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Weak of the Week
The best of the worst Membership Applications

by JadeSyren

For the Week of February 13th, 2000

This week, the Worst of the Worst: One-liners.

These one liners are hereby RETIRED. Trust me, if you stick them in your applications they will be rejected.

49% Sweetheart; 51% Bitch; Don't Push It!
No matter how you break down the percentage, it will always be 100% bullshit.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.. Hate me because...
You're too dumb to waste good hate on. Forget this one liner, forever.

I don't put up with anyone's shit!
Yea, yea, yea. I've heard this all before.

Don't fuck with me, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
If I see this again, I'll be running out of places to hide the bodies. It was funny the first hundred times I heard it.

I am trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass!
Tired, tired, tired. You want to say something that I might not have heard on a daily basis.

0 to Bitch in 60 seconds....
Here to the trash can in .6 seconds.

I'm not a bitch I'm the bitch and it's Miss Bitch to you!
Whether you're Ms, Miss or Mrs., your last name is NOT Bitch.

You say I'm a bitch like it's a ~bad~ thing.
When you hear this five times a day, it IS a bad thing.



Email : dumbandloaded@dangergirl.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

One Liner:
A Bitch? Me? OF COURSE!!!

[Surely she wasn't relying on the strength of this one-liner?]



Name: desiree

Email : desiree@valium.com

[She has a matching "desiree" tattoo.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i make a man work for it..im worth all effort

[I'll bet if you turn her over, the instructions are written on her back.]

One Liner:
i used to be snow white...but i drifted

[Stayed up all night to think that one up, did you?]



Email : heartlessbitch@ifyoucan'tjoin'em.com

URL : no?

[You tell us.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
all I my FRIENDZ say I am a bitch on whiels and they are probably right and llike I like disrespect them and stuff all the time and take their stuff when they invite me into their stupid little homes and stuff, and they almost never suspect me.

[That's because they think you're too dumb to pull anything off.]

and one time i was dating this guy and he like dumbed

[No, no. You were dumb before he came along.]

me for this ditzy clonde chick and so I like really wanted to kill her, right?

[I can't blame him.]

anyway I pretended to like take it really well and calmy and stuff but then I

[That's your fourth "and stuff". You've fulfilled your lifetime quota.]

saw them at a night club and so I went up to his apartment, knowing he wasnt home, and spent a while picking his door open (it sounds easy when you read about nancy drew, but it is actually really vomplicated)

[Complicated as in you tried to pry it open with a bobby pin, but when you checked the knob, he left it unlocked.]

and I went into his house, snooped around a bit, shredded some things. I brushed the inside of his toilet with the toothbrush. I hope he has severe fucking gum disease!!!!!!!!!!!

[At least that's treatable.]

Look I didn't a BR thingy, arent you proud of me for knowning a minimle amount of html.
Idid it again!

[Yes, you have appeared on Weak of the Week before.]

anywaysh I like to go on irc and pretend to be like a cyber slut and stuff and then tell guys to open their pants and give their brains some air. sometimes they ask if i want to play with their brains and stuff, and so I say no, do you want to play with mine? wink wink

[Riiight. We both know that you don't have any brains.]

I really am nice but I know when to be biotchy and I thin that its an important part of being a heartless bitch. I like to be called a bich, i tell doffussess that and stuff. i lost one of my friends the 0other day and i like totally do not care????

[We know you don't have friends either.]

I also have a deep connection with birds, which should explain my (IMAHO) witty one liner down there. I thought about it for a really long time!

[Oh. Yes. I can't stop laughing (at you) myself.]

I have been filling out this form since yesterday. (chatting off and on on irc)

[Actually, this is about the same shit you submitted in August.]

And I even used the line on some dork and he said "omg you freak" and i thought that was really funny.

[Aren't you used to the "running away in fright" response by now?]

maybe i will start a club called bitchy freaks and we can be sister clubs.

