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1999-2001
Weak of the Week
The best of the worst M ship Applications

For the Week of August 31, 2003
edited by Jadesyren



Name: Cherish

UserID : THEchad

[She's probably the reason for all the confusion in Florida, too.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i don't have time for guys who are immature and act like little kids.

[Who does? Give me something a little less obvious.]

It's cute sometimes but most of the time talking like a baby will piss me off.

[Baby talk is only cute when you're talking to an actual BABY.]

I can't stand girls who have nothing better to do than sit around and hate people who are more fortunate than them.

[*sigh* I could weep openly.]

Is it THEIR fault you were kissed on both cheeks by the ugly fairy?

[I've heard of the TOOTH fairy, and I've heard of the UGLY STICK. What is the ugly fairy? Your daddy in your momma's best dress?]

Didn't think so. Bluntness and true words are what you'll hear from me. I don't sugar coat things unless they're absolutely hurtful.

[Can we get past the COATING, please?]

When guys keep hitting on me and can't take NO as an answer, they automatically get the "get the FUCK away". Works everytime.

[Especially when you say it with onions.]

One Liner:
Smart, dangerous, devious, cherishable are all qualities I possess. Problem is, I've got an attitude that'll make a rattlesnake look harmless.

[And intelligent.]



Name: MICHAEL

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
ALL WOMEN ARE GODDESSES !

[We know. What do you want.]

TOO BAD MEN DON'T KNOW THAT !

[That's how we can tell you apart. Someone who says that I'm a goddess is trying to sell me something. Usually, he's trying to sell me on how he DOESN'T suck.]

WOMEN MUST BE ADORED...AT ALL TIMES

[I can do without your adoration. We don't have to be treated differently because we're women.]

...LEFT ALONE WHEN THEY SAY " I NEED TO BE ALONE, RIGHT NOW..AND ALLOWED TO HAVE INTERCOURSE WITH AS MANY MEN or Women they NEED to meet their NEEDS.

[We need you to tell me that?]

NEVER SMOTHER A WOMAN...

[Corollary: Stop sucking the air out of the room, Mike.]

One Liner:
I LOVE TO NURTURE WOMEN'S EMOTIONS...

[When did you become the gardener of our souls?]

WOMEN MUST INFORM ME OF THEIR EMOTIONS.

[Or what? I see that if I were involved with you, you'd have a need to know, but right now, you don't.]

WHAT RED BLOODED MALE CAN'T PAY ATTENTION TO HER EMOTIONS ?

[All this sales pitch and no product.]

MICHAEL - HETEROSEXUAL WOMAN WORSHIPPER NON-SMOTHERER - Handsome Male

[Ah, there it is. You've got to work on your infomercial.]



Name: niki

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i just am goddamit thats good enough

[It ISN'T. Sorry.]

One Liner:
pimpette of the month playmate of the season, your dumbass boyfriend jus brok it off wit you and im da reason. so step asyde bitch and watch your bac cus this bitch just wans toa mack

[Hmm. The rythym is REALLY off on the second line, and it looks as if even your fingers went on strike at the end of it. Bleah.]



Name: Genevieve

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
As a medical resident, I work in an environment where women are constantly told to "toughen up," and are expected to "handle things like a man." Even so, I am not willing to let go of my femininity.

[What does this mean? I do not think it means what you think it means.]

Though I refuse to put up with bullshit from unliberated nurses who are threatened by me, or chauvenistic old-school doctors who treat me like a cute little girl, I firmly believe that weeping with a patient or his/her family is not a sign of weakness.

[I don't find weeping to be solely feminine. I think your heart's in the right place, but your stereotypes are fucked.]

It is a sign of empathy. However, I do not have time or empathy for whiners, for victims,

[I think you mean perpetual or even self-styled victim. Certainly you are weeping with victims in your line of work.]

or for women who walk around with chips on their shoulders because they feel inadequate in a "man's world." Obviously, they don't truly believe that they are equals.

[Some of that starts with stereotyping female and male behavior. Men cry, too.]

One Liner:
You have not known pain until you have felt the sting of my acid tongue

[I'm sure a broken bone or two will trump that.]



Name: Robyn

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Although I am only 23, my short years of abundant dating

[You HAVE been a busy girl.]

have taught me to seek out the most important factors in a relationship-worthy mate.

[Oh, and I can't wait to see what they are for you.]

In laymen's terms,

[We're talking about DATING, not brain surgery. It's all laymen's terms. Lay men? Hmm.]

I know what I'm looking for, and that's communication. Sure, everyone claims they want a mate who can communicate effectively, but do they really understand the levels of good communication? I'm here to break it down into three easy-to-remember parts.

Conversation.

[Okay. I get it. Conversation and communication are key elements.]

To converse well exemplifies common language and interests.

[Well, not really. We can converse well and disagree. You want something different with your conversation that isn't automatically a part OF conversation. You want compatibility.]

