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1999-2001
Weak of the Week
The best of the worst M ship Applications

For the Week of August 24, 2003
edited by Jadesyren



[For Bonnie, who always thought I was funny, even when I wasn't.]

Name: kelly

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i come first.. in everything and then once i am taken care of then the rest falls into place nicely.

[The world just revolves around you. Probably because your ass is that big.]

it takes the men/women in my life a while to catch on. but once they do then that are happy to. there are two kellys that work my shift. i am the evil kelly.

[Evil? Only if you define evil by selfishness.]

but i am also the one that the doctors respect, fear and ask advice from.

[Sure, maybe if it's how to fax or copy, but I just can't see a doctor asking for any advice...especially from someone as dimwitted as you appear to be.]

AND the patient families have no problem coming up to the desk and asking for "evil".

[Why should they? I'm just surprised that you manage to stay employed with your "evil" reputation. You certainly couldn't work for me like that.]

they may fear me, but they respect me and know i get the job done coz i dont put up with the BS or dish out fluffy stuff to get what i need.. I have NO enemies at work coz i had them all fired..

[Or they quit. People like you are just plain bad news.]

Did I mention I am vendictive and in some hositals my exploits are legend? for more info please email me. its a great story... one i am exceptionally proud of.

[No. I hate stories. I especially hate legends. Especially those in your own mind. Unless you're Typhoid Mary...now THERE'S a legend for you. Go be a nuisance somewhere else.]

One Liner:
I am direct, cut to the chase, fear no man/woman when i know that i am right ( which is usually all the time) I am respected and feared and loved everyone i work and play with AND have the title of being the coolest mom

[This is a big, fat, hairy so what.]



Name: Jean

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Well... I filled out an application, the LEAST you could do is DECLINE it!

[That IS the least I do. What you seem to be after is some kind of official notice that you were declined. Consider that request granted.]

I am a heartless bitch!!

["I am, I am, I AM! REALLY! I'm NOT kidding! I'll just hold my breath until you accept me."]

I don't know ONE person who is MORE heartless then I.

[I know about a truckload who are more heartless than you. I've rejected people more heartless than you.]

The FUNNY thing about it is that men LOVE me.

[That's important, too!]

Not only am I a heartless bitch, I am a heartless bitch with MONEY. I have a bad ass house, the new 350-z convertible, an Xterra, and I got it all for FREE.

[You must have clipped a lot of coupons. I groan to think of what you traded otherwise.]

You know what?? Call me Pimptress Heartless Bitch. Do I fuck for it?

[You really should have started this application with "Once upon a time."

Nope. I have been with the same man for 5 years who owns a major company.

[I thought you said that you didn't fuck for it.]

(he was my boss, and no he is not old) So what do I do? I go out Friday and Saturday nights, and get my groove on. I FLOW with cash yet have every man in the bar bow down and offer me the world.

[That probably shouldn't read "yet." Maybe you meant "and." Crucial conjuction there.]

I practically make men cum in their pants on the dance floor. Not only am I a Pimptress Heartless Bitch.... I am a Pimptress, Heartless, Full of Cash, Sexy, Smart, BITCH. And I am fucken proud.

[Yup, on a scale from crack whore to supermodel, you probably come in around Vegas showgirl.]

I'll tell you that you have NO chance with me, and you will STILL fall in love with me. Shit if I could fuck myself I would, for I am the best at everything I do.

[Hell, don't wait for MY permission. Go fuck yourself.]

You know what I think of my best friend? I think she is a whore, I think she is dumber than shit, and an idiot.

[Birds of a feather.]

The only thing she is good for is back up in case of a fight. Do I fight?? Nope. I could beat the shit out of someone if that is what I wanted to do...

[Oh, don't tempt me.]

but I can litirally verbaly RAPE your ass. Doing this is my prefered way of beating the shit out of you. I'll beat the shit out of your mind.

[This reads like you beat the shit of your own. I hope your verbal raping skills are better than your spelling. I would think it's required for LITERALLY VERBALLY raping someone. Otherwise you'd be like the rapist who gets his dick caught in his fly.]

Why am I heartless?? Cause I am SOOOO sick of people hanging with me then ending up trying to BE like me. So all of you who are out there who were X

[Were ex-friends? Aren't they STILL off your friend list?]

friends of mine.... FUCK OFF. (and yes, I will say that to your face too.)

[Then do it. Don't write about it here.]

Learn from me...

[You're the one with that black bar over her eyes in the "Don't" section.]

for I know what is right for every situation. I am a Goddess. I am song. If your gay..... i'll turn your ass straight. :P

["Then the fairy came down and banished the annoying little applicant to the island of a thousand paddles. And they all lived happily ever after."]

One Liner:
I'll love you....I'll dance with you soooo sexy until you need to go home and change. When you get back, I will be on my way home to my man.

