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1999-2001
Weak of the Week
The best of the worst M ship Applications

For the Week of July 6, 2003
edited by Jadesyren



Name: Lesley

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I recently awoke the bitch inside after a two-year nap. The rest was well-deserved and necessary to become a heartless bitch yet again.

[There is no rest for the Heartless.]

For your consideration, my classic bitch moments include dumping men in front of an audience and these classic quotes:

[Classic? Jurassic, maybe. I had a friend who used to dump someone in a crowd. He said that it was the easiest way to make sure that she didn't beg you to stay. He said that the pride factor would kick in, and she'd say things like, "Good, I didn't want your ass anyway." He used to break the local fairground's rides when he was on them, too. He'd get in the one that gave you an aerial view, and he'd start rocking it to make it loose. It was a fairly old ride. We didn't love ol' Randy for his smarts.]

to unattractive male friend: "Dude, your standards are just way too high."

[This is questionable. Look at his standards in friendship.]

to (former) boss in Initech-type office environment: "It is all I can do to keep myself from jumping across this desk and strangling the life out of you."

[Did he become a former boss after you said that?]

to overweight friend: "Yes, those pants are too small. I think you've outgrown the Gap."

[I'd estimate that about 40% of my applications all mention that "does this make me look fat" question or a derivative. Snore.]

to ex-boyfriend: "Anal sex is a gay act and you're a fag."

[You only say that because you've never had any. Can't you say that you're not interested?]

to a different ex-boyfriend: "Of course I love the cat more than you. I don't love you. DUH!"

[Be honest. There's no room for anyone in your heart besides you.]

Of course, these bitch moments have become less frequent since discontinuing the Zoloft, but I still have the thoughts!

[Doesn't surprise me that you're on medication.]

My recent bitch moments have involved moments such as gleefully escorting my dates to the driveway on Sunday mornings when the neighbors and their children are heading for church; never the same car twice!

[You really think that the neighborhood watches who you're fucking?]

Though, in all honesty, this is a rare occasion as I prefer not to spend overnights with anyone in the bed but the cat. I am also getting back on the bitch track by flirting with men I'm not attracted to and, of course, speaking in a condescending and/or rude tone to the vast majority of people,

[You're one of THOSE people. Rude for no reason and no purpose. Grow up. Cattiness is very, very dull.]

save for close friends and those who have some power over the funds in my bank account.

[Your parents? Your Johns?]

I have also de-friended several of my anti-bitch friends: men who treat women like commodities and women who accept that treatment from men.

[Does your hypocrisy ever get to you?]

I prefer to limit my social life

[I think it gets limited for you.]

to other heartless bitches or those who are reasonably well-adjusted non-whiners who can have intelligent conversations.

[As if anyone could hold an intelligent conversation with someone who gets her kicks from talking down to the random.]

Lastly, I would like to point out that I do not hate men;

[Why? Why does that need to be pointed out? You think it's not painfully obvious that you dig men? You think we don't like them? You think there are no male members?]

I love them--all kinds of men. I have more male friends than female friends and even my cat is male. They all make great playmates and I enjoy them all thoroughly.

[Of course you have more males in your life. You don't have a relationship for the sake of a relationship.]

One Liner:
I'm not gay; I'm choosy.

[Nah, you're just stupid.]



[From the mailbox]

From: L. Yo

Subject: I'm not that Bitch...I'm that otha Bitch

Dear Fellow bitches, First I would like to let you know that there is a new bitch in town.

[Tell that new bitch to hurry up and apply.]

I am not the typical person that would call themsekves a bitch.

[Are you sure? You ARE starting to feel like a CERTAIN type of bitch to me.]

And that is a little white girl who is sexually deprived, and needs a man.

[That isn't a bitch at all. What are YOU talking about?]

I am an African American male. I am not a faggot.

[Ah. You're a prison bitch, traded for a pack of smokes, and forced to suck toenails and toss salad.]

I love the ladies..and the bitches too.

[That's what ALL you prison bitches say.]

But I am starting a New era of bitches. The Male Bitch.

[Shit, that ain't new at all. Ask your cellmate.]

So all of you women who use your tactics to get your way prepare to be destroyed. I take no prisioners.

[Because you are one?]

No woman is to be spared. Now I know u are thinkin that I must hate women,

[No. I'm wondering how much time you get on the internet, and I'm wondering if you know how stupid you really are.]

but men aint shit either.

[Not if you're an accurate example. (You're not.)]

I don't dislike peopel because of their race, gender, weight, sexual preference. I dislike people because they are....well...themselves. Much love to all my bitches....and to all the guys who have your shit together.....come on and join me.

[Why would they want anything to do with you? Isn't that the warden?]





Copyright© Heartless Bitches International (heartless-bitches.com) 1999
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