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Weak of the Week
The best of the worst Membership Applications

Edited by JadeSyren


For the Week of December 13, 2999

In the spirit of the season, we offer you a special treat this week:

A Brief interview with JadeSyren.


[Okay, so if I didn't pad this out a bit, it would be scant. Besides, you probably want to know the answers to this, really.]

Q: Where do you come up with the e-mail addresses?

JS:That's a good question. Normally the weak-artist will suggest the name from the content of the application, the name itself, or some feature that sticks out. I try not to use the same ID over and over and over. That's a bit challenging in itself.

Q: Why bring up the AOL profile? Isn't that a bit personal?

JS:Well, I try to use any and all resources provided to assist the applicant. Sometimes someone will show up with a pretty weak application, BUT they give me an URL or even just-so-happen to have an AOL address and I can see from their content that they are Heartless Bitch material. I figure the knife cuts both ways.

Q: This isn't all you, is it? I mean, no person is this funny.

JS:Thank you, but no. It's not all me. I've been known to pass around a very funny one from time to time, and incorporate some of the remarks. Natalie is also the final say around these here parts over what stays and what goes. Sometimes she'll just add something that I missed, and on occasion, she's done the whole she-bang.

Q: We're all dying to know. How DO you pick 'em?

JS:It's a long, complicated process. First, the app has got to suck buckets. Then, it's got to really stink. A lot. After that, it's got to get me thinking as soon as I read it about what I would say if it were Weak o' the Weeked. Some applications do this immediately. I just think to myself, "That little stinkburger just made Weak of the Week." I also try not to exhibit the same kind of lunacy over and over. Any little twerp can bash the site, and I'm not going to reward them because they got a new computer for Christmas. I prefer the ones that show a little dementia. You really can't fake that.



Name: pixibitch

Email : dykeslut@telusaboutit.idiot

[Don't blame ME, sometimes they name THEMSELVES.]

UserID : pixibitch

[I just love it when they do this.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Idon't give a fuck what you think, I'm just here to destroy you, and what you beleive in.

[How did you ever manage to UNDERSTAND what we believe in?]

One Liner:
"NO, how about you bend over and I Anally carnage you"

[How 'bout if I anally CABBAGE you, or maybe I could ANNUALLY garbage you.]



Email : dumbassgirl@aol.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
There are many reasons I consider myself to be a Heartless Bitch. When I first came across this webpage, my heart jumped. At long last, I had found a "secret society" of people who shared many of my views.

[Ask around, we ain't secret.]

But that really isn't why I feel I'm a Heartless Bitch. I could have told you that, before I saw the website.

[You didn't know me before the website to tell me.]

I've heard it often enough from my classmates at school, starting at an early age (4th grade). Hate me, because I'm an atheist. Threaten to cut my hair with scissors. Call me a bitch, because I won't let you copy my homework.

[That's not bitchy. I used to take tests, let them copy, let them turn it in, then write in the right answers.]

I truly don't care. If I want to be in charge, I am in charge. In case I don't want you to be in charge, I will let you know. The "you" isn't necessarily directed at whoever is reading this, it's just a running dialogue in my mind.

[Meaning you hear voices?]

The same dialogue I've had since pre-adolescence. Perhaps at this time, I seem to be running on a bit, but frankly, that is my prerogative. I have nothing to lose by writing. Frankly, I have nothing to win, either, considering I know in my soul what I am, already.

[And then the meds wear off....]

What I am, in my opinion, and in that of those who think I'm interested, is a black-hearted, mean-spirited, cold, calculating witch. But let's not stop there. Oh no. I enjoy being number one. No one else is allowed to be at the top, as long as I want it. I think I'm going to be a future "Texas Cheerleading Mom." Lord, I hope not. I'm really not the movie of the week type. Frankly, a two hour, lackluster televesion production of my fall from "grace" or "mainstream society" would not do me justice. If Melissa Gilbert were to play my part, maybe I would reconsider. Or not. I'll have to watch a few more episodes of Little House on the Prairie to make my decision. At any rate, I'm done here. If you have further questions, I left my email address above.

