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1999-2001
Weak of the Week
The best of the worst M ship Applications

For the Week of February 15, 2004
edited by Jadesyren



Name: Elizabeth

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I hate people. All people. They all have too may moments when they are tying to please other people. And then I hate the people they are trying to please because they are letting it happen. I hate girls who are femanists. Get over it. Just because your grandmother was treated badly, doesn't mean the men today owe you anything.

[What about the men today who treat us unfairly? Should I just grin and bear it because it's better than what my grandmother faced?]

You want the respect of anyone, you have to earn it.

[You said a mouthful. Tell me, what does this cliché mean to you?]

Other wise, what the hell is it worth. Why are there so few people out there that understand ou have to work for what you get? Why are there so few people who will do whatever they want, even if it is angainst the image they are supposed to have. I work in a very male dominted industry, but have work my ass off to be equal with then,

[Ah, but you're substandard. The rest of us have to work twice as hard as them to convince them that we are half as good. It's a good thing that it comes easily.]

but see so many girls on the job that just think it is cute to get a big strong boy to help then. Ficking suck it up, princess.

[And you have a beef with feminism.]

One Liner:
I vomit with rage every chance I get.

[What does it get you? Anger should have a point, a direction, or else it's a big waste of time.]



Name: Dani

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
one time i was talking to a guy friend over the internet. we knew eachother personally and i was rather intoxicated, so i didn't mind flirting with him through text.

[Why should you mind if you didn't know the guy and were stone sober? Why should I care anyway?]

time went on and i got more and more hammered and well... turned on, so I

[And if you tell this story in a bar, I can GUARANTEE that you won't go home alone.]

invited him over for a lil action. i was excited, cuz he was really hot afterall, and i knew he had a serious crush on me.

[How to make a decision you'll regret? Follow this formula.]

he got to my place and immediatly we started going at it. well. things started going sour after a minute or so... he just wasn't my flavor. maybe he was trying too hard? maybe he just really sucked in bed.

[Maybe you were too drunk? That couldn't be it.]

and i'm really bossy in the sack, too, so i'm sure my drill sgt. commands weren't helping him (all my other boyfriends live and die for it), and he was having a hard time... performing, so to speak. well, i was getting impatient and bored with the situation so finally i told him to either "screw me like a man or go home." well.. that didn't help either.

[You know how that came out. "Sssshhcrew me...hic...like a home or go mannn...zzzzz."]

he started making excuses and blah blah and i kicked him out of my apartment and made him call a cab home. his keys were still inside my place apparently. i don't know. i haven't spoken to him since.

[Nothing worse than a psychotic drunk.]

One Liner:
"f*ck me or go home"

[Whatever happened to go home and fuck me?]



Name: Heather

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Im so sick of those sad bastards who seem to think its the end of the world if they dont have a date for valentines... if i have to deal with another friend and there whining im going to get up and stab them threw the eye with a pen. Ok no date, not the end of the world, pull yourself together, get a life.. or a hobby u said annoying attention seeking son/daughter of a bitch. U dont have a date, go cry, go eat chocolate, cut yourself for all i fucking care just get fucking over it and stop complaining to me.

[Every Valentine's day she shuts down.]

Im not against peaple who are gey

[Or fey. Whatever.]

or any thing, but when i tell you i dont bend that way, drop it.

[Dammit. Why don't you homosexuals listen to her. She's straight, you're BENT. She's already told you that she's not against you (yeah, right, sure). How many times can she let you know that she's not flexible in the LEAST? Actually, I want to know how in fuck you find someone this ignorant attractive. Seriously.]

Unlucky im not interested. Dont keep hitting on me.

[They aren't hitting ON you; they are HITTING you. It's a reflex.]

This happens repeatedly. Whats wrong? are u so stupid that you want me to shoot you down in the most degrading ways i can possibly think of. Cos i swear im not gonna put up with these wingy annoying repetitive morons who dont seem to be able to process one simple refusal and so have to make it into a trilogy. For fuck sakes take body languege 101, mine says not in this lifetime.

[Typically, this means that she breaks into a kung-fu stance.]

