The "Nice Guys" archive

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Nice Guys = BLEAH!
Nice Guys we can do without

The Genetic Origins of Personality

by David Schlinkert

Recent research has revealed that many character traits are genetically predetermined. Although nurture can distort or in extreme cases, subvert, genetics; close correlation's between gene pairs and social development have been observed.

This paper deals with the genetics behind the eternal questions: Why are all men jerks and why are nice guys so boring? The reader may note that these two questions are mutually exclusive, but imperial observations have lead the researchers to believe all women have asked these questions and firmly believe they are both valid.

Our research shows there are two gene pairs controlling the major character traits in men: the jerk/nice pair and the interesting/boring pair. There are sixteen possible combination of these pairs. A man can be homogeneous for either trait, for each gene pair. It is obvious that 25% of men are total jerks, and 25% are totally boring, but we will clarify below.

Father's contributionMother's contribution
j - jerk J - Jerk
n - nice N - nice
i - interesting I - interesting
b - boring B - boring


jJiI

homogeneous for jerk, homogeneous for interesting 6.25%

These are the REAL MEN. Most attractive to women, highly successful in life. Frequently have careers they can't talk about, and incidents they won't admit to. Always one steps ahead of the law and past lovers. Rarely marry, unless in politics, but frequently leave children behind to be raised by lesser males.


jNiI & nJiI

heterogeneous for jerk/nice, homogeneous for interesting 12.5%

Statesmen, chief executives, innovators in all fields. Married to very protective women; who put up with a lot of hassles, but enjoy the good parts.


jJiB & jJbi

homogeneous for jerk, heterogeneous for interesting/boring 12.5%

Frequently in Sales, can talk to anyone and be convincing. Highly perceptive and will talk you into doing what they want. Bails out once the sex is over or the commission check is cashed. Doesn't do anyone or anything long-term.


jNiB, nJiB, jNbI, nJbI

heterogeneous for jerk/nice, heterogeneous for interesting/boring 25%

Typically has common interests, but talks about job and sports too much. The largest group in the population, but too inconsistent to amount to much. Marries early and often.


nNiB & nNbI

homogeneous for nice, heterogeneous for interesting/boring 12.5%

Marries late, if at all, mainly because women rarely notice them. Has a life outside of work, but you'll never listen long enough to find out. Devoted to wife and family, when married. Nice guys at all levels that do 90% of everything necessary to keep the world going.


jJbB

homogeneous for jerk, homogeneous for boring 6.25%

Flamers that can't stop promoting themselves. "No" isn't in their vocabulary. Generally get their way by wearing down the opposition. Lawyers, minor politicians, marketing dweebs.


jNbB & nJbB

heterogeneous for jerk/nice, homogeneous for boring 12.5%

Frequently bright, always boring. Their job is their life. Engineers and computer geeks.


nNbB

homogeneous for nice, homogeneous for boring 6.25%

Stable as a rock, has long-term employment, works well with others. Accountants.


nNiI

homogeneous for nice, homogeneous for interesting 6.25%

Cultured, educated polymaths. Equally at home at the opera and the wilderness. Riveting conversationalist, great cook. Kind, loving, committed. Gay



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