[Maybe, someday, the treatments will be successful. I look forward to that, myself.]

right now while i am writing this, I am making a doll of that guy who dumped me for that MFSOBB blonde and I am going to mutilate the dolls' testicles and pull all its hair out in a circle of candles tomorrow night. tuesday is a sacred day! amen! satan! woof! I hope it works, so wish me luck, I hope he has lots of bruises on wednesday morning.

[What can I add to that?]

Well I think I did realy good on this form, I have spend LOTS of time on it and I think you guys are like so cool, so hope to hear from you soon!

[You forgot your "and stuff".]

One Liner:
If I were the queen of like, all the like seagulls and stuff I would send all the other seagulls down toe harrass you and peck you and poop at you and fly around by your head. I would pick two handsome seagulls though to stay up and pamper me and bring me worms and stuff.

[Here is the first application]

Email :theyallcomefrom@aol.com

UserID : KWeeNbEe

[For reasons unbeknownst to me, KweenBee wanted to appear on Weak of the Weak. Behold.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I am THA heatless bicth, i don't let NO ONE SCREW WIT ME!!!! I am totalley bitchy to all my "friends" and I date people and then when they are asleep I have this "lucky pocket knife" and I make slipht laserations on there little privetes and then i run away and laugh and laugh and laugh!~~~ and I right about it and tell all my "friend" about it and other people who are just like on the street an stuff around my apartpent and they all like oh your so EVIL!!! i dont have ne real friends because I just am so a bicth to them and theu are all frightened of me and shiat!!! I go to there houses and I steal from them and they are like, they never notice. i ha a date and he tracked me down wonce and he said I was a sychopath and I laughed at him but then he had me arrested because I made all the little lasarations on his privetes and stuff so I just was totally bitch and shit to all the people. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

[There are many things that frighten me about this. Kweenbee attends public schools. This is most likely how she talks in real life. She is untreated.]

One Liner:
I am the big fat man sized seagull queen and I am too busy being pampered so I make asll the little frightened segulls go down and peck you on the head.

[Yep, untreated.]



Email : wouldbepimp69@aol.com

UserID : bigpimp

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm a Heartless Bitch Because men need someone to tell them what to do or nothing will get done!

[You could always try doing something for yourself.]

One Liner:
Don't get me wrong....You are MY money makin whoe.

[What is a whoe?]



Email : airhead@aol.com

UserID : aeroBitch

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Sappy love scenes make me sick.

[Me too.]

I laugh at Death, injury, pain.. etc.. all that good stuff that the heartless apprecitate. I also seen to have no feelongs whatsoever other than hate/.

[Ho-hum.]

One Liner:
I do not give a shit about whether or not you use my one-liner so go to hell.

[What one-liner? All I see is a desperate attempt to reject before you're rejected.]



Name: Nique

Email : Nique@nothingbettertodo.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
This is like a highschool club! Answear these statements correctly with correct grammer,

[Which you couldn't do.]

and maby we will let you in. Don't feel much like playing today girls.

[So why are you here? To deliver a verbal spanking? Bring a smarter paddle, next time.]

One Liner:
I am a bitch but beiing cruel to others? come on!

[You'd rather ride your high-horse out of town.]



Name: Danielle

Email : danielle@idjit.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
becuz i dont put up with crap.

[You just spell like it.]

people call me a bitch and i am proud of it! I am such a heartless bitch that when my best friend was crying, i didnt say...aww you ok? i said...awww, the babys crying...suck it up or get out loser.

[Shitting on your friends doesn't make you a bitch, it makes you lonely and short-sighted. Who are you going to cry on when you read this?]

One Liner:
I'm a bitch? nah...I am a SPOILED PRISSY BITCH! I smell something..oh wait, it's you

[Nah, it's your application.]



Email : jrloser@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
[Her boss didn't tell her what to put here.]

