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Weak of the Week
The best of the worst Membership Applications

by JadeSyren

For the Week of August 12th, 2000

Email : notlefteye@crazysexycool.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I call many of my friends whores behind thier backs,

[And they are neither.]

I fuck a lot of men, and Im stuck up and concieted.

[I can tell you have good reason to be. Your application is execrable. And it's I before E EXCEPT after C, as a general rule of thumb.]

One Liner:
once a bitch always a bitch

[You'll have to tell me how this applies to you.]



UserID : Hot Bitch

[More fun to let her ID define her.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
everyone says so, and that many people can't be wrong can they?

[Why, of course not, my little lemming.]

I take no crap from anyone, I know exactly what I want, and I know exactly how I'm going to get it.

[Yeah, yeah, yeah.]

No one is going to stand in my way and to all those sad, pathetic, whiney losers out there I can only say two words: "shut it".

[Let them learn by example. Lead on.]

One Liner:
When someone calls me a bitch, I just smile and say "thank you".

[You're awfully worried about what other people say.]



Email : ravingtam@webtv.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
on accounnaa so many bitches...so few fathers

[Et Voil! Virtual Prozac.]

One Liner:
try this bitch on for size..succahh!

[You're not my color.]



Email : muahaha@certifiedbitches.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I am a heartless Bitch because I see the world around me as it really is. I know I must live in Hell, or why would I be surrounded by so many assholes?

[Because birds of a feather....]

Worst of all, I live with my "X", & haven't let him get any sex in over a year and a half now.

[Good thing I've got a splatter guard for my monitor. Stand on your own feet.]

One Liner:
All men are Assholes,

[No one is exempt from being an asshole. You've proven that here.]

All women are Bitches...

[Only the smart, savvy women. Women like you are simply certifiable.]

Some big, some small..... But at some time, we ALL are!

[Quite by accident, she speaks truth.]



Email : crackwhore@chickmail.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i have this insatiable desire to remove bogan goolies with pinking shears.

[I shudder to wonder what 'bogan goolies' could be.]

i resent men who have decided i am a lesbian because i can beat the shit

[I'm sure the lesbians resent you being associated with them as well.]

out of them. it is for this reason that i beat the shit out of them.

[Are you sure it's not because of those bogan goolies?]

i have a very small group of close friends who don't mind me accosting people at random for being shallow and sickeningly feminine or smarmy.

[Those would be called "accessories".]

One Liner:
i love to hate and live to hurt.

[You charmer!]



Email : Ivanttojoin@excite.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm unsympathetic to my friends, i tell them Franky how i feel.

[Is Franky your therapist?]

sometimes I'm seen as cruel, but thankfully, They've come to understand that it's me.

[You're just cruel, and in therapy. Do continue.]

I am emtionaly detached,

[If you know that you have a problem, you're halfway to cured.]

and don't care for feelings, more for thinking. I hate people who lie to get there way. And I'm a Virgin, and just because "EVERYONE IS DOING IT" or " I like doing that stuff with people i care about...and i care about you"

[Since you don't care for feelings, it's going to be hard to find a mate. You know, that's not as bad as it sounds.]

ain't going to change a thing.

[Evil personality landing in 5...4...3...2....]

SUCK IT and DIE!!! Rot in hell you ASSwhole!!!!

[There are a few words in life you are never allowed to misspell. One of those words is your name. Never misspell your own name. And never, ever, ever misspell cusswords.]

One Liner:
I just say SUCK IT down under...

[That's because you're usually at a loss for words and outwitted even in a stable.]



Email : youshouldseeherwebpage@aol.com

UserID : SeXyBiTcH

[It's all written like that, too.]

! My Quotes !
EAST TO THE SEA,
WEST TO THE LAND,
DEATH TO THE BITCH

iM a +h
i GoT ǣ姧
U MeSs WiTh []v[]e
iLL KiK uR 姧
So aLL u |=|
WhO tHiNk Ur JuSt ReMeMbEr::: +h (r)ܣ

THAT TOUCHES MY MAN.

[Oops.]

One Liner:
iM a +h
i GoT ǣ姧
U MeSs WiTh []v[]e
iLL KiK uR 姧
So aLL u |=|
WhO tHiNk Ur
JuSt ReMeMbEr::: +h (r)ܣ

[She didn't proofread this before she submitted it...twice.]



