[We start with a weiner...er, winner.]

Rejected in the Aug 31 batch

Hung out to dry with my name & responses dissected for all to see. Ouch. OK. Fair enough. I'd been warned.

[Yep. It's not like this column started yesterday.]

Still, I don't think my attitude & approach to life, women, and relationships is so far off from what I found on the HBI pages.

[Congratulations on not learning from your mistakes.]

So I'll drop in from time to time for a bit of your humor, your rants, your constant distain for ignorance, your intolerance of intolerance. Even your comments on my membership application gave me a chuckle or two. (and a grimace or two, to be honest.)

[At least you're not a sore loser. Don't worry. I'm not one to hold a grudge. Why, if you wrote in again with a half-way decent application, I'd forget all about this one...well, almost. I just wouldn't hold it against you.]

One question concerning the "one liner" response from my rejected 'application'. What's the deal with your last comment concerning France "Ironically, he's writing in from France…er, I mean FREEDOM.]"

[My own personal running joke. Plus, look at the wobbly soapbox it gave you to stand on.]

Pandering to the the gung-ho anti-France, pro-war morons?

[Think so? I, for one, consider it my civic duty to remind America of just how stupid we can be, as a whole. For instance, take the example of the woman who bought French wine to pour down the drain as a boycott.

Uh, yeah.

The fact that we spent even a single dime in making little stickers to cover the word "French" with "Freedom" for a food item that is neither is a continuous source of my joy. You've got to love the deep irony in a nation that criticizes another for exercising a little "Freedom" of their own, when the notion of Freedom is a core concept of AMERICA. So, yeah, I was waiting for someone to write in from France.]

Given the intelligence found elsewhere on your site, I would have reckoned you would have seen through the simplistic arguments of the George W crowd. What a disappointment.

[How do you feel now? Does satire mean anything to you?]

Perhaps the inclusion of Condoleezza Rice as an honorary BH should have tipped my off to a right wing political stance.

[One person gives us a "stance?" No, my humorless, thick-witted, friend, this should be a demonstration to you that we will acknowledge all Heartless Bitchery, and that being a Heartless Bitch transcends gender, race, religion and political viewpoint. We don't have to agree with you to acknowledge that you are a Heartless Bitch.]

Still, hard to believe you'd throw yourself in with the lot of the religious right.

[Oh? When did the idea of Freedom substituting for France come from the Religious Right?]

If that's not it, perhaps you'd take the time to clarify.

[Just suffice it to say that you can consider this further proof that this site is too advanced for you.]

[ANOTHER old friend? Remember Vagina Envy Eddy?]

Dear Jade and Natalie
I visited HBI today for the first time since June. I would like to apologize for the way I left in a sissy hissy fit.

[Okay. Now shaddup.]

Please forgive me. I guess it took this long to accept that what you said might be true.

[It's disappointing that it took you this long to come up with a ploy, or did you just want some more attention? Either way, your fifteen minutes are done.]

I am a simpering bore with some sick fetishes..........but I still envy women and try to emulate them when possible.

[Yes, you are one of the ONLY who came forward and admitted it. That's worth a little something.]

I am still interested in becoming a member of the bitchboard, and wonder if theres anything I can do to be accepted.

[No. You don't want our services. There are several dominatrix sites. You REALLY want one of them.]

Name: Amanda

UserID : fatass

[Troll signal or cry for help?]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Lets just say I am one of the many women who suffers from an eating disorder and am trying desperately to recover....

[It's horribly insensitive of me, but I don't care about eating disorders. What in the world is wrong with our nation that we have to create new mental disorders like this? This is actually something I'd have forwarded to Bonnie. This kind of issue was right up her alley. Unfortunately, you're just going to have to settle for my special brand of drop-kick analysis.]

MEDIA definetly DOES not help...

[Oh, don't bother blaming them. No one told you to believe everything you saw on T.V. I'm sure that your mother--or SOMEONE--told you that it wasn't real.]

When I began my e.d I was 11, and I can remeber one thing... an almost nude scrawny girl inside an issue of seventeen... why does media set the standard for how women these days should look?

[A bigger question is why women believe this shit hook, line and sinker. Take some responsibility for yourself. Be discerning. As if the media were known for truth anyway. Oh, I am well aware of how some feminist authors will go to great lengths to demonstrate how the images just break down women, and how these standards are crippling our children, and how women are detrimentally affected by how they are portrayed, and I'll tell you that this is horseshit. Women are MUCH stronger, MUCH smarter than they give them credit for. You don't have to live with your head in a diet book. You don't have to believe everything you're told. Trust me.]

One Liner:
LOL... Bitchiness... Where to start... Hell hath no fury than a women scorn...

[This phrase brought to you by the letter H and F, and by the number 3. Do you have any idea of what you're quoting here, missy, or did you just like the naughty words?]

