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1999-2001
Weak of the Week
The best of the worst M ship Applications

For the Week of January 26, 2003
edited by



Name: Christine

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
The last time he accused me of screwing around I told him Yes I do enjoy sex and look forward to having it again. With who I don't know, I only know that it won't be with you. I smiled and walked away while he stood there speechless.

[If that was the way that you felt, don't you think you should have broken up with him, and THEN started that fucking spree?]

One Liner:
I'm not stupid. Its either be a heartless bitch (who is happy and healthy) or wear my heart on my sleeve and be fine Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, & Emotional.

[In that case, I'd say that you were FINE.]



Name: Andi

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I am not a man-hater, I've even loved a few, and each one has made me a wiser woman because of it!

Top 10 Reason's I'm a Heartless Bitch

[Stand by for major suckage.]

10. I'll give a guy the wrong phone number if I'm not interested, and laugh about it later with my girlfriends.

[Yeah, Whoo-hoo. "Guess what? I sure pulled the wool over his eyes. He's so stupid. I mean, couldn't he TELL that wasn't my number?" Why not just tell him that you're not interested. He'll move on.]

9. I've stuffed $1 bills down a male strippers g-string and asked for change.

[Does he come to your job and heckle you? No, when you're on the stroll, he doesn't try to talk you down on your prices.]

8. I have actually asked "Are you done already?" after sex.
7. I have actually asked "Are you done yet?" after sex.

[One day you're going to pull that shit on the wrong person, and it's going to be Cape Fear all over your ass.]

6. Being married with children is not my top priority.

[Neither is having character.]

5. It's total coincidence that whatever I order will always be the most expensive thing on the menu.

[Obviously being honest isn't either.]

4. After I found out my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend, I sprayed grass killer in his yard. A few days later the word DICK appeared on his lawn, for the whole neighborhood to laugh at.

[How did you vandalize her lawn?]

3. Referring to that same 'best' friend,I called her and pretended to be from the CDC. I told her that the 'dick' had been in for herpes treatment, and she had probably been exposed as well and should come in for treatment immediately.

[Did that friend call you to let you know that you may be infected, or did she just check her Caller ID and know that you're the insanely jealous idiot?]

2. Fairy Tales where a beautiful princess in distress awaits a hansome prince to save her, make me vomit.

[Stories in which women don't pick up the check after they order "coincidentally" the most expensive items on the menu make me sick, too.]

1. SIZE DOES MATTER!!!!!!

[Absolutely. Dick size...brain pan size...it all matters.]

One Liner:
A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle!

[I think that's on its 30th year anniversary.]



Name: sana

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
well i certainly am a heartless bitch cuz i dont like 2 b in da company of my friends who r just

[It looks like idiot-speak has affected India, too. I've got to give her credit for knowing English so well that she's comfortable with this stupid version of it.]

doing their best to look good not for themselves but only 2 please some good looking idiot who cares a damn about what they rilly r, of course i m assertive i get rilly hot when peaple say this is a man s thing n girls dont look washing cars

[What!? You haven't seen those Bikini Car Wash films? Trust me, girls and washing cars go together like pin-ups and masturbation.]

or being a car mechanic etc but sod it man who the hell r they talking to, i m as good as any god damned stammering idiot in fixing things up n i always do my own work, i rilly find all those romantic novels mills n boon stuff sooooo boring sheesh?all it is about is"her slim waist n his fine jaw"plz give me a break ,

[I find all the euphemisms for his penis amusing.]

i dont hate guys in fact i rilly admire their sense of business n not getting too hung up about da sexy lady in last nites party unlike most of da nice girls n i m not so fast on da keyboard yet so thats enuff

[Well, the good news is that your English is pretty good. Please don't learn any more of it from the Internet. The bad news is that you haven't realized that it doesn't matter how fast you type, I'll receive this application as a finished product. I have no way of knowing if it took you an hour or a minute.]

One Liner:
i have a heart that turns to ice every time i c a girl reading mills and boon with eyes wide open n a smile on her face , i want to shake her n say "WAKE UP GIRL , THERE IS WORLD OUTSIDE THESE SLIM WAISTS N FINE JAWS TOO"

[Yes, but how do you expect her to listen to someone who doesn't type "see" or "and"?]