Both parties can discuss topics relevant to each other's lives. They can amuse themselves as a pair of individuals with paralleled education and mental development. A couple can speak to one another at a level and commonality not always easy to find with the general public. Simply stated, two people who can comfortably talk is a good thing. I really can't imagine myself trying to speak intelligently to Bubba McDonald about pig castration or maintaining a conversation with Hitler without kicking his teeth in. I have to reciprocate some mutual interest and opinion.

[That's because you're an elitist swine. People from all walks of life can and do have very interesting opinions and conversation. One day you are going to embarrass yourself when you meet a farmer and you discount that person based on that fact.]

Cuddling.

Whether lying in bed, holding hands at a movie or thumb wrestling in public, I consider cuddling to be any physical reinforcement of comfort. Every individual has their own level of cuddling tolerance. Some people do not like to cuddle while sleeping yet others can't get through a night without their own life-sized teddy person. Don't ask me how these clingers can get past the film of sweat that develops between two naked bodies under the sheets. I bought a queen size bed for a reason, and it's not so I can peel myself off of a guy when I have to get up to pee. I do, however, like finding a close and comfortable lounging position on the couch when making it a Blockbuster night.. until my back hurts or his arm falls asleep and we have to retreat to separate corners of the couch to recoup from the stiff shoulders and knotted backs. We know that we enjoy physical closeness, but sometimes, no offense but I need my space.

[Yeah, yeah, you want intimacy. We all do.]

Coitus.

Oh, yes. I said it. Clinical though it may sound, coitus is a great way to display communication skills both in body language and with potty-mouthed directions.

[So you like to fuck. This is all you want in a mate? You want him to be able to talk, to fuck, and to hold you afterwards? The good news is that you're going to find someone to meet your goals easily. I wish you joy of the unemployed felon when you find him.]

It shows that you and your mate are working together toward a goal of pleasure. You're both interested in attaining it. You'll guide each other and remember what made your mate twitch.. in the good way. He'll note that shoving a weenie in the poop-chute isn't welcome, especially without lube. He'll remember that getting punched in the kidney for doing so really hurt that last time he tried it.

[Whatever happened to "Ouch" or "Don't fuck me in the ass"? Maybe I'm old-fashioned.]

Now that you know my three basic needs,

[Oh, so you don't need food or water or shelter. Mundane shit like that?]

let's see how I try fulfill them.

[You troll the bars, I reckon.]

I had just moved to a new city and there was a young man who lived in my vicinity who also has a fondness for draft cider, cartoons and air hockey. We met, we drank, we played and then we scromped.

[AAAAAAAGH. She's actually going to give me a STORY. I HATE stories. Otherwise, DAMN, you weren't kidding about your basic needs.]

His penis was adorned with a large Prince Albert ring. The captive bead ring he wore hurt me because he was the king of the weird angled entrance into my vagina..

[AAAAIIIIIEE!!! I don't want to hear about his bent penis or your wide open vagina. I never want to hear a sentence from a stranger that includes the words PENIS and VAGINA. AAARRRGGGH! I don't even KNOW you, and I know your fuck last week had a dick with an earring in it. EUW. Nasty. My corneas are SIZZLING. I wish I had Visine with sulfuric acid to erase this foul stain.]

and then he tried to pull the "WHOOPS!" when he was entering from behind. I quickly let him know that if his penis accidentally rammed my asshole like that again, he might not have a penis anymore. While his face was in my crotch, all I could feel was his breathing.. not any noticeable tongue movement. I gave verbal directions and guided him with my hands, but he still didn't get it.

[I really DON'T WANT TO KNOW. Really. Even if I knew you, I DON'T want to know about this.]

After a long, frustrating night of terrible sex, we fell asleep.. actually he did. I couldn't sleep because he was holding onto me for dear life as we braved the cold winter night in my over-heated apartment under three thick blankets (of which he needed every square inch to himself) and he nuzzled up to my neck, behind my ear, and snored like a chainsaw all night long.

[Why didn't you put him out after the terrible sex? See, this is what you get when you buy off the rack. Why on earth didn't you take the time to KNOW him? Get references? See if any OTHER women try him on for seconds? There's a reason he was available at the bar, and now you know why.]

The only saving grace this boy has going for him is his quick wit,

[You like quick, don't you?]

good looks and a penchant for Simpsons humor.

[Who doesn't like the Simpsons? Ever considered raising your standards? Seriously. Try raising them instead of your skirt.]

In one night, I knew he was not Mr. Right.. and so I moved on.

[You could have determined that without spreading for him.]

Being that I work in a restaurant, I meet and befriend all kinds of people..

[I wouldn't say that you're BEFRIENDING that person by bringing food.]

sometimes even attractive male people who give the world's best hugs (you know, the kind that make you feel warm and truly cared for).

