In the spirit of fun, and with an ear toward raising the consciousness
of both music lovers and music makers everywhere, we here at TuneTown
Records present the 2005 winners
(losers?) for the best (worst?) whiny victim love songs, as submitted by a cadre
of devoted and fed up listeners.
From Carole King to Sting, from Alanis
to Janis, from Macy Gray to Brother Ray, the submissions were astonishing.
Indeed, the lineup of artists and writers is a Who's Who of Hall of Fame candidates: Celine Dion, Luciano
Pavarotti, Jewel, Joan Jett, Jacques Brel, Gilbert
and Sullivan, Bacharach and David, Toni Braxton and Aretha Franklin, among others. The
nominees were sent to a panel of 23 independent judges who contributed not only
their votes but some hilarious and pointed comments. Some of these judges, it
should be noted, are firmly ensconced in the "Music Bizness."
The award-winning songs are the ones that do the most to celebrate
victimhood, and turn love into a hostage situation. They
are songs that go far beyond sadness and even grief, to an island of
desperation and longing that no one should inhabit. Except
maybe Phil Spector.
Friends, we have work to do! Let us be vigilant. Let us
consign these songs and their illegitimate, inbred cousins to their rightful
place in the world of entertainment: Material ForComedy!
Here then, in reverse order, are the top 5 for 2005, with judges comments:
5. WHISKEY LULLABYE
Melonie Cannon
Written by Bill Anderson & Jon Randall
©2003 Sony/ATV Tree Pub./Mr. Bubba Music (BMI)/
Reynsong Pub.
Corp./Whayasay Music (BMI)
She put him out... like the burning end of a midnight
cigarette
She broke his heart... he spent his whole life trying to
forget
We watched him drink away his pain a little at a time
But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind
Till the night
He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
And he finally blew away her memory
Life is short, but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said “I’ll love her till I die”
And when they buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby
Judges comments:
"...that crazy Whiskey Lullabye,
holy crap, out does the rest by a state." "After participating in
last year's selection, I remember thinking, 'Well, that's that. There really
aren't too many more whiny victim, codependent songs
left for next year's contest. After all, Diane Warren isn't cranking 'em out like she used to.' Wow, was I wrong! 35 entries. And almost all would easily qualify to be
in the top 5."
4. I HATE YOU THEN I LOVE YOU
Celine Dion & Luciano
Pavarotti
also
recorded by Shirley Bassey
(writers: Tony Renis, Ediciones De Falla, Manuel De Falla,
Alberto Testa, Fabio Testa, and Norman Newell)
You treat me wrong
You treat me right
You let me be
You make me fight with you / I could never live without you
You make me high
You bring me down
You set me free
You hold me bound to you
I hate you
Then I love you
Then I love you
Then I hate you
Then I love you more / I love you more
For whatever you do / For whatever
you do
I never, never, never
Want to be in love with anyone but you
Judges comments:
"Ah, someone finally figured out true love."
"The idea that Celine Dion and Luciano Pavarotti would
lend their vocal talents to a lyric like "I Hate You Then I Love You,"
makes me suspect that their respective managers must have been on a beautiful
tropical island somewhere with their artists' money when they should have been
in the studio doing everything in their power to prevent these two talented vocalists
from singing such an unhealthy piece of tripe."
3. STILL
Macy Gray
In my last year with him there were bruises on my face
In my dawn and new day
I finally got away
But my head's all messed up and he knows
just what to say
No more dawn and new days
I'm goin back to stay
Why say bye bye
When it only makes me cry
I still
Light up like a candle burnin’
when he calls me up
I still
Melt down like a candle burnin’
everytime we touch
Oh say what you will
He does me wrong and I should be gone
I still
Be lovin’ you baby and it's
much to much
Judges comments:
"An anthem for battered women"
"Wow--she (almost) deserves to be prey"
"I think she must have bruises on the brain to be
singing this."
2. PLEASE HURT ME
Little Eva
(Gerry Goffin/Carole
King)
If you gotta hurt somebody, please
hurt me
& if you gotta break a heart,
then please break mine
I won't cry if you deceive me
I'll take it with a smile
I know someday you will leave me
But at least I'll have you for a while
So darlin', if you gotta hurt somebody, please hurt me
& if I have to be a plaything, that's what I'll be
Please hurt me, oh please hurt me
Come on & please hurt me
Why don't you please hurt me
Judges comments:
"Short and to the point. Title
says it all."
".....a toxic dose of martyrdom"
"Carole King wrote this?? Wow!"
1. HE HIT ME (And It Felt Like A
Kiss)
The Crystals,
Courtney Love and Hole
(Carole King, Gerry Goffin)
He hit me
And it felt like a kiss
He hit me
But it didn't hurt me
He couldn't stand to hear me say
That I'd been with someone new
And when I told him
I had been untrue
He hit me
And it felt like a kiss
He hit me
And I knew he loved me
'Cause if he didn't care for me
I could've never made him mad
He hit me
And I was glad
Baby won't you stay
Baby won't you stay
Baby won't you stay
Never go away
Judges comments:
"What a slew of gruel. I feel like I need to take a
shower."
"People also cut themselves to make them feel."
"This relationship is not headed in a good direction, I would guess….just a guess, of course. I
could be wrong…but, I don’t have a good feeling about it. Just an instinct. Maybe it’s just me. Is it just
me?"
Note: Carole King and Gerry Goffin
were inspired to write this after Little Eva (pop singer famous for her hit
"The Loco-Motion") told them about her relationship with an abusive boyfriend.
Due to the subject matter and lyrics, this was a complete failure. It was
disliked by the public, and radio stations denied the song airplay. The Crystals hated the song
as well. Why Phil Spector convinced them to record it
and then tried to release it as a single remains a mystery today. (from songfacts.com)
Well, obviously Carole King and Gerry Goffin
had a weird streak. The fact that they wrote at least two songs as sick as
these is truly amazing, and something I'm guessing they'd love to forget. And
since those songs are over 40 years old, we can kind of let them off the hook a
little. But what's even more incredible is that the other three songs in the
top 5 are so recent.
For all the entries and more contest info, please visit the
Greg Tamblyn / TuneTown
records web site: www.GTsongs.com
Greg Tamblyn is a Kansas City singer, songwriter, and humorist.
His song "Common Side Effects Include" recently won Best Novelty Song
(out of 140,000 songs) in the 2004 Just Plain Folks Music Awards for
independent artists. (www.jpfolks.com) Phone: 816-756-0069 Address: 1008 Valentine Rd, Kansas City MO, 64111, USA