Email : onlyfoolingherself@gateway.net

UserID : Ms_Bitch

[...2U?]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I have several boyfriends I control (both in town and long distance relationships).

[One day you will figure out who is really in control. Hint: Ain't you.]

I enjoy dating as many men as I can handle.

[Some would call that a clientele.]

I make sure none of them become involved with any other women.

[Sure you do. I'll bet you think a wedding ring prevents cheating, too.]

I love feeling in complete control of a man.

[A girl's gotta dream.]

One Liner:
"Do it!!!"

[What, you work for Nike now?]



Email : peepee@gis.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
because 'bitch' stands for:
Babe
In
Total
Control of
Herself

[Another applicant that thinks cutting and pasting is original when you substitute a single word.]

and....it is fun to be a bitch!!!:-)

[How would you know?]

One Liner:
if you are going to be a bitch - do it right

[You are in a position that's unsuitable to give instructions.]



Email : bigstupid@adelphia.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Whoopin ass and spendin cash come naturally.

[Great, another wrestler.]

One Liner:
Life's a Bitch, and so am I.

[This one liner is better than Sominex.]



UserID : lolita

[Creepy.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm heartless because my lover (of the female distinction) took my heart away (spare me, it was recent),

[That's not what we meant by heartless.]

and I'm a bitch because (a bitch as a female dog) I work like one.

[Two for two. You really know how to miss a point.]

As far as giving people a piece of my mind, I'm working on it.

[Don't. There's precious little for yourself as it is.]

One Liner:
you lazy sonofawhore, hit it where it hurts so good, precious.

[It's not that you just don't get it, you just can't give it.]



Name: Robbi

[Actually short for Robert.]

UserID : IcePick

[What is his penis most often compared to?]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm a heartless bitch because I am convinced that the world is doomed to be over-run by boobs attached to a half witted blondes and men with permanent erections.

[Which is all our "Robbi" can think about.]

Despite this desolate future I refuse to cater to the bumbleing morons destined for failure.

[He's not just president of this club, he's a member.]

Its every bitch for herself and I don't give a damn who makes it as long as I maintian

[martian?]

an independent mind. Oh, and FUCK THE CREATORS OF "COYOTE UGLY"!SEXIST BASTARDS!

[I'm sure that Robbi thought that would get him points.]

One Liner:
Little girls can't fart because they dont get an asshole untill theyre married!

[Why would a little girl marry an asshole in the first place? Haven't you ever questioned the logic of proclaiming that men suck, then insisting that you marry/date/fuck one?]



Email : ditz@helios.edu

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
If having an opinion and expressing it makes me a bitch, then so be it. I'm sick to death of co-workers whining about problems but lacking the proverbial balls to do something about it.

[So far, so typical.]

And if one more person says "Oh, you're from New York" like that explains something, I swear to god I'm going to lose it.

[What will you do, except grumble under your breath about it?]

I'm lucky enough to have a husband who enjoys the person I am

[Who doesn't enjoy the little woman?]

and we just had a gorgeous baby girl. I was again branded as "such a bitch" because I begged family and friends to not deluge the poor child in pinks and pastels (YUCK!).

[Your ungrateful ass should have been satisfied to have them give gifts in the first place. Bitchery isn't in the choice to keep your daughter from wearing pink or pastels, it's in the decision to wear them or not. Pink no more makes you an Uberfemme any more than leather makes you a biker.]

I refuse to compete with the Suzy Homemakers whose home is completely color coordinated and there's not a thing out of place.

[That's what your new daughter is for.]

My house is a REAL home, with toys strewn from one end to the other and dishes that always seem to need washing.

[Did you have a life before motherhood? Aside from being a slob, I mean. Sounds like you're just using your baby to justify not cleaning.]

If that offends you, stay the hell home. I will no longer apologize for being myself, having a sarcastic sense of humor and (seemingly the biggest offender)a brain.

[Nah, you'll just apologize for your dirty house. "Sorry about the lids, but all the plates are in the sink."]

Since high school, whenever someone calls me a bitch, I simply smile and say "Thank you."

[You and everybody else that winds up here.]

One Liner:
Don't try to bullshit me simply because my bra size is higher than your I.Q.

[I've heard that pregnancy will do that to you.]



[Sometimes people just don't think. This isn't an application, but it's the weakest thing I've seen in a while.]

Hi, my name is [Doofus], and I sent an application for HBI about a month ago. I'm curious about why you didn't accept it.

