edited by JadeSyren
For the week of November 7th, 1999
(JadeSyren) Editor's Note:
Welcome back to another round of Weak of the Week.
Would you believe that I've had to pass over some of the weaker
applicants because their lameness has been showcased to death?
Sad, but true. You'd think with all the help, clues and examples...
both of what and what not to do, we'd have a new crop of losers
to sort through.
I'd also like to take the time to point out that this column is
called Weak of the Week. What this means is not that you're
scorned, damned and removed for all time. You're not even barred
from reapplying. It simply means that the present application is
so ridiculous, so funny, so... easy to mock... that we just can't pass
them around amongst ourselves. We wanted to share them with you.
Learn to laugh at yourselves, for goodness sakes, because we sure are.
Hell, we even take off the identifying bits so only a select few of
us know it was YOU.
Email : lame69game@loserville.com
UserID : bitchin
One Liner:
I am the Bitch... Beautiful,intelligent,teezing,cunning,horny..Thanks!
[And what can I add to that?}
Email :theyallcomefrom@aol.com
UserID : KWeeNbEe
[For reasons unbeknownst to me, KweenBee wanted to appear on Weak of the Weak. Behold.]
Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I am THA heatless bicth, i don't let NO ONE SCREW WIT ME!!!! I am totalley bitchy to all my "friends" and I date people and then when they are asleep I have this "lucky pocket knife" and I make slipht laserations on there little privetes and then i run away and laugh and laugh and laugh!~~~ and I right about it and tell all my "friend" about it and other people who are just like on the street an stuff around my apartpent and they all like oh your so EVIL!!! i dont have ne real friends because I just am so a bicth to them and theu are all frightened of me and shiat!!! I go to there houses and I steal from them and they are like, they never notice. i ha a date and he tracked me down wonce and he said I was a sychopath and I laughed at him but then he had me arrested because I made all the little lasarations on his privetes and stuff so I just was totally bitch and shit to all the people. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
[There are many things that frighten me about this. Kweenbee attends public schools. This is most likely how she talks in real life. She is untreated.]
One Liner:
I am the big fat man sized seagull queen and I am too busy being pampered so I make asll the little frightened segulls go down and peck you on the head.
[Yep, untreated.]
Name: d
Email : d@tinet.ie
UserID : dee
[Our "d" is very imaginative.]
One Liner:
Life is like my ass you have to kiss it before i like you
[I have to get Life to like me somehow? Maybe you have to kiss a lot of ass in life? Wrong on both counts.]
[I swear in a million years you could not get so tragically misplaced an application...I only wish I could disclose the real identity, because you wouldn't believe it unless you read it. When someone tries so hard to be on this page, it's hard not to oblige them. Send fan mail next time, Cinderella.]
Name: Cutesie
Email : rainbows@fushia.com
UserID : petal
URL : a what? is this like some kind of sample?
[I can't fucking believe you stuck a LIKE in there. I can understand how it slips out when you talk, but when you TYPE. Tell me fairy-lips, do you get the big, strong man to turn on your little pink computer too? How in hell did you get HERE? Do you need some bread crumbs for your trail?]
Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I watch Melrose Place,
[Whoa there, Bambi. Say no more. You're a dadgum shoo-in, I tell ya.]
and Amanda is just so fabulous and so strong and lot's of people tell me I look like her.
[I wonder how long it took you to fake this application. I'm guessing 2 days.]
One Liner:
I am a natural blonde.
UserID : Dumbo
[Says it all...]
One Liner:
I don't know why the fuck I bother you are all a load of whinging wanabe bitches. Lets face it you're not going anywhere in life! Fuck off.
[You stopped in to tell us that WE don't have a life...]
Email : hermentalillnessnoshit@Aol.com
Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
What the hell is html?
[You're soaking in it]
I'm a pure bitch to the younger!! Out my way, you little fag!!! Ugh, they are annoying tits, don't you think?
[Slop the mountain great. Eat figs, they're blue chewy. What-the-hell-did-you-do-with-your-meds?]
Email : scold@iol.eeek
Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i am getting sick of this channel rejecting my answer!!!!!
[Yeah, well...we're sick of rejecting it.]
Email :idiotdeluxe@aol.com
Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Look I have a headache right now and a friend of mine gave me
this address to check out. I liked the cut of your jib so I
thought I would join... BUT! There are too manny answers to
that statment so how about you all just piss off!
[My widdo bwain! It hurts my widdo bwain!]
One Liner:
I may be badd; but I feel good...
['badd' at spelling for sure, and hopelessly lost in cliche-land.]
Name: Chumpawumba
Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
am tired of married bastards using and dumping me when their wives come around.
