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Weak of the Week
The best of the worst Membership Applications

by JadeSyren


For the Week of May 15th, 2000



Email : owhattahogg@msn.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
well it's like fuck the world why should i care about some fucked up post-adolesant Dawsons Creek reject.

[Like, you'll understand when you're older.]

looking after number one is such a cliche but no one else is going to save ur sorry ass if a bus is heading 4 u.

[How specific. Ironically, you'll have exact change.]

well fuck this site 4 using up 5 of my precious minutes.

[Agreed! Time better spent at the mall.]

One Liner:
if u can't handle hell don't play with the fucking devil and then expect an angel 2 appear.

[Which basically means that we shouldn't expect anything better from you any time soon.]



Email : Amy@ass.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
in every aspect of my life,everything has gotta be brutal

[Oh, in THAT case, I've got good news for you....]

One Liner:
If you smell what the rock is cookin'. I'm on my way ass-hole

[To what? Serve it to him?]



Email : candi-girl@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I always get what I want no matter the cost. If you come near my man beware because I don't put up with shit from sluts like that.

[So how else are you affording the "no matter the cost" life? You say that you don't have a job.]

There are too many stupid people in the world and we need to weed all of them out, just take the warning labels off everything.

[Obligatory rebuttal #35: It doesn't work, you're still here.]

One Liner:
Lets get rid of all the stupid assholes in the world by taking the warning labels off everything.

[The obvious hole in your plan is that stupid people can't/don't read already.]

[Bonus fun] Member Name: [candi-girl]
Location: [deleted]
Sex: Female
Marital Status: happy and in a relationship
Hobbies: hanging out w/ boyfriend ([El-Dorko]) & friends, computers, dancing, listening to music (BEASTIE BOYS, madonna, 80's music, anything with a good beat you can dance to!)
Computers: all the time everyday
Occupation: need to get a job ( I am broke!!)
Personal Quote: Life only gives you things it knows you can handle. It may not seem like it at first, but you can handle anything life gives you. Oh-and by the way...... I LOVE [El-Dorko]! Find someone to love and love you back, life is better that way.

[Anticipated response: I am jealous of her love for El-Dorko.]



Email : birdbrain@Mindspring.com

UserID : bitchface

[*yawn*]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
...if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem, and I want to make a change.

[Got a specific direction, or were you going to wander aimlessly, town to town, like so many TV superheroes?]

One Liner:
(kind of dirty...sorry) Do you know the difference between eating pussy and a hamburger?
"NO"
Lunch is on me...

[Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird. It's a plane. No, it's Sex Education Girl! Faster than a premature ejaculation, and she comes with free lunch.]



Email : sxytwit16@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
guys are all dicks! they are all fuckin stuck on themselves and dont give a shit about anything except getting some ass!!

[You just got played, didn't you.]

they can all go to hell. fuck them

[A little more about YOU next time.]

One Liner:
Are u talking?

[Weren't you listening?]



Email : Aguilera's#1fan@digitas.com

UserID : dilly

[This comes with an intro.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
and I wake up crying because it's only a dream.

[Ooh. I HATE walking into a movie that's already started.]

it actually cracks me up when people presume that I am jealous of this moronic, bogus drama queen.

[Well, given ample opportunity you HAVE been talking solely about HER....]

Oh yes, I admit that it has always been my life-long dream to allow a bunch of sick-fuck, middle-aged, limp-dicked men to mold me into a "Teen Sensation" (read: soft-core porn-star) and subsequently shake my surgically-enhanced tits and ass in a pathetic, vainglorious attempt to disguise my rampant and omnipresent insecurity!

[I think you use words like 'vainglorious' when you rant about a teen pop-idol to disguise your rampant insecurity.]

bring it on! what-the-fuck-ever. As if any of these pre-pubescent, shit-for-brains, Lolita-wannabes have anything to offer the world besides spank-material for the masses of slaves-to-the-almighty-hard-on.