[You feel "truly cared for" after a hug from some customer? Does "Histrionic" mean ANYTHING to you?]

One such person was befriended and often hugged. When I would sit with him at his table while waiting on he and his friends,

[Ugh. I hate the waitresses who sit with you.]

the boy and I would occasionally hold pinkies or rub our feet together. We didn't want to be obnoxious,

[Too late.]

but we had the unspoken hotts for each other.

[Did I pick up a copy of Briget Jones's Diary when I wasn't looking?]

One night, he came into my bar and invited me to come over and watch a movie when I got off from work at 4am. When I got to his house, we sat down on the couch, popped in the movie, and slowly went from our separate corners to lounging softly in each others arms and watching the movie. I made my usual sarcastic comments and he would give almost a forced chuckle.. as if he didn't quite get what was so funny.

[OR...consider this...he didn't find your sarcasm funny. Sarcasm is like seasoning. You don't want a steady diet of it.]

We made out, but his kiss was, again, forced. I wasn't sure if he was trying to head-butt me with his tongue or what. I felt a rise in his pants, so I thought I'd check it out. The whole time, I'm fully aware that I still reek of cigarettes and bar-funk because I've just pulled a 9 hour shift.

[That COULD be a turn off.]

I give him a little head (I stress little because he had 4" of fully erect wang) and when it came to my turn for some fun, he said that he had to wake up early in the morning and it would have to wait until another day when I didn't smell like a bar.

[You should have set the terms of the agreement before sealing the deal. Don't dare to impugn his honor. You failed to specify that you would be getting equal treatment. Also consider the fact that you're probably well known as the girl to see when you need a quick one. It comes with the turf. Have fun with your sexuality, but don't complain when it comes back to haunt you.]

So, you can see, I've met Mr. Conversation and Mr. Cuddles, but Mr. Coitus has yet to be found. Some folks seek one perfect person, I guess I'll have to settle for three men who specialize in perfecting their one asset.

[Why don't you just take the time to SELECT a better one. Get to know him for more than an hour or two? I got some more "C" words for you. Contraception. Case of VD. Cipro. Clinic. Chlamydia.]

One Liner:
I don't waste my time with something that can't contribute to my happiness. Maybe it makes me guarded and assertive or heartless and bitchy, word it however you prefer.

[You sure don't waste time. You move as though life sends you a bill.]



Name: jeb

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Don't call me a heartless bitch.

[Deal.]

Decide if I make the political cut or not, because I'd like to discuss ideas on your members' only board.

[You can stay the hell out of our board, mister.]

I like your attitude, but a "heartless bitch" is a stupid name for a guy.

[On the other hand, it would be worth it to see you taken to task for saying such a stupid thing. That gives me an idea....]

Call me "fellow human being with attitude" or something.

[I won't call you at all.]

As for making your cut - here's my rant of the day...

[I didn't ask for a rant. We asked for reasoning.]

I've decided that politesse & patience are not rights, but should be earned.

[Ah, but this means that you shouldn't receive any patience when you need it, and EVERY person will require patience from another.]

This decision liberates me from the guilt I was raised to feel when I become angry with...

[Why do you feel guilty for being angry?]

- women who've learned to act dumb to please society

[This should never inspire guilty anger. Not even pity.]

- men who've never learned to act otherwise

[Otherwise? Compared to what? Don't presume we're on the same stereotyped page.]

- anyone who refuses to put themselves and their opinions in question. If I can do it, so can you.

[Maybe I don't need to. Ever consider that? Okay, you're right. Challenging yourself IS a good thing, but I can't see how it requires a guilt-anger reflex.]

- those who follow a 'spiritual path', but who can't find their way across the street.

[You're missing out. Give me the "otherworldly" religieuse every time. I truly love people who are devoted to their faith to the extent that they live that faith in this way. You can keep your secular practitioners. They lack the courage.]

- Those who embrace 'new-age' ideas of liberation, peace, and understanding, but are primarily motivated by the desire to separate themselves from the rest of us

[Don't like being the subject of their inferiority complex? I say, "who cares about either of you."

- the common mass of humanity. It's PC one-upsmanship, creating a new 'in-crowd' just to be 'in' themselves.

[Hmm. I'm wondering who REALLY has the complex here.]

- ANYONE who sees 'liberation' as applying only, or first, to their particular interest group. Sorry, but reversing intolerance, hatred, and repression back only continues the cycle. It's tough work to follow Gandhi or MLK on the real path, eh? Tell me about it.

[What are you talking about here?]

One Liner:
Self-righteous intolerance is just as evil coming from a left-wing asshole as from a fascist asshole. The fight starts inside, with our own prejudice, every morning. Create the high standard with yourself, then apply it to those in your community. Kick ass as necessary.

[Ironically, he's writing in from France…er, I mean FREEDOM.]





Copyright© Heartless Bitches International (heartless-bitches.com) 1999
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