[How many times do you have to make the same mistake before you realize that it's YOU?]
One Liner:
men are viruses and know what they make you sick.
[Know what? You want www.iwannasitinmyownshitandcry.com. We're always getting their mail. Try there for sympathy.]
Name: Mel
Email : blowjob@sentex.net
URL : no, I have a life
[You're so engrossed in your life that you scan our pages in undisguised lust/rage. You decide with your full, enriched life that you must, simply MUST take the time to give us a good bashing. You've sold me, buddy. Your plate is full.]
Email : beaniebrain@iamanitwit.co.uk
UserID : ANGEL
[She loves her ironic sense of style.]
Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I AM GOING OUT WITH SEVEN BOYS AT ONCE AND I DON'T LIKE ANY OF THEM
[I have bad taste, no sense and I'm so proud I'M SHOUTING.]
One Liner:
gO AND GROW A DICK IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF ON YOUR HEAD
[Are your standards THAT high?]
Name: very ironic name. We'll call her Ann Dyka
Email :It could only be@aol.com
UserID : TruBitch
[chortle]
URL :
Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm a Heartless Bitch because......
after many years of listening to a whiney husband
and how he only cared about himself....I decided
to teach him a lesson....after learning that he had a
Mistress on the side I decided to follow him one night, andhe
led me right to their apartment. He parked his car next to his
girlfriend's and then I had the good luck of finding
both cars open, unlocked! I convienently had many
different lengths of chains in my trunk and proceeded
to "link" their cars together and putting two padlocks
on the chains to hold them together, RUSTY padlocks!
I then went across the street and made a phone call to
have him called on duty, he was a paramedic at the loca hospital,
[Loca indeed!]
(great to have friends in all places!. Then I got the joy
of watching him and his girlfriend frantically try to
unlock the chains that bound them! May they
live happily ever after!
[Ready for the kicker? The AOL profile.]
Member Name: She is a Bifem, He is str8.......a very disciplined slaveboy
[Well, I wouldn't hire them. She can't keep her own slaveboy under control. Not good for business.]
Location: MI, SE MI, Michigan, Mich
Birthdate: Ages she/44, he/51
Sex: Female
Marital Status: Mistress to Slave4XXXX....
Hobbies: We are looking for a BiFem subbie to train and serve Mistress along with present slave......discretion is an absolute must......NO SINGLE MEN PLEASE
Computers: If we are on-line IM us, lets chat....if not then send us an email to XXXX69. Let's get together!
Occupation: Both Professionals
Personal Quote: Men are but children of a larger growth.............
[Try and actually BE a Heartless Bitch, instead of trying to boost your reputation next time.]
Email : crybaby@neenerneenerneener.co.uk
UserID : Whatever
Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I just wanted to say that being a bitch should come naturaly to females and you shouldnt have to make up some "witty" phrase to get into your crappy club which by the way totally contradicts itself by giving out rules how to be a bitch when you say "ignore all rules".
[Consider it our way of letting you cretins sort yourselves.]
One Liner:
You must have been really bored to make up this site cause it sure is crap.
[Sour grapes? Anyone?]
[Introducing Mr.Insanity '99]
Name: slut face cunt sucker
Email : suckmydick@hadtokickit.8m.com
UserID : idiot
URL :
Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
there is some. there is one where. no dont write that! leanne stop! now!
One Liner:
hey guess what?
i know i owe you 20 dollars.
maybe if you didn't remind me like 8973823 times a day, I'd give you
the fucking money.
Email : killahbabe@braindonor.com
UserID : killah
Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
[Brace yourselves.]
I don`t care about boys so very much.They`re not the reason why i dress up the way I do.Guys can just go strait to hell cause they allways thnik that they r much better than the girls!But I love 2pac n e way....I just....I...oh...I`m just a heartless bitch!
Hard 2 explain.....
[Even harder to follow. You lost me after 2Pac.]
You guys can such you`re ashole and go straight to hell...fuck you!!
[Reading this is the internet equivalent of randomly and repeatedly hitting 'mute' on your television.]
One Liner:
I don`t understand why every goy in the world r taking womens because how they`re lokking!That`s not fair cause maybe you r really cool but not very pritty ... so what????I am a killahbabe!!!!!
[You should pray to every God you hold sacred that you either develop like never before, or that you're Bill Gates's daughter. Otherwise your chances of success are very, very slim.]
Email : killahbabe@braindonor.com <<[Back for round two, I see...]
UserID : killah
URL :
Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I know how to treat men...you take his underwear with you`re hand,and then you hand him somewhere
Here you are with a fresh start, a second chance and this...THIS is the best you could come up with? You take his underwear with your hand..as opposed to with your nose, or pet snake...and you take him...oh, I dunno...somewhere. Not to hell, or the zoo, beyond the sun, or even the laundromat...just...that vague place called Somewhere. The scary part is that she probably agonizes over every word she sends us.]