Name: Jaden

[Uh-oh.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I have this acquaintance, we'll call her "Fun Police" (FP),

[Why? Does she arrest you for having fun? Write tickets for laughing in the wrong zone? What does this have to do with anything, anyway?]

who has been married to my husband's best friend for 3 years. In those three years I have heard her whine and complain about how unbalanced the household bills are. She pays half the rent, day care for their kid, all the bills, bla, bla, bla, all while he only pays the other half of the rent. Excuse me, he also pays child support to his ex for his other kid.

[I kind of see her point. That expense doesn't have much to do with the household. On the other hand, she knew his finances going in, so this mistake is mostly on her. It has ZILCH to do with you, or this application.]

FP drones on and on about how she's tired of it and how he'd better start pulling his share with the finances AS WELL AS the household work, or else... (Or else what?)

[Or else she'll drone on and on some more. He sounds downright shiftless, if you ask me, and I'd advise her going on to the "or else" part. Getting away from the lot of you may be just what she needs.]

Fun Police is so tired of his crap that she keeps on doing what she does, without a fucking word to him. I'm sorry, did I forget to mention that she blames it all on the fact that she didn't have a father figure in her life as she was growing up? Silly me. That means that I also forgot to to tell you that FP also mentioned to me that she feels obligated to do all of this because he didn't have his mother to raise him. Gimme a muthafuckin break.

[This makes you her snitch? I just don't see what this does for you, or has to do with you.]

I am a Heartless Bitch because, well, is THAT the alternative? I don't want to hear one more fucking rant about any of that shit unless you're doing something to change the situation.

[Then kindly shut the fuck up about your friend.]

I am a Heartless Bitch because I don't need to be loved and validated by someone else.

[I guess you got married to give it a name.]

I am a Heartless Bitch because I don't require any amount of reassurance that I am attractive and I find those who do pathetic.

[What do you call this little diatribe about Fun Police?]

I am a Heartless Bitch because I am strong minded, confident, and independent and that must be really freaking intimidating to someone who isn't.

[Possibly. It's more possible that you're back-biting and two-faced. I can't see that as intimidating.]

One Liner:
Play yourself and you'll get played. Every time. Guaranteed.

[True words.]



Name: Michelle

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm different.

[Are you little? Yellow?]

I don't care what people think, and I don't care who cries. You can say, I'm a female Simon from American Idol.

[You MUST be kidding. It's not that I don't like the man, but you've got to recognize what he is.]

I don't fit the norm. I'm sarcastic, and have a witty comeback for everything. I'm rude and outspoken, and don't give a flying "RAT'S TAIL" who likes me. "@#$@ off," I'll say, and won't put up with no one telling me what to do.

[Were you being sarcastic when you said that you didn't fit the norm, and that you have a witty comeback for everything?]

One Liner:
Those who make fun of me fear me because they know, and I know, that deep down in my heart...I can make them cry.

[This application is making my eyes water.]



Name: PaPriKa

[Because all the other spices were taken.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
because people suck and ignorance angers me

[Your own?]

it angers me that who I am offends me

[So change.]

and it angers me that I have to wear a t-shirt around my best friends boyfriend because my armpit hair offend him

[Well, you don't HAVE to do it. Why is he staring at your pits, anyway?]

it angers me that men I don't know can try to get down my pants in the middle of a street,and their just horney but if I try to do that, I'm a slut

[Well, what do YOU think of a man who just wants to fuck everyone? People will always find a name to call you, and why should you care? Go on and do what you think is right for you, and stop complaining that people don't like it.]

it angers me that my opinion isn't heard because I'm a child, yet I have more maturity then many people I've met

[Get out more. You only SEEM more mature to you.]

it angers me that most of the women I meet couldn't survive while single and think that there only means of self satisfaction is to be dating someone

[That angers me, too, but only to a point.]

gay racial gender and age prejudices anger me

[Like you don't talk about senior drivers.]

injustice angers me

[But that's so cliche.]

it also angers me that men are taught not to cry,

[That used to anger me until I realized that they were pretty stupid to buy into that, too.]

and if they are kind and considerate they are whipped a lot angers me...you may not want to get me started

[I just want to get you finished.]

One Liner:
People just can't deal with the fact that I HAVE ARM PIT HAIR

[That is your least concern. Trust me.]



Name: Megan

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I can tell them all to go to hell and make them believe they'll have a good time on the way.

