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1999-2001
Weak of the Week
The best of the worst M ship Applications

For the Week of October 23, 2004
edited by Jadesyren



Name: Lesley

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I had my eyes opened this week and my perception of the male of the species altered. I always gave people the benefit of the doubt, not any more, prove yourself buddy, but you want to be fucking good to change my mind.

[That's just silly. It's not right to judge all men by the few you've known. If I thought like you, all the applicants would be in Weak of the Week.]

My ex-husband the Father of my beautiful children shall now only be referred to as the Donor. Basically that is all he did, donate sperm,

[He also married you. Not many "donors" actually do that.]

yeah wham bam thank you Mam, nothing for me it was all about worshiping at the High Altar of the Penis,

[That's your fault, you know. Speak up and ask for what you need.]

not anymore Ladies, any man in my life from now on will have to worship at the High Altar of the Clitoris. Well I got wise to him and couldn't put up with his shit any longer and finally got the balls to end our marriage.

[Great. Let's move on.]

Things progressed nicely, he proved himself to be the shit he always was but up until then nothing major had been witnessed by his family and they thought of me as the Uber Bitch that broke up a wonderful marriage.

[I had a feeling that we wouldn't get past the ex.]

I went for my annual visit to my Gynaecologist, excellent, but could the day get any worse, oh yeah it could.

[Lemme guess...cold speculum? No, wait...questionable pap smear, right? Nothing like a little brush with the possibility of cancer to upset your day.]

Whilst

[I fucking hate this word. Why? These authors use it in a false attempt to sound blase and nonchalant, when in fact, they are the opposite.]

sitting in the waiting room readoing the year old copy of Vogue, I heard a familiar voice, that of my ex-husband,

[This is like that fake-ass "reality TV pause." We KNEW who it was.]

and sitting beside him was a woman quite visibly pregnant. I said "Hello". He nearly pissed his pants. He replied "Hi how are you, what are you doing here?"

[What a dumb question. Hope you told him that you were there to rotate your tires.]

The Gynae also does Obstetrics,

[Hence the OB part, or the GYN part. Whichever. He was probably praying that you weren't pregnant, too.]

I replied "Fine and congratulations." The woman sitting beside him was rubbing her belly and smiling at me. This man has made no effort to see his children for the past two months. Can I also add we are not yet divorced.

[Didn't you say that you ENDED the marriage? What does that mean, now, if you're not divorced? Instead of this strong woman you want to convince me you are, you're bitter and jealous. I can't blame you. I'd be pissed if I'd wasted time with this kind of man, too. Stop trying to convince me that you're at some place in your life which you clearly are not.]

The Gyneacologist then walked into the waiting room and announced me as the next patient. The girlfriend looked at me again and smiled and said "How do you know Paul?" to which I replied "I am his Wife." I walked out of the room to a whisper of voices and the gasps of my ex's girlfriend.

[I suppose that you can't find it in your heart to spare her a little sympathy. It doesn't sound like she knew that you existed at all. She probably thought she had a guy who was at least single, and instead she finds out that she's carrying his baby, and he's still married. That's got to be tough to realize. It's not like she even deserved that. She's not the FIRST person who fell prey to his lies, right?]

Oh and I phoned his Mother when I got home,

[You told on him? You big strong woman you, and all you can think to do is snitch?]

she didn't know he even had a girlfriend. I have also published an announcement in the local paper in the congratulations section.

[I think the only REAL way to say congratulations here is with divorce papers. No, instead you bring on the drama. Sad. You took food out of your babies' mouths to take out a stupid ass ad instead of hiring an attorney?]

What really bothers me is he brought his girlfriend to my Ob/Gynae, the person who delivered our children. The Fucker. There are plenty of Obstetricians in town, why bring her to mine?

[Looks like he didn't care enough about you to know what doctors you see. As you say, this is a man who doesn't spend time with his children. How is he going to remember that you see this doctor? I bet you think he did this on purpose. I'll even go so far as to bet that you think he still cares about you, since he deliberately brought his girlfriend to your Ob-Gyn.]

And that is not the end of it I am planning further revenge.

[No, for women like you, it NEVER fucking ends. Just like this application.]

One Liner:
See these earrings they aren't earrings they are my ex-husbands balls.

[Funny how you didn't refer to yourself as an ex-wife in the doctor's office.]



Name: Jessica

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
...I am (period).

[Ooh. Now, THAT'S original.]

(Besides, if I weren't I'd be an ignorant man.)

[You'd be ignorant, no matter the gender.]

One Liner:
I've learned that in order to get anything done (well) it is necessary for me to be a bitch.

[You expect me to believe that you've learned?]



Name: Leah

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I told the Mofo

[I love this petname. Beats Schmookie poo.]

that I wasn't taking anymore crap and packed my bags and left and never looked back. I've never been happier.

[Good. It's not Heartless Bitch material, but it's a good thing.]

One Liner:
Laugh now Mofo I stole your car.

[See, you had to fuck up a perfectly good proclamation. What about stealing the car makes you proud of yourself? Even worse, what about this made you think that it would be something that I would accept?]