The next time my unnamed friend comes up to me talking about "oh unnamed boyfriend keiren

[Heh.]

is such an asshole like all men are! i cant come up with a better excuse so it must be the fact that hes a man, and that my endless strings of dramaqueen speeches have nothing to do with it! i hate him so damn much! men suck, i hate them all! i am now totally independant... oh look i got back together everythings okay." im going to pick up the nearest heavy object and knock her brains out.

[I'll bet she has an instruction list. 1. Lift object. 2. Throw at FRIEND.]

It wont make much a mess... she hardly has any.

[Which explains her friendship with you (rimshot).]

Come to think about it i dont even like any of my friends, theres always winging and moaning about something and after years still expect me to give a damn when there boy/girlfriend has broken up with them for the 25th time... i need new friends. Some who arent pressurised by the expectations of society to go out seek a relationship and waste money on that fucking pink n red sickness we call valentines day. .. as a closing point.. i have nightmares about hearts, rainbows and dogs with big shiney eyes.

[In a sick way, I do, too. I know my mailbox is going to be jam-packed with the dumbest applications of the year.]

One Liner:
I hate fluffy pink hearts and stupid sugar coated icing we call romance. FFS go to bed and cut out all the bullshit.

[FFS? FDS? What?]



Name: Kristy

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
cause . . . you are all stooped

[Are you sure it's not just you?]

One Liner:
I is

[That we know.]



Name: Lacey

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm a heartless bitch because...I can't STAND those damn girly shirts that profess the owner to be a "princess, queen, or angel."

[Try THESE shirts on for size.]

My girlfriends know better than to bitch about their guy problems to me because I give the most real advice possible "You only like guys who treat you like that, so don't whine to me". I have a serious problem with being tied down in a relationship and having to report 24/7 to a man who is probably cheating on me anyway.

[Obviously, you're not the expert on love, babycakes.]

My e-mail address is that_little_bitch and I have "Bitch" written in perfect cursive under my door handle on my car. My license plate cover says "Boys lie" and one of my favorite songs is "She's a Bitch" by Missy Elliot.

[Wait, you complain about Princess, Angel, and Queen T-shirts, and you cover yourself with products that say "Bitch"?]

One Liner:
My ex once said "She makes me upset and hurts me like an ax ripping through a soft piece of wood"

[Then he said, "Good riddance."]



Name: Dawn

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I told a kid i work with that has adhd well my 6 year old does too but this kid questions my authority all the time.

[You don't have any authority because you'd have used it if you did.]

I mean for crying out loud im the manager and what i say goes.

[How seriously does anyone take a McDonald's manager, anyway?]

One Liner:
Don't question my authority, I'm the freaking manager.

[You're in the wrong profession.]



Name: Lori

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I get real heavy periods and just come unglued!!!

[Your twat is what holds you together, eh?]

One Liner:
I'M JUST A BITCH PERIOD.

[Nah, you just have a bitch of a period.]



Name: pristinel

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm the woman in the resturant who's going to stand upon leaving, belch loudly, and yell "I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!" I'm not afraid to be myself, and do what makes me happy, and not everyone else.

[Roar, not belch. Ick.]

One Liner:
Yeah, so my names Prissy. Notice the 'R'. Prissy. Not pissy, although, you are getting me there. Not pussy either. Thought you could walk over me? You're the one like good linoleum...lay it right the first time, and walk all over it forever. Yeah... now I'm Pissy...

[Why can't you be Witty, or Funny, or even Bright?]



Name: Christine

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
my nerves get all bundled up when I hear someone complaining about there life and how it sucks,my response to them is to stop whining,get off your ass and do something about it.

[My response is to ignore them. Obviously they are much too self-centered to enjoy.]

the sentiment of flowers what does it really say here are some flowers they will be dead soon just like our love

[They really say, "Fucking you is worth the price of these dying flowers, so how 'bout puttin' out?"]

why do people cry at funerals,are they crying for themselves or for the person who died

[Why don't you gain some depth and figure that out?]

One Liner:
If you don't like the way I look,oh well

[You're even worse on paper.]



Name: Lisa

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I have little tolerance for people of the world, workplace, and neighborhood who think they are somehow better than everyone else.

[By everyone else, you mean YOU.]

I bought into nice house, nice neighborhood propaganda and am escaping less than a year later. I'll happily take the financial loss. These people drive down the street in their pretty cars and SUVs and won't even wave back to me and my two little boys when we're in the front yard.