Name: Heidi

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I am an ice cold female who only likes the opposite sex for SEX. In all other respects they've proven their all-round-debility in every possible field of life - I love pointing that out in every given possibility. I enjoy taking piss out of the opposite sex,

[It's amazing how you think it's clever to degrade the people you have sex with. Astounding.]

people in relationships where they talk about the significant other without really having a clue what the bastard is doing behind her/his back.... Titles, money or such do not impress me. It is all based on intuition - there are fun and great people, but then again they are rare. Just like me ;)

[There IS a God after all.]

One Liner:
Ennemmin helvetti jäätyy, kuin äly miehen päätä pakottaa.(Translation for ya: Hell

[Wait! Ennemmin? Eminem? Hell? There's got to be a connection here.]

freezes over more easily than there is one single intelligent though in a man's mind.)

[I guess it loses a bit in translation.]

Name: Leianne

[And she linked me to a group called "Girls who like Foreskins."]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I am a bisexual female health care professional who prefers females over males except for the fact that I have a fetish for natural non-circumcised penii

[Heh. I KNEW I wasn't the only one who pluralized PENIS like that. Good job.]

or quite frankly a foreskin fetish (long story).

[AAAIIIIGH. Please don't tell me a foreskin story.]

I am very much into clothed female nude male (cfnm) activities,

[I think I played Barbies with you as a child.]

cbt, bdsm and love to humiliate, torment & torture males.

[So this isn't like tying Ken up and running my Barbie camper over him?]

My "Heartless Bitch" Qualities

[Whew. Thank goodness she isn't going to tell me a foreskin story.]

My best friend's b/f cheated on her and she found out about it. My g/f called me and told me that she wanted to hurt her b/f physically and wanted to humiliate him just like he had done to her except in a somewhat different way.

[No, she's on to something. I think the ULTIMATE revenge would be for your friend to sleep with...the girl he was schtupping! Well, maybe he'd file that under "Hot."]

My g/f asked me to help her and I told her I would do so. I called my g/f back later and told her that I had some ideas on what she could do and we then planned our strategy.

[Lucy and Viv situation coming right up.]

My g/f's b/f came home drunk one night and after he passed out we undressed him and secured him to the bed.

[Okay, I'm going to let you know that I don't believe this, but I'll pretend that you're being honest about it.]

When he woke up the next morning he was bound spread eagle and naked in front of a bunch of females. When he asked what was going on my g/f told him that he was going to pay for cheating on her. After he finished cursing

[I think I've seen this movie! Didn't the bound guy only PRETEND to die, then went around haunting the women who killed him, and he wound up burying one of them in the Lake? Maybe I'm confusing Bound with Diabolique again.]

he asked what we were going to do to him and my g/f told him that we were going to circumcise him and that if he did not take his medicine like a man we were going to castrate him too.

[AAAAIAIIIIGGH! You lied to me. You ARE telling me a foreskin tale. This is just perverse. How dare you waste our time with your sick pornographic tale.]

After we cleaned him and prepared him for the event I fitted him with a GOMCO circumcision clamp, crushed his prepuce and allowed my g/f to surgically remove his foreskin. I performed his circumcision removing as much foreskin as possible including the frenulum and sutured him up without the benefit of any pain relief. Needless to say it was a very painful experience for him and I enjoyed every minute of it.

[Then you fried it up, and ate it on toast.]

We captured everything on video including the sound and his severed foreskin is now in a jar of formaldehyde on my g/f's mantle for everyone to see.

[Great. Now the police will have all the evidence they ever need to prosecute you, dumbass.]

Once our patient started to heal after a few days my g/f kicked him out. This was several years ago, we have never been prosecuted and the guy moved away because he was so embarrasssed by it all.

[Another "Happily ever After" story. Why didn't you start it with "Once upon a Time"?]

That is one of my experiences and I hope that this qualifies me to be a "Heartless Bitch" member.

[Member? Foreskin? Bwa ha ha.]

One of my

[Wha the fuck? Guess she ran out of ink.]

One Liner:
Women Rule Men Drool!

[Natural lube.]

Name: Molly

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I am a Heartless Bitch beacause I just am. So what, some people are overly sexual,anoying,or even alchoholics.

[You're just a piece of driftwood afloat in the stream of life where no one has any personal accountability for their behavior.]

God made me this way. I am not short-tempered, I just have no f**king time to deal with other peoples crap. I may not have a heart, but at least I have a brain!

[But where did you leave it?]

One Liner:
I dont care If he's a good boyfriend, he's freaking hairy!

[And he's got four legs. Don't you have a razor?]

Name: Jenny

[And sometimes you get an application that goes on and on and on.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Appearances can be quite decieving. I come off as quite the sweet, innocent little cherub which i am in reality far from.

[You're duplistic, check.]

I have a dear male friend who does the attrocious deed of finding girls to be "friends with benefits" of his.

[We're judged by the people we keep in our company. I imagine that your own moral standards are not much higher.]

One of his "friends" is this girl who is a Sophmore in high school. We, by the way are seniors in high school.

[There goes one excuse.]

Well this girl is just as distasteful in appearance as they get. She just OOZES "STD." As you can probably tell, I'm not quite fond of her.

[What is EASY to tell is that you're jealous of her. I can't wait for you to write me to deny it.]