[Come now, anyone that can use vainglorious in a sentence ought to know that talent seldom has anything to do with stardom. The keyword is MARKETABILITY. She has TONS of that.]

I'll happily enlighten you Christina with what THIS girl wants and needs: to open a fucking can of whomp-ass on your bottle-blonde head and watch you cry all of that mascara off!

[Don't you talk about anything else? Like I want to dredge through even MORE of Christina Aguilera dreck.]

One Liner:
I keep having this recurring dream about breaking Christina Aguilera's nose...

[I'm sure you have something better to do with your time than waste any more of it on her.]


[Due to the planets all aligning in the House of Taurus* this past week, the lameness has been extraordinary. While doomsayers predicted earthquakes and tidal waves, and general "Wrath of God" type stuff, we didn't get that. We DID get...Poetry Corner.]

[*Don't believe me? Startling proof]


[I bring you an all new low selection of pain-inducing applicants. Enjoy.]

Email : bluebird@idiota.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I DO NOT LET ANYONE PUT ME DOWN , aspecially not wimps who cant accept when a strong women stands up for her self!!

One Liner:
This is my cloud and i´m proud...so take a hike or else i´ll strike

[To paraphrase: Hey, you! Get Offa my Cloud.]



[The pain isn't over yet.]

Email : amazon_rage@prisonrhyme.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I refuse to be nice to anyone i've just met.
With me there is no 'get

[Although this wouldn't be bad, it's not part of her poem. Sorry.]

to know someone before you judge' you piss me off i will squash you like a bug
You have to win my respect if you want me to like you.
Sexist, racist and generalization, will render you incapable of producing offspring, whether they maybe male or female.

[How? Bigots of any type still breed.]

One Liner:
I'm a bitch, but i have class
Fuck with me and i'm kick your sorry ass.

[In a singularly non-threatening way, this poem illustrates what I love best about the average applicant. Note the "but I have class" which belies her "Bitch as an insult mentality". I'm especially fond of the "i'm kick your sorry ass" portion. You just can't fake this kind of ineptitude.]



Email : completesucker@coolemail.com

UserID : SuchABitch

[Convincing.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
One Liner:
Im a bitch and i have class
Fuck me with and ill kick your ass

[No points for originality here.]

So all you hoes who think your cool
Just remember Bitches like ME rule!!

[And the second try.]

Name: SuchABitch

Email : completesucker@aol.com

UserID : Bitch4EVAA

[Graffiti-like in its charm and insistance.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I will kick all you fagotts little asses cause i have the right to... im 49% Woman and 51%BITCH

[She imagined that this would help her gain admittance.]

One Liner:
Im a bitch and i have class
Fuck with me and ill kick your ass
So all you hoes who think your cool
Just remember bitches like ME rule!!!!

[I will be more than glad when the planets shift and the evil influence of "The Horrifyingly Bad Poetry Conjunction" is over. Earthquakes would have to be better.]



Email : featherhead@peoplepc.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

[Sound of pin dropping.]

One Liner:
your breakin my heart! ( in low drawn out voice)

[As if the tone would make a difference. Said in a high, squeaky voice, this application would still stink.]



Email : toottootheybeepbeep@webtv.net

UserID: QueenB

[It is to laugh.]

URL : I don't think so

[Got any idea how you might know?]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

Because it feels good to be bitchy! My mother told me that ifa person doesn't trust people they can't be trusted-- well I don't trust anyone!

[Would that be an X-File "trust no one" thing, or your run-of-the-mill paranoid schizophrenic thing?]

Everyone in my class tremmbles in fear when I come a-walking by-- because they know I'm the queen B-- B is for BITCH!

[I'm going with the latter.]

One Liner:

I'm the Queen B-- and B stands for BITCH!

[I'll bet she uses her NAME for her password too.]