[Keep those little hellions to yourself, and see a change. Why should they wave back to you, anyway? Aren't they entitled to be just as selfish as anyone else?]

Let me return to a *normal* neighborhood where the other heartless bitches will seek me out and we will happily bitch-meet in the driveway in our PJs without shame.

[I'd never seek you out, and going out in just my PJs is a definite no-no for me.]

Furthermore, I know myself and I take full responsibility for my actions. I might go out to places where you wouldn't be caught dead, I might stay out late, or I might spend the entire night out. But I won't hit on your husband, I won't drive home drunk, and I won't be ashamed of any of my actions the next day. If you don't approve, I don't really care.

[Why would someone disapprove of this. Is there more that you're not telling?]

And finally, if you want to spread rumors about me, be my guest. They always make it back to me and they are always amusing and great conversation pieces.

[Truth ain't no rumor.]

One Liner:
I may be a heartless bitch, but unlike the snobs and princesses of the world, I know what's real and important. I'll befriend you and/or help you if you need it because I care, not because you have something I want in return.

[Obviously you wanted something. That's why you're leaving at a loss.]



Name: Sandy

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
In an effort to explain why I have become a heartless bitch it is not too hard to figure out.

[AAAAAAAAAHHH. A story. It looks like a painful, stupid story.]

Mine relates to all the "Wonderful Fullfilling" experiences I have with the opposite sex as I am sure some of yours do as well. In my quest, for someone real in my life all I have found are "real-life" idiots.

[Opposites don't always attract. What can I tell you?]

I can characterize and define them any way you would like. My first

[You're going to share more than one?]

experience was with the "doormat & momma's boy" The boy next door who in fact was actually the 5 yrs older than me guy from down the road. I was 17 he was 22...not hard to figure out the attraction there

[Massive amounts of drugs?]

...I wanted out...He wanted IN! Match made in hell that lasted on through oblivion from 1987 to 1996

[Nine years you dated the wrong guy?]

at which time I realized that even if men are like lineoleum....as everyone says ....no matter how many times I lay him right I wanted hard wood floors.

[Both of you are throw rugs.]

Then I went through the "I'm not a slut I'm non-commital" phase...The Fri/Sat Nite Adventures that books can be written about. During this time, the ground work was being "laid" to become a heartless bitch as nobody's feelings came into play. I didn't care what the whole world thought of me because I "deserved" my time to have some fun.

[Why? Because you fucked the wrong guy for NINE years?]

...This went on until 2001 when I met the "Man Of My Dreams" Little did I know....he was the man of 6 or 8 other women's dreams.

[I hope you thought of safe sex during all this time.]

..and he thought I was not smart enough to find that little tid bit of information out. But he looked real cute with his dick superglued to his leg

[Bet you looked even cuter in the handcuffs.]

before I left....Funny because one of his tramps I have come to be very good friends with after we found out about each other as she is quite the bitch too. Now that I'm in my 30's hahahahaha....I have been out with 3 guys since november and they all are so emotionally unavailable with multiple issues...either they just got out of a relationship and just want a fuck friend or they don't know what they want...and you call us women whiney and insecure....

[Why do you keep dating these shits? Think about it.]

One guy broke up with me through my 14 yr old daughter.

[Hold the phone. You thought that you could fuck around the town and you had a kid at home?]

..decided he could tell her what was wrong and not me...then about a week ago he contacted me and wanted to see me again.

[Guess what? He missed your daughter. He sounds like a creep.]

..my reaction without going in to great details was fuck off....the next two broke up with me over email........So I have one thing to say to you guys out there...Grow Some Balls Boys!

[Stop dating these clowns. Unless you learn to fix what is so apparently wrong with you, all you'll find are these losers. Believe me, opposites don't attract, they REPEL.]

This is not the Whoa-Is-Me speech--I don't need sympathy-- check that out in the dictionary between shit and syphyllis--this is the reality of why women become heartless bitches. YOU men make us that way.

[Wrong. We are Heartless Bitches because WE made us that way.]

When we were born, we knew nothing about all these things that go on when we are older and our mother's didn't teach us this as most parents of that era (mine anyway) stayed together and remained married....So this is a LEARNED trait...and where did we learn it from...take a guess....not from teen magazine or on ebay.....And don't tell me what a NICE guy you are and you are always treated like shit.....wanna know why you get treated like shit because you act like an asshole...and what else would you expect..and these self proclaimed

[But you stick around them, and keep selecting them. Why WOULD they change?]

