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1999-2001
Weak of the Week
The best of the worst M ship Applications

For the Week of September 22, 2004
edited by Jadesyren



Name: sillycow

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I have a huge fat arse, saggy tits and a moron way of speaking. My friends all hate me and I eat constantly. My breath smells of shite and I think I look like a princess.

One Liner:
I have nothing better to do than be a right slapper all the time.

[So...which set of rejects would I find your first application in?]



Name: Barbara

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
oh, please -- I'm perfect for this. If you can't tell that without a testimonial, it is your loss!

[If you can't give a testimonial, we're not the losers in this one.]

I've even managed to form a group of gay men who worship the ground I walk on. They named the group Barb's Bitches and live by the motto: If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. I, of course, am mama.

[On second thought, you had a BETTER chance without this example. It's not a motto, it's a CLICHE.]

One Liner:
see above motto

[You should have had one of your gay men submit this for you.]



Name: denise

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I think the male populatin sould be seen and not heard due to the fact that most of the crap that they spit outa their mouths is as stupid as they think women are.

[You are proving that presumption correct.]

and with the 50 cent

[G-G-G-G-G-G-G-unit!]

male mentality they already posess we are all doomed to mindless drivel.I state this with some authority due

[I only DREAM of making up something THIS classic!]

to raising 4 husbands

[You're not really RAISING the husbands, and furthermore, I find it insulting that you joke like this. If your husband is childish, you shouldn't have married him. I have always despised this sentiment among wives that their husbands are their OTHER child. You whine and moan when he refers to you in a disrespectful way, first of all, but besides that, it better reflects on your poor taste and judgment.]

and 5 kids while holding a job as a bartender.

[You think that you're seeing a true reflection of society at the bar?]

One Liner:
give um a doghouse,a raw piece o meat,a playboy and they will be content for hours.

[Give you something to bitch about, and you marry it.]



Name: BLOUNT

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
JUST A "MAN" ..FUCK WHAT DO YOU WANT!! A GODDAM ESSAY!!

[Complete sentences, maybe?]

One Liner:
SHED SOME HOPE.

[Hope don't live here anymore.]



Name: Allison1973

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
NO! There is NO escape in here! (Who's the lucky one?) Eenie, Meenie, Minie, Moe, catch a redneck by the toe! If he hollers, let him go! My momma told me to pick the best one and...YOU ARE IT!! [courtesy of Juliette Lewis and Woody Harrelson in NATURAL BORN KILLERS].

[This was PRECISELY the best way to open your application.]

..FIRST OFF, I GET WAY MORE REACTION THAN ANYONE ON HERE. I DO have the SEXIEST VOICE. I once got paid for it.

[Ugh. The LAST thing I need is another drama queen chiselling her way in here.]

After he heard my voice, this beautiful gay guy started telling me that he wants me to marry him--IT IS THAT GOOD. You're perfect, yes, it's true--but without ME, you're only you--FNM. As well, I have a memory deficit from a closed-head injury I once had;

[Oh, that explains it, then.]

what does that mean? That means I ALWAYS forget the name--I have to talk to you several times before I can even attempt to remember it. This is not personal, it has nothing to do with you--it's just the way things are.

[You don't need to explain. Really, a closed head injury says it all.]

I will NOT answer BLOCKED phone numbers, and only Dumbass #1(6'4", the 2nd sexiest male voice in the world) or Dumbass #2(6'6", he will be taking me to get my first tattoo) can call me between 11:00 PM EST AND 9:00 AM EST- -NOBODY ELSE.

[It distresses me to see that your phone is so busy. I've always loathed the guys who take advantage of the disabled.]

If you do so anyway, when you get drunk and horny, KNOW that I have Caller ID, and I will make extra sure never to answer any of your further ca__s. And if you keep on cal_ing ANYWAY, I will put your number on SELECTIVE CALL REJECTION--stop it, boys, I am NOT your sex machine.

[Why would you bleep "call"? How do you manage to remember their phone numbers?]

