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1999-2001
Weak of the Week
The best of the worst M ship Applications

For the Week of July 14, 2002
edited by



Name: Deanna

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I survived (never mind, it isn't important now);

[When is survival not important...especially when YOU brought it up?]

I am not bitter; I'm not arrogant (but I am proud); I believe in myself; I stand up for myself; I set my goals; and I am happy. I believe those who face life's adversity can either wallow in it or pick themselves up and face the reality of their situation and deal with it. I did it with my hands tied behind my back (figuratively) - so can anyone else. I'm not a kick-ass, but I don't put up with crap (and at my age, I finally figured it out.)

[All of which would have been generally okay, but some people are their own worst enemies, and they can't control that defense mechanism from slamming down like a fuckin' anvil. This one's called "I'll reject you before you can reject me."]

If the "bitch bouncer"

[That's what I am, although I lean more towards "bitch talent scout" sometimes.]

finds something "wrong" with these qualities,

[What qualities? Why is wrong in quotes? If I find them wrong, then that's how I find them. The use of wrong there is absolutely correct. Putting wrong in quotes doesn't make the word mean OPINION, which is what it is--my OPINION, which you may or may not agree with. One of the biggest reasons you were rejected is your lack of understanding of this basic concept. Without understanding opinion, you will simply make a mess of our bitchboard, huffing and puffing about to prove your rightness because we find you, in your own words, "wrong," instead of simply in disagreement.]

(s)he can kiss my ass. I don't need "approval" because I enjoy my life as a "bitch."

[Are you or aren't you a Heartless Bitch? The successful applicants already know.]

I don't go out of my way to piss anyone off, but shit happens when one doesn't go along with the "program."

[What program? Did I miss a meeting? The idea that there is a program here, or that something bad will happen (and that's a good thing) because people don't go along with the program is absurd.]

Best wishes - I'm going to pet my new kitten and go to bed.

[You go play with your pussy. Don't let me stop you. Anything to keep your fingers off the keyboard.]

One Liner:
A "Bitch" isn't a slut, and "Heartless" isn't "cruel." I don't need your problems; you don't need mine. You take care of you; I'll take care of me; and we'll do fine. Otherwise, you're outta here.

[Like I said, she would have been fine without the defense mechanism.]



[Found this in the trash...is it anyone's?]

Name: MR ASIM

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I AM NOT A HEARTLESS BITCH BUT I WANT TO JOIN THE CLUB BECAUSE ITS COOL....

[We're not cool.]

THANK YOU
HAVE A NICE DAY!
BYE
EMAIL ME AT "I'm a loser, baby @EXCITE.COM"

[We're going to charge you for ad space.]

One Liner:
TODAY IS THE BEST DAY IN MY LIFE,I LOOK DAME

[Don't look for dames here.]

GOOD AND EVERY THING IS GONA BE ALLRIGHT!

[Eventually, yep.]



Name: Lacey

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm a heatless bitch because I was brought into this world by two rich snobish preppies

[You little ingrate. Those are your PARENTS, and you'd do well to appreciate it. Kids like you make me sick, ranting and railing against your horrible circumstance. Renounce your status, burn your belongings and high-tail it to a homeless shelter. How long would YOU last before you start to miss your rich, snobbish preppy parents? You don't have to grow up to be a snob, but you really sound stupid trying to wail about your circumstances when children in this country alone don't get anything to eat.]

and I take my resentment out on the world. I use what the gods gave me

[I.E. Your rich parents.]

to get what I wan't. I look at all the people I know and I say to myself "what can they do to benifit me".

[I wonder if your parents spoiled you. Now I know.]

and most of all there is not an argument that I've been in were I didn't get the last bitter word in.

[Even if it's just "oh YEAH!" I can see how you'd want those. I'll save the dregs of coffee for you, too.]

One Liner:
I'm not a material girl, I just like Stuff!