[The burning question is who is going to miss you first, the hospital ward you escaped from or the police?]

One Liner:
Beauty is fleeting, but stupid is forever.

[If you're going to quote Judge Judy, do it right.]



Name: Holly

Email : someguythatain'tben@boonies.ruralnet.net

UserID : ben

[Another guy? Her dog?]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I hate my pathitic friends whining about assholes that they go out with but cry and whimper over them when their not there..my advice to girls like that..'turn into lesbians!! u suit each other!

[Blammo! Presto-chango, down from the heavens came the lesbian-fairy. She heard your pleas to be turned into lesbians and now you are. In her neck of the woods, this passes for humorous insult.]

One Liner:
the difference between you and a bowling ball is that you can only fit three fingers in it! -directed to tarty sluty moles!

[Moles?]



Name: WaNtEdBiTcH

[How old do you have to be to find this KeWl?]

Email : loser@bigZERO.COM

UserID : BTCHLV2000

[She's got millenium fever...now how to break the news that she's still got a year to go?]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
BECAUSE I WILL STICK UP FOR MAH CLICK WHERE EVER AND WHENEVER

[With friends like you *'having her back', she's sure to get the *beat-down you both so richly deserve.]

One Liner:
IM A BITCH SO PUT UP WITH IT!

[Isn't it enough that you inflict your capslock key on us?]

[* If you don't understand what I'm talking about, you should make every effort to avoid repeating anything you hear on the rap videos that are so popular among the kiddies. Remember when all you had to do was listen to hard rock to rile your parents?]



Name: Ben

[Not the ben from the other post? Gasp and clutch the pearls.]

Email :girlfriend@thisisaswitch.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Actualy I think I'm that "Heartless Bastard"

[Bzzt! Wrong site. The ripoffs can't host anything nearly as funny as Weak of the Week. That would take creativity.]

I've read so much about in the "Weak of the Week".

[I don't believe I've ever written bastard yet.]

I suffer from Archaic Dominant Alpha Male Syndrome,
and untill those estrogen shots kick in, I'm
probably going to continue to do as I see fit.

[Why shouldn't you do as you see fit. Why should that stop simply because you've got estrogen (ie: Women) pumping through your veins?]

I teach Rape Proofing (self defence designed for women)

[I see your new buddies have been teaching you to spell.]

and I take great pleasure teaching "punishment"
techniques to my clients. I've no sympathy what so
ever for troglodites

[Like yourself. Troglodyte indeed.]

who seek to vent there inadiquacies
on weaker people. Listen hard ladies; knowledge isn't
power, ACTION is power. Knowledge is merely a tool.

[Meaning you run your mouth before you engage your brain. I'll be sure to repeat your philosophy to all people that do menial service. The fry chef at Mickey D's. The guy that cleans my window and vacuums my car after the oil change. Action, not knowledge is power. Yes indeedy.]

Isn't that what heartless bitchery is really all about?

[No.]

Action Takers? But please also remember; There is nothing
so strong as gentleness, and nothing quite so gentle
as true strength. OK?

[Are you asking me, or telling me...and just who the fuck are you to give advice? Some detox felon teaching women at the Y to hopefully get a date? Gimme a break. You sound like a sad, lame version of the Karate Kid.]

One Liner:
I refuse to let other peoples insecurities dictate MY actions.

[You have enough insecurities of your own.]



Email : talexander@nutuk.net

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I am the bitch of all bitches.

[Where have I heard THAT before?]

I have all the come backs ever thought up.

[They're all in a chain letter in your e-mail. I got that one too.]

I'm a 100% pure bred mouthy bitch honey!

[You misspelled IN.]

One Liner:
Your like the village bus - everyone's been for a ride!

