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1999-2001
Weak of the Week
The best of the worst M ship Applications

For the Week of February 17, 2002
edited by





Name: Her Supreme Darkness Jezzebel de Beelzebub

[Yes, the Princessa of Dumbass came back.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Greetings on behalf of His Supreme Malevolence Satan, Lord Reigning over All Darkness. I greet thee, yet less cordially than the last time.

[Shoot for less stupidly than the last time. It will work better.]

Thou hast forbidden to perform the Supreme Will of Satan by making his bride (me) into a Heartless Bitch,

[I can't make caviar out of fish eggs.]

though I am more deserving than each and every one of thee. Thou hast hampered

[Mayhap Satan hath abandoned thee?]

my SINISTER plan to take over thy sorry page and rule the world in the name of His Most Sinister Presence. Though HE would have been satisfied with the damn HBI card, but noooooo. Shows you what a Sinister and Melancholy Bitch I am! Muah-ha-ha.

[Muah ha ha. Make your own site and rule the world.]

In my gloomy abyss of lonliness

[That explains the insanity. Get out of the house. Now!]

I often weep tears of BLOOD

[Were they of black bloodiness?]

about how thou hast declined to make me a BITCH- and I hath thought about how if I hast been but a wolfette.

[Yes, being a wolfette would have made a difference.]

Many a night have a spent waiting for midnight to strike when I canst pray to my Lord of Nefariousness and hath him make me a BITCH.

[My savior has 10 lines no waiting. Satan should get a 24-hour prayer line.]

My prayers hath fallen to deaf ears. But not to fear- I hath gone to the shop (a local satanic giftshop in Vermont)

[I have long suspected that Vermont was the vortex of evil.]

to buy the Malevolent Candles to perform my spells. Hopefully, my pleas to the bleeding moon hath worked.

[Which moon bleeds?]

I supplicate thee one final time- MAKE ME A BITCH, OR I SHALL HAVE THEE KNOWEST THAT I HATH THE POWER TO RELEASE ALL EVIL OF THE HEINOUS OCCULT OF PAST AND PRESENT UPON THEE AND THY SHALL DIE WITH THE BREATH OF A MILLION PANGS OF SHARPNESS. Don't believe me? You should be scared.

[Who wouldn't be scared? You never know what insanity will do.]

One Liner:
The thought that I am not yet a BITCH, makes me want to slit my wrist, as I watch gloomily as the blood down me flows, more thouroughly than Shelley's prose.

[Keep reading. You'll figure it out one day.]



Name: Sabrina

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
shoOt the fuCcin' sunshine and don't come at me with your 'i'LL give you the sun the moon and the stars' buLLshyt.

[If someone offers that to you, make him present the receipt.]

I am tired of aLL the complications that 'Giving a fuCc' brings. Be kooL with the ones that feeL ya...turn the coLd shouLder the the fooLs and bitches that try to anyLize you when they have no idea...to them I say "gO play in traffic."

[Stop asking for advice if you don't want people analyzing you. Keep your business private.]

One Liner:
'i don't give a fucc'

[Wasn't that a rap album?]



Name: Patricia

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I goy married July 01, he has left already leaving me

[You sure know how to pick 'em. Count your blessings.]

with all the bills and then has the nerve to call me and ask me for momey.such a pain in the butt

[This tells me nothing. What did YOU do about it?]

One Liner:
Men expecially if you meet them in bars such.

[Learned that one, did you? Excellent tip. Here's a free one for you: avoid prisons, too. Even if they are hotties.]

Never trust a man when he says he was in Vietnam and was born in 1960

[Tell me that you didn't fall for that one. I can see you after the wedding, watching the History channel, counting on your fingers and saying, "Heeeey, wait just one…yeah, ONE, pea-pickin' minnit."]



Name: Elisabeh

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I have been screwed over so many times that I have become oblivious about men's feelings.

[How about your own?]

I have finally realized that, it just doesn't matter.

[Yet you try anyway, never changing a thing but your underwear.]

My greatest story, however, is about my ex-boyfriend (1 1/2 years) that I bestowed revenge on. He began dating the girl that he cheated on me with (total fat bitch) so I took the screw that plugs his oil in his car and did a few other (harmless...hehe) things to his car.

[Oh, I bet that learned HIM, alright.]

One Liner:
I would be worried if someone didn't call me a heatless bitch.

[I'd be worried if they did.]



Name: Stephanie

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I scream at my boyfriend over the smallest details even (and especially) when he doesn't deserve it.

[Ask him why he stays with you.]

One Liner:
Can't think of anything

[You'll sound like bookends.]



Name: CARMEN

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I AM A SINGLE PARENT OF 1, I WORK FULL TIME, I GO TO SCHOOL PART TIME, MY DAUGHTER'S FATHER IS IN JAIL SERVING A 27 YEAR SENTENCE AND I FEEL LIKE IN THIS KIND OF SITUATION I HAVE TO BE A HEARTLESS BITCH.