[Usually women like you have pretty dismal and gruesome fates.]



Name: Tammy

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I am ruthless and I hurt everyone around me

[True. I find you painful.]

One Liner:
.

[All that comes to my mind are wretched period jokes.]



Name: Keith

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I don't need a reason to be me. Anybody who thinks there is a reason for their attitude is missing the point.

[So what IS the point? Random snottiness? Rudeness without remorse? No, there is a REASON for our attitudes because we ACT instead of REACTING. Ya dig?]

Not a "nice guy", not a "jerk." Just Keith, thank you.

[Now you're Just Rejected. Good bye.]

One Liner:
Mousey women are boring, passive-aggressive, man-hating, sexual duds.

[Do I detect an aspersion? I believe I do.]



Name: Ariel

UserID : ih8pplalot

[Sometimes you just get a feeling about some applications.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Even though I'm 13 (hateful, dispicable age)

[It's not the age, it's the cretin.]

I have a severe intolerance for pretty much everything. I'm not just saying this in the position of an angsty teenager, because I'm not.

[When you announce that you aren't an angsty teen, and I've never accused you of it, do you think that makes this assertation of yours true or false?]

I can't stand boys who think they're men because they can jack-off.

[Welcome to puberty.]

Kids make me feel extreme homicidal tendencies. I can't stand people bugging me for my differences. I can't help the fact they the piss me off. I do have a habit of kicking people in their nether regions, and then I normally walk away and laugh.

[The sad thing is that most teens don't grow out of this.]

If you don't accept me as a Hearltess Bitch, I just might have to shove my heartless bitchy foot up your clique-y, unappreciative asses.

[You think we don't get enough teen angst? You think I should appreciate your "hate the world" motif?]

One Liner:
Time Flies when you're having fun. And this is about as much fun as I can stand. I invented cold-fusion, may I please stick it in your ass for a test run?

[Nice to see that the schoolyard hasn't changed. Ah, some things never die.]



Name: Simon

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm a grad student at a new england university focusing on Nietzche's works. I preach what I study, and I practice what I preach. I'm a very energetic guy and pretty unique in all my little quirks. So whenever I move past the initial bullshitting stage with a woman, she falls for me pretty fast and hard.

[Just like your love life.]

But I've had the bad luck the past few years of always having women fall in love with me who don't challenge me, who don't poke at my weaknesses and so provide room for my own growth.

[That's not bad luck, Simon. That's poor selection.]

Somewhat self-centered? Of course. Masochistic? I say I'm just a good Nietzchian, looking for that opportunity to grow with someone that only comes when that someone puts a little salt of suffering on that big sweet margarita glass. And if she doesn't, well I'm doing her a favor when I turn her out. The harder and more painful the break off is, the more the strength she'll eventually build within herself to overcome the suffering.

[You pride yourself in being the guy she has to get over, do you? Simon, you're not even the FIRST asshole who has written to us to tell us that he's not a asshole, he's just into Nietzsche. You seem to be patterned after the Marquis de Sade, minus the tortured depravity. You're just a shallow imitation.]

One Liner:
Trust me baby, this hurts me a lot more than it hurts you.

[It SHOULD hurt you. Your indifferent cruelty should cause you blinding pain.]



Name: SilverMoon

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I lead a group a women. Our stated goal has been to make "bitches" out of women. To us "bitch" means "babe in total control of herself." We love our men, but don't put up with any "red-neck" stuff from them.

[You think you can lay down this racial epithet and gain admittance? Fuck right off.]

I am in a polyamorous marriage (one man, two women) and we treat each other as equals. I taught my husband that "women are better" a long time ago.

[Make up your mind. There's no such thing as more equal than you.]

One Liner:
I believe that most women are stronger than most men -- if they allow themselves to be. I don't put up with weak, simpy women. If those women can't change, they don't stay here.

[Hell, they're not even welcome in the door here.]



Name: Kathy

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Over the course of my life I have found that to qoute a movie that I love. "Being a bitch sometimes is the only thing a woman can hang on to.I tried to be demour.

[Demour? Oh...demure. I get it.]

Ha, Ha, door mat I am not. I have found that for a woman to make it in this world she has to work and be smarter than a man. Not a difficult task at all. I have been in careers that were mainly for men and it was not that tough.Army is one of them. While in I learned to fine tone my skills of being a bitch.Now I own and operae my own 18 wheeler. I take know shit of the males. Why should I when I know I an better.My favorite expression is "My way or the highway! My EX told me that.

[I thought it would be from ANOTHER movie you loved. Maybe it was a movie HE loved.]

Hey it turned out to be good advice. Lady Trucker I am.

[Uh, yeah. I guess.]

One Liner:
I love me to much to put up with idiots.

["Take the train."]





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