Name: Shreen

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Recently I got bored of my full head of hair, so I shaved it off.

[Yeah, I know just how boring having hair like other homo sapiens can be.]

If anyone is interested in obtaining the scariest look for mininal hassle, shave your head.

[At least she admits that she's doing this for shock value.]

You get to frighten small children and old men alike. How fucking cool is that?

[I'll bet it's REALLY cool in the summer. Daft--er, DRAFTY even.]

One Liner:
Let the idiots spend half their lives applying mascara and preening their hair.

[When birds preen to the extent that they pluck themselves bald, it could be a sign of neurosis. I wonder if that holds true for humans.]

It gives me a headstart on my knife sharpening hobby.

[You find hair boring, but you have a hobby that is so repetitious that it could induce carpal tunnel syndrome?]

Name: Mr Fucking Wood to you, right?

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Fuck off. Why should I tell you?

[Because it's the only way to get in.]

I just am, right?

[Oh, you're a LOT of things. Right now, you're choking.]

What's it to you anyways?

[The question is what's it to YOU. If you wanna join, you'll have to compose a decent essay.]

One Liner:
Not giving a s**t if you feel sorry for yourself. I'm too fucking fabulous to put up with your whining. Whiney.

[I can see you've got that rapier wit. I wouldn't have thought of calling a whiner, "Whiney." Brillance!]

Name: Susan

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
even though hundreds of people apply to this site every day, I'm hoping that in your attempst to rip me apart you will bite down hard on my inner, hedgehog-like undercoating.

[You've got to work out a little more to turn this marshmallow fluff into something requiring teeth to chew.]

I'm a heartless bitch because I work at a very high-class nursing home where I am forced to appease the stuck up,

[You're NOT forced. If you don't like the job, FIND ANOTHER.]

my-mother-deserves-the-best-you-can-give-so-drop-everything-and-work-for-your-money-dammit, families of the sweet people that live there. When the familes come in and expect me to wait on THEM (forget the actual residents),

[Well, IS this in your job description?]

i smile graciously and tell them where the kitchen is. But being a heartless bitch is more than pissing off the ignorant!

[So much more that you're not even in the ball park.]

As a heartless bitch i read to the eldery people i work with and make art with them so that they don't have to sit around and watch television all day. I realize that sometimes one must appear to concede so as to serve a greater good.

[Concede? It's your fucking job.]

It is ok to take someone's shit

[Take, clean up, wipe, and dispose of--that's what you do in a nursing home. Don't like it? Hit the want ads.]

and it's important to know when to speak up. Let's face it, most people can't hear anyways. Tact is the essential element for survival.

[And smarts. Don't forget them.]

One Liner:
I once put a block of lard into the toilet of a KF-Taco-Hut.

[You think I'd find vandalism cute?]

Name: Amanda

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i refuse to become one of the goodgirls i refuse to put up with the constant stereotyping i recieve at school. i petitioned my school this year because they will not stop the constant harrasment i recieve for being a dyke, using section 28 as a pathetic shelter. i'm 15 and i dont really know loads of fancy words to impress you with my intellect but if your worth joining you wont judge me on that anyway,

[Being intelligent is more than just the use of five-dollar words. You would better demonstate your intelligence by NOT blaming your age for your lack of vocabulary.]

instead just know that i deserve this. I dont by into to the idea

[Psychically I'm supposed to just intuit your worth? If you can't express it, then I can't perceive it.]

that i should try and be pretty so some prince charming can take care of me, i'm going to achieve my dreams on my own and i dont care if there not seen as acceptable-there mine.

[I can't take your dreams away anyway, unless you dream of membership.]

I'm a heartless bitch already at the age of 15 and i should be allowd to join cause i want to and it wont it exactly break my heart if you dont because i dont have one.

[Keep trying. One day you'll convince me.]

One Liner:
You'll never break my heart because i dont have one.

[Sure you do. We all do. It's an expression.]