[That was a pretty weird movie. I haven't thought about it in ages. I always wondered if "Fluff" was really evil, and now I know. You haven't seen this? I can't blame you, it's one of those B horror-flicks that is better off passed over. Basically, this STUFF that looked like FLUFF was horribly addictive, and ate you from the inside out. Now that I think of it, it sounds like your life.]



[We get silliness from EVERYwhere. Here's one from the Flame department.]

Subject: Male Flame form : Durwood

[Now I know why Esmerelda didn't care for him.

First, the form itself:]

Name: Durwood

WeeWilly: Das Boot

shoesize: average

RetardationLevel: 156

MyBossMakes: Low

AsIf: Macalester College, BA/ University of Minnesota, Grad School

FakeDegrees: BA

IAmALoser: on

COMMENTS: I find your reprinting of e-mails and "dialogue" format ridiculous.

[This probably won't change your opinion.]

You basically reprint people's letters, interjecting every sentence or so to provide either entire paragraphs of diatribe, or ad hominem attacks.

[Don't forget humor. I try to provide that, too.]

If someone's letter truly IS crap, then understand that the person you're dealing with is an idiot and Let It Slide

[You're probably one of those whiners who cries,"Gimme a break," as if second chances, more time, and more opportunity is something you're entitled to by SOLE VIRTUE of being incompetent, incapable or just plain fuckin' stupid.

No one deserves slack, and no one should ask for it.

You're part of the reason that our graduates can't read. "Let it Slide, pass them along, shuffle them through."]

...The current way you respond to correspondence that can be categorized as worthless drivel suggests that you may feel insecure about some aspect of your argument.

[Nice try, Lazyboy psychiatrist. I do this because I find it too humorous to keep to myself. I don't do it to teach anyone (but it's cool if they happen to learn), and I don't do it for any altruistic purpose. I do it because I find it funny.]

Remember the cliche "I'm not going to dignify that with a response"? Perhaps it's something you need to consider.

[I don't consider cliche. That's more of your mediocrity showing.]

MyOtherName: Durwood

[Good riddance, mortal.]



Name: Carol

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I play hard to get and if a man ltreats me wrong I never forgive him, but take him back anyway and hold a grunge.

[Grunge, huh? That's pretty funny considering that what you do is dirty pool.]

One Liner:
I am a heartless bitch, but you know you love me!

[Learn to love yourself, then you'll understand that forgiveness isn't for them, but for YOU.]



Name: joanna

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i dont believe i need a man in my life, i just wanna get those cute ones, have some fun with them, and dump them.

[Be sure to tell them that you're just out for sex. That should make it easier. If that's what you want to do, fine. Just be honest about your intentions.]

i hate it when ugly girls get those cute guys, it's ridiculous.

[Maybe their ugliness is all on the outside, unlike some people who have it all in the personality.]

dont talk to me about true love, beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder and all that nonsense. i dont believe in no true love! it's all about getting and dumping! it makes me feel satisfied after i get a guy i want. this sense of confidence and achievement increases all the time!

[This is really worse than needing a man in your life. You have actually built your entire image around their acquisition.]

i hate it when people fall ill,

[I'm sure they look forward to it.]

the smell of medicines and hospitals just pisses me off.

[They aren't my favorite odors, either, but pissed off? Come on.]

old people are a huge burden to society

[I reserve that honor for the stupid. I'll trade even the crankiest gramma for one of you any day.]

and they make the trains and buses stink with the smell of their medicated oil and body odour.

[That's probably just your upper lip. It goes everywhere you do, you know.]

they ought to be exiled to museum-land. cancer patients and diabetics or whatever, their problems all lie in their minds!

[That's absolutely right, if all you cancer patients could just get OVER it and not have all those dangerous, deadly and expensive treatments, this world would be a better place. A lack of insulin is just a STATE OF MIND. Why didn't we think of this before? I suppose aging is all in your head, too. Just GET OVER IT. STOP aging and dying.]

if you feel good, u feel good! if u feel ill, then u're gonna be ill!

