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Weak of the Week
The best of the worst Membership Applications

by JadeSyren

For the Week of October 15, 1999

Name: Sweetpea

[A complete turnaround from her first incarnation. What possesses them to write ME back? Wasn't it punishment enough the first time around?]

Email : stakt@yeah-right.com

[Stacked! As in "against her".]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
actually, I am NOT a heartless bitch....

[What was your first clue?]

and being put on your "Hall of Shame" board really pointed that out.

[Circular reasoning.]

THANK YOU! I have so much more to offer the world than being sized up by some self-appointed rarified bitch QUEEN!

[Really, now. Do tell. What do you have to offer? Let's examine your first submission.]

Email : nightmare@damn-right.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Because I ran for my life from an abusive drunken husband at a tender age,

[She was 6.]

learned to take care of myself, and I mean in EVERY way, and became HARD.. I would rather kick ass then kiss it, and if you try to kiss mine i will shit on you. I would like to meet am an that can put me in my place without using violence..I've yet to meet one. I sometimes do things like trick ppl into

[Try searching for BDSM.]

looking stupid so I can show them how superior I am.. and for those who have stolen my love itnerests.. no matter how lame hte guy is[,,,] that chick best watch her back around ,e///

[The damning three commas to form an ellipse. We know it's you, SweatPiss.]

[Her back-space button ran for its life at a tender age. She was always pounding on it, taking it for granted. Serves her right.]

One Liner:
(him)"a hellcat...christ, what makes you a hellcat?"
(me)"The inner brat coupled with the outer bitch."

[A one-liner shouldn't need a set-up. STOP DOING THIS.]



[Sometimes they come back for more.]

Email : nightmare@damn-right.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Because if my intense duality I must do this

[The voices...in her head...make her submit lame shit twice.]

ok my last submit was weak cuz I am feeling sort of lighthearted,

[Emptyheaded?]

so I thought you should see my latest personal ad.... here it is...

[AIIIIIE! No. Anything but that. Blech. Ptui.]

Once bitten..... OK I was bit more than once, they say love like you have never been hurt.. but then I am not the masochist I must appear to be to have the scars I have. I am not looking for a mate.. just looking for friends(They MUST see the humor in this!!!..)

[Or else those voices will command her to KILL THEM.]

I have serious doubts there is any little difference between Good and Bad,

[Which is why you subjected me to TWO of your horrendous applications.]

and the difference between Right and Wrong is an ethical issue,

[Kinda like saying that water is wet, but that's a dampness issue.]

but there IS a difference between love and sex you know,...too bad so many don't

[Not if you don't see a difference between Good and Bad, and wear scantily clad ethics.]

know what that means...you CAN have both with the same person and not be imprisoned... Wait a minute.. life experience says THAT is Dead Wrong!! There is no difference between love and sex...

[Is all this in your ad? Your phone is ringing off the hook by now.]

just a lot of messed up ppl with strange baggage built up by other messed up ppl that scare new other ppl..

[Ppl...ppl who need ppl...are the luckiest ppl in the world.]

what's the matter with YOU?? can't get any? Which were you REALLY looking for? Are you sure?? we ll need love.. gots to give to get... can you spare any? or

[The new breed of beggar: Got any spare love? Baby needs shoes.]

are you just some horny bastard annoying other horny bastards with your cessant

[That is funny on a level you don't understand. Your intelligence is very "cessant". (You know she DID type it correctly the first time, and thought she had the wrong word, since she didn't know if they fucked their sisters.)]

need for love and confusing it with fear and loathing and calling it sex. If you are not damaged goods you are either a liar or very young and raised in a

[And let me tell ya, Nightmare KNOWS damaged goods.]

bubble. Hey some guy just called me a crazy bitch for this posting! Ya think??

[Crazy? Certifiable.]

.. I am just a product of my environment (you should meet the ex, NOT!).... This computer thing is a nice way to get out and stay isolated...

[Society at large likes you that way.]

what are you waiting for?? everyone!!! come on! throw a party and invite all the ppl that treated you like shit... find out what you always knew!!! It IS lonely at the top!!

[No, no. Being on top doesn't mean that you're AT the top.]

