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1999-2001
Weak of the Week
The best of the worst M ship Applications

For the Week of February 2, 2003
edited by Jadesyren



Name: Amy

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
It's a job requirement. I'm a unix sysadmin. I would have been eaten alive by clueless users years ago if I weren't a Heartless Bitch.

[Annoyed, yes. Eaten alive? Hardly. In your estimation, those clueless users would have to be given instructions printed on the bottom of their soles to pour piss out of their boots, right?]

My boss, in fact, calls me the Daemon Bitch Goddess.

[What does he call you when he's not hitting on you?]

My most common (paraphrased) conversation with users goes like this - user: "Amy, I can't find my butt" me: "Have you tried sitting on your thumbs?"

[Picking on people who call a helpdesk is much like taking candy from babies. Where's the challenge?]

I stopped taking guff years ago. People respect that. Hell, *I* respect that. It makes it easier to sleep at night when you don't have to think of all the things you could have said (because you already said them.)

[Imagine the sleep you get when you do the RIGHT thing.]

One Liner:
I don't care what your problem is. Go away.

[If people didn't have problems, you wouldn't have a paycheck.]



Name: Leslie

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I want to slap one of my floormates when she continues to whine about the same dumn ass guys who use her when she is drunk, yet she continues to drink and haev one night stands.

[If she didn't, who would you have to make you feel superior?]

It makes me want to vomit when my prissy friend dressed like a hooch to get mail attention.

[All she'd need to do is get an AOL account. She'd have all the mail she needed.]

I would like to kick my so-called-friend for being so jealous of my brains.

[She must be stunningly stupid if that is true.]

One Liner:
As opposed to a dumb-ass bitch, I am a smart-ass bitch.

[You're just an ass.]



Name: Kitten Blade

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

[Space for rent.]

One Liner:
I am thee Bitch. Dumbed by my friends

[They are likely dumbed by you as well.]



Name: Mikan

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I am the propriotor of a prostitution ring that strives in each and every way to break up marriages with the man as the sole breadwinner for his wife and many hungry, needy children. It's a form of population control I particularly enjoy, because poor and/or minority people are stupid and useless and all their children should die horrible, painful deaths from lack of food and shelter.

[Your plan is too long ranged. Why not just hire the prostitutes to assassinate the poor? As long as we're being asinine about the situation....]

One Liner:
Just Drop Dead Already

[Sounds like you had a really rotten break-up.]



Name: Emmy

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Where to begin?

[The relevant beginning, perhaps?]

Well, I suppose my beautiful site should explain a lot of it, though...okay.

[You're right. It's a typical teen site, so it explains a lot.]

Right. I'm young but very, very bitchy. Grounded every other week, hiding in my room from my wrathful mother and idiotic brother. I'm what you'd call a goth at school,

[Here we go. Take some advice. Give up the goth scene. I will say that at least you're young enough not to know any better.]

which allows me to recieve unlimited ridicule, that of course, is retaliated to quite promptly.

[Aren't there easier ways to pick a fight?]

I cannot tolerate stupidity. It's not your race, gender, or sexual orientation that makes you a bad person. It's your

[Gothic tendencies?]

work-ethic and intelligence. I find those to be lacking in my peer-group.

[They are commonly lacking in ANY peer-group.]

I have a varied collection of mutilated Valentine's commercialism attached to my things and my

[Don't you have a hobby?]

person right now. My antisocial cat (formerly, cats) adores me because our personalities are very well-matched (and I lovingly stroke him for hours at a time).

[Doesn't sound anti-social to me.]

Nan's (my great aunt) puppy, however, tends to run and hide when I come around. I'm not that bad, am I?

[It's probably your deodorant.]

One Liner:
Shut up and die already. You're wasting resources and space by just standing there. Look at you, breathing! Inhaling our oxygen!

[Could be worse. I could be whining about my family.]



