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1999-2001
Weak of the Week
The best of the worst M ship Applications

For the Week of December 29, 2002
edited by



[Who would have thought that keeping chickens could inspire this much commentary? To help clear up this mystery, some Dutch-speaking readers have translated this quote for us.]

Cirstyn:

I am a native Dutch speaker based in Norway. You had a comment on the Dec. 9th which I suspect is translated through an online Dutch > English translator: "Mannen, je kan beter kippen "houwen"!!!!!!!!!!!! "

[Your suspicion is correct. The best I can do is an online translator. I COULD bug some of the Bitches who speak Dutch, but usually it's not worth it.]

The comment means "Guys, better -keep-chickens instead" or "Guys you're better off keeping chickens"

[Well, as opposed to what? They can't keep CHICKS.]

The word houwen means to hold or keep or it's also used in terms of endearment i.e Hou je van mij ? ("Do you love me" - colloquially, do you love me ? litteraly "do you hold of me ?")

Just mentioning :-)

Happy Holidays!

[Thanks for writing in and clearing this up. I must admit I was at a loss. Now I see that it's not really good in either language.]

Siri:

Since I am dutch I can explain the oneliner of this martine whose application you presented.

[You're our only hope, Siri-wan.]

Its supposed to be a pun, that is: it *is* a pun, but a rather stupid one. I assume she made it up herself.

[You hear THAT, Martine? Even someone who SPEAKS Dutch thinks it was pretty stupid. Please continue, Siri.]

there is a saying here that is Men.... you'd better.... its a way of saying that Men are no good, and instead of having a man you would be better off.... fill in anything lame at the dots.

[Aha! Now I see through a glass, darkly.]

It derived from "men... it would be better if you boil soup out of m" and slowly sort of became used differently in all kinds of forms.

[Thanks for letting me in on the "joke."]

Now she chose to put a pun in the dots.

kippen houden, in dutch, means to keep chickens. (keep as in farming) in slang, you wouldnt pronounce the 'd' but say it with a 'w' or even just ignore it as in hou'en. but the word houwen also means to chop.

[Ouch! I'll bet those words really allow for some funny misunderstandings.]

So the pun is that this, when pronounced, sounds like:
Men.*sigh*... you're better off keeping chickens but could also mean when you read it
Men...*sigh* you're better off chopping off chickens heads (i guess she means.. then those of the men.)

[Maybe you're right about what she means, but you're DEFINITELY right about it not being very good.]

she put the " " around the word to make sure we wouldnt overlook the pun ;-)

[I've always felt that a good pun or joke wouldn't need to be accentuated or pointed out.]

Jadesyren, I *am* dutch, i make part of my living writing, but i had to look three times before it made much sense to me too.

[Thanks. It's good to know that my instincts were correct, even if my dutch translator isn't.]

If you ever need help in the dutch-english translation section for the HB site, just let me know, ill be glad to help.

[Unfortunately, it's usually not that exciting. Normally I get "I'm not A bitch, I'm THE Bitch."]



[Unaware that her fellow countrywomen are snickering at her, Martine writes back:]

From: "Martine"

Subject: re "kippen houwen"

"Mannen, je kan beter kippen houwen" means as much as...."Men, well you can better keep chicken.." Impressive one-liner, don't you think?!!

[I put it before a panel of judges. One judge abstained, and two of us think it sucked.]



[Her "new" application. Some people never learn and are proud of it.]

Name: martine

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm a heartless bitch. Hardly recovered from another "happy Christmas",facing New Years Eve, I don't feel like producing some impressive, funny, bitch-like or whatever lines.

[What excuse did you have the past THREE times for this?]

I'm the owner of a bar,

[That explains a lot. Remember, you can't make money if you use your own product.]

maybe you can imagine, what a heartless bitch it takes to survive in this time of year, without a dozen of actual law-suits against me, for al those murders in the first degree' I'm at this point ready to commit???!!!