Email : retch-j@somecollege.edu

UserID : password

[Speaking of passwords....]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Im a Heartless Bitch because even if I am Put in the weak of the week

[Have we seen you before? Surely you aren't the "CAPSLOCK" Queen with the userID of "password", are ya? I don't "put" applicants in Weak of the Week, they have to earn that dubious honor. I get lame applications all the time, but only the worst are seen here.]

at least I can spell. Your link to Sir Loseralot made me the first person to be rejected from the guestbookDont have one

[Don't have one what? Clue? Guestbook? Prayer?]

One Liner:
Dont have one

[This isn't as cryptic as it is incomplete and lame.]



Email : waytogostarz@prodigy.net

UserID : StarrZ

[I never would have guessed that.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I call MAN EATERS what they really are in chat.

[You think our standards are this low? What do any of us care what you do in a chat room?]

I will not sit by and watch a supposed woman hit on evey man who enters the room and proclaims to be single.

[Because they are supposed to save some for you?]

I call them as they are life sucking,man leaching, desperate bottom dwellers.

["Get a Life" would be too cliché.]

Every guy in the rooms gets all bent for my saying so not to mention their supposed man sucking girlfriends that stand up for them. I enjoy taking them down to the pitiful creatures that they are. I am very heartless to all women who have no legs to hold their ownselves up.I am very proud to tell a MAN EATER to get a real life

[Classic! Imagine if you will someone in a chatpit telling others to get a life.]

and stop being such a leach.

One Liner:
Oh look more bait for the bottom dwelling MAN EATERS. If you have any sence at all you will keep your fingers off the keyboard and save yourself now.

[Save yourselves from an onslaught of misguided emotion and an assortment of misspelled words.]



Email : myworldturnskookyblue@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
"If I wanna be mean , I will be mean ...know why ? ..coz I'm boss and u probably deserve it" my adopted life motto.

[When she watches her life flash before her eyes, it takes all of 15 minutes.]

One Liner:
I would fuck u but then again I have this thing called ...self respect

[Where'd you leave it? You didn't have it with you when you submitted this.]



Email : putrid@1starnet.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i super glued my cheating ex husbands dick to his leg and laughed when he got up..

[Forget that I don't believe you, why would this be funny?]

whining,packed all my belongings in my car and took of moved to another

[What did you mean to say before whining? This sentence doesn't follow logically. I mean more so than normal.]

state,work 2 jobs and have no pitty for a woman without kids who is able to work but choose to "chooses" to live on alimony.i

[I don't think she wants your pity, she'd just like her check, please.]

tip my hat for any woman who gets out of an abusive relationship..rolls up her sleeves and shows herself that we dont need a guy to pay the bills...

[Mighty ironic from the KrazyGlue queen.]

One Liner:
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator

[I think "Penis-gluer" would have been funnier.]



Email : Thrwingmissdaisy@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
How do I feel? I feel like I just had an abortion.

[This is unfunny on so many levels.]

One Liner:
YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A SPEEDBUMP.

[In a hazy, smoke-filled room, a heckler is weeping.]



Email : XXkickAzzbich@loser.com

UserID : missypooh

[Meggiepoo's sister.]

URL : don't know ???

[Survey says that you don't.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I chew up men and spit them out, and that's just breakfast !!

[A nutritious diet for every growing girl. Chewed-up and spit-out men for breakfast, followed by iron-rich nails for lunch. Dinner is either a wonderful entrée featuring your bitter liver, or possibly eating out your own heart.]

One Liner:
Don't worry sweety.....I'll call you okay ? LOL

[She comes with a laugh track.]



Email : whiskeyann@vodka.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
my PMS is/was so bad my husband told me to go to the doctor.

[Whiskeyann always does as she is told.]

She asked me if I was moody and bitchy all the time or just around that time of the month. I told her all the time she put me on prozac.

[This story was the best you had to offer? Being medicated?]

One Liner:
I'm not a broad. I'm a bitch!

[That's just your delusions of grandeur talking.]