Name: Rachel

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I came off a split from my boyfriend of roughly six months. We met online after I started

[You didn't just MEET online. The whole relationship was online. Let that be a lesson to you. NEVER LINK YOUR DIARY.]

talking with him in a webcomic forum. He was good at the time, and quite friendly, but he started courting me. We split once before from his lack of satisfaction,

[You really can't get satisfaction cybering. It was doomed. I know that this will spawn some lengthy "Jade, you don't know what you're talking about" letters. Let's just say that it's hard enough to make a relationship work in the flesh. I am aware that meeting people online can be successful, too. There is a point in which the people MUST MEET, or it will just dissolve. This is what happened here.]

but got back together a month later. I considered him my first true boyfriend, if only because I had more effort into my schoolwork, arts, novels, etc. than I did in hopping from one man to the next in hopes of vindication.

[I don't know that you should worry about spending this much time worrying about your cyber-partner. There are HUNDREDS--THOUSANDS--more where that came from.]

The recent split was more than just a lack of interest, and I was having doubts about the breakup. Worse yet, I was concerned that I would turn into one of the relationship-hoppers.

[That's the beauty of a virtual relationship.]

My friend, a fellow Heartless Bitch ,

[It won't do you any good to get a referral here.]

led me to the section on 'Nice Guys' and helped me see my boyfriend for what he was - an

[While I am usually overall pleased with the response we get on the "Nice Guy" section, either from women who realize that they are with an ass, or from men who realize that they are being used, and learn to put a stop to that. This case is neither. It's time you took a LONG, HARD look at the underside of this whole relationship, Rachel, and truly considered YOUR PART in your own continued heartache.]

insecure dreamer who put me on a pedestal and considered himself the "luckiest guy on earth" and that he "didn't deserve me" because "I was so perfect". Those are his words, not mine. Being a

[Rachel, he was a cyber buddy. You can church that up all you like, but he was basically giving you an exit line. Go gracefully.]

bitch ignorant in the traits of nice guys, I thought I had fallen in love with a great man. I see that while he had a few good points, he wasn't worth keeping.

[Great guy? Aren't you talking about the same guy who "cheated" on you? Do you realize that you're lamenting a guy who cybered with another, and you're calling that cheating on you?]

I knew the site for a while, and while I had several bitchlike qualities, I never felt that I had a good reason to deem myself an HB. Now I do.

[A broken heart is not a good reason.]

I never stopped working on the things that I knew would serve me well - my studies, my arts, and my writing. I plan to keep working on them. My romantic interlude changed only one thing about me - it turned me into a Heartless Bitch. I have every intention of staying that way.

[Why can't it turn you into a wiser person?]

One Liner:
The definition of nice is 'trivial'. No wonder nice guys finish last.

[Thank you for not getting the rants, and for using them to justify your self-pity. Way to go.]



Name: natalie

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i am tired of men treating women like under class-men and being so sexually rude with women and thinking it's o.k. or that it's flirting.

[If you don't like it, stop going home with them.]

I'm also sick of you tired ass women whining about how men are assholes when your the ones picking the assholes.

[There IS life on her planet.]

Of course men are assholes . What's your I.Q.

[I think yours is in question here.]

Women have all the power when it comes to picking mates and if they don't then they need a lesson in dating or maybe women-hood. Women used to have something over men.

[It's pussy power. Isn't that what you're saying?]

they had race,

[Race? A race of women?]

elegance,dignity,self-respect,a higher level of excistence,pride,honor,and most of all the respect and admiration of the men who actually mattered. nice job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[What fictitious time are you talking about?]

One Liner:
men are assholes and women are stupid or/and (ignorant,blind,settling).

[Don't you want to talk about something more important than dating?]



Name: Alison

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Well, apparently I am a heartless bitch because I am a Witch - yes, I said "a Witch".

[Surely you don't think that we'd find this shocking. Not the relevation that you're a witch, right? You can't possibly think that you're the first, or even one of the first hundred thousand? However, you are an example of my FAVORITE type of pagan...the persecuted.]