[You use thought police in the Netherlands?]

One Liner:
Who the fuck ever invented Bumperstickers ????!!

[A person who got tired of seeing plain Bond-o on cars?]

"Mannen, je kan beter kippen houwen"

[You know what that sentence needs? A colon. Are you talking TO men or about them? Not like it matters because it's really NOT a funny quote.]



Name: Bryanna

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I am a man eating whore.

[I think men are just too high in cholesterol for them to be part of a balanced diet.]

Men who succumb to me fall hard. I eat their hearts out and leave them bleeding on the ground.

[Messy eater.]

One Liner:
Men are nothing more than convenient play toys

[I thought you ate them.]

and the ones who are worth keeping are gay.

[I hear this lament from women, but I wonder what gay men say.]



Name: candice (last name is none of your biz)

[So don't give it.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Who the hell are you people to be demanding any kind of "details" in order that I be allowed to join your exalted (cough!) company?

[I think I answer this question every week. I am the Bitch Bouncer. You must meet some dismally low requirements to get past me. It's even more depressing that so many fail.]

Seems to me that you should be grateful that I even deigned to wade through all this bitch poseur (or is it poseuse) nonsense.

[They say that talk is cheap. Instead of all this *ahem* posturing, do you think you might have just gone ahead and given a straight answer? All that *coughing* just means that you've choked.]

It amuses me but,,,,no way am I writing some bs essay/////

[We wouldn't want you to sprain anything.]

You guys try much too hard.

[That's the mark of a virtuoso. It only LOOKS like it's hard. To us, it's as easy as falling off a log. You should see it when we REALLY try.]

Go ahead. Be "heartless" and put me in the reject pile---boohoo. I'm just devastated.

[That makes one of you.]

One Liner:
Can't you read? See above. I ain't jumping through any hoops for your amusement.

[The BEST part of this she's unaware that she's jumped through the hoops that she brought with her. Seal clap!]



Name: sarah

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
ive had enough of them...those male species..they constantly whine in "intimidating".

[Intimidating is not an adjective that is easy to use with whine.]

shit i guess having two degrees and being able to pay my rent without some jerk having to play with my tits, makes me a menace.

[I'm sure you're a menace for other reasons.]

One Liner:
theyre just jealous because im prettier than them and have more balls than they will ever have.

[Wouldn't that make YOU jealous?]



Name: DK Kills Right

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I never could understand those women who claimed to be feminists but worked as waitresses...

[YOU ARE NOT YOUR JOB!--gratuitous "Fight Club" reference.]

I've always believed that you must be the change you want to see in the world.

[How about some of those stereotypical ideas you have about roles in the workforce.]

And as such, I'm a diesel mechanic, the only one in this county who's got both mechanical savvy and ovaries.

[You're the only female diesel mechanic in the country? Where are you? Fiji?]

I didn't go into it trying to stomp on anybody's balls, but if they put them in front of me, hey, I'm not lookin down all the time. Meet my eyes, meet my talent, but don't ever meet me with bullshit. And yes, I do wear nail polish. It is possible to be proud to be a woman and yet still get greasy.

[Isn't it possible to be a feminist and sling hash?]

One Liner:
I would rather spin wrenches than webs,

[No. Spinning webs is WAY cooler. Also, swinging from building to building can't be beat. I imagine it would be most impressive to be able to climb walls. I think I'd hate wearing red and blue spandex, though.]

oh, and by the way, I'm not fuckin stupid, but I used to.

[I think this joke was funnier with Mickey, Minnie and Goofy.]



Name: MissJulie

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm a Heartless Bitch because of my hatred for all humankind, but especially children. I don't want children. By no means would I be a good mother.

[Then you REALLY shouldn't have any.]

People say everything changes when you have a child - you will feel differently when it's your own child. Yes it would. Instead of simply having the desire to throw an annoyingly noisy child against the wall, I will actually pick up the crying snotshooter at my breakfast table and throw it at the wall.