One Liner:
My (female)boss suggested that I apply for membership. I've only worked there for 3 months! I suppose my "bitchery" shows through. I'm so proud:)

[Next time you apply, try to show US your bitchery.]



Email : verydilute@aol.com

UserID : psycobitch

[Uh-oh. Here we go.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
im a heartless bitch because when i get mad, i not only get even, but i get evil. when my darling ex boyfriend decided to try and get with EVERY SINGLE ONE of my friends, i decided it would be best to go and have his phone turned off for good,

[Define "for good". I can't imagine why he couldn't just reconnect it.]

and then i almost got him arrested. just for fun of course.

[I can just see you and your idiot friends congratulating one another on how you really fixed him. I can also see you taking him right back.]

and when my other ex decided to cheat on me, i decided it would be best to scare the hell outta him. i almost gave him a sex change.

[Yawn. Yeah, right, you're such a bad-ass you almost cut it off. Wake me when you're done.]

i guess im a bitch cuz whenever someone starts in on there complaining about how love is unfair, i start in my speech about love being an over rated sham that is aimed towards people as this wonderful thing when in reality all it is a stupid excuse for everyone to whine some more about their god damned problems

[Amen. That's all you've done so far.]

that no one really cares to hear anyways. ive been called a bitch so much that i might as well just change my name to it.

[I would think you'd change it to idiot, or stupid. Something you're REALLY called a lot.]

not like i think its an insult, cuz ive grown to be very pround of my bitchiness. to be honest, i know i am a bitch and i will always be one.

[It helps if you keep telling yourself that.]

to be even more fuckin bitchy and honest, i dont need ur god damned web site to verify how much of a bitch i am.

[That's not what we are here for anyway.]

i know i am one and i dont need u to tell me i am. if u dont think i am, thats fine as all hell, but that only shows much a bunch of whiners U really are.

[Oh really, l'il Miss Hissyfit?]

and as for the thing about the free emails, i dont have a damn email account.

[So get one.]

so the only one i use is yahoo cuz its the only one i need.

[Bitches pay their own way.]

but of course u dont except it cuz u wanna try and prove that ur bitches.

[No, they aren't accepted because so many of the free accounts provide no real way to monitor their users. Get your own ISP. Until then, go and play in the sandbox with the other crybabies.]

whats up with that? so i had to use my friends just so i can try to prove to u that i am a bitch.

[Heartless Bitches don't use their friends.]

my real one is crybaby@yahoo.com because i dont have any other choice.

[Get real. Call back when you grow up. Why don't you pay your friend for the use of one of her AOL screen names?]

i dont have anything else to use.

[Wah fucking wah. The world doesn't owe you a living, and we don't owe you membership.]

so u dont have to accept me cuz i dont need u to. i love myself and thats all i need.

[Well, SOME people want a little more than that. Glad we could provide.]

have a nice damn day.

One Liner:
1.Keep ur pin in ur pants!

[Ouch! I remove all those pins they stick in your clothes. I hate those nasty surprises.]

2.If u keep messing with me, im gonna cut u off with dull, rusty scissors, the kind that dont even cut through paper.

[Then how will it sever flesh? Who's going to hold still long enough for you to do this?]

ill just slightly pinch and pinch until after a while itll start to slowly bleed but never make a real incision. then ill continue this until it is completely severed.

[It will just be a mass of contusions, nothing more. Why is this funny, anyway?]

no matter how long that takes. snip snip. (heehee, i said that to this one guy, that every time he sees me, he makes sure there are no scissors around. and once, this kid stole all the scissors in my house. lol)

[I don't get how you can brag about slicing dicks and whine about not being able to have your own e-mail.]



Email : needastretcher@wa.freei.net

UserID : triskit

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

[Filled out in invisible ink.]

One Liner:

[Blind panic, I would guess.]



Email : crummy@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Go find Someone else to "Play with " .. This bitch is Pay-per-view!!

[And only 3.95 per night. Check your local listings.]

