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1999-2001
Weak of the Week
The best of the worst M ship Applications

For the Week of June 16, 2002
edited by



Name: CASSIE

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

"Eat At Joe's."

One Liner:
If I had that

[If you had what?]

and you had a feather up your ass We'd all be tickled~!!!

[I wouldn't be laughing about a feather up my ass.]



Name: Caryn

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
...goddammit,

[Note for those who think that cursing is a strong opening. It isn't. Not when you couple it with a very weak application.]

I'm a Bitch because I don't apologize for who I am, not ever, and not to anyone.

[Even IF you're the asshole.]

I'm my own best friend and can fight my own damned battles. If a guy tried to fight for me, first I'd kick HIS ass for the insult of thinking for ONE second that I can't take care of myself,

[Sometimes people are moved to protect someone in the face of horrible injustice. It's not always about defending the poor, weak, girl. Someone who is only trying to help doesn't necessarily deserve a kick to the teeth for doing it. I'd kick them in the ass if they kept trying to help you, however. People who keep helping people who only hurt them in return have mental problems that they should sort out. In other words, you're an ungrateful wretch with no perspective.]

shove his battered corpse aside, and go beat the crap out of my enemy. Most women embarrass me with their nauseating dependence on men for their own sense of worth.

[No, you go out of your way to make sure that we know that YOU are not dependent, which really suggests that you are, or were, at one point.]

I don't associate myself with women like this, because their pathetic lack of bitchiness undermines everything I stand for, and if I hear their whining, I call them on it straight out with NO sympathy, and if that makes 'em cry, I LAUGH.

[Your emotions seem to be wired improperly. Wonder if you can get an electrician or something to help.]

If someone has the nerve to tell me that something I'm saying or doing is bitchy, well, that's when I know it's exactly the right thing to be saying or doing.

[Sometimes people use bitchy when they mean self-centered, mean, or just obnoxious. You shouldn't rely on people to let you know anything. What is the value of the opinions of various and random strangers, anyway?]

Fuck yeah. Heartless bitch, or just the best way for a woman to be? I say it's the latter, but if someone doesn't agree, they can kiss my big white ass.

[There's something I don't read EVERY SINGLE day.]

One Liner:
There's nothing you can give me that I don't already give myself, and no, you don't complete me. *I* complete me.

[Or else.]



Name: Donna

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
because I tell it like it is whether they like it or not. You either accept me the way I am or hit the road. I will not change for anyone and will only do as I please when I please

[After a while, "take it or leave it," "hit the road," and "I will not change for anyone" just sounds stagnant and cantankerous.]

and how I please. I am living with my husband in full realization that after 30 years of marriage he's really going to have to pay big time if he wants out of this marriage.

[Staying with someone you don't like means that you're paying BIG TIME, too.]

I will stay my fat ass right where I am and he will have to give me what I want as this is a community property state.

[After 30 years of commingling, you're probably going to get it, whether you're morally entitled to it or not.]

I have earned the right to do so!

[You've earned the right to sit on your big ass and wait to get his property? I can read between the lines very well. What you're telling me is that you've contributed zip to the marriage financially, and you want to be compensated for being married to him. How do I know this? Most people would tell me that they are going to get what they PUT INTO the marriage when they've put something INTO it. You just tell me that you're content to stay married until he pays you. Get a job.]

One Liner:
Be a bitch and be proud of it!

[What's to be proud of in you?]



Name: marshall

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
actuallu im not a heartless bitch, But i like that type of Womyn.I have read some of your comments and i really like them. Passive Womyn bore me, i prefer very aggressive, outspoken, opinionated, Super Bitchy types.

[Uh-oh. At least he's HONEST about wanting to date us.]

I live in LA
Ca

[As opposed to L.A., WEST VIRGINIA.]

and would really like to be a member of your group, you could consider me a fan or groupie.

[You'll just have to wait until someone (desperate) emails me for your contact info. Hold your breath.]

One Liner:
Beachy Womyn are very inteligent

[Oh, I thought you wanted BITCHES, and you just wanted BAYWATCH.]

[The profile.]

Wanted very assertive, strong. outspoken. opinionated, fashionable Woman

[cut his personal junk] You will find I am willing to help out with the housework,laundry,ironing. I dont drink,smoke,dont do anything illegal such as illegal drugs etc,dont gamble,dont go to vegas. Not into any kind of sports or camping etc.

[Don't you love how they list things that they SHOULD be doing as some sort of asset. Next they'll be sharing how they have NO prison record, NO outstanding child support bills, and NO warrants.]

My Hobbies and Interests.

Theater,opera,ballet,movies,museums,SHOPPING for clothes,shoes,boots,bags, for the WOMAN in my life,(I AM SINGLE)

[I love this. He wants to dress his woman.]

researching locations of bargain and unique items for the above. She also reades some of these magazines,Vouge,Elle,Essence,Bazaar,In Style and Cosmopolitan for the great

[No books?]

articles on how to control a man. I beleive WOMEN are superior to men and should control the relationship and when married should control the money also.

