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May 17, 1999
Weak of the Week
The best of the worst Membership Applications

by JadeSyren

For the Week of April 17th, 2000



Email : cory@notsuave.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I dunno why.

[Quelle Surprise.]

Guess I dont really have a reason WHY I'm a bitch, I just am.

[Guess you don't have a shiny new Heartless Bitch card either. Unlike you, I know why you don't have one. It's because your application sucks.]

I was born this way, and this way I intend to stay!

[Good for you. No need to break in a brand new brain with unnecessary thoughts.]

One Liner:
yep, I'm a bitch,it happens.

[Accidents happen. Bitch is a conscious choice and a daily effort. We only make it look easy.]



Email : alumnusflounder@access1.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
My mother is a bitch. I was born a bitch.

[We can't Grandfather you in. You have to earn it for yourself.]

I'm only a high school freshmen and people are scared to death of me.

[I'd probably run the other way if I saw you coming too. You might want to strike up a conversation or something.]

Especially junior and senior guys.

[Yes, and their opinions count EXTRA.]

I am not afraid to tell idiots off and have done so many times. Sarcasm is a personal favorite weapon to use and I employ it quite well.

[Sarcasm in the hands of an angst-ridden outcast teenager. What a subtle weapon that must be.]

One Liner:
B is for beautiful! I is for intelligence! T is for terrific! C is for charming! H is for honorable!

[You do get credit for not having H stand for Horny.]



Email : ibadoof@netscape.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I am a heartless bitch beacuse I can be.

[This isn't a reason, it's an attempt at a declarative statement.]

I do it well and if a man talks to my chest then I grab him by the penis and "pull"!

["Pull"? Do you do something LIKE pulling? I get the strange feeling that "pull" is code for "handjob".]

I have a talent for putting men in their place(especially on the pool table)They usually lose!

[Gives whole new meaning to 8 ball in corner pocket, now doesn't it.]

Being     a Bitch is a part of my essence, IT IS A MUST!!!

[Only if Bitch means "Woman who works the pool hall".]

One Liner:
Build a bridge asshole and "GET OVER IT!"

[Can't he borrow your pool table for a while?]



Name: Colleen

Email : stupidass@msn.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
"Im a Heartless Bitch because Iam sick of being treated like a stupid ass just because of the way I look,I have a brain and an education,

[You DO? Why wasn't I informed?]

and Im sick of men who tell you they love you one day and cheat on you the next so I have turned the tables I will tell them I love them then sleep with their best friend the next day!!!"

[Clearly you take the high road. Or plan to, in the near future. Want a tissue?]

One Liner:
"She who dies with the most toys wins"

[...but she's still dead. Guess this is one of those posthumously awarded honors.]



Name:Stephany

Email : friendofstupidass@msn.com

UserID : licknutz

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm a heartless bitch because I'm tiered of the men who say they love you then have theie pager going off with alll the other bitches calling them

[This doesn't sound at all like the previous one. I really believe that this is someone else applying.]

and they (the men) want you to believe that it's just the news comming over the

[That really should have tipped you off. Guys that date you aren't interested in the news.]

pager and nothing elese, but I know better cause I have the voice code number and hear all the messages and i decide if they need to here them or be deleted then he think's there is something wrong with his pager.

[That's more like it. Stump-dumb is more your speed. How does it make you anything but a fool to willingly stay with a man that's seeing other women when you don't like that?]

One Liner:
Don't sweat the petty stuff, just pet the sweaty stuff. lick nutz

[Lick nutz is her personal mantra, either that or she's got Tourette's. Thanks for applying again, Colleen, er Colleen's friend.]



[A whole new low.]

Name: Marc Lepine

[For those of you that didn't know (like myself), Marc Lepine was the guy that went crazy in the halls of Ecole (french for 'school') Polytechnique in Montreal, shooting and killing 14 women (wounding 13 others, mostly women). Like the other Marc, our lovable darling blames women for his failures because he's just that kind of loser. The original Marc killed himself, however.]