BTW, having a lot to offer and giving it all up are about the same as far as my experience allows, and I got most of mine back.. piece by broken piece... any

[Cue throbbing violin music.]

takers?? Anyone curious enough to look behind my mask? aren't girls made of sugar and spice? well cayenne is a spice... and sugar ferments, you know, like rum...

[This is still no reason to sit at a bar all day.]

One Liner:
what do you call a woman with no asshole?

[Constipated.]

single!!

[Ah. My second guess. (Yeesh.)]

There IS something to be said about being a bitch

[Which is why you applied in the first place.]

(I can't recall ANY of it as redeeming but....)

[That's probably due to your living at a bar.]

.. but it takes a person with heart to make a difference.
Keep up the hard work[,,] and keep rejecting those not only beneath you [,,,] but far, far above you as well.

[In a galaxy, far, far away, at the edge of the known universe, in a land that time forgot, Sweatpiss actually rates higher than someone. (Note her excessive use of commas.)]

But then, I understand sonme ppl who dont get any sex can dry up (in several ways)

[Sweaty, with all the sex you have, how would you know? I thought you were far,,,far,,,above us. Not getting enough sex is as cliché as it gets. Congrats, you're rock-bottom, baby.]

and become extremely difficult to get along with... for ANYONE! It takes a lot of love

[All together now: It's gonna take a lot of looooove...to change the way things are.]

to stop being bitter and to forgive the ones that you deem as "less than".

[Stupidity isn't a sin, but it should be. What am I forgiving you for? Being a failure? Being not-so-bright? Nay, that would truly be above you. I dare to treat the lot of you as equals. Wise up.]

"Fault-finding" doesn't make you a B.I.T.C.H.... it makes you an insecure brat.

[You make it sound like you didn't do a little "fault-flaunting" here.]

Grow up honey, show a little initiative towards adulthood. I am SO GLAD you are not in my social circles...

[You'd just feel snubbed anyway.]

I would have to teach you some manners, I have been known to discipline the most unruly of dogs.

[Once you've rubbed even a most unruly dog's nose in shit, they aren't apt to make that same mistake twice. You have, however. I wonder how many times you'll hand me more material.]

One Liner:
I have known a lot of losers, but you have singlehandedly made them all look so ... so 'beneficial'.

[That's it. Keep swimming in the shallow end.]



Email : crack-head@cs.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
If sarcasm was a city, I would be queen!

[No, you'd be running for Mayor.]

One Liner:
Get out of my way, or you will find out the true meaning of bitch slap!

[This coming from sarcasm's queen? Forget Mayor, you couldn't be within the town's legal limits.]


Email : 2harlots@thegrid.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm a Heartless Bitch because I can't stand being "nice" anymore. I'm currently involved in two projects that I believe both qualify and deserve commendation as a Heartless Bitch!

[We'll be the judge of that, Sparky.]

First project-Oct 13 A friend (also a Heartless Bitch,let's call her G) & I have made arrangements to gate crash an aquaintance's (let's call her N) wedding! This in itself would never win me your nod.

[Kee-rect so far.]

The reasoning hopefully does...The blushing bride (N) invited no one from work to attend besides the two uppermost managers. Pived that I didn't get an invite

[She didn't have to invite you. Like I give a shit about this wedding.]

(as I'm a coworker) I spoke with G as I had heard this bride had been at G's wedding and figured she'd get an invite. Unbeknownst to moi, this bride of Frankenstein totally crashed G's wedding. G's wedding was Medival in theme & held in a Redwood grove here in North CA. Yet uninvited N showed up in a WHITE dress with wonderbra cleavage(no her tits don't do that naturally), looking like the skank she is. Totally inappropriate.

[I see. And Weddings are NOT to be trifled with, as they are the end all, be all of your puny, pointless existences. If the dress code was so important to your shallow friend, I would have recommended keeping spare costumes on hand for anyone who showed up without proper attire. However, the pettiness of being angry that someone DARED to show up to your(her) wedding astounds me. Think how you would have felt if NO ONE showed up to your self-indulgent plea for goodies and worship.]