As well, I've dated more models, strippers, actors and singers than I can count-

[Well, how far CAN you count, really?]

-on here, and in real life; before you go anywhere with me, know that you are not special. The most beautiful men in this world are not models, strippers, actors, or singers

[On here? The internet you mean? We're all strippers and actors here. It's probably not even different guys. It's probably the same sick fucker in many disguises. "I'm not Bob, I'm ROB." I love brain injuries.]

--two of them are my doctors,

[It's not uncommon to have attractions for your doctors.]

one of them is a boy from Mexico, and two of them are both computer engineers in Ohio. Four of the five are older than me. Guys who are too emotional, romantic, and possessive set me off--LIFE IS TOO SHORT. NO OLD MEN, NO ONE WITHOUT PICS, NO ONE THAT IS TOO FAR AWAY, AND NO ONE WHO CANNOT SPEAK STRAIGHT ENGLISH! NO, NO, NO!!! My little sister thinks I am very naive--which is TRUE--and that someone will harm me. Is she right?

[She's right. You should listen to her.]

Will you do that to me?

[Only in the way you need most. It's a reality check. Head wound or no, there is no excuse for this.]

One thing that really has ticked a few of you off is that I talk about sex too much--I talk about what has happened to me, and not explicitly about sex--and that they've noticed I am a spoiled brat. Those things cannot and will not change. Any of you guys have real snakes? I love to play with them.

[You talk to much in general.]

When I went to my psychiatrist three months ago, he said that I was immature. I told him that the head injury I had at 19 was responsible for that. Then he said that he had a daughter who was 19. He said I had regressed from even that. Not fair. So, there you have it. I am an immature spoiled brat who spends most of her time with guys she meets in real life and online.

[And you take no responsibility for your behavior.]

Much of that time is spent with Some Dude, the married guy and he's been seeing me since December of 2002; 21 year-old Other Dude, who lives in one of these apartments; Just a Dude, the Marine --the one I will be swinging with. This may mean I am too much for you.

[I'm just bemusing how much there is of you to go around.]

Everybody else places the most importance on LOVE, POWER and/or MONEY. I may be the only one to appreciate this, but what I value most is LACK OF RESPONSIBILITY.

[Your lack, or the lack of those around you?]

You have NO idea what this is, but it is what keeps me manic, and NEVER depressed.

[Stability. That keeps ME out of depression.]

I LOVE IT! NO STRESS! I am not speaking of sexual irresponsibility-that is the ONLY thing I am resposible about.

[Really? You're not manic over a lack of responsibility. This is the one part of your long-winded story filled with far too much information that doesn't hold water. It's hard to believe that someone who prides herself on having every disorder known to science insists on sexual responsibility. ]

Even when I was on the birth control shot, he always had to, and still has to, wear a condom.

[In your case, I'd be strongly in favor of court-mandated birth control. I remember a time when being a complete idiot was all the birth control you needed since no one would fuck with you, but times certainly have a-changed since then.]

I rarely do vaginal intercourse. There are other, much safer ways. No one is worth dying for.

[What do you care? You're all about a lack of responsibility. I'm going to close the door you opened to ass-fucking. It's in the boundary box.]

It is all in what I decide, which is WHY I MUST HAVE COMPLETE CONTROL. Before we go any further,

[No, don't go further. This is a great place to end.]

let me say that though I loathe most sports [with the exception of auto racing, tennis and figure skating], I do love Billiards. There is *nothing* like hitting hard balls with BIG sticks!

[Why don't you like golf?]

..."Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts."...

[Where did that come from?]

The next two lyrics are from LORDS OF ACID, off of their debut album, Lust, which came out the year I graduated high school, back in 1991: "When I think about Love . . . I think about Pure Sex, Deep Sex, Hard Sex, Rough Sex" and "Sit on your face . . . I wanna sit on your face."

[I don't think you'll EVER really leave high school.]

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." [Even better if there are SIX--ME and FIVE CONSTRUCTION WORKERS (they do bear the finest asses)]

[And they show them to you. *shudder*]

Yes, that means five at the same time...Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of *another*

[Isn't THAT downright creepy.]