One Liner:
I only say:
Fuck the world and fuck the boyz!!!!
[Fuck learning too. Why not. Wurkz 4 U, right?]
Email : impaired@dodo.com
Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i really like to break hears of others
[Hearts? Heads? Ears? Whores?]
One Liner:
well all i think is about sex drugs & ahcohol
[You don't say.]
Email : stalker@fatalinstinct.se
Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i am not letting 'him' get away with that he thought he could play with me this summer,
i really got him to call me "bitch" too, after telling him what i thought about what he did.
So i flame him with bitchy mails [stalked him]about how stupid he was to think he could just dump me...[After reading this, it's the smartest move he made]
he said he didnt have bad conscious about it [Why should he?], but after my icq-flames on him, he really got anxcious
about it[a crazy stalker like you would make anyone nervous. Get off his leg, the date is OVER], and i wont give up[Obviously, and it's the direct cause of his nervousness.] until he comes begging on his knees for forgiveness[or a court injunction, whichever], and i have told him that[We know, we know. Leave the poor guy alone already. Don't you have bigger fish to fry? Get a life.]
This icecream-boy thinks he is gods gift to women, but he has to think twice about that now...[You've taught him that there really *are* crazy, untreated people out there.]
and my theme now is : NO MORE MR. NICE GUY!!!
One Liner:
No more ms. nicegirl!
[No shiny Heartless Bitch card either.]
Email : completelyridiculous@AOL.COM
UserID : ANDWHAT
Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I AM A HEARTLESS BITCH BEAUSE........AND WHAT ??? I FEEL LIKE IT !!!!! NOW WILL YOU PLEASE STOP BREATHING MY AIR ??? UGHHHH !!!!!
[You first.]
[And you won't believe her AOL profile...]
Member Name: ~~~~~ I Be DaT GhEtTOsUpAsTaR ~NaMeS 4 aLL My PeRsOnAliTiEs.........
[How many do you wanna guess she has?]
Location: ***HaRD HiTTeN NeW BrITaIn BuT I DuNnO If Im On ThE MaP *****CoMpUtER LoVe HHmmm WhAt iS ThIS AlL AbOuT ???? .lets make that d0e bay b <awwww> !!!!!!!
Birthdate: SeXxY SaGiTaRiUsS ~ ~OvEr 25~~
[I'll bet you thought she was still in junior high, didn't you? What? You're not convinced?]
Sex: Female
Marital Status: <~~LoCkDoWn...KeEpIn It TiGht
Hobbies: ~~WoOoOHoOoO~~YoU JuMpiN' OuT Da WhIp Ta Do wHa ??? AnD YeS I Am a MeMBeR Of ThE HeArTLeSS BiTcHeS ClUb.... AnD WhAt ???!!!!!! AnD yA KnoW i GoTtA KeEp It tiGhT FoR My Bay b !!!!!
[I challenge you to cough up an ID, GhettoSupPerstar.]
Computers: DiD U FoRGeT ?? No LeSs ThAn ThE VeRy BeSt 4 DaDdY's LiL "SuPaStAr"
[I shudder thinking how she paid 'daddy' for the very best computer.]
Occupation: ShOoTiNg rUbBeR BaNdS aT tHe sTaRs .....i love the $$$$........can i get sum m0d0e????
[News Flash...Edie Brickell is now from the Hood.]
Personal Quote: SAVE THE DRAMA 4 THE SPRINGER SHOW AND ILL CHECK IT OUT TOMORROW*****LOVE TO ALL MY SISTA'S FROM "DA LOOP" NUTHOUSE 4EVA !!*****MaDsToOPiDLoVe*** **
[Well, this was like watching an episode of Sanford and Son, when the white cop says cool stuff, like "Right Off" or "Gimme four".]
Email : ???@whathafuck.au
Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
when a man continues harassing me and can't understand the world no,
I tell him that that is not 9 inches(holding my thumb and
forefinger about 1 inch apart), and besides, I wouldn't send a boy in
to do a man's job. Anyway, by the time he's 30 (or 40 or whatever)
I'd just trade him in on two 15/20 year olds and train them.
[Didn't you just say you wouldn't send a boy in to do a man's job? Make up your mind.]
Email : trendsetter@sadsickworld.com
Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I cannot think of a better reason to kill than stupidity and arrogance. [Me neither.]Since our male population provides us with more of the physical manifestation of these two qualities than the female population [Not from where I sit. Women can hold their own on that one.]- on average, it made me more inclined to think a long time before getting involve.[But you stuck to your convictions and waffled.] By the way, I'm into my third marriage[Can't cut it alone, eh?] and I have two daughters, one is lesbian.
