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1999-2001
Weak of the Week
The best of the worst M ship Applications

For the Week of July 21, 2002
edited by



Name: Natalie

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I have pride in myself--I don't sell out. I don't melt into a perfumed puddle, bat my fake eyelashes, or blush when a guy TRIES to flirt or be seductive.

[What a fine distinction. When he DOES flirt, does this occur?]

Have I had my fill of stupid people??? Yes, I have. I wish there was a government regulated program in which stupid women would be sterilized and have their tongues cut out.

[Would this be limited to only the women?]

Reproduction would be a big mistake, and I can only roll my eyes at their bubbly voices a limited number of times before they begin to ache. Of course... stupid men would just castrated and then be made to work in chocolate factories in Switzerland (a worthy occupation if there ever was one!).

[How come THEY get to talk? (I'm ignoring the other uses for a male tongue.)]

(Fun Facts) I don't cry at "sweet" insipid movies. I seldom cry at all, and when I do LEAVE me ALONE... I don't want a fucking hug or advice(especially from a guy)!

[You've cut the tongues out of the women already.]

Guys are usually afraid of me because I read books that are thicker than their .... !!!

[You can do that with Stephen King, but is his fiction really intimidating?]

I don't scurry away from confrontation. I'm a tell-it-like-it-is kind of girl and I'm not going to gloss anything over... If you can't handle it, find a friend (girls) or a girlfriend (guys) who will lie to you!

[I'll just take "Stable" for 200, Alex. (Did anyone else notice that only women lie…well, in her hetero only little world, that is?)]

Here is my favorite: "You don't want to have children??? Omygosh, what is wrong with you!!!" No, I do not want to fuck up my body carrying a little parasite for nine hellish months. And I'm certainly not going to rip myself open trying to push the little shit out--No thank you!

[Certainly presenting them with your current mental status should eliminate all further prospects of your incipient motherhood.]

"Pop" music should be stopped, and the singers' skins should be used for real musicians' drums.

[This, too. I'm not sure that human skin is a good medium for drum heads.]

One Liner:
I will not apologize for a "lack" of sympathy, speaking my mind, ignoring men, and laughing at people who deserve it!

[I think that quotation marks are overused. Many people just don't seem to understand what they mean all too often. Aside from actually QUOTING people, they are also used to subtly use a word that you don't agree with in the context that you're using it. For example, if someone criticizes you for a lack of sympathy, but YOU don't think that's true, you'd stick quotes around the "lack." If you DO think it's a fair statement, you'd simply leave the quotes off. You don't seem to be expressing any sympathy here at all, so I'm not quite sure what you mean by a "lack."]



Name: cheryl

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I've been devorced for 13 yrs. It took 20 yrs for him to finally leave me alone.

[Not a math major.]

I'm also a journeyman electrician and deal with alot of men and their problems in working with a woman in a skilled trade.

[Are there still women who aren't working in a male-dominated field or skilled trade? You wouldn't think so from the applications I get. Please, for the love of all that you hold holy, stop telling me how Heartlessly Bitchy you are because you have a job.]

I still go out with the wrong men but I figure " you have to kiss alot of frogs to find a prince" But I'm not giving up.

[You'd have better luck finding a prince if you dated the RIGHT men. Most often women can't figure this out until AFTER they date them. If you know before you date, you're ahead of the game.]

One Liner:
Let me think about this one

[Think about the whole thing. I'm generous.]



Name: fooey

[Hong Kong?]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I am THE Heartless Bitch...

[Brace yourselves.]

I am the bitch who screamed at her mother.
Whenever she hit me, I asked for another.
She exiled me from home on a regular basis.
Said I was capable of donning many faces.

[Jeez, your own mother finds you two-faced and phony?
This Dr. Seuss schtick can't hide that you're full of baloney.]

She hates me now (as she has before),
"Fuck her", I say (and I will some more).

[Fuck your mother? Euuuuw! Stick to one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish. You can't go wrong with a classic.]

She despises the fact that I do what I LIKE,
She detests me because we are so ALIKE.

[Apple doesn't often fall far from the tree.]

She HERSELF is a Heartless Bitch,
The Original Tough-Love-dispensing witch.

[Is it working?]

See, I come from a long line of bitches...
My sharp wit and tongue were my inherited riches.

[The tragedy, of course, is you worked hard on this,
As applications go, I'll give it a miss.
Your words are quite trite, ridiculous and lame
You found a new way to say it, but it's all the same.]

I am the bitch who assaulted her boyfriend.
For inflicting damage the shrink couldn't mend.
When he called the cops, they laughed at the guy.
(You see, I weigh 90 pounds, and am 5 feet high.)