...Guess who this comes from--if you get it right, everything will go easier for you:

[Like shooting fish in a barrel. First of all, you have nothing to offer me. What could go easy or hard for me? You've already wasted a good portion of my time with this ridiculous application. Not to mention the fact that I could always google this quote and find who said it if I didn't know. Finally, how do I know that you actually ascribe this quote to the originator, and not someone who is quoting that person? Nevermind. That really has no bearing on anything else at this point, much like your application.]

"i want to know everything/i want to be everywhere/i want to f___ everyone in the world/i want to do something that matters." They also sang:"i want you to make me/i want you to take me/i want you to break me/and i want you to throw me away"

[Save me from people who quote lyrics.]

Preferable are Latinos; reason? They have no hair on their backs; CONSTRUCTION WORKERS; auto mechanics; MILITARY; tall guys [the taller the guy, the bigger the...]. I prefer DARK HAIR and DARK EYES.

[What am I? One-stop hoochie shopping? You aren't placing an order here.]

WHAT I DON'T WANT--guys with NO pictures and guys who are TOO OLD. Shoot, I've been kicked off of AFF, Swingersboard, several other sites--I can't remember them.

[And you haven't been accepted to Heartless Bitches International. Add THAT to your list.]

WHERE PROSPECT IS A SCAM. Anyway, I've found that dating websites are just like boys

[*Guffaw* We're not a dating website.]

--for every one dating website/boy that falls away, there are at least 30 to replace them. Two things to know: #1--I had a closed-head injury from the head-on collision with a logging truck twelve years ago-- it did not mess me up cosmetically,

[Unless you think intellect is attractive.]

and with the head injury come IMMATURITY, NYMPHOMANIA and TOTAL DESENSITIVITY,

[Bummer. An urge to fuck and no nerve endings.]

and #2--I AM the girl that guys always say they do not want to be "a psycho" or "with any problems"; that has yet to stop me from getting them ALL

[At least that's how you see things.]

--BUT I KNOW WHAT MY PROBLEM IS, AND I AM ON THE RIGHT MEDICATION FOR IT; WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE?

[Up the dosage.]

What does all this mean? Two of the disorders are OCD and ADHD, so I am COMPULSIVE, Hyperactive, easily excitable, EASILY BORED, knowing what I WANT and not stopping until I get it...

[I can't believe that you're proud of these problems.]

One Liner:
You're prefect,

[I'm no prefect.]

yes, it's true--but without ME, you're only you.

[And oh, how I prefer the "without YOU" portion.]



Name: baby

[Nobody puts baby in the corner.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
laughed during my granny's funeral

[So did I. Different reasons, though, I expect. My grandmother's death is not funny. People generally are. Funerals have a lot of potential to be funny in an ironic way.]

not afraid to speak my mind

[In short, incomplete sentences.]

i was born a BITCH ,IT'S IN MY NATURE

[I'm sorry, the last application sucked away my will to live.]

One Liner:
fuck you bitches.i dont need yall to assure me that i am a bitch

[That's good news. Rejection won't crush you. No, REALITY, that's what's crushing your skull like it's in a vacuum.]



Name: Topher

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Well, i hate bitchy whiney girly girls. And one good example of this is a cow called some girl, complete with town and country listed - she was after my best friend's guy, and she persuaded the guy to dump my friend, then

[No one is that good. If he dumped her, he wanted to do it. Face it.]

promptly got in his pants. WHAT A BITCH ! I'm telling you, she's such a hoe, she's so permanent on her street corner, she's a human fucking bollard....

[What's wrong with you? Why blame ONLY her? It's not like she raped the guy.]

If she was drowning, i would NOT throw her a lifejacket or any other life-saving equipment. No, instead i would throw stones at her (10 points for the body, 100 points for the head) and stand there pissing myself laughing while she screamed.

[One of the problems with the young is a tendency to exaggerate.]

I also hate girls who bitch ABOUT a person, and not to his/her face..how two-faced can you get ?

