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1999-2001
Weak of the Week
The best of the worst M ship Applications

For the Week of December 1, 2002
edited by



Name: Jenni

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
He's gone, but still says I'm the best sex he's ever had, and was glad he could satisfy my insatiability.

[Sort of like the irresistable force meeting the immovable object...or something like that.]

I'll send him Hooked On Phonics for Christmas, cuz' he OBVIOUSLY couldn't read that women can fake it better than anyone.

[You shorted yourself on that one. When you fake it, you cheat yourself, not him.]

Gee, you'd think when I FELL ASLEEP, would have been the first clue?

[That would depend on when you fell asleep. However, if you claimed that you faked it, and that you fake it better than anyone, how was falling asleep part of your plan to fake it?]

One Liner:
Another man without the understanding that WOMEN RULE!

[He came, you didn't. Case closed.]



Name: REAL

[...stupid. He included a 007 in his name.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
...well...I'm not really a heartless bitch at all. I just want you to read my song.

[It's a good thing that I wasn't drinking when I read this, or I'd have needed a new monitor. Do I *look* like a talent agent?]

To put the song in context, I believe that good looking women have more power than anyone else on the planet and yet withhold pleasures that they so easily have the power to give.

[Wah! Why won't you DATE me?]

For them to take, take, take and live luxurious lives while the powerless merely want a taste of the luxury they experience every day is evil.

[No, that jealousy you feel is evil...if evil even applied here.]

The comfort of the weak rests in the hands of the powerful.

[Which is why they are weak.]

Those of us with honour must hold the powerful to account.

[You think it's honorable to demand that beautiful women give you a taste of their luxury?]

That's what I'm trying to do with this song - hold the powerful to account. I'm a guy who has always been stepped on or ignored by good looking girls.

["I'm a Nice Guy ™"--set to music!]

Despite our violent words protesting against powerful people who make decisions that are good for them yet affect lots of other people negatively, they remain in total command. I have a vague

[Even a vague idea would be more tangible than this crap.]

idea of where you females are coming from in opposing male domination, but I can't understand why you don't want to have sex as much as we do.

[Oh yeah, YOU don't date much.]

If it's just that you have biological differences that make you tight so often that's fair enough, but if the reason that you choose not to have sex frequently is because your lives are so fun and busy with gossip and group hugs that you don't need us lonely, desperate souls

[Oh, this poor sad sack.]

who derive most of our pleasure in life from "snuggling" then you are selfish (and should painlessly share pleasure with us men so that everyone is happy - not just you).

[You can't really be saying that I should stop what I want to do, even if it IS gossiping with the girls, to give you some trim. No, you are lonely and desperate with good reason.]

Please be advised that the following song is copyright, and may not be republished without permission from the writer.

[He sent us a rap, which I will not republish. You will have to take my word for it that he blames some women for his problems. Not unlike the idiots before him, he suggests that a dick is all we need. Well, that AND he really says he needs pussy real bad. In fact, men are angry and violent, and it's a woman's duty to fuck them to release the excess testosterone. Somehow, female self-respect is gotten by bending over and letting this little scrub fuck us.]

P.S. Don't send me a virus, please - I only ever check my email in cyber cafes.

[Don't worry. You are in no danger of further contact with me.]

One Liner:
The comfort of the weak rests in the hands of the powerful. Those of us with honour must hold the powerful to account.

[He certainly is in love with that line, isn't he?]



Name: BETTY

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I STAND FIRM ON MY VIEWS. I AM CALLED COMMANDO BOOP

[Snicker. I'm sorry, but seeing Commando Boop written in such large caps with such a serious tone bring out the giggles in me.]

AT WORK BECAUSE I AM VERY ASSERTIVE. I'VE NEVER BEEN IN A FIGHT BECAUSE NO ONE WOULD DARE-I'M TOO TOUGH.

[You've GOT to be tough to wear "Commando Boop." I liked Betty Boop, too.]

One Liner:
WIDOWED (FROM SUICIDE) AND DIVORCED (DUE TO HIS INFIDELITY)

[You divorced his corpse?]

...NEED I SAY MORE?

[Yeah. She always ended with "Boop-boop-be-doop."]



Name: Lorna

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I dumped my boyfriend becuse he went to a dance music club. Dance music = evil. Ergo, boyfriend = evil. Makes perfect sense. To me anyway.