Email : lameryajedi@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I have been with my current boyfriend on and off for 2 years, more or less. It's a long distance relationship and we've broken up twice because I had an "oppertunity" here I wanted to check out.

[You met a new online friend?]

I've told my mother I don't need her in life, and that she was a horrible mother growing up.

[Then you eat her food, sleep under her roof, don't pay rent and complain about how she keeps you on a short leash.]

I make rude, mean comments to friends at inappropiate times. I like to call one of my friends a nympho in front of people she doesn't want knowing.

[Beside yourself with jealousy.]

I mention another friend's first time (in the back of a jeep cherokee with a guy who never called her again) as much as often, just to piss her off.

[Your mother must pay these kids a tremendous amount to be your 'friend'.]

I lost my virginity to a guy who thought he was playing me...but in reality I played him, after a week I told him I wouldn't sleep with him anymore and informed him if he ever told anyone I slept with him I would do some permament damage...needless to say he never told a soul.

[Trust me, the threat of your 'permanent damage' isn't what is keeping him silent about sleeping with you.]

I frequently tell this kid Sean that he is "wrong." It doesn't matter what he is talking about, he will always be wrong. He's fat, lazy and stupid, and will never ever be right.

[Yawn. Please belittle him for his choice of friends and companions.]

I frequently push people who walk slow in front of me in crowded places, and as I pass I'll complain at loud levels about "stupid ignorant people who are rude and walk slow."

[How much more proof do you need that you're inconsequential? That in the grand scheme of things, you're as annoying as lint? It's why you're not typing this from a hospital room.]

In general I have a bitchy attitude towards everyone, including strangers. I'm sometimes even worse to my friends. I don't care what people think about me because in order for some shit to get done you have to be a bitch.

[Get WHAT shit done? All I see is the standard "world revolves around me" teen angst.]

"Sometimes, being a bitch is all a woman has to hold on to."-Dolores Claiborne

[It's what you ALL say.]

One Liner:
"If it's a good idea . . . go ahead and do it. It is much easier to apologize than it is to get permission." --Grace M. Hopper

[Motto of the characterless and shallow.]



Email : imabitch@whatever.com

[No, you're not.]

UserID : poop

[Yes, you are.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I go out with tons of guys who think I commit to just them,

[No, they think you should be committed. There's a difference.]

I use men for what they can give me.I hit on my girlfriends men right in front of them.I lie to right to guys faces.

[How else can you lie to someone?]

I fool around with all My old boyfriend's girlfriends & sleep with them.I pulled My sister's tampon out of her pussy when the string was hanging out of her shorts. I

[Ick.]

stole my 5 year old sister's bike and left it at my old boyfriends house for a year.I cock tease all men! In short I'M THEQUEEN BITCH!!!

[I'm thinking if I had your real address, I could get you the treatment you so richly deserve and are in such dire need of.]

One Liner:
"Do you like my new perfume? It's called GET THE FUCK OTTA MY FACE!"

[I can't imagine that having people hang around you is one of your many problems. I'll bet they couldn't move any faster if I greased the pavement and strapped rocket-powered bananas to their feet.]



Email : hereshegoesagain@webtv.net

[Completely different ISP. Probably one for every personality.]

UserID : [Contains:] poop

[Packaging done by weight, not volume.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

[And it's the same old crap.]

I go out with tons of guys who think I commit to just them, I use men for what they can give me.I hit on my girlfriends men right in front of them.I lie to right to guys faces. I fool around with all My old boyfriend's girlfriends & sleep with them.I pulled My sister's tampon out of her pussy when the string was hanging out of her shorts. I stole my 5 year old sister's bike and left it at my old boyfriends house for a year.I cock tease all men! In short I'M THEQUEEN BITCH!!!

One Liner:
"Do you like my new perfume? It's called GET THE FUCK OTTA MY FACE!"

[Too bad you didn't correct the typos.]



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