[Isn't that called Irish Diplomacy?]

One Liner:
Tits and ass are no match for intelligence and class.

[Argh! I HATE to see someone blow something this simple. Tits and ass are no match for WITS and CLASS.]



Name: Jenny

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I find humor in other people's miseries. I take it to the extreme, until it is no longer funny to others.

[There's just no excuse for wearing something out, or running it into the ground.]

One Liner:
I am,therefore i am a bitch.........so.............whatever!!

[Sounds like the PMS Avenger. Anyone ELSE see Mystery Men?]



Email : Belindsey88

[Pfft. Like I don't know that 88 is code for Heil Hitler/White power. Go away.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I have put up with to many back stabbing dick suckingboyfriend stealing christian freaks with frizzy curly brunet buck teeth princess.

[It hurts to be dumped, doesn't it?]

and not to mention a few of my select boyfriend choices wich I new were ass holes according to my friends.

[Your friends say that you already knew this? Why are you pouting about it, then?]

One Liner:
Men and woman are great till you date.

[Then what?]



Name: nicole

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

[I know I don't do spelling flames, but damn. If you know that your application looks this way, run it through a spell checker and save yourself some embarrassment. A typo or two I can understand, but this looks like it was run through a shredder.]

im real very opentained im young and cold i tell me what noone else can or will im indepented stand my own ground i was raised in newyork i got a job i go to school full time i hold my head high when a dumb guy steps to me i just keep walking by i can't stand young mined females who think life is so slimple everything i have i wored real hard for i had alot of doors slamed in my face but i stil am stong i got heart thats why i feel i am a bitch and if you could prove me worng don't imme back your the ones who are lucky to have a female like me even thinking about coming in here

[Yeah, I feel blessed just by your presence.]

One Liner:
evil runs in my vains when it rains thats god sahowing the world my inner pain.my smile has a dark said if your even rerading this i guess you are wise

[Or masochistic, whichever.]



Name: anthea

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I've been trained to be one by the emotional cripples who insist upon being attracted to me,

[What a tortured sentence THAT was.]

through no fault of my own other

[Oh, no, this couldn't possibly be YOUR fault at all. You're a hapless victim in your love life.]

than treating them as if they're human beings. (I know, I know - where did I get THAT stupid idea?)

[From your stupid head.]

Consequently, I've developed a heart that's primarily composed of scar tissue - makes it ever so much less difficult to avoid using it for moronic activities

[Now it's your HEART'S fault?]

like, oh, falling in love...I've dumped a guy by email - that oughta count...

[...against you.]

especially since he was turning into a really inept stalker

[Well, he'd have to show interest in being near you, not in running away from you.]

...I have CHOSEN not to marry, and could get laid every night of the week if it didn't matter by

[Who can't?]

whom - but I'm insufferably particular: I can give myself better orgasms than 98% of the male

[And she's been through enough of them to come to this figure honestly.]

population can...I refuse to date anyone who isn't at LEAST as smart as I am.

[That shouldn't be a problem.]

..I am incapable of being flattered: I know precisely how wonderful I am,

[This is probably going to generate some angry letters from you, then.]

I don't need anyone to tell me - certainly not someone who thinks it's going to get him into my pants...My last lover's MOTHER is younger than I am; we split up because he couldn't handle how

[That's just so...ewww. Either you're dating babies, or you're just too old to be this simple.]

independent I am...Of course, I could be full of it - you'll either have to take my word for it or demand proof...

[Would there be another option, Miss Obvious?]

One Liner:
Not then, not now, not ever,

[That just means maybe later when you say it.]



Name: Kerryn

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
When my boss told me to improve my relationship with a senior member of staff, (who is a misogynistic wanker), and to 'be more positive' (ie, shut up in staff meetings) if I wanted to get more money, I quit.

[That's one way to go.]

I am known for having a 'big mouth', and
saying shit that everyone else is thinking, but they're too scared to say.

[Ever hear of diplomacy?]

I fucking hate helplessness, and those women who totter around feebly in high heels looking pathetic.

[I have known some women who could run on stilts, though.]

I hate long hair on anyone over the age of 15.

[You don't have to wear it. No wonder they're asking you to shut up.]

If you toss this application, then fuck u too!

[Good luck finding a job.]

One Liner:
Fuck assertiveness, I am all about aggression.

[And all of it misplaced.]







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