[Yeah. I saw "Footloose" myself. Wait...no, I didn't. I just know about the movie in a vague way. I couldn't get past the theme song.]

One Liner:
I have PMT and a handgun....any questions??

[Yeah, why do you think updating it from a syndrome to tension makes more sense?]



Name: rammsteinrainbow

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I threw a radio out of the window the week approaching valentines day.

[I hope it was yours, and I hope you didn't hurt anyone. Couldn't you have just turned it off? You remind me of those idiots who spit on their own floors to express anger, or throw things at their own televisions when they don't like what they hear.]

Excuse me Hallmark, Disney and Godiva's, not all women are sappy wenches who want to be rescued by a prince charming or want a sugary-bleugh card and chocolates once a year.

[No, they just market to those types. I'm sure that there are other companies you find more appealing because they market to your...type.]

A flamethrower and blow torch would be greatly appreciated. And please, just becuase I'm single, doesn't mean i'm lonely, it means i have bloody high standards,

[You call them what YOU want.]

that can only be met by [name]. Repeat after me "a single life is a happy life"

[It can be. You seem pretty hostile about it, though. Why do you let so many people in on your business?]

i tried to start a protest in front of the disney store, campaigning against skinny, pale, doe-eyed princesses who needed a man to rescue them from their sappy lives.

[Did they throw copies of Mulan at you?]

ladies, a little petrol does a lot of work.

[Your idea of protest is to burn the joint down?]

One Liner:
i'm out of oestrogen and i have a flame thrower, so don't fuck with me

[I have PMT and a handgun--any questions? *sigh*. We are NOT hormonal, idiot.]



Name: Ryan

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Because I hate Bon Jovi. What the FUCK? How many lines do I have to write until I get accepted?

[It ain't quantity, it's QUALITY.]

Ive never been rejected so many times in my life.

[You're not out of the woods yet.]

Yes, I am a sexy BITCH!

[Oh, that matters.]

One Liner:
Im such a bitch, today while eating my rice krispies, I could have sworn one of them said, "snap, krackle, FUCK YOU!"

[You normally talk to your cereal? Does your cereal normally talk to you? Buy Corn Flakes. You'll have much in common with them.]



Name: Marlen

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Single mom of three who takes shit from absolutely NOBODY. I'm not a man-hater, just an idiot intolerator. You can be gay, straight, poor, rich, tall, short, I'm all for ya. But stupid or mean, and especially both, I don't do. Men and women who are too pussy to even try a real relationship because "I'm too scared of getting hurt again!" Well...fuckin' WAaaah. Have the courage to stand up for what you believe in and say what you mean, or move out of my way.

[That wasn't too bad, but she gets a bit worse before she gets better.]

If you're interested,

[Nooooo.]

here's how I came across your totally rockin' website, it was right after my last 'relationship' ended. Basically it was a one-night-stand that lasted 364 days too long.

[Sure, you say that NOW, but on day 233, you were still in there. On day 363, you were alright.]

..this guy was really a work of art. Why, you ask, was I with him?

[No, I don't ask. I've got a pretty good idea. I ask you questions because it's obvious to me that YOU don't know, not because I don't.]

Well, because I THOUGHT he had the capacity to love...gee, did he ever have me fooled!

[It took you a year to find out that he didn't love you?]

In a nutshell, here's how it ended...I broke three bones in my body in a rollerblading accident (no I'm not stupid,

[Yes, you are. I don't say that because you fell off your rollerskates. Anyone can have an accident, but not an accident that lasts 365 days.]

I have been blading for five years, I just tried to do something that was beyond my abilities because, well, I have courage.)

[You should have had the courage to leave, but FAILING that, you should have the courage to see that he stayed because YOU let him. Have the courage to take some responsibility here.]

The weekend of my accident was the last time he ever came to visit. (His motto was, "If it ain't fun, it ain't for me," and I guess I wasn't too fun or fuckable anymore in a body cast.) The weekend AFTER my accident, when I still couldn't get out of bed, he took another woman camping for the weekend, and they shared a tent. I know this because, of course, he TOLD me. What a sweetie!

[Well, he DID spare you the time and aggravation of investigating his whereabouts yourself. You don't find this often in a philanderer.]