Name: DEBRAH

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
MY INTOLERANCE FOR NONSENSE. I'M ALONE A LOT BECAUSE OF IT, BUT I DON'T EVER HAVE THE LACK OF OPPORTUNITIES. PEOPLE SEEM DRAWN TO MY STRENGTH AND INTELLIGENCE. THANK GOD FOR THESE GIFTS, CUZ WITHOUT THEM LIFE WOULD BE REALLY DREARY. I CALL THINGS AS I SEE THEM, WITHOUT HAVING TO SEARCH THROUGH HINTS AND NUANCES. IF SOMETHING DOESN'T SEEM QUITE RIGHT TO ME, I'LL WORRY ABOUT IT UNTIL I IT MAKES SOME KIND OF SENSE TO ME. THEREFORE, LIES ARE ESPECIALLY UNWORTHY. EVER NOTICE HOW LIES HARDLY EVER MAKE SENSE?

[This is true when you have a stupid liar. GOOD liars can even convince themselves.]

I'M VERY PROUD OF MY FEMININITY, BUT AM EVEN MORE PROUD OF MY CAPABILITY. I CAN OUTRIDE, OUTFIX, OUTHUNT, AND OUTMANUEVER MOST MEN. I LIKE TO DRESS SEXY, BUT AM REAL TIRED OF HEARING THE NASTY RUMOURS ABOUT ME EARNING A LIVING AS A "PROFESSIONAL". OK, I MAY DRESS LIKE A HOOKER, BUT THEY GOT THE STYLE FROM ME!

[Not unless you're several thousand years old.]

DRESS LIKE A MOMMY? I WOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN TO BE A MOMMY UNLESS I WAS DRESSED LIKE THIS! MY

[You're saying that you dressed like an easy lay, then liquored him into coyote ugly paternity?]

MARRIAGE BROKE UP BECAUSE OF MY "X"s TEMPER. WHY, WHEN THERE ARE SO VERY MANY PEOPLE OUT IN THE WORLD READY TO FIGHT US FOR SOMETHING, SHOULD I CONSENT TO HIS CONSTANT "FIGHTING AMONGST OURSELVES?" I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO, EVEN IF I AM ALONE. BUT SINCE MY "X" WAS PRETTY GOOD AT "SOME" THINGS, AND I NEVER WOULD ALLOW MYSELF TO SETTLE FOR SOMEONE LESS TALENTED, I'M WAITING FOR SUPERMAN TO COME AROUND. ANYBODY SEEN HIM LATELY?

[Surely your clothes would attract him. Stand on the corner and wait.]

One Liner:
GET OVER IT OR I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!

[Like her wardrobe.]

Name: David

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I am a heartless bitch because after dating many men, I have found how horrible my "gender" really is.

[David, it's not your gender, it's your TASTE. Start picking from a different set of standards.]

In trying to fit in with his standards,

[First mistake. You shouldn't have to fit in with his standards. You shouldn't make him conform to yours, either. If you don't mesh, go back and look for a better fit.]

I am using used as some tool for his amusement and never as a person.

[This is heartbreaking, Dave. Stop putting yourself on the discount rack. If you keep marking yourself down, people won't see the value for the sale. Know your worth, and never settle for less.]

Sex is most of time a form of submitting, never censual, which boarders whether or not it is "philosophically" rape. Most men look for prostitutes, not persons.

[No. You are not the rarity, the unique little treasure among men. You keep slumming around, hoping that one of these louts will appreciate the little gem they found. No. This never happens. They are louts for reasons. Go look for gem collectors, not trash collectors. They never know the difference anyway. If you think that your sexual encounters feel like a rape, then you have issues that you must deal with, and I mean RIGHT NOW. Go before I start mocking you. This ain't that kind of column.]

One Liner:
"Kyle, if you don't get your hands off me, a little piece of you will be on the floor."

[Who the fuck is Kyle?]

Name: Megan

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm a Heartless Bitch because I don't like to associate with people who act stupid because they're too lazy to think, or people who actually are stupid. I don't give in and act like other females in my age group who will laugh at every word a boy says. One thing I excell at is not listening to others.

[One of these days you'll miss out on the important messages. "The school's on fire." "You've got tissue on your shoe." ]

When I want, I can zone out of a conversation, and spend my time thinking about something that actually matters. I occassionally reply with "mmm hmm," or "yeah" to give the impression that I am paying attention, and not appear to be rude.

[But this IS rude. Who cares about appearance? If you're not going to listen, then don't, but don't pretend because you can't figure out how to tell them that you're not interested.]

One Liner:
Stop complaining about your life, you're wasting my air. Thanks.

[This is a rejected episode of "Teen Girl Squad."]