"nice" guys...are not as nice as they think they are..it's a crutch for their insecurities and problems....so they can blame their problems on them being too nice ....Nice Guy.....that's like the biggest oxymoron I've ever heard.....And no i'm not a man-hater either.

[No, you're just the type of nitwit who can't figure out that she's the cause of her own problems.]

I just think there's more to this than meets the eye...I am not a self-indulged,mindless trainwreck of emotion person.

[Aha. You ARE aware of this.]

I have two beautiful daughters who I am raising to be independant thinkers and decision makers.

[Not with YOUR toolbox.]

I want them not to be clouded by a single opinion but to grasp several opinions and weigh the options. I have been told I'm a heartless bitch because I just don't give a shit about these lame ass excuses for guys and all their issues. I don't have time for that.... So if you (guys) want to call me a bitch go ahead i'm flattered but just be sure I wasn't the girl you wanted to go home with last nite........

[Because it's not too late if she was.]

One Liner:
Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.' A Bitch's love says 'I don't need you or love you. I'm just giving my vibrator a break tonight!'

[Just take that to your therapist.]



[A special treat mailed directly to the Supreme Bitch.]

From Roseanne

I'd like to say that I would be honored to become a heartless bitch club member. Here's why.

[Do tell.]

For the last 3 miserable years I've had to deal with the same doorknob I called a boyfriend.

[Oh, you could have walked out any time you wanted.]

His name is Ken [deleted]!!!
That is until today. My lucky Day!! Friday the 13th.

[He changed his name?]

I couldn't stand another Valentines day with him even if my life depended on it. That goes for the last 3 Christmas', New Years and birthdays too.

[Did your life depend on those holidays with him?]

The first year we were together was fun. You know those days when sex was great and felt good too and he still looked like a Greek god (uhhgg, can't believe I felt like that only 3 long years ago).

[It's infatuation. If this was as deep as your relationship was in the first year, you should have called it a one-night stand.]

I should have know the first Christmas we spent together that it was downhill from there. I bought him a $600.00 leather lambskin jacket. He bought me salt and pepper shakers. Mind you they were pewter and really nice, but they still didn't compare to his $600.00 jacket.

[What? You can't buy affection, Rosie. Really, you can't. You can't expect a boyfriend to drop $600 on a gift for you, even if he makes a BUNDLE of money. It's not even healthy to spend this much. Go for meaningful. Go for romantic. Don't spend this much. You should practice setting some boundaries. DISCUSS what you expect from one another. Give a gift list, ask for one yourself. If he says "jacket," don't go overboard. This was just ridiculous. Still, you don't give a gift to GET a gift. Give because you want them to HAVE, not because you want something back. Otherwise, spend the $600 on yourself.]

New Years came and we were having a blast, until a blast from his past came around. I found out that the nimrod was cheating with a married woman before I met him.

[And you stayed around.]

That explained why he was newly separated and that should have been my second clue to GET OUT! But that saying that 'Love is Blind' was really true in my case.

[Not blind, downright stupid.]

So I got really sloshed, had to get carried home by him and threw up all over his brand new sheets. ( I later found out the sheets were from his ex-wife, so I didn't feel so bad). I had vowed I was going to get out just after Valentines. Remember, I still wanted him to match or exceed that $600.00 jacket I bought for him at Christmas.

[If you wanted the money, if you were with him for the money, you should have picked his pocket or cut your losses. Be a smart whore. Set your price at the outset.]

Valentines came and I got a beautiful bouquet of roses, long stem red ones. And the sex was still pretty good so I decided to keep him around.

[Read: You were afraid to be alone.]

Then I did it again. I paid for his portion of a Dominican Republic 2 week all inclusive vacation. We left in the cold of March and again it was fun.......and the sex was still good.

[Now you're down a couple grand. This is getting better and better. It's like watching a compulsive gambler at the crap table.]

Love was in the air in the spring and summer came around with laughter. Until he drop a bomb on me and said he wanted to see if 'there was still a chance for him and his ex-wife'..

[You KNEW he was that type of guy a couple of months ago.]

UH, clue number 3! And I missed that one too.

[That's not a CLUE; that's the fucking ANSWER. This is a damned shame.]