One Liner:
Users need there "teeth " knocked OUT!!

[What does it mean to put the teeth in quotations? Figurative teeth? Fangs? Something that resembles teeth to some degree? The only way you could be more ridiculous would be if you actually did the quotation motions while you talked.]



Email : holdthemayo@cmd.com

UserID : canine

[Ooh, clever. Dog, bitch, canine. Never thought of THAT one.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Just sign me up and quit looking for a way to toss me out.

[That's like telling a fish not to look for water.]

One Liner:
Never argue with a woman who knows how to read.

[Next time use those reading skills, so I don't have to throw the book at you.]



Email : sataninside@aol.com

UserID : poohbear

[Stop, the irony is killing me.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I don't give a fuck about the colour of love, or how people fall in love over the net. I know this looks terrible, but I want you to recruite me anyway.

[People in hell want ice water. Is this "Give everybody an "A" day"? Think of it this way, when you actually get accepted, you'll have earned it.]

One Liner:
I know he broke your heart, but if you don't shut up I'll break your fucking arm, and I guess I'll hurt more.

[If you're going to traipse through the fantasy land of arm-breaking, you might as well go with gusto. Of COURSE it will hurt more.]



Email : bodyman@dummy.net

UserID : henusbitch

[HENUS? Makes me wonder how she spells penis. Probably Peinous.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i got a dick(ego) bigger then most men.

[You appear to deserve it as much as the usual egomanic.]

i hate priss's,stuck on themselves chicks,prepie chicks, don't get me wrong, i like being a women, but women are caddy,backstabbing cunts. My best friends have always been a guy.

[Oh really?]

i have 1 female friend(best),

[There goes your credibility.]

because she is my clone.

[Therefore the only person that can stand you.]

and also my teenager daughter is becoming a future HeartlessBitch, i am so proud,she is just like her mom. I am very well liked in my town,and respected.

[You have a teenage daughter? Please tell me that English is your second language.]

One Liner:
"whatever,fuckyou"

[That's supposed to be three words.]



Name: Sam

Email : lotteryname@cs.tut.fi

UserID : sam

[Sam also has matching tattoos, in case he leaves his ID at home.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I love the world I love the world I love the world I love the world

One Liner:
I love the world I love the world I love the world I love the world

[Times like this I often wonder what compels people to do the things they do, and some dark part of me is hoping that it isn't drug use.]



Email : doctorinthehouse@primus.com.au

UserID : sucker

[Self-analysis at its finest.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm sick of being the victim and letting him treat me like one!

One Liner:
You get what you settle for

[Deep down, people know what's wrong with them.]



Name: leslie

Email : josef_k@fuckwit.com

UserID : CrazySlut

[Apt description or clue?]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I wouldn't let the last scum I was with slither out quietly. I compeletly made his life hell in so many ways and am hoping that I will make his life hell here and there for the rest of his pathetic life.

[Then you should have kept him. I can't imagine anything worse.]

I will stop short of illegal.

[And getting a life. God forbid you should go on with yours.]

I'd love to kick his ass Mano y mano and that goes for any other prick I can outfuck, outthink and outmaneuveur.

[So why does slumming appeal to you? If you outclass them (ya, right), what's the attraction? Talking in a loud, boastful manner about a man you can best doesn't make you anything but a fool. You were a fool to get with him, a fool to STAY with him, and now that it's OVER, you're a fool to perpetuate this nonsense.]

Screw em and rue the day you fuck me THE true Mega bitch of my time. All my exes earn my hexes--

[No, no, no. It goes "All my exes live in TEXAS...."]

One Liner:
Remember girls, revenge is a dish best served cold, preferably over and over again for maximum indegestion for the Victim-- your prey--

[Life for you is just one long cycle of repetition, isn't it?]

Read the Previous edition of the Weak of the Week

Copyright© Heartless Bitches International (heartless-bitches.com) 2000


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