[Because it sucked. Maybe it didn't suck rocks, or the big one, but it was still sucky.]

I checked on "Weak of the Week" to see if it was there, but it wasn't, so apparently in your opinion I am neither incredibly stupid nor incredibly smart. Not that your opinion counts for anything outside this web page.

[You couldn't just try again? You'd prefer to pout about it, and you still wonder why you didn't make the cut?]

So, what made you decide to reject my application? Did you think my ego was over-inflated?

[See the above reason. That's all it takes. However, since you can't understand why it sucks, we'll feature you in Why DOES Your Application Suck?]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I fear NOTHING.

[This wasn't bad.]

My motto is: Fear is for small minds.

[This would have worked better if you explained why you say this.]

I am a talented songwriter who will have all of you begging for my autograph (or my underwear if you're a pervert with a crush on me) in a few years.

[File this under: So fucking what.]

I used to believe in shit like true love, then I realized what a horrible psychic slavery "true love" is and got over it.

[This simply sounds like you've gotten out of a bad relationship, and with a stronger application, one that featured more of your own reasoning, it would possibly have worked.]

I'll fuck any asshole who's good-looking and good in bed.

[Why would you fuck an asshole? Don't you think you deserve something better? Your point is obviously one of serving your physical needs, but surely you could pick a better maintenance man. I won't let an asshole work on my car....]

Some of my friends think I am getting used and should wait for someone I love, but that is bullshit.

[Why mention your friends at all?]

Getting used is when you love someone and he/she betrays you. Getting laid with someone you don't love is good fun without emotional consequences.

[Good point.]

The main reason I am a bitch is because I say my opinions out loud, very loud, and they are generally too extreme for most people to handle.

[But...what...are...they?]

If you think I am conceited,

[Conceited had nothing to do with this. This is where you prove to me that you understood the site and have something to offer.]

listen to my music and read my poems, and you'll see that I have GOOD REASONS for thinking so highly of myself.

[You don't need GOOD REASONS to think highly of yourself. This part is about you, you, you and that makes you a PRINCESS, not a Bitch.]

One Liner:
"I am not going to stroke you as you have a hand and can do that yourself when you get the daily urge." --John Wayne Gacy

[Personal error - I don't respect serial killers, or the people that quote them for shock value.]

Hell, I've seen worse in your quotes from Exemplary Heartless Bitches. And it's true that you'll be hearing from me on the radio.

[Of all the things that was actually wrong with your application, your musical talent was never in question. I don't care about it one way or another. I'm not here to judge your musical potential, just your Bitch potential. Your first attempt was weak.
If you get THIS bent out of shape over something that you say "means nothing outside the web page", you are never going to make it in the music industry.]


Listen for a band called Dark Heart.

[If and when you make it big, you will not be called Dark Heart. It's not catchy.]

Was it the fact that my quote came from John Wayne Gacy?

[Not as much as you might think, but more than your songwriting skills.]

The guy was a total dickhead but that quote's a lot better than most of your "exemplary" ones.

[Telling someone to masturbate is hardly a novelty on that page.]

I thought you were less squeamish than that.

[So you admit it was for shock value. Score one for Jade.]

Is it that I talked about my ex, and how he turned me from a romantic into a cynic?

[You didn't really mention your ex, but I called that one, too. Score TWO for Jade.]

Actually, I think you may have just lost the application.

[Then why didn't you reapply, idiot?]

If you don't recognize any of the stuff above as from an application from somebody with the user ID DarkHeart, then e-mail me at dumbass@doofussucks.com saying that you lost it, and I'll send in a new one.

[The mountain comes not to Mohammed.]

If you do recognize the application and have rejected it, then e-mail me to tell me why.

[Subtlety is lost on you. It's best to simply assume it sucked (or that you didn't follow one of the rules of submission - like having a web-based e-mail address), and try again...or not.]

I won't send in another application because that would just be telling you what you want to hear.

[Do you not understand that once you are tossed in the loser section, no one thinks on you ever again? Do you think I name each turd before I flush? "Bye-bye, Doofus. Hope you apply again. Bombs away?" Don't be silly.]

If you don't e-mail me, I will correctly judge that you are too stupid to tell me why my application was rejected.

[You don't see a letter of acceptance, you don't see yourself on Weak of the Week and you can't figure out that you were rejected, so you call ME stupid. If you need this spelled out to you in such fine detail, don't bother reapplying, because you'll never pass the minimum intelligence requirement.]


 







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