[I'm curious to know what you said to this girl.]

Oh yeah, i hate guys who sleep with you and then ignore you the next time the see you,

[Learn how to pick them.]

and every time after that....infact..I'm probably just a heartless bitch because it's a genetic defect running through the X chromosomes in my family. But hey, what can you do, eh ?

[I know what I'd like to do. I'd like to nerve gas your family tree from orbit.]

One Liner:
Bitch ~ complain bitterly ; speak spitefully to or about a person. Hmm, well i did just write that last paragraph...*shrugs shoulders*.

[And dead wrong. I guess you'll blame that on genetics, too.]



Name: Paavo

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Because I`m a male tired of women being teached to be sugarcone princesses in the Western world. And I kinda agreed to every sentiment in your homepage "checklist"

[99 and a half and a half won't do.]

One Liner:
I`m foreign. I do not know of you American fucking bumberstickers. I want to learn something valuable about women up in this "bitch"! ;D

[I'd have to meet you in person to deliver the shot to your ass.]



Name: Nikki

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm a heartless bitch because I got dumped when I was 4 mo's pregnant for some drug addict whore.

[You must be a total fucking loser, then. Dumped for a junkie whore?]

One Liner:
I just don't fukken care about anyone

[Looks like the feeling is mutual.]



Name: Rick

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
of so many women like you. God help the man that trusts a woman unconditionally. You may post me as a whiner, but isn't that the basis of this entire board? A bunch of women crying about how men have done them wrong because of their beliefs?

[You're so far off, it's like you studied English for your Math quiz.]

One Liner:
If it wasn't for the my love of pussy, I'd be gay.

[This isn't any less stupid than the women who say that they'd be a lesbian if they didn't love the cock. Rick, do you love the cock? Being a dick doesn't mean that you love it. I think I can safely speak for gay men everywhere when I say that you're fucking stupid.]

Hell, then I'd just be hanging out with friends. Plus, if there's no love, there's no hurt at the end. (Damn, now I sound like what you all described)

[Show me where you find this insane shit on the website.]



Name: Amber

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
My ex teased me about gainng 15 lbs while we were together.... so what? So did he!

[What did you fuckers do besides lay around and eat?]

Then I see his newest catch who looks Like she's ready to deliver anyday...(she's definalty not pregnant)!!..What's with the freakin double standard!

[He just likes chubbies. Maybe he teases her, too.]

Another thing ...When a guy approaches you, at first it's all good but then they stare at your chest the whole time we're talking...

[It's not your chest; it's that hypnotic jiggly double-chin.]

do I stare at a they'crotches the entire converation? no!

[I bet you would if it was hanging out.]

that'd look pretty rediculous!... SO if I'm out and I spot a guy checkin me out that I think might be a slimeball... I act like a bitch and just walk on by... Thanks for listening!

[Are you under the impression that nice girls SHOULD pay attention to just any guy who checks her out?]

One Liner:
Guys think i'm a Bitch cause i just walk on by, but unless they stop gawking at my chest... i'm not fuking intersted!

[Sure you are. You put up a good front (pun intended), but it's all you can talk about.]



Name: Elissa

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I hate people... all the people, except for the ones who agree with my opinions... which are that all people suck,

[Including you? I mean, I agree that you suck, but I want to see how deep your hypocrisy runs.]

for the exact reasons that are on the front page. I'm sick of males pulling their shit and caring so much about the appearance of females... and I'm sick of females who spend hours and hours in front of the mirror so they can live up males' expectations. It makes me sick.

[You just got dumped, eh?]

I'm sick of all my so called friends being involved with morons... and I'm sick of guys that go out of their way to open the door for me, LIKE I CAN'T DO IT MYSELF,

[Courtesy never goes out of style. I hate it when the fuckers see that I'm coming, but they let the door slam on me anyway.]

or wait for me to leave the elevator first even though they're standing at the bloody door and I'm at the back... it's ridiculous! I'm so sick of people's crap it makes me sick.