[I almost want to PUT her in the hospital. It's tempting to kick her ass and tell her that it's all in her mind. "No, I'm not bruising you, YOU'RE bruising you. Now will your arm to mend. Broken bones are just in your head. No, seriously, they're in your head. I've cracked your SKULL with my clue-by-four.]

it's all in the head! and they really shouldnt bother others with their problems!everyone has problems and i dont like to discuss mine with other people because they can't help!

[Yet here you are.]

in this world, it's about survival. i dont believe in friendships. friends come and go, we meet different people at different points in our lives. when they're of some use to us, they're our friends. when it's of no necessity to know them, they arent our friends. geeks and nerds are good when i get to copy their notes, get them to print notes for me. other than that, they're a disgrace to be seen around with in school.

[You need to know something about geeks. They get hip to people like you, and they start giving you incorrect information. Who are you going to complain to about it? I used to let creeps like you copy my tests, wait until you turned it in, then change the answers to the correct ones. Here's hoping you get medication for your mental illness. That one IS all in your head.]

One Liner:
i dont feel anything for no one in this world!

[That's probably a symptom.]



Name: Jennifer

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
My ex came over early one morning, thinking everything was perfectly fine.

[Let's see. Was anything different than any other time?]

He didn't have a key anymore, so I got up and let him in.

[Is he your ex at this point? Why'd you let him in if everything WASN'T fine?]

He then proceeds to strip down to his skivvies and climb into my bed.

[This is pretty normal behavior for a boyfriend. What's supposed to be different?]

I got up, got ready for the day, let him fall asleep

[Where's he been all night? You didn't dump him. You just made it official first.]

and then woke his ass up and kicked him to the curb. Not the most conventional of breakups, but hey...It got the point across.

[You know what would have gotten the point across? NOT LETTING HIM IN. Try telling him through the door that it's over, then tell him to go away. If he doesn't leave, call the police and have him removed. That usually works rather well. You can tell him to come back with the Sheriff to collect his things, and then GIVE THEM TO HIM. Don't ruin or destroy them.]

One Liner:
You asked for my opinion. I gave it to you. Now, grow up, accept it and get over yourself!

[What IS it with idiots like you who believe that their opinions are above question?]



Name: Mallah

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I am a heartless bitch because I have had too many run-ins with various pathetic, heartless people. Instead of becoming a patsy to their ignorant ways, I grew extra-thick bitch skin and said "Fuck All Y'all".

[I told y'all that was a common phrase.]

I live my life according to me. And, I'm am not afraid to buck heads with the best of them! I may not be stronger than some, but I SURE AS HELL am meaner!! I take control of my life and don't expect nor want anyone to take care of me like some baby! I compromise for NO ONE, fuck-U-very much (like thank you very much better more apt)! Truth be told, my dear old pops (may he rest in peace) taught me all I know about being a Heartless Bitch, whether he meant to or not. Now, don't label me a man-hatin' feminist.

[Can I label you an idiot? How do you feel about that?]

Most of my acquaintances are men and, despite their behavior, I favor their company more than women.

[I always worry when people tell me this. Usually, it means that they've assigned some pretty false and stereotypical human traits to gender. It's like saying that you favor the company of one particular race.]

Nevertheless, I am not afraid to treat men like the meat popcicles that they can sometimes be. On another note, you remember that commercial where that dumb model says, "Don't hate me because I am beautiful."

[She's an actress, too.]

Well, I say, "Don't hate me because I am a Heartless Bitch!" And, I wouldn't have it any other way!

[I'll just find you annoying because you're typically senseless.]

One Liner:
Fuck U very much! A lie is as good as the truth if it serves its purpose (watch out fellas!)

[Truth doesn't serve a purpose. The truth just is.]







Copyright© Heartless Bitches International (heartless-bitches.com) 1999
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