In my misery I drove off to Montana to see friends that had moved away the previous year. A week later he called, lonely, desperate, 'lost without me'. The next day he was driving up to Montana to come 'repent his bad choices' and wisk me off my feet again.

[I guess things didn't work out with his ex.]

Yeah right, on his part it was more like grovel, beg, plead and cry and that was in the first 3 minutes. And I must admit I liked it. I was back in control, or so I thought.

[Round and round we go, and where we stop, well, I know. Hell. This is a trip to hell for you and any listener. Was the cock THAT good? Don't answer that. No cock is worth all this.]

Another birthday came and guess what I got. :\ A stupid bed table. You know that thing that looks like a mini table that you prop up in bed and run the risk of spilling all your food if you move your leg too fast. Yeah you get it.

[And you stayed, and stayed, and never ever left.]

Clue number 4, but still I raged on, still hoping that the 2nd Christmas would bring my dream gift. Hey, can you blame a girl.

[Yes. No gift is worth cashing in my self-esteem. He's a slot machine with no payout.]

But before that Christmas came around we had a big fight because he was still

[Why do you think he picked a fight with you?]

buying his ex-wife gifts. And with me being the heartless bitch I knew existed inside me, I told him to shove it up his porthole and sit down hard. Then I walked away, for good. Until after New Years

[Pfft. Two whole weeks.]

and before Valentines day, again. Uhhggg!!!!

[This is the typical breakup time for cheap bastards.]

I can't remember what I got last year, but it couldn't have been that great if I can't remember, right!

[Nah. You don't show a talent for memory.]

By his track record it was probably some cheesy gift that I graciously dug out of the closet to give to the salvation army this past Christmas. So your probably wondering what I got this past Christmas. Well not to disappoint all of you wonderful readers who have sat so patiently waiting for the outcome.......you guessed it. Not a thing!

[You've been getting' nuttin' for Christmas, 'cuz you ain't been nuttin' but had.]

This past Christmas I was so distraught at not being invited to his parents house for Christmas again....3rd in a row, that I decided to make

[Didn't that Chris Rock song clue you in? If he's not inviting you to meet his friends or parents, you are not the one.]

my own plans. And I probably jumped the gun when he asked me what we were going to spend on Christmas presents but that heartless bitch in me told him I wasn't getting him anything this year. I had spent all my money on his 'dream vacation' which he never gave 1 red cent back (but I didn't ask either, hey, isn't that what luv is, yeah right!), and I expected

[At least you're making rules.]

something in return for a change. And I told him so. So I pissed him off again and didn't hear from him until I got back from Disneyworld......after New Years. Yeah, I went to Disneyworld without him and joined friends there and didn't tell him I was going until the day I left. Now you want to feel satisfaction at a job well done. Go on a trip without your 'loved one' and don't tell him your going until the day you leave. That was pure satisfaction for me. And proof that the wonderful heartless bitch I am is still alive.

[You know that he didn't care. It was good for you, and needed to be done, but you didn't hurt him. He just called the other floozies he hangs out with.]

Since I've returned all we do is fight. I guess you could say the only passion left in this romance is the passion of anger and the will to fight. Today I went and returned the gift I was going to give him on Valentines day....a $2.95 card. That was still too much to spend on him so I returned it and bought myself a Cappuccino.

[It's about time. Seek therapy to figure out why you put up with that shit for so long. The answer might surprise you.]

When he called to confirm 'our date' on Sunday,(note that Sunday is the 15th, not the 14th). I told him to take a hike....and this time to get lost in the woods so not even the bears could find him. Your wondering why the 15th and not the 14th. Well he's in a band and all his weekends are consumed with this stupid dream of becoming a rock star. Yet he can't carry a note, but he is a great guitar player.

[Why are you making dates with him, anyway?]

So I say good luck to all my fellow heatless bitches out there. Take a lesson from my experiences. If it feels like hell, looks like hell and smells worse than hell, it probably is. Hell, it took me 3 years to wake up and smell the %&)#.

[Clue in. We know that. YOU didn't.]

Happy Heartless Bitches Day, Friday the 13th, the best and luckiest day of my life.

[I would bet money that you are fucking him by now.]

Rosie

[She asked us to print her name because she was proud of this. I am choosing to withhold her name.]





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