[I believe in corporal punishment myself. Whenever I see a bad child, I want to kick that parent's ass. You certainly spend a great deal of time talking about something you hate so much, however.]

In all honesty, this phantom child's infancy would be marked by neglect, its childhood by verbal abuse, adolescence - deplorable verbal abuse coupled with a few hours a day locked in a closet. I would not be a good mother for this simple reason: I do not want children. I thank God that I am not one of the masses, the Breeders. I know my potential future, and take precautions to avoid it.

[Anyone with half a brain is breathing a sigh of relief, too.]

Getting pregnant (and?) married before one is financially independent of one's parents is irresponsible. I do not care how developmentally, economically, or social hierarchically challenged one may be. I abhor these women. I want to rip the food stamp paid cheese from their lips. I particularly hate young girls who get pregnant.

[How about their baby's daddy? I don't see any venom going his way.]

They marry and divorce by the time their child is four, all the while professing their thanks to God for the beautiful 'gift' He has given

[Well, at least they marry, eh?]

to them in the form of a pant-shitting leech. Never mind the fact that they are not even the ones that raise the child. Grandma and daycare do.

[Why do you think this makes you a Heartless Bitch, however? Rant on your OWN site.]

Children are more accurately described as parasites over leeches. Webster's dictionary defines a parasite as an organism which depends on something else for existence or support without making a useful or adequate return.

[Yadda, yadda, yadda. I've heard some intelligent childfree speeches, and I've even drafted some. I could play a drinking game with this rant of yours.]

Yes, children are parasitic leeches, and the Breeders are incapable of comprehending. They wonder how a woman can live a decent, fulfilled life without rearing a child. I want a hysterectomy. The presence of a uterus means the potential for pregnancy. If any other body part caused as much discomfort and pain as my uterus causes me, any doctor would jump to remedy it. Surgery, medication, you name it. So why can't I have a hysterectomy? Because the world is full of these single-track-minded Breeders. I don't intend to ever use my uterus, and they think that's deplorable. Granted, having a hysterectomy would send me into early menopause, but please explain to me why it would be a problem for me to go through menopause at 22? What do

[Go blame all the other women your age who changed their minds about this. Also, just for a giggle, go and ask your doctor to remove your pinky. You'll find that doctors don't like removing relatively healthy bits from your body, and with good reason.]

I have ahead of me? Another thirty someodd years of all the bullshit that comes with menstruation and pre-menstruation? For what? To keep fertile for that one sperm that might one day connect with an egg, causing me to have a vacuum shoved up my vagina two months later? No thanks. I'll take the surgery. Put me through menopause now.

[Why not skip menopause and go straight to death?]

The preceding was my rant on pregnancy. I can send you my rant on sterilization if you wish.

[No. I want to know, if you must, why you think you're a Heartless Bitch.]

One Liner:
I feel nothing but comtempt for humanity.

[Well, I sense you lack the strength of your conviction.]



Name: Melissa

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Well lets see it all started as a child when i realized I was been trainded by some of the biggest of the best bitches ever my mother and my aunt, Now im not just no ordinary bitch. With PMS i get worse and with that comes homocidal tendancies.

[Well, this is going downhill fast.]

Mostly these tendancys are targeted to men. Throw thing cursing worse than a truck drive my favorite thing

[ENGLISH! Do you speak it?]

i say is Cry my a f'n river and then i'll build you a brigde to get over it. but more originally I like to say that frankly those who are pissing me off are "f'n cunt

[You edited fuck, yet listed cunt?]

hole std grab bags who must have nothing to do but ride up my f'n ass, freakin nut puppies"

[This is worse than reading a magazine that someone cut the coupons out of.]

bye

[Indeed.]

One Liner:
"don't be a cunt and go get my something to do, no go I tell you fetch, or you'll be beat worse than last time"

[Doesn't this read like she's TRYING to write HAIKU, but forgot that they have that 5-7-5 rule?]