Well one day she and I were talking in our art class, about the school dances.

[If you're not fond of her, why do you talk to her?]

I remembered the fact that while she and him were dating a while back, she had asked him to a dance that our school calls TWIRP. The acronym stands for "The Woman Is Required to Pay." This also happened to be the same day he decided to break up with her. I brought this day up with her to see how upset she would get.

[What an extraordinarily shitty thing for you to do.]

So she and I wound up discussing all of the immature behaviors in which my male friend takes part in.

[Ah, it's good to see that you have no loyalty.]

After the discussion, she replied, "I've don'e so much shit with him, u have no idea." The funny part is that I DO have n idea. My male friend has the little habit of gossiping every aspect of his life, and than telling people to keep quite because it is a secret.

[The three of you are pigs in a blanket. Made for each other.]

So JUST to be cruel, I told her that he has a tendency to talk. After a while of beating around the bush, she figured out that I had meant that I knew that they had had sex on the riverbank over the summer.

[What a combination: catty, cruel, and vague.]

In the most innocent voice that one could possibly imagine, i looked at her quite seriously and said, "You shouldn't be mad at him. It's your own fault sweety. You should know that all guys talk. If u don't want people tothink that u are a whore hunny,

[Calling someone honey and sweetie while you're insulting them is like scratching your nails down a chalkboard, and about as cliche. It's obvious that you children have no understanding of mature relationships, and it's quite apparent that you're eating on your own liver.]

you shouldn't do any whorish acts with them.

[Did she charge him?]

Because people DO find out. You should know better than to trust a guy when he says that he'll keep a secret. Especially HIM. You should have already known how immature he was. I mean, how much respect can he HAVE for a girl that he just keeps around to FUCK?" At this point I turned to my female friend who was sitting beside me the whole time.

[Girls like you don't have friends, you have competitors.]

I made sure I spoke loud and clear so that the other girl could hear me. I said to my friend, " I hate people who do the whole fuck buddy thing. The world is already dirty enough. They don't need to make it any dirtier than it already is.

[What she did was honest and respectable, believe it or not. There is nothing wrong with expressing love or having sex. What YOU did was downright vile, and you are drowning in your desperation. People like you are what makes the world a "dirty place." You don't get respect by shitting on another human being.]

He obviously doesn't respect her at all.

[He doesn't respect HIMSELF. You don't respect yourself either.]

And all she's doing is making guys like him think that it is okay to disrespect all girls."

[No, HUN, that's what YOU'RE doing. YOU befriended him, you KNOW what kind of creep he is. YOU KNEW what he was doing to her, and you cosigned all his rotten behavior. You thought it was funny, you loved being in on the "joke." This girl didn't know, and you made sure she found out in the most noxious of ways. If anyone is giving anyone the impression that this behavior is acceptable, it's you. When did you start caring about the fate of "all women" anyway? If I had a friend who behaved this way, I'd tell that friend what I thought about it. This is because if that friend is willing to disrespect all the people in their relationship, if they are willing to use another human, it will not be long until they disrespect and use me, too. I don't need that, and it's not okay.]

I turned back to the girl and said to her, "I hope you've learned something today hunny. Just be glad that you've been taught this lesson NOW rather than never. Don't be mad at him. Be mad at yourself for letting it happen."

[She also learned that there are people in this world with frightening personality disorders. Don't be mad at her, be mad at yourself for doing the dirty work in getting rid of her for him. That's what's going on here. He didn't know how to dump her, so Enter the Dragon. Surprise, you got Punk'd. Guess what? He still won't be dating YOU.]

Well the result? I mentioned that we were in an art class, right? Well while I was gone, she started a new painting. She also DESTROYED her new painting because it reminded her too much of HIS unique style of art. In fact, she asked me my opinion on her art. I told her that as long as i've known her, all her art has looked like his.

[Stop watching Cruel Intentions this very minute.]

I DO hope that she went home and destroyed all of her paintings seeing as how she was QUITE mad at the fact that i felt her art was similar to his in any way, shape, or form. Her paintings are hideous anyways.

[I blame the lack of funding to the Arts program for this.]

One Liner:
Soon I'll be breaking out into this world! I hope everyone has insurance.

[I imagine there's a cosy little padded cell with your name on it in your future.]

Name: Yiting

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i can't stand other bitches who backstab me...i can be nice...but if u BACKSTAB me, u die...no pity is wasted as i run u over, leave u with "frens" and of course, lots of enemies, and u WON'T EVER get to be in the 'ommittee!!! And when i am the referee, shut ur damn mouth up and DON"T argue!!!!

[Um. Yeah. See why you can get caned in Singapore?]

One Liner:
BacKsTaB me, U DIE...nO cHaNcE tO "turn over a new leaf"

[Well, "Yatta" to you, too.]

Name: Roshni

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I just fucking am. I am a bitch in every way. I want a fucking guy. Now let me be a heartless bitch.

[You're not acceptable. Now you have something to bitch about.]

One Liner:
I just fucking am.

[Ah, but WHAT you are is a mystery.]