Email : marclepine@guess.com

[Dummy account for a dummy. Perfect.]

UserID : 12345

[Fingers on one hand.]

URL : NO!

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq

One Liner:
I hope all of your members get boob cancer! And go wash your stinky pussies!

[And he applies again. This time, so we don't catch on to him, he decides to go "incognito" with a hotmail address.]

Name: Marc Lepine@hotmail.com

Email : marclepine@guess.com

[You guessed it. He didn't change this at all, not that it matters at this point.]

UserID : 12345

URL : NO!

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq

One Liner:
I hope all of your members get boob cancer! And go wash your stinky pussies!

[How did we get two identical applications from two different people? There must be a veritable army of them. Oh no, what will we do? Do we panic, then shriek or is it shriek, then panic?]



Name: Suzy

Email : medusa@chi-chi-chi-chia.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
...because I am a woman with balls of steel. I carry a tattoo of Medusa on my arm that has my face on it and says it all. Don't even fuckin' look at me. I talk tougher than a truck driver and have since I was a kid. People always ask the same inane questions. "Do you eat with that mouth?" or "Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" But I've started answering the questions before they're even asked. "Fuck you and yes I do eat with this mouth!" I've got class,

[Savor the irony.]

when I choose to have it. I've got style and I know how to work it. But I've got a tongue that'll cut your heart out quicker than shit.

[Shit, as a slicing tool, is rather dull and lacks a sharp edge. In that case, why not "quicker than cooked spaghetti" or even "quicker than marshmallow fluff"?]

All I ask from anyone is honesty. For real. I HATE liars, I HATE whiners. Grow up, shut up and quit being so fucking sensitive. I'm all about using and keeping the power that's mine. I had a boyfriend recently that was fond of calling me a bitch.

[Generic Heartless Bitch reason #43 - the boyfriend reference.]

And you know what? He was right. I want things my way, I want them now, and don't make me ask twice. If you don't like what I have to say...get the fuck out! The old boyfriend came home one night after we had fought, and he was as sick as a dog. Drunk, stupid and puking all over my floor. I politely asked him to leave my house for good, and when he refused I locked his dumb ass out in the cold garage. I let him lay there face down on the cold cement breathing in his own vomit like a dog, while he cried and whined that he was sick and needed a blanket. I just decided to call the police and HAVE him removed. I'm sure it felt good to be drunk and handcuffed, although I wouldn't know. I've never been stupid enough to get myself into a situation like that. That night as he was screaming at me when the cops dragged him away, I just turned around and smiled. Walked away and never looked back.

[Until you ran for your wallet to scrounge up bail money.]

One Liner:
"OK, and your point is?????"
I hate people who ramble on or beat around the bush. For God's Sake Spit it Out!

[This is a prime example of shootin' fish in a barrel.]



Email : ignoramus@telus.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
oh where do I start I am called a bitch so many times a day I have lost count and have also joined the who gives a flyin fuck what anyone thinks of me anymore...I do not tolerate men who"s conversations always seem to lean towards sex no matter if you met them 5 minutes ago or not too bad god gave them two heads but only enough blood to operate one at a time...I speak my mind which

[...means you have very little to say.]

people seem to think that I must have isssues cuz I do that

[This application is proof a-plenty that you have issues.]

(ya my issues are fuckin people that sit back and tee hee at stupid little comments made bye brain dead people that try to impress others..I have the attitude if you don't liek who I am then step away from the bitch..

[What Bitch? Where? Stop hiding behind your imaginary friends.]

I do not get insulted when I am called a bitch I find it very flattering

[Possibly because of all the insults hurled at you, this is the one that you can spell and pronounce.]

actually and my worst pet peeve is a woman that says oh my god I broke a nail...I can stand up to the best of them I can kick ass when I need to and damn it if any man will ever tell me what to do. I am an induvidual

[You mean InDUHvidual.]

plain and simple with my own thoughts..don't dicatate to me tell me hw o to act

[How else will you know what to say?]

how to dress and don't you dare pull that oh it must be pms crap on me..I know what i want I believe its all about me and there is only 5 people that coem before me and that is my children..