[That's BIKE, nimrod.]



Email : Warped_Freak@ego.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
You should be honoured i want to join, mate.

One Liner:
Save it for someone who cares

[I love it when they answer themselves.]



Email : nothot@aol.com

UserID : Bullshit

[Apt.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Why the hell do you care..

[I don't. You should. You're trying to apply.]

actually its nobody's freaken business but if you must really know then its

[Okay, now I'm really curious. This better be one HELL of a story after all this introduction.]

because people annoy the living hell out of me and i am so sick of people who THINK that they have problems and they dont even know what the word means. People are all stupid and they need to get a life and move on and LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!

[A victim story. Clever. Glad you built this one up.]

I am SOOO tired of all these freaken loser guys and I just QUIT!

[Quit? You can't quit, you're fired.]

One Liner:
I am because I am

[Let's just see what you are.]

[Better than a profile, this is a AOL hometown page.]

~~**'Tarda La pRiNcEsA**~~

A LiL AbOuT Me:
Me: Aiight

[Damn you, Lauren Hill! Damn you MTv Raps.]

"well my name is Tarda and obviously i live in [name of town] where im all about!! I am 17 years old and im the "LiL OnE of ThE group!" my b-day is August 14,1982- so get me sumthin.. LoL... My hobbies are bombin, taggin, sketchin (characters),spraying, and airbrushing. i still go to skool and mylife is always exciting.. always sumthin new goin on.. so im gonna tell u a little more about me by tellin u about the people in my life.~~

PeOpLe In MaH LifE~~
JeN: Aiight well Jen is most def my best friend and i have known her for like 5 years. We met in 9th grade at skool and ever since we met..(after we hated eachother) we been mad close, but lately things have changed between me and her..she used to be so easy to talk to but things have most definetly changed for the worst..Jen always makes me laugh by doing all the stupid stuff that we do ie: car skills~~ hoppin onto the sidewalk..mad trees.. and everything else..(LoL)"
[I'll bet she's a straight D student.]

"Traci: Well what can I say about Traci?? LoL im so happy that me and tray have become closer this year. This girl has opened up to me and im soo proud! Im glad u finally realize who u r nena..shes also my moral support even though i neva listen to anything cuz we have such oposing beliefs..but i luv arguin wit u and makin fun of u, miss i think everything is funny unless it has to do wit me and u know who..LoL..well tray i wish u the best and i hope u get what u want..cuz shit i neva do..

OtHa PeOpLe In MaH LifE~~
Kate: AkA Rasheda mah ho.. girl u r just a trip.. She used to be soo quiet until we corrupted her.. LoL~~ Kate is the kinda person that u can tell anything and u know that she'll never tell anybody.. thats what is sooo great about her.. besides the fact that she cracks me up! Me and Kate have like a million inside jokes ie: teh goatey goat, do u suffer from lots of memory loss..TacO BeLL Gator.. u know da deal ma.. aiight well i could go on all day.. Kate is mah nigga no doubt!! we be coo for like eva!
Diego: I met Diego online a while ago~and he is a great guy. (mah Boo) Hes fine, hes sweet, and he only wants whats best for me- but he thinks that that means i should be with him. I luv him alot, but right now he needs to help me out by understanding that im really hurt and confused..I wish that i could be wit him because i know that he'd neva hurt me--but that cant eva happen till i get ova mah broken heart..

Juby:Juby is most def mah nigga fo life and she is soo great. She be givin me some good ass advice when she actually cares and i thank her fo that!

LiNkiE LiNkS~~~"

[Day-amn. Gotta get me sum o'dem linkie links. Ah'm Hongry, so I'ma git me som grubbie grub. Oh shi-yat! Forgot I was typin this Weakie Weak thangie thang. Bettah consintrayte or dey'll sen' mah dumass back tah skoolie-skool.]

tRiBe
HoT GrAff
SaNtEriA <---[Yes, Santeria, true believers.]