[Okay. In that case, I COMMAND you to expand your library.]

My Online Life,is a search for Woman with the qualities listed below

I admire Women who are very strong,assertive,agressive,opinionated,bitchy and DOMINANT. A big turn on is the type of Woman who is very fashion oriented and always dresses up loves clothes,shoes,boots,highheels,bags especialy designers like Louie Vuittan,Channel,Fendi,MCM,Prada,etc.Loves having her nails always done, and is into makeup.

[What in hell is he doing here?]



Name: Di

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I left my hubby after 13 years of marriage. He started getting mean on me and I don't stand for that shit. I left my kids with him also.

[That's a switch. Was he "mean on you" because he expected you to act like a responsible parent?]

He is good to them, better than I cared to be - so there they stay.

[Ah, NOW we get a better picture. Some people call it "intolerant of bullshit." Some fuckups call "mean."]

After I left I started working my way up to support myself and get off fucking welfare.

[How much do you want to bet that she's claiming those kids to get welfare?]

Now I am going to college for the first time in my life and majoring in Mathematics and Physics.

[Do the math on welfare fraud.]

One Liner:
If you ever hit me, you'll be signing divorce papers with your teeth from the hospital bed.

[I'd have thought that the teeth would be among the first things to go.]



Name: Molly

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm a very strong willed, opinionated, some may say ...no, will say stubborn woman, who is angered by insecure, weak minded people, thus resulting in my being called numerous names such as; Bitch which is in some cases a PG rated name

[And we live our lives by movie-ratings. In that case, my column is probably X because of the gratuitous use of fuck.]

compared to others,Vindictive little bitch, which is a name resulting not only from my personality but also my sometimes heartless acts of revenge against those who seriously cross me..and this also can result in the heartless bitch lable that has been placed on me numerous times.

[...because it's not YOUR fault. You had nothing to do with it.]

Don't get me wrong I am not a bitch without reason, or really most of the time it's not a concious descion,

[Great. You go through life unconscious.]

it's just me. Some if not all of my personality qualities have been conscrewed as heartless,

[You're conscrewed, alright, that's for sure.]

after some years of fighting it, I've accepted my fate of being viewed as a heartless bitch and even embrace it, seen as I am people rarely cross me.

[And none of it can possibly be blamed on you.]

One Liner:
If you are an insecure, weak person, don't bother approaching me, My job is NOT to raise your self esteem or nuture your wounded spirit. As stated in my AOL profile, with me, only the strongest survive!

[Excerpt from her AOL profile.]

A mystery of depths even I cannot reach, A woman so capable of such love and mercy, She will love you like none other, She will hurt you like none other..She knows her assets and she uses them well. For pain, for pleasure, in her arms only the strongest survive.

[Blech, I know. It goes on like that for a bit, though.]



Name: Caroline

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Once upon a time, in elementary school, I was told to play nice and share. After saying this everyday for a year of two, the teachers just told me not to make my classmates cry.

[In other words, you're a slow learner?]

Now don't get me wrong, I don't enjoy watching other people crack under pressure (okay, maybe a little). However, it does not impress me when someone becomes tongue-tied. People either know their shit, or should keep their mouthes shut.

[Or tie up their fingers.]

I'm a bitch because I DO know my shit, and if I

[I, on the other hand, refuse to learn anything about shit, except its proper place.]

don't (on that rare occasion) I have the balls to say it. If my opponent, whether in school or on the street, can't "walk-the-walk" than I have no problem taking them down with my intellect. I don't boast or brag, but I ALWAYS work for what I recieve. Forcing mommy and daddy to buy you something does not make you a "cooler" person, it makes you a bigger loser.

[It means that they have means, and you have a problem with their lives because you lack those means.]

If those people below me complain, they have no one to blame, but themselves. Ignorance is not an exscuse, it's a personality problem.

[It's really just a lack of knowledge. WILLFUL ignorance is a personality problem.]

One Liner:
Being a bitch does not mean that you are self-absorbed,rude, or manhating; it means that you are fearless, dominant, and proud to fight your own battles.

[If only the rest of your application was that good.]



Name: BECCA

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I hate it when people who are younger that you seem to think that they have more power and can push you around..and i fucken hate it when older brothers seem to think that just because you are younger that your automaticaly a 5 year old and not a young adult

[This is what life is like when you're a younger sib sometimes. Normally, the tables turn on those older sibs who have abused that age/size difference. This means that one day, you'll get your turn.]