Name: Roger

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
In case you're not up to the mark on Christian names, I think I should point out that I'm a chap.

[I've never known anyone named Roger before. (Ass).]

Hope this doesn't disqualify me from membership of your esteemed organisation, as I feel HBI could become my true spiritual home.

[You're too much of an asshole to consider.]

You may consider it odd - nay deviant, even - that a chap should seek to become one of the Bitch sisterhood.

[You don't think you'd be the first..or ONLY...male, do you?]

Hell, I can't even claim to be a member of the gay community.

[They wouldn't have you, would they?]

So why does a 49 year old Scotsman grovel at your Doc Marten's for some twinkle of recognition (other than he's trying to peek up your skirt)?

[I don't wear Doc Marten's.]

Simple, really. I lack a heart. And a soul. And a

[...brain. (Who didn't see THAT coming?)]

conscience. And a character. Thus, I believe am uniquely qualified to stand amongst you as a prime example of all that is false, insincere and egotistic in this sorry world.

[As if we NEEDED another.]

And if that's not a viable definition of heartless, then damn me sister,

[You're damned.]

I'm comin' back a girlie..... Now I don't expect you to take me at my word on these matters. You require proof. An example. So here goes.

[No, I can see that you're exactly what you say you are.]

As a teenager I was besotted with a mightily attractive young lady. I met her whilst I was studying at university in the UK, although my home was in Rhodesia. She was stylish, she had grace, and her eyes contained all the joy in my world. I would have died for her a thousand times, and felt no pain. And, strangely, she felt the same way about me. We were a made-for-TV-teen-love-series.

[Great. I used to LOVE "Commander McBragg." I think I liked "Fractured Fairy Tales" and "Tennessee Tuxedo" more, though.]

So, the heartlessness? Oh yes, the heartlessness.
Well, one day I received my call-up papers for the Army (I had dual nationality, and Rhodesia was in the middle of a nastly little war). I knew they were coming of course, and we'd made all sorts of plans on how we'd cope. But, as the day drew near, 'manly' thoughts of glory and heroism began to pervade my brain, and her shining eyes lost their lustre, her skin its allure.

[Suddenly, you found yourself erect at the thought of oiling a weapon. Dunking a mop, then sliding your hands up and down the shaft as you slowly mopped the floors turned you on. Having some burly man in uniform tell you what to do in a throaty voice had you all a-quiver.]

She had to go. Now I could have been a decent fellow, faced her, told her it was 'over', and walked. But that wouldn't qualify me for HBI membership, would it?

[That WOULD have been the right thing to do. Thanks for NOT reading the site.]

Nope, I hatched a heartless plan. I left, promising to send her air tickets to visit me after my first six months on operations. In reality, after five months in the army I had a chum acquire formal 'notification of death' papers, typed them up, and sent them to her. I was on leave the next month so I knew I'd be able to intercept her letter of condolence to my parents. And I did. As far as I know, she still cries every Rememberance Day. Heartless? I'll say.

[Well, shitty is a better suited adjective.]

I could go on, but I'm sure this tale tells you all you need to know of my personal qualities.

[That you lack them, yes.]

In closing, I'd like to note that I consider it essential that a HB should always display a suggestion of regret that things weren't different, that they might just have made it over the wall of compassion had they faced their shortcomings.

[We don't waste time with regret, false or otherwise. This isn't because we don't feel bad if things turn out wrong, but because we learn and grow. Regret is just a formal pity party for some. Why waste time with regret if you're not going to DO something about it?]

So here's my glimmer of light - I still think of her. And, despite my heartlessness, I hope she found happiness. Does this make me a Heartless Bitch with a heart? Of course not. I was just yankin' your chain with the regret nonsense :-)

[You've been yanking my chain the whole time.]







Copyright© Heartless Bitches International (heartless-bitches.com) 1999
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