[Shazam! She said the magic word. Lesbian. What a door-opener. Pay attention like you never have before. We don't care about your kids. We don't care that she's a lesbian. We're not girlfriends here. You birthing a lesbian doesn't make you a Heartless Bitch. Lesbians have been unfortunate enough to have mothers from all cracks and rock-undersides of life. What does this have to do with you? Absofuckinglutely nothing. Also note that YOU being a lesbian will not get this mountain to move either. Now go read the "Deal With It" section until you cry, identify or understand.]
To all sensible heartless bitches out there, hello - hope we'll get along fine and look forward to connecting.
[Maybe next time.]
One Liner:
Helping Humans Become Better Beings - not bitter beings!
[Just what we needed, a sanctimonious, do-gooding failure.]
Email : directionless@planetmongo.com
Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm a heartless bitch because, i can't stand stupid people. I can't
stand people who whine, or people who are corny.[She thinks this is a
therapy session] People think I'm mean because they and
complain[?] about women (or men) and much they hurt them, and i
say "so." People can only hurt you if you allow them to hurt you. I've
been accused of having no emotion, and living too much insinde my own
head. I work at a grocery store, and these fucking people come in and
pay with food stamps, and yet their standing there talking on a cell
phone. Then they proceed to leave in cadillac. I have no sympathy for
people who come through my line paying with some sort of welfare that
are pregnant.[She'd prefer them on crack like the rest of the
impoverished.] It's like you know what, you can't offord the kids
you have. I'm sick of the excuse that "he does like condoms because it
doesn't feel as good." wake up its your body. i have no sympathy for
women who think that men are everything and don't realize its their
life. if you don't like your man leave him![I have no sympathy for
people that go on and on and on and never seem to do anything about it.
If you can't change it...move on.] Don't complain to me about
it.[But it's okay for you to cry about it.] And guess what it
takes two, honey. I'm sick of these new female artists that really need
to put some cloths on and stop selling their music with thier bodies.
(britanny spears, jenniger lopez)[Well, you don't expect them to have
talent, do you? Turn off your TV. Stop watching MTv.] I'm sick of
these people who live in L.A. and are called "earthquake victims." You
know, they knew when they moved there, they were choosing to reside on a
faultline.[I guess anyone that moves to an area with people is just
asking for crime, too.] Thier no victims, they knew exactly what
they were doing.[Well, don't cry to your friends about how you're
featured this week.] I'm not racist,[Which really means you ARE,
but that's a different story.] but i'm sick of minorities getting
the job[My God, that frychef job was YOURS by right], even though
a white person was better for the job, just because their a
minority[How many jobs do YOU turn down because you're the ONLY woman
in the department, miss thing?]. i mean if they're better suited for
the job, fine. [And no one knows better than you. Shit, why aren't
you running for office by now.]NO ONE should get benefits for a
having a different skin color.[Would you settle for equality? I know
they would.] just like no white person should either.[Obligatory
statement] I'm sick of these stupid teenage girls who are so
obsessed with fashion, they actually go to the mall and buy clothes to
wear for the mall. I was actually in the mall one time and overheard
this conversation between these two girls. [Have you tried minding
your own business? I hear it's good for your complexion. Stop all this
eavesdropping, it's unbecoming.]This girl said "this doesn't look
good on me when i sit down. Well, it'll be good to wear in the mall,
cause we're always standing up." I was on a class trip and we were
driving in the bus[How many drivers WERE there?] and we passed a
gap and this chick layed on the floor of the bus and was actually
screaming and crying "stop the bus, it's a gap." so went over there and
told her to get up, shut the fuck up and not to do anything so stupid
agia n. She was like i'm sorry and got this scared look on her
face.[Being close to people on the edge of sanity will do that do
you. If that's your idea of intimidation, congratulations.] she
didn't do anything stupid the whole rest of the trip. so you see i'm a
heartless bitch,[Where?] i'm not afraid to show it and people,
especially men, are rather intimidated by me.
[Your whole rant was
about women, however. Not ONE peep out of you about deadbeat dads that
leave families ON welfare, and NOT ONE WORD about unfair corporate
hiring practices (esp. enforced quota systems). Most especially not one
single word about exploitation (why do you THINK female singers trundle
up their tits?) and not a single word about how fashion exploits the
gender barriers. You're as deep as a puddle. I'll bet you think that
attire contributes to rape, too.]
Read the Previous edition of the Weak of the Week
Copyright© Heartless Bitches International (heartless-bitches.com) 1999
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