Not-So-Nice "Nice Guys"
by Lisa
I've followed your pages on "nice" guys for several years and
wanted to praise them. I'm glad Heartless Bitches recognizes
the behavior for what it really is. So few people recognize the
manipulation & deep seated hostility of "nice" guys.
I think a lot of people have a warped definition of a nice guy
(or gal, which I'm using because it's the closest female
equivalent to guy). Truly nice people can take a hint when it
comes to rejection. Truly nice guys or gals will either enjoy a
true friendship with a person who doesn't requite their
affection or they'll move on. Truly nice guys or gals won't
hang around in a clingy, creepy, almost stalker type way
hoping the person will change his or her mind. Truly nice
people chalk it up as part of the dating experience and move
on. They don't become embittered & take it out on others like
faux nice people do.
Faux nice guys (or gals) can't handle rejection. They stop
viewing the "object" of their "affection" as a person with all of
the rights to decide if he or she wants to be with the faux nice
person. Faux nice guys or gals view the object of their
affections as just that, an object. An object to which they feel
a vast sense of entitlement to. Faux nice people aren't doing
all of the favors for their object because they're being kind or
"nice". They do them because they feel that it entitles them to
be paid back with their object's affections. When they aren't
paid back, they become angry and claim they've been
victimized. When really, they allowed themselves to be
victimized.
I have a former friend who is a "nice" guy. He lost quite a bit
of money planning a vacation with a woman he was infatuated
with when she cancelled. He still wanted to go on vacation
with her again! There's a saying, "fool me once, shame on
you, fool me 2x, shame on me." He would constantly do
things for her, go over her home. He tends to get crushes on
women & get very clingy. But he can't recognize when they're
not interested. When he was attracted to one of my friends, I
had to let him know she was a lesbian (she's in a long term
relationship with her partner), but he was convinced she was
straight & into him!
Fortunately, I'm one of the few women he's not attracted to.
And that has given me a window into seeing how he truly is.
He can be very nasty to me. When he's angry or frustrated
over one of his "objects" not requiting his attention, he has
taken it out on me, by making nasty comments in front of our
friends. And then claims he's just kidding. Even though I've
asked him to stop this behavior (at first in private and then
again in front of our friends when that didn't work). Does that
sound "nice" to you?
I recognize that he's not a truly nice guy & that's why I no
longer consider him a friend. We have a group of mutual
friends, which is the only reason why I still see him at all.
Most of them still consider him a nice guy because society has
a very fucked up idea of what is nice. Some of the friends
realize what's going on & have told him to behave himself, so
things have improved somewhat. But a number of them
thought I was being irrational, combative when I finally told
him off after being insulted regularly during our gatherings. We
get together every year for a dinner around Christmas. His
"object" had declined to come out with us and he was sad &
angry. So, he started in on me with the comments. I asked
him if he could please change seats so I could catch up with
another friend who I hadn't seen awhile. Which while true,
was also a polite way of trying to get away from him. Also, I
had lost a relative in her 50s and was going to a memorial
service for her the following day and Christmas was going to
be kind of rough for my family because it was my brother's
first Christmas in prison (long story). I was looking forward to
an evening of fun & laughter with friends and was in
absolutely no mood for his shit. And he knew about the family
stuff.
I tried ignoring him and talking to other people. He kept
directing comments to me. Then I tried joking around with
him "Why so angry?" He kept it up. I asked him to please
stop the comments, out loud & in front of everyone. He kept
it up. So finally, I let him have it & told him off in a profanity
laced tirade. Yes, I'm the "bitch" for doing that to a "nice" guy.
But if bitch means someone who'll stand up for herself and
won't take shit after trying several less confrontational ways of
defending herself, then I'll wear that title with honor. And
would a truly nice guy pull all of the crap on me he did? I
don't think so.
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