Right. When I told him over the phone that I had a problem with this little scenario,

[A problem? A PROBLEM? Why on earth didn't you tell him to stay in the tent with her? I don't condone suspicion based just on this, but I DO find it extremely callous to go on the trip with you in the hospital. That would be enough for me to end the relationship, such as it were.]

he made absolutely no contact for a week, then one day before our one-year 'anniversary', he kicked me to the curb in a three-line e-mail, and went just like this (translations in brackets)

[This oughta be good.]

: "After quiet moments of reflection [beer-drinking] and talking with friends [cybersex with other women on the internet] I have chosen to explore other relationships [I've already found an adequate replacement for you.]

[Okay, but you KNEW this. It's shitty for him to do this in this way, but count your blessings. He could still be hanging around, sucking your energy. However this happened, it's for the best, believe that.]

This wasn't an easy decision for me. [I did not once consider your feelings.]

[That's not an apt translation. The fact that he did all that stuff, then sent this shit in email means he doesn't consider your feelings. This "easy decision" means that he wanted to have his cake and eat it, too.]

I'd still like to be friends with you in a capacity that works for both of us. [I use the phrase 'works for both of us' because I have this delusion that using this phrase makes me feel both superior and intelligent, when in fact what it really means is that I spent $2000 on a personal growth course to learn that saying this phrase makes me believe that I have to accept absolutely no responsibility whatsoever for being the evil self-absorbed, self-serving prick that I am.]

[Now that is absolutely true.]

He signs this touching e-mail, SINCERELY. God help the next piece of ass on his list.

[Yeah, so aren't you glad that it's not YOU anymore? At least he didn't sign off "Yours truly."]

Oh my GOD I thought, what have I done, wasting an entire year with this piece of shit? That's when I told myself, NEVER AGAIN sister. I'm SO much better than that!

[You are. So, how do you plan to prevent the next loser?]

So, I started surfing the 'net for other women like me, strong, good-hearted women who don't need scumbags for boyfriends to feel like a real person....and so here I am, another heartless bitch to recruit.

[Hey, next time concentrate a bit more on you.]

One Liner:
I'd like to have the opportunity to piss on all those who have put the "pee-pee" in my HAPPY.

[I know you're being flippant, but that attitude is the reason you found yourself here.]



Name: Melissa

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I have so many heartless bitch qualities.

[Can hardly wait to hear.]

I recently got married. We were already engaged, but decided on the spur of the moment to get married in two weeks. You would not believe how many people thought I was pregnant.

[You can't blame them for what they suppose; that's usually the reason for a quick wedding. I fault them for being nosy.]

I was so angry. That is the worst reason ever to get married, and I couldn't believe people thought I was that stupid.

[They probably think you're stupid for other reasons.]

Since the wedding, you wouldn't believe the mail I get that says Mrs. [Husband]. What the hell is that?

[A quick form letter. Now that boyfriend is now husband, his name qualifies for other mailing lists.]

I feel like he is my master when people address me by his first name.

[That's your problem. You see why people think you're stupid?]

It is like how our cats' files at the vet's are under our names.

[Well, it's not like Fluffy is going to pay the bills, or when Fluffy defaults, they could sue.]

I have no problem telling these people off. I even threatened to send my cousin a used tampon because she kept telling people I got married because I was pregnant.

[What would THAT prove? You could have gotten that tampon anywhere. The best revenge is to let them wait and see. It will be obvious that you're not pregnant in a matter of months.]

I call men and women on their stupidity. I also think language is more important than people realize. The implications of some words and phrases are so degrading and sexist, and most people don;t even realize it.

[I think words are important, too. I'm just not going to go get mad about the stupid things, like junk mail.]

Again, I will people them how hurtful their words are.

[I thought you said that words were important. What the hell are these supposed to mean?]

One Liner:
I am honest with people, whether they want the truth or not.

[Funny how often they ask for the truth, only to twist it up when they get it.]



Name: Richard

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm not a heartless bitch, I just want to keep an eye on your attitudes

[Who appointed you attitude monitor? Frankly, I don't think you're man enough for the job.]

One Liner:
I as a man helplessly and unbearably

[Yes, we do find you lugnuts unbearable.]

love you heartless bitches. It just aint fair.

[It most certainly IS fair. You created your stupidity, you suffer from it. You can't get any fairer than that.]







Copyright© Heartless Bitches International (heartless-bitches.com) 1999
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