[If you'd had been a Heartless Bitch BEFORE the situation, you wouldn't be in the jam now.]

One Liner:
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!

[Sure you do. You just pick criminals.]



Name: Anistagia

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
because i use them skrow them and brouse them

[Let's just make up verbs. Snickerydong!]

One Liner:
I don't need you I got a pussy vibrater

[Her car needs shocks.]



Name: Sandra

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Why should I cater to stupid people? HELLO! You worship ME and the ground I walk on! Now fuck off and polish my toenails ...

[Strike that, reverse it.]

My ex refused to follow my order and I superglued his weenie to his stomach!

[It reached all the way to his stomach?]

One Liner:
200% Bitch!

[She's super dense!]



Name: April

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I had this man over to my house just for a quickie, but i decided i wasn't in the mood. So after he was done making me happy, i made him leave and haven't talked to him since.

[Throwing out the baby with the bath water.]

I broke up with my previous boyfriend because i didn't feel like being with him anymore.

[I woke up because I wasn't sleepy anymore.]

If my friends ask me if they look fat, i tell them.

[They should tell you a thing or two as well. If they haven't, then they are just saying them ABOUT you.]

This guy named bong wrote me the longest love poem i had ever seen in my life. He told me he had spent a lot of time on it and cried when he proofread it. I told him it was corny and that is was retarded and that he should've given it to someone else. I don't need a pussy.

[Well, HE did. Did you give him yours?]

One Liner:
He said he couldn't be with me anymore because of college. Funny how college for him was still 8 months away.

[But his date was 8 minutes away. Learn to recognize an exit line. This wasn't because he was stupid and couldn't ADD….]

Then he asked if we could be friends and i replied " well, i have college in two years, so we can't. "

[He turned cartwheels all the way to the car.]



Name: I suck

[Yep.]

Email : Yousuck@Weallsuck.com

UserID : asdf

URL : yeah, my penis hahaha

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm a heartless bitch because an evil vet researched forbidden magicks to resurrect his long lost puppy love. However my soul was corrupted and I turned on him,

[Biting the hand that fed you. For shame.]

devouring his warm heart organ to soothe the torment within my own fetid soul.

[He should have used the "self-destruct" rider on his spell.]

Fear the Heartless Bitch that limps in the night, with teeth dripping with puppy drool and fetid dander. For I come not only for your flesh, but also for your sanity and your soul. Buwhahahaha

[Just imagine an evil UNHOUSEBROKEN puppy.]

One Liner:
Whether land or sea of space or sky, all living things were born to die. I'm the reason why.

[No, you're A reason why I feel like jabbing a pencil in my eye.]



Name: God

[Boy, have WE got questions for you.]

Email : God@heaven.org

[The worst is confirmed.]

UserID : Lucifer

[An old poker buddy.]

URL : Yes, but you would die if you saw it

[If I saw it, I'd be dead. It's not the other way around.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I am a heartless bitch because I threw Adam and Eve out of the garden of Eden for disobeying me.

[Admit it. You set them up.]

I knew how hard it would be for them and their descendants, but if they cannot obey a simple order they have no right to be in my garden.

[Fire your secretary, God. It should be "My."]

Also I don't bother to respond to all those petty prayers people have. Don't they know I have better things to worry about then who wins a football game or whether little Pete lives an extra six months.

[Like what?]

One Liner:
I'm not your father. I'm your great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great

[Are you finished yet?]

great great great grand father, so quit bugging me for money.

[Beware the groove.]



[The confession]

Name: Nothing

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'll tell you why I'm not a heartless bitch.

I'm not a heartless bitch because I care what other people think about me, even if they don't know what they are talking about.

I'm not a heartless bitch because I go to websites like this and flood fill any input mechanism with bullcrap for a chuckle.

I'm not a heartless bitch because I care about the fact that I've never had a woman. I care so much that I let it make me insane.

[Insane? Nawww.]

I'm not a heartless bitch because I get pissed off at people I don't even know for their opinions, ones that they weren't even telling to me in the first place.

I'm not a heartless bitch because I alternate between passive and extreme aggression rather than just being assertive all the time.

I'm not a heartless bitch because I take a sadistic pleasure in the pain and suffering of those I dislike.

[Who doesn't? However, when you punish it should hurt, not amuse.]

One Liner:
I'm not a heartless bitch at all, however, I still don't feel like a loser or slime. Hehe.

[Do any of you EVER?]

This is fun, it takes my mind off how much my life sucks.

[For all of five minutes? What are you going to do with the other 23 hours?]







Copyright© Heartless Bitches International (heartless-bitches.com) 1999
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