..and I VOTE! (WELL DONE, SISTER SUFFRAGETTE!!!) What does that mean exactly,

[Zilch, although I could go with a couple of educated guesses.]

aside from the fact that I have a joyous perspective of life and (contary to popular belief), have neither the NEED, nor DESIRE to be "converted" or "saved"?

[I do. Right now. I need to be saved from this newbie fledgling wiccan/pagan conversation. HELP. Next thing she'll do is claim to be in the bible belt--(aren't they all?)]

Well...that I have "soap-boxes" - too many to number. From the regilious stand point, it means I (personally) espouse a regilious ideology,

[AAAAHHH. She's going to explain it. Even if this wasn't a new concept to America, and even if it wasn't a new concept to FEMINISM, and even if she didn't do enough of her own homework to see how many members already share her faith, she's GOT TO KNOW THAT I HAVE THE INTERNET AT MY FINGERTIPS. I can look it up for myself.]

not accepted by "main-stream" society,

[You little rebel, you.]

that embraces the feminine aspect of the Divine...without

[Ironically, Catholicism gets heat for doing this, too, in their own way.]

diminishing the masculine aspect - which of course, puts me at odds with all the "Dianics" out there. (The

[Trust me. You bore the shit out of Dianics, not to mention that there are some sects of Dianics who practice much like you. Confusing? You bet, but you've got to do your own homework around here.]

"Goddess only" worshippers, or "Matriarchal rule" mind set). But it's really much more than just that. What "I am" is a well-educated environmentalist, wife, and mother, who is painfully aware of the full scale of atrocities being committed by corporations and our government, in the

[Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now go and bake some moon cookies, and put blessing on the clothes you donate to those war-torn countries, while you perform binding spells on politicians. *Big fucking yawn.*]

twisted names of "Progress, Freedom, and Security"! I firmly believe in a woman's right to choose to control her own reproductive organs - and that, obiviously, makes me Pat Robert666son's worst fucking nightmare!

[How do YOU know what his biggest nightmare is? I'd imagine that it's not the radicals or crazies, but it would be filing for bankruptcy from need, and not as a financing strategy...that or having the government start taxing churches.]

(That, being able to fill-out my own bra,

[Titties will not be the stuff of nightmares for him.]

and the voting...) But contary to what "Patsy" would have you believe...I am not busy planning to over-throw our government,

[No. You can't even organize your thoughts.]

or killing babies, or leaving my husband, or praticing lesbianism - even though I do, indeed, pratice Witchcraft. But just because I am a "Craft pratitioner" does not, in any way, mean that I "worship Satan"!!!

[Oh good grief. Who on earth said you did. You're losing this shadow-boxing match. Rope-a-dope.]

I DON'T EVEN BELIEVE IN SATAN! "Satan", in my opinion, is an excuse and a threat. He's the excuse some people use for behaving heinously towards others ("the Devil made me do it"), and

[I remember when witches used to research and study Christianity, and it was really challenging to argue with them.]

he's a threat used to control the actions of children ("if you're bad you'll go to hell to live with *Satan*"). Give me a break! Here's an idea! How about taking complete fucking responsibility for your own actions once in a while! And while I'm at it, I really don't give a fat-happy-rat's-ass about YOUR lovelife (or lack there of),

[And who cares about your religious affiliation?]

nor do I wish to instruct you in how to create a voodoo doll to "zap" your (boss, husband, boy/girlfriend...fill in the blank)! If you feel your life sucks - you are probably right, so I suggest you get off your ass and do something...ANYTHING(!)..about it! We all have problems! The biggest difference between yours and mine (aside from the spelling) is that I will take an active part in fixing mine!!! That's enough...I'm done.

[And not a moment too soon.]

One Liner:
The truth only hurts when it HAS to.

[How often do you get to deal with the truth? It hurts. So does thinking, apparently. Talking to you was particulary painful.]





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