So, G & I are off to N's wedding to see how she handles not one but two scantaly clad ho bags! Hopefully, later in life she'll take out the wedding pictures with us in the background and be as pissed off at us as G is at her. That'll teach the skank!

[I'm thinking she was justified in not inviting the two of you.]

Second Project is work based. I've got a bullying boss that needs to go! Some would say I need to let it drop.

[Others would say, "Get to work!"]

I say the passive-aggressive cow is trying to stifle me and any chance I have at making it in this company. So, she's goin' down.

[How unfair of her to expect you to work for your pay.]

I have nothing against her personally but when it comes to work she needs to lay off me. Constant nitpicking about correct procedure,

[Translation: Do your job properly, so others don't have to do it again.]

customer service policies, basically any minescule mistake she can dig up, and I mean DIG.

[If she has to do your job for you, why does she need you?]

I've been told by her boss in 5 yrs or less I'll have her job because I have great customer service skills and a great instinct as to what a customer needs to be satisfied.

[Typical corporate double-speak. They tend to pep-talk the weak link in the chain, hoping that this will spur them on to doing what is expected, at least. Don't believe this shit without a tangible job offer.]

Others in my office have commented on the she-cow's tactics regarding them as cheap shots to undermine my self confidence and the little authority I have to make decisions about customer care.

[Would you believe it if they told you that you sucked to your face?]

Her favorite thing to do is tell me to give a customer all that they want, then tell me I gave it to them the wrong way!

[Weren't you LISTENING during your training?]

How FUCKED can you get? Don't worry I'm taking the high road and documenting all the cluster fuck she has given me.

[Why not take the REALLY high road, and do your job? For you, that's the road less traveled. I think it will make all the difference.]

Anyway, I'm a Heartless Bitch because I never forgive a wedding faux pas and I will never let this tyrant have the satisfaction of seeing me quit a job I love!

[Well, as long as you're not shallow, or self-serving, or anything....]

One Liner:
Fuck 'em! I breed for the good of the gene pool!

[Dammit, get out. It's shallow enough.]



Email : heather-hooked-on-phonics@indiana.edu

[A college student!]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I dsf;lksadjfjdsflksajdflksadjfsad
fsadlkfjasd;lfjdsaf
sdfdsa;lkfjdsa;lfkjsd
fdsaflkjsdf;lkjdslkfjlkdsaf

[You misspelled "suck".]

One Liner:
Fuck y'all!

[Heather finds herself at a loss for words. She's not used to thinking for herself.]



Email : irony_abounds@gci.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I don't take shit from no one. All those whiney bitches can shut thier mouth or i well do it for them~~

One Liner:
Obviously you wern't there when they were handing out brains!!

[I'm too busy hootin' and hollerin' to give you a proper response. Don't worry, you won't get this joke, either. Where were you on Brain Day?]



Email : @#$%&*@wilberforce.ac.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

i can say the most cruelest heartless, clodest muthaf###in shit to a guy and not feel bad! ask my ex's!!!!!!

One Liner:
ima mutha f###in bitch an ill nana-i'm gone

[One of the chips in my El-Stupido translator just shorted out.]



[From the "What in hell are they teaching our kids in English?" section:]

Email : barely-literate@webtv.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i am a bitch and proud to be. Bitches rule!!! I guess that I am heartless bitch because I wont put up with peoples shit.

[Obviously not apostrophes.]

If they piss me off, I dont care if I hurt them. But, I will give a person a chance. but when they piss me off of hurts me, thats the end. i will make their lifes as miserable as possible. Especially to the men.

[Don't fuck with her, fellas. She'll tie you down and write to you.]

One Liner:
We bitches are goddesses, so go fuck yourself if u have a problem with it

[Slow down. What's this "we"?]

Country: United States of America

Age: 15-19

[See, right here in America!]



Email : living_dead_girl@cadaver-brain.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I just love to see the others...completly possessed by me...

[Oh, that's all we need. The Stupid Exorcist.]

One Liner:
.I love you to love me.

[I love you to make sense.]



Email : fathead@space.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I am a slut i suck dick day and night i cheat, i eat shit ifuck dogs cats animals. i use people i rape i pillage

[Where do you find the time to do all this when you suck dick day and night?]