Name: Leah

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
After 3 years of emotional abuse I got out.

[I guess she figured that short and flippant wasn't the way to go.]

Even though I live 3000 miles away from family and friends. I moved out on my own. I told him to keep his money and his car

[You SAID keep the car, but you stole it. Worse and worse.]

and get the fuck out of my life. He came crawling back begging for a second chance. I said "Mofo you have 3 seconds to get off of my steps before I call the police"

[What the fuck is up with this "Mofo" shit? If you're going to drop the MF word, go for the gusto. Go ahead and type the whole thing.]

Then I called them anyway to enfore the restraining order

[You had a restraining order, and you bothered talking to him? If I went so far as to get a restraining order, I'd call the police and never bother to ask him what he wanted or tell him to leave. This is the purpose of a restraining order. People like you are the reason police are so non-responsive with domestic issues.]

and oops look who got arrested. Ha Ha Ha! I don't take crap.

[Sure, you did. You just don't like to admit it.]

I am too smart and strong to settle for less than I deserve ever again. I was 21 when I married him and 24 when divorcing him. So here at less than 25 I have learned never again to settle for Mr. Emotionally Abusive Let Me Devour Your Soul ever again. I'll never look to a man for happiness ever again. Damn it I am beautiful and happy coming home to nothing to the beautiful sound of peace.

[At this point I'd like to say that while I am glad that so many of you are leaving bad and abusive relationships, that you are healing what is broken within yourself and trying to go on with your lives, or you are waking up for the first time in your life to the fact that you are a person deserving of the best that life has to offer, it is not going to be something that gets you accepted into Heartless Bitches International. I know that we have a great deal of "Wake the Fuck UP already" articles, but they are mainly written so that someone somewhere might realize that whatever is fucked up in his or her life is not a matter of their personal perception or a figment of their imagination, but is, in fact, well and truly fucked up. It is not meant to get you into the forum. We're not a support group, and most of us find this stage of your development personally annoying. We know it's a growth process, and we commend anyone for improving their lives, particularly in this way, it's just that all that self-awareness is selfish, boring, and not condusive to conversation. Come visit us when you're a well, whole, healed person. NOT BEFORE.]

One Liner:
If you are looking for someone to replace your screwed up relationship with your mama you've come to the wrong place. Buh Bye!

[Ditto.]



Name: Tasha

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I express my oppinions very loudly and agressively. I have no tolerance for idiotic assholes who think that they know what they are talking about. When in reality they do not. It really gets to me when people tell me to shut up because they feel that my oppinion isn't important. I just get louder and more rude about it.

[I'm sure that convinces them of their formerly incorrect opinion.]

I am told frequently that I am obnoxious and too loud. Also the way I dress is a problem for most people.

[The older you get, the more you'll realize that this isn't true.]

My "style" is a mixture of Gothic and Punk...and just me.

[Humorously, style is in quotes. That amuses me.]

I live in what the rest of america calls the Bible Belt

[I think that almost everyone claims that they live in the Bible Belt. I used to think of the Bible Belt as a slim, almost fashionable little belt that fit across the slim hips of our country. Now, I have come to realize that it's a big-ass weightlifting jobbie. Either that, or one of those World-Class Wrestling champion title belts.]

and I cannot stand the idiotic bible beating christians who feel that they should convert everyone and we should follow blindly behind a man who in my oppinion isn't real.

[You're right. This isn't real. You are in danger of being as intolerant and stereotypical of these Christians as you claim they are of you. I live in the Bible Belt, too, and I used to think this way as well. That is, until I started forcing the issue. I tried being an "in-your-face, out-of-the-broom-closet witch," and I realized that no one really gave a fuck but me. Sad, but true. Sure, they'd like you to join them. It's one of their tenets, and some of them are annoying about it, but no group of people is immune to annoying members.]

I believe that there is a God, whether it is man or woman I do not know. But I am aware that if he/she knew what christains where making him/her out they would be pissed off.

[Naw, just wishing fervently that they would hurry and grow up.]

One Liner:
I am who I am, whether others like it or not, and I'm a real "bitch" about it.

[When you put a word in quotes like this, what does that word mean?]



Name: Hannah

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Im a heartless bitch cos i am. there aint really much more. I lost my heart to some devil dude

[I am the Radiskull, and I will kill you one by...ONE BY ONE. Wait, you didn't say Devil DOLL?]

and i ripppe dit out and shoved it wilfullly at my ex boyfriend- the bastard.

[Now I know that I play too many video games. All I can think about is the scene from "Grim Fandango" where Glottis tells Grim that not being able to drive is like them ripping out his heart and throwing it away, which he does. Glottis passes out, and Grim has to go and get his heart back from some nasty bat-spider things. Wait, what where you talking about?]

and ima bitch cos I speak my mind, im smart and I can handle anyone and almost anything.

[I'd agree with you, except that you claim to have ripped out your own heart.]

One Liner:
Keeep staring at me, I might do a trick. or even bettter, I might set the bitch on you...me.

[It's like poking a caged animal with a stick, isn't it?]







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