.. so one day when he was treating me like a little kid i said hey if i act like a little kid then why dont' i be one so i poored milk all over his head which pissed him off but ow well,

[When you do things that that, you just reinforce the belief that you're immature.]

plus im always the negative one

[And the world needs more of those.]

of all my freinds so im considered the bitch and i seem nice but in the long run behind everyones back,,, they don't know what im really thinking,,,

[Dishonest, immature AND negative...you're an all-around whiner...er, winner.]

plus i fucken hate preps and there cute little prep clothes and they think they own the fucken world well i got news for them someday they will end up in a dark ally and they weill feel what is like to be "ow so totally popular"

[Ever watch "Heathers"?]

One Liner:
I like to be my own person, if people don't like my style or the way i dress well they can just kiss my ass..

[Think those preps feel the same way? Are we STILL fighting preps? It seems like the young upstart clique names change every year (rejects, sk8rs, goths) yet each year the preps remain.]

I may not be a skinny girl but i can do anything a fucken prep can.....

[Even get into prep school?]



Name: Anita

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i don't need to give a reason to be a part of this club, you should be begging me.

[And with a USER ID of "Death," how could we refuse? We did, though.]

One Liner:
my mother hates me.

[I'd tell her to get in line, but she FORMED it.]



Name: sheila

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
i basically hate everyone...who rejects me because they think I am not original

[You're not.]

...I do not have to go on a diatribe to prove that I am worthy of group of people who do not know me

[And do not WANT to know you.]

and more than likely wouldn't understand half of the vocabulary I use

[So far you've been using about a third-grade vocabulary. What's not to understand? You suck, and you're sour-graping all over the place about it. I GET YOU, believe me.]

One Liner:
If wanted to listen to your sniveling, whining, brat offspring all night I would have offered to babysit instead of buying an $80 theater ticket!

[I know this feeling. Did you get an usher?]



Name: noelle

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
unfortunately, due to the lemons that life has chosen

[Life doesn't choose.]

to hand me over my short time on this planet (all 18 years) i have chosen not to make lemonade but instead chew each slice of them and contemplate why i have been fated with all this misfortune.

["I like it because it is bitter and because it is my heart." -Stephen Crane.]

One Liner:
straight forward to the astonishment and usually abhorrence of others both male and female.

[It can't be YOU, though.]



Name: Anita

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I've been called a bitch for my LIFE! Finding your website, which I did by typing in "I hate stupid men" at Google.com, was an epiphany for me. *enormous wry grin*

[It's not as if it's hard to find us. If you want to impress me, find us on google by using "Blacksheep cockmonkey." I think that's harder.]

However, back to our muttons and the qualities you require:

1) I'm fearlessly intelligent. Not merely a high IQ score, but the courage to continously USE it. I was writing code for Digital mainframe computers when I was 14, not learning how to use makeup. I did choose to use makeup on my term, on my own schedule.

2) I use my beauty -- which my genes blessed me with -- combined with my high intelligence to present a professional and frightening front in the business world. This is powerful, and gets me called a Bitch rather often. Thus, I bought a button with the label "Beyond Bitch" and wore it on my winter coat for many years.

[Not ANOTHER hottie who believes she should "use what she got to get what she want."

3) I have two degrees of temper: hot, and cold. The colder temperature is more dangerous, but the hotter one is more showy. The colder one evokes Bitch status remarks.

[It's like you only have one switch with two settings. I have a dimmer switch.]

4) My ability to assess any situation in my personal or professional life, to compartmentalize and leave my emotions out of it, seems to evoke the highest number of Bitch name-calling. For example, I am in the process of selling my home. My spouse is calling me nasty names (Bitch among them) because I can separate from the emotional attachment to the house and coolly name prices. How ELSE to get a good price, the most money?

[You're in a divorce, aren't you? Understand now?]

5) I also have a talent for the wry joke, the spoken word, and an intolerance for the "professional welfare recipient." I have seen far too many people in the world who seem to enjoy sucking on the government teat (and that's spelled correctly, by the way),

[Just who do you think your audience is here? You think I don't know "teat." If so, you don't know "sheat." (which is NOT a real world, but is funny.)

and I'd like to take away their right to reproduce so they can't make any more of themselves!!!

[If I had any say at all about what people did with their reproductive organs, I wouldn't limit this ban to just the impoverished.]

One Liner:
Sorry, my "bon mots" are usually best done spur of the moment, and I don't have my own scribe following me around to record them.

[You don't remember?]



Name: MICHELLE

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:

I get tired of hearing people complain about things that dont work out for them. Like i wonder f*ckin why. Why the hell dont ugly men take the fact that i would not stoop to their class, im a hottie and dammit i want a hottie.

[Have you tried the prisons? I've heard that there were lotsa hotties in there.]

Most of all no one should get a second chance for anything.

[Don't reapply. I mean it.]

this is my life so why cant it be "my way or the highway?".

[Because it's my life, too. It ain't all about you.]

I think what i think, then i say what i think, and screw you if you dont like it.

[Yawn-a-doodle-doo.]

One Liner:
Dont like my attiude? Thanks, it made my day!!!!

[Return the favor and skedaddle. Make like a tree and get the fuck out of here.]





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