One Liner:
fuck off dickheads

[Yeah! You're scaring off her clientele. Here, kitty, kitty.]



Email : pointmisser@bedale79.fsnet.co.uk

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
its on a need to know basis so why the hell should i tell u!

[Psst. Hey, stupid. I need to know. Otherwise, you no get in.]

One Liner:
What shags like a tiger and winks? (wink,wink)

[Fathead@space.com. She probably shags tigers, too.]



Email : dumbass704@webtv.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm a heart less bitch because i go after what i want, i let nothing stand in my way, and i don't stop until i get it.

[Standard English: Capitalize "I". That is all.]

One Liner:
Anything that bleeds a week out of the month is EVIl

[Bring your garlic and crucifixes to the hospital!]



Email : pause-grrl@aol.com(arealone):)

[Huh?]

URL : sorry

[But it SHOULD be dot dot dot dot com.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
HAHA.... ok.... I'll try to make this as short as possible...

[Try, just for a goof, to use a definite finial punctuation mark. Like ONE period. That should shorten most of your rambling.]

Lets see... i was engaged to an ass... and when we broke up i hadn't had my period in awhile...

[No shit. They're all in this application. You've used enough periods to last you to menopause. Pause. What a good word for you. Ever consider a comma for a break in a sentence?]

he knew this... he said this shit about how he'd call and crap - never did...

[That's because a conversation with you takes too damned long. It's like talking to William Shatner, only without the talent.]

SOOO now - if i ever see him again i have the whole thing planned out on how to make him freak out that i had his kid... when it comes down to it i'm not going to SAY it - just imply...

[Like you imply your sentence structure.]

and if it comes even further to the matter - i'll say i had an abortion - cause he's a big-anti-abortion ass....

[Oh, that's a good idea. If he's an ass, why the elaborate scheme? Who becomes the ass? Hint: It's the one that's carefree with her ellipses.]

okay...

[As I read this shit, all I can hear is "dot dot dot."]

i hate people who drive slow in the fast lane....

[Or just drag their feet when it comes time to end a sentence.]

or just drive slow in general... i hate the ass hole teenagers who drive really fast but have no control over the situation - end up loosing control crashing into some innocent people and killing them - but the ass hole teenager lives... the fucker needs to DIE... i'm sorry - but serious - why's the ass always live and the innocent ones die?

[A round of applause. As clumsy as this attempt was, it is her first sentence. Hoorah, or should that be Horrors?]

I dont know if i can narrow this down - i didn't even look at your examples or whatever cause i was scared it would give me even more things to

[Think? I hope, I hope, I hope.]

write about....

[Darn. No thinking.]

I have spent 19 years of my life NOT letting guys pay for me or open doors and

[Oh come on, at least two of those years were spent drooling and pooping. It's more fair to say that you've spent 3-4 years not letting guys pay for you.]

stuff... being independant.. but screw that - I'm a feminist now - BUT i'll let the ass holes pay - let them waste their money

[I thought you said you DIDN'T let them pay for you.]

and energy while i use mine to figure out how to move women up the social ladder....

[I have an idea. You can build your own social ladder if you gather up all these little dots you've scattered around.]

AND i dont care how much money they spend - i'm still not sleepin with them - or giving them anything else to smile about....

[Somehow, unbeknownst to you, you give them dozens of reasons to smile.]

I dont hate all men... i hate just as many women as i do men though... when i see these stupid little teenage girls hanging out smoking or talking about their "college courses" when they're still in high school - i want to kick their asses....

[For being smarter than you? I thought you wanted to move women UP the food chain. Hey! What are you doing still in High School?]

they're tryin to act so mature and they look like little hoes....

[Up in the Valley of the Jealous Green Giant....]

ok i need to stop.. i'm at work... really.... this is enough....

[You have no idea. But...look...at...the...bright...side. When...you're...unemployed, you'll...have...more...time...to...waste.]

One Liner:
Men are like toilet paper... take one, use it (shit all over it)

[How the fuck were YOU potty-trained? Sounds like the paper method. How do you wipe with only one square?]

, throw it away and grab another.... make sure you buy the rolls in nice big 14 packs....

[Because you're so full of shit.]










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