[You are responsible for bringing up 5 kids? That's scarier than your spelling.]

I am responsible for my own happiness and I need noone to validate me if thsi si bein a bitch then fuckin sign me up

[For the pill.]

cuz I get called it so much I am thinking of legally changing my name.

[For tax purposes.]

One Liner:
hey asshole get on the short yellow school bus and rock back and forth

[Learn that witty one from your kids?]



Email : smellingrotten@rmefpc.com

UserID : OffProzac

[Renew the meds.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Ive got a 34 year old 6 foot mega jock coming from MN to live with me. Meanwhile he thinks Im 37 (Really 47), single (been married 22 years to the same guy who I cheat on every chance I get), a rock drummmer in an all-girl band (I'm a Librarian for chrissakes), wrote a song two groups are vying for (I do cross stitch and rubber stamping). This asshole is in love with me and has sent me roses & gifts every other week for the past 6 months.

[Bah. It's easy to convince someone when you're in an internet romance. See how long the wool stays over his eyes when he sees ya. I think you're both in for a rude awakening...if he ever shows, that is.]

One Liner:
On your knees boy.

[If you weren't already a self-admitted liar, this domina stance would have worked.]



Email : capslockqueen4232@AOL.COM

UserID : PASSWORD

[Isn't that precious? How often do you see password as a password? I mean recently.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I HATE WHEN MEN SAY THEY LOVE YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU GAVE EM SOME.

[You know they just tell you what you want to hear. In case they get desperate enough to contact your gullible ass again.]

I JUST WANTED SOME...I'M NOT LOOKING FOR LOVE RIGHT NOW.

[It's just a nicety. You know, like in "How are you?" "I'm fine". You fuck and they say "I love you".]

I DON'T GOT LOVE FOR MEN. THEY DON'T MEAN SHIT TO ME..WE USUALLY DON'T MEAN SHIT TO THEM. I THINK I'M A TRUE HEARTLESS BITCH. YEAH, I CHEAT ON MY MEN...AND I BREAK HEARTS TOO, BUT IT DON'T BOTHER ME ANY.

[If being a hypocrite doesn't bother you, why should this?]

One Liner:
USE EM AND DUMP EM....HEY! THEY'VE BEEN DOIND IT FOR YEARS AND NOW..I THINK ITS THE WOMENS TURN....FUCK MEN!!

[How about option number 2: PICK BETTER MATES.]



Email : NUTBUSH@bahahahaha.COM

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
BECAUSE I LIKE BEING A BITCH TO BITCHES.

One Liner:
HEY,YOU DON'T NEED A BRACE YOU NEED A MUZZLE!

[You need a keeper. You shouldn't be unassisted, unmonitored or off medication.]



Email : somefriend@aol.com

UserID : sunshine

[She's just little miss ray o'sunshine.]

URL : [Yes, she does have one.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

One Liner:
eat shit and die

[How direct! Now see her reality.]

I'll Be Your Friend

"§un§hine"

Hi my name is deleted,
I love my nickname it's §un§hine. Love of my life is a cat named Clyde.
I'm really looking forward to making new friends.

My Fun time
I love my flowers and rock gardens.I can work for hours at a time on them! It allows all the stress in my life to leave, if only for a little while. I also enjoy taking my camera out and making pictures. I love God's nature, beauty around us that shows in the works of not just man, but our Creator. Trees, old barns, lakes and waterfalls, in the country and city a like, so often taken for granted. I love long rides in the country side, watching the lazy flight of a bird, the energy of a hummingbird and like everyone else the beach, Sunsets, staying in with a favorite person. Just been carefree.

[Somehow the "Heartless Bitch" logo strikes me as incongruent.]



Read the Previous edition of the Weak of the Week

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