't be suprised -- I hate fucking fags, and I hate him, so why not put the two together. He was always such a sweet little disgusting nut cake.

[Like fitting a square peg in a round hole. Why not?]

I hope he is miserable, wherever he is..

[Because misery loves company.]

Yeah I have always been cold to people and unfriendly and snide and stuff, and I always come up with really witty remarks and comebacks to people when I am rude

[I have yet to see evidence of wit from you.]

to them. I am rude to most pople,

[Rude? Rude is easy. Farting is rude.]

and only hang out with people like me and my fag of a boyfriend.

[Gasp! You're dating your brother, the rabbit? Shame upon thee.]

I don't respect him, but I like him at the same time because he does whatever I want him too. He is kind of like a styleless hunk of a lump that I can mold into whatever I like.

[You're dating the Pillsbury Doughboy.]

I don't let him get away with very much of his own behaivior, like his tastes in food places blah etc. I let him: Fuck me upside down, he cums really hard when I let him do that it is funny. Play music, he likes enya I don't really like music but I don't mind if he has it on low. I don't let him be all sappy and crap.

[ACK! Way too much information. Yeesh.]

I hate over sweet nasty people who are gooey sensitive and crap. PUKE!!!!!!!!!
Peopole who annoy me: People who are really over into their hobbies like music, books, etc. I hate gays and lesbians and jewish people. I'm not a biggot, they are just bad people and I think they should all die, I'm just too lasy to go kill them plus I would probably go to jail and I've been there because I used to be a prostitute and marijuana/cocaine user

[Ah. The truth at last. Believe it or not, she can't maintain this pace. It gets even more incoherent from here. Scary, I know.]

and jail fucking sucks, let me tell YOU!!!!!! This is a message to the kids, marijuana is ok but cocaine is some nasty ass shzit and iz hard 2 quit.

[2 legit. 2 legit 2 quit. -MC Hammer.]

When I express my opinions like this a lot of people look at me funny and before they can say anything i am like WELL FUCK YOU YOU CLOSED MINDED PIECE OF SHIT AND STOP OF!!!!!

[Do you mean "Step Off?" I can't imagine a jail-seasoned crack-whore like yourself isn't "jiggy wit'" the lingo.]

But I feel like I can express myself with the heartless bitches, you guys are almost as cool as me.

[I get chills to think.... No. I SHUDDER to think.... I get cold feet.... Never mind. What is so cool about sucking dick AND crack?]

I should be the president laday of this site. I will just be open with you, I plan on ranking up here until I am!!

[It would be amusing to open you up to the direct ridicule of the rest.]

muaha, jk whoever is the president is probaly arright with me. Just as long as s/he isn't a fag. Are there a lot of faggot members? If so, fuck... I will fuck them up, yo.

[What made you WANT to join, since you know nothing about us?]

Here is some now very personal information that I would like t0 share with the record

[That's FOR the record, and how could it be more personal than all the cum?]

and just get out in the open, becasue I think I am starting to make this too long a bit, and I need to get a lot of information like this in and out and in the open...

[You'll be sooorrry.]

I am a scorpion sign,

[Bah! What kind of pagan doesn't know basic astrology.]

I work at dairymat, I am a practising witch wiccan and wise woman

[*Snort* You can practice for four lifetimes and still never come close to silly, much less WISE.]

and proud of it, I and the owner of the coven clan on IRC. I have sex with whoever I want and am very casual about it, but it is one thing my boyfriend gets upset about so I don't usually tell him because I need to have at least one steady guy, you know?

[Why? You didn't even need your parents, remember?]

I have to take medication for attention deficit disorder,

[This is probably the first and only true thing you've said. How can anyone doubt that you are taking medication? I'd up the dosage.]

and it makes me calmer, and it's not something I feel ashamed of or anything, it'd just who I am. I am 5'8" with wavy bright red hair, clear smooth skin that is pretty and cream colored in the winter, and tan in the summer, green eyes, big eyelashes, large breasted, long slender legs. I work out every day jogging and absliding.

[Are you applying for membership or a date? Neither works.]

I get most of my stuff from my boyfriend because he is almost a lawyer and he has monays, yaw!

[There's no money in "almost." Please. Everyone is almost a doctor, lawyer, indian chief. What the fuck is "almost?"]

LOL!!!!!.brb

[We're not chatting. Why the "be right back?" To me, you never left, and OH! How I wish you would.]

I have had a lot of boyfriends and even a girlfriend once but that was ugly and i hope she dies bcuz she is a lesbian, but anyway,

[You're on Ambien? Lithium? You've got to have a chemical imbalance in there.]

if people dump me or are mad because i dump them (i am literally called a heartless bitch all the time) then I always come up with clever plans of revenge, and trust me, they pay.
I could write a lot more, but I have to go to work and I just wanted to submit this. I look forward to being a CERTIFIED heartless bitch

[Well, that explains it. You're already one of those.]

even tho i already know i am one in my cold black heart!

One Liner:
I don't let people boss me around, and I'm not afraid to smack you!!
and
I'm not sick, I am always hot and cold at the same time.

[I'm thinking about forwarding this to mental health educators.]

Email : sexpants@idonthaveotherkindofemailufuckingbitc.com

[This obviously isn't real.]

URL : testicles.cum

[Look, she made a funny.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i 7FUCK7 everyone and have killed 1a1 person and i tonk shit from 7ANYONE7

[Think there is a conspiracy with the random numbers?]

and i make sure i always get me way, 7I STAND FOR BITCH, I AM COOKIE.7

[You don't stand for Bitch, you're a cookie. C is for Cookie, that's good enough for me. AARGH! C is for Cookie, that's good enough for me. C is for COOKIE, that's good enough for me. Ohhh. Cookie, Cookie, Cookie starts with C.]

7FUCK YOU ALL!!!!!!77I RULE77AND IF YOU DONT ACCEPT MY APLICATION I WILL GET REVENGE AN YOU WILL BE SOOOOOOOOORRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYY7

[You mean that it gets worse than this? She's probably going to raid my cookie jar.]

One Liner:
7I MEAN BE A CONVICT BUT I STILL AM 13!!! FUCK YOUR OWN ASS.7

[This application was brought to you by the letters C and P and by the number 7.]





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