Email : mary.castaway@imatwit.edu

UserID : bee-atch

[I see....]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I have no consideration whatsoever for other people's feelings. I refuse to acknowledge the presence of others while I am in a room. I am always trying to be as loud as possible all of the time, yet I can pretend to be as sweet as sugar when I want. Oh,and I am always right and will prove it every chance I get.

[Well, go ahead. Prove you're right.]

One Liner: "Sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has to hold onto."

[Sometimes she doesn't even have that.]



Email : Whiny@nobodyshome.com

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Men are either controlling jerks who think they can control you or they are winey babies who you have to babysit.

[Stop trolling for dates at the rehab center.]

One Liner:
You say "bitch" like it's a bad thing.

[On you, it IS a bad thing.]



Email : giggle@slave.net

UserID : stevie

[Guess who this is. Stop using boyfriends as IDs. When you break up, it's going to suck when you have to type his name in. Get an identity.]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I am tired of being pushed around and manipulated by my guy friend.

[Then don't be. That was easy, wasn't it?]

He thinks I don't love him because I don't do what he wants me to do. I'm not his puppet!

[Oh yes you are. He pulls your strings and you do his bidding. Quick, go fetch him a beer, already.]

One Liner:
Girl Power

[This is the energy source of choice for your boyfriend. He speak, you do. His beer, brought to him by Girl Power.]



Email : snooty@bigfoot.com

UserID : Make My Da

[Dad?]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
First of all I'd like to know why your site is fucking going through my God Damn E-Fucking-Mail! When I scrolled down your question regarding my e-mail address, I find, as choices, the list of my private corresponence.

[You wouldn't just so happen to be running IE 5.0, would ya? What do you know about your computer besides how to turn it on?]

Your not interviewing me now Assholes,

[We're interviewing you always. We see all, we know all.]

The Worm Has Turned!

[Into...?]

That is an EXTREME VIOLATION OF PRIVACY! Send me proof of YOUR RIGHT TO ACCESS THOSE PRIVATE NAMES!

[It's in our disclaimer. Paragraph 4, subsection 3a.]

Show me where I can access your fucking private e-mail,

[You're not cool enough. So there.]

and allow me the same access to yours, you apparently think it's FAIR GAME,

[It's not only fair game, you AGREED to it. Change your settings. Boy, are YOU gonna feel stupid when you figure this out. (Note to the OTHER clueless types out there: IE 5.0 will "remember" choices you made on forms, and offer them as options when you fill out subsequent forms. It's a setting in your BROWSER. Our site doesn't see them - only YOU do.)]

GIVE IT UP IF YOU'VE DONE NOTHING WRONG!

[No, we're having too much fun watching you cry about it. Remember, we're not laughing with you, we're laughing AT you.]

Your too stupid to be BITCHES, and you just crossed the wrong one.

[So what are you going to do? Hire a lawyer to check the settings on your browser? Sure am glad I'm not as smart as YOU are.]

One Liner:
GO FUCK A ROPE!

[That's a new one. Can I borrow your noose when you're done with it?]

I'll be a member when

[Pigs fly? Monkeys fly out of my butt? Hell freezes over? You get a brain? Hell freezing is more likely. I'd go with that one.]

you answer my questions and they are unanswered

[How can questions answered be unanswered? It is mystery.]

or unacceptable I'll make it my mission to let everyone know what you do!

[If you want, I'll send you a copy of your original application. Please send this to all your friends. Be sure to report it to your ISP provider. Tell them how we fill in the e-mail form with all your PRIVATE, PERSONAL E-MAIL addresses.]

I'm checking this member box to make sure it gets to you, I am very serious about being fucking pissed!

[What a coincidence. I'm very serious about you being fucking stupid. ]

Read the Previous edition of the Weak of the Week

Copyright© Heartless Bitches International (heartless-bitches.com) 1999


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