[Your boyfriend or your mother's boyfriend? The shrink couldn't mend you or him? Quite often a girl will beat on a guy simply because he refuses to hit her back. Surely you don't find THAT funny.]

He drove me nearly to madness, I think.
No question about it, he drove me to drink!
When I wanted to see him, I had to go to the BAR.
He commandeered my truck; didn't have his own car.

[Little miss victim, she has no choices,
she must be agreeing with all of her voices.]

You MUST be a bitch when you can't stand yourself.

[No, you're a bitch when you dare to do something about that.]

You KNOW you are when it's a hazard to your health.
People are afraid to hear what you'll say next,
Your loved ones leave your home feeling vexed.

[This points to some kind of illness, actually.]

I TRY to be nice, but try as I might,
That "bitch gene" is in me pretty goddam tight.
So, to hell with everybody, I say...
'Cuz to be honest, I fuckin' LIKE me this way.

[Although your application was chock full o'shit,
It was original, I'll have to admit.
Too bad you're just crazy, ill, mad, or sick,
because I'd have let you in, and let you in quick.]

One Liner:
Any woman who strives to be like a man lacks ambition.

[Where'd all your originality go? Dr. Seuss has left the building.]



Name: Jessica

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Even after overdosing on Gatorade(r),

[Drink deeply. The poison's at the bottom.]

my presence still inspires confusion in the poor minions.

[It's all that damned Gatorade.]

I don't care if you don't like Gatorade(r).

[Naw. It's you I don't like.]

My sense of humor may be screwed up, but I'm not afraid to admit it.

[Well, where did you put it?]

I don't like cats.

[I don't like asparagus.]

One Liner:
When Life thinks it has you down, kick it in the groin and laugh.

[I think Life wears a cup.]



Name: Samantha

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
U THINK A HEARTLESS BITCH HAS QUALITIES???

[We've even provided a convenient cheat sheet for our none too b-r-i-g-h-t applicants.]

ARE YOU FRIGGIN KRAZY??

[Ask me that if I accept this application.]

Oh well since I'm actually applying to this I guess I could spare you for a couple seconds

[Why don't you just SPARE ME?]

(thats my one nice dead (yes i know i misspelled it, DO U HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT??

[It only makes reading this even longer than it should be.]

WELL THEN GO PISS IN YOUR CHERIEOS!)

[Naw. They stay crunchy in MILK.]

so dont expect it again. I'm basicly a clinical bitch.

[Clinical and certifiable.]

I attend anger management classes

[..got an F.]

(and have been kicked out once too),

[Probably happens more often than you think. It's anger management class. Yours was court-ordered, wasn't it?]

I'm bipolar... which causes me to have uncontrolable angry outbursts (and because it's a disease I cant be held responsible for my actions,

[You'd probably avoid responsibility without the disease alibi. I'm finding it hard to take you seriously myself. A lack of accountability doesn't come automatically with bi-polar disorder.]

I'd just love to see you push me sweety I really would!!!

[Look how I've pushed you without saying anything. We get more rage than this from driving to work, little moron.]

CUZ YA CANT DO SHIT ABOUT IT!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

[Look at all the fun I'm having at your benefit, however.]

and I'm pretty much always in a rage

[Deranged, anyway.]

for no particular reason at anything that dont move, and especially things that do move! Do I choose to be this way?

[Absolutely you do.]

NO I DONT SO I WISH THIS PATHETIC LITTLE WANNA-BE ME WORLD WOULD GET THE FUCK OFF MY ASS!!!!!!!! I AM THE QUEEN AND I'LL TURN YOU INTO A PINYATTA FOR MY NIECE!

[Why on earth would anyone want to be a twerp with an over-inflated sense of rage? Stay away from parties. It's too tempting to play pin the tail on the…donkey. (Thought I was going to say "ass," didn't you?)]

One Liner:
Fuck with me and you'll get slapped, No 2nd chance... or 1st at that!

[Everyone gets the first chance. It happened when they fucked with you in the first place, otherwise, you'd be pointlessly and continuously slapping strangers. I don't care WHO you are, or how "rage" filled you claim to be, that's tiresome work. You'd get worn out around the 75th person.]



Name: Holly

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I hate assholes and have a great time telling them off.

[What do you expect from an asshole but a fart?]

No one is safe from the wrath, especially small children, that's why I never babysit.

[It's good that you know your limitations, but honestly, to brag about unloading on children is just sick and sad. Who CAN'T out-argue them? You: "Kid, you suck." Kid: "Waaah. I'm telling my mommy on you." Where's the sport in that?]

One Liner:
I don't take crap from anyone and I have my flying monkeies on hand in case anyone attempts to fling me some.

[Flying monkeys (those funky monkeys) should provide a lifetime supply of flung crap.]







Copyright© Heartless Bitches International (heartless-bitches.com) 1999
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