[Maybe you're not getting off on his floor.]

One Liner:
I hate people. I also hate people who say they hate people, then go off and be nice to those people and pretend they like them, like the mindless backstabbers they are.

[But you're not guilty of this, I'm sure.]



Name: Elissa

[She just can't stay away.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I hate everybody, except for people who agree with me about how much people suck.

[Ah, she reconsidered how she worded this. At least she shows promise.]

I hate people who don't give me the time of day because I'm ugly.

[Why should anyone want to be around you when you're filled with self-loathing, which is nothing short of boring.]

I hate males pulling all their shit and only being interested in females that they find attractive. I also hate females that encourage this sort of male thinking, and spend hours on end in front of the mirror just so they can live up to males' expectations.

[I see, you're not dumped, you're just jealous. Jealousy is simply an admission that you can NEVER have what someone ELSE does. I refuse to believe that.]

I'm also sick of males that go out of their way to open a door for me LIKE I'M INCAPABLE OF DOING IT MYSELF!!! And also when they wont' get out of the elevator until I do, even though they're right next to the door and I'm at the back.

[Maybe they are just checking the view.]

I'm aslo sick of people telling me I talk to much,

[It's not that you talk too much, it's that you have so little to say.]

or my opinions are too strong on certain subjects,

[Too strong? Too baseless.]

or that I should act like a girl more... I mean what the hell does that even mean! I'm a girl, therefore anyway I act can be defined as girly, end of story. All this crap just makes me so mad... I have to go scream now, excuse me.

[Read something instead. At least that is useful.]

One Liner:
I hate people. I also hate people who say they hate people, then go off and be nice to those same people and pretend they like them, while secretly going on about how much they hate them.

[Was this really worth repeating?]



Name: Mary

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I meet guys on the internet, make them fall for me, then drop them like hot coals ~most of them anyway, there are a few I let stay in love with me~

[And I thought reality TV was the utmost in falseness.]

One Liner:
The young mans wet internet dream, that turns into a nightmare...

[You turn out to be a 50 year old man, still living in his mother's basement, and you show up on his doorstep?]



Name: Alexa

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Haters much?

[Said by someone who spent her whole application hating on us.]

Its kinda sad that you guys claim to be heartless bitches. Yes, being a smart ass does not make you a heartless bitch.

[Exactly. This is our point.]

Making sure that pictures of girls being "hardcore" on a horse while firing a riffle also does not make you a heartless bitch.

[Where does it say that it does? Now you're just guessing.]

Nice try though, girlies in skirts posing cowboys.

[I get it. You just look at the pictures.]

Its funny because my friend is in HBI, and shes the LEAST heartless bitch

[My first thought was to ask you to point her out. My SECOND thought was, "waitaminnit...she has a FRIEND?" I bet you pay her a stipend.]

i know. You know what you gotta do to be a member??!?! Pretend to be a heartless bitch online and write something sassy, and BAM your in.

[Never have we said it was hard. What I have said was that it was sad that it is SO EASY to get in, and still so many fail. The hard part is surviving the 'Board.]

haha at lunch she was telling us how she got in, and its pretty damn sad. But nice try girls. We're cheering you guys on, really we are.

[Cheering us on for what?]

One Liner:
Dont drop the soap girls

[Again, what? We're not in jail. Draw me a map to what you're talking about.]



[This little gem was mailed directly to Natalie. Before flinging it in the trash, she thought it might be worth a chuckle or two.]

Lisa

everyone who knows me enjoys my manipulative abilities

[So manipulative, in fact, she decides to apply through the back door. DIAGONALLY. Pretty sneaky, sis!]

and praise me on a regular basis for them. but! i apply to your website and you turn me down!!

[But let me tell you why.]

wow!!! u guys have nuthin on me so its your loss with all i could lend to your website.... but NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO your automated bullshit turned me away...

[The easiest reason is that you can't follow simple directions (and I'm looking at a dozen of you other hopefuls). SEND A REAL FUCKING EMAIL ADDRESS.]







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