I'll Get You, My Pretty
Aug 19, 2004
by
from a collection of essays titled:
"AWOL From The Mommy Wars: Rantings of a Reluctant Stay-At-Home Mother"
Are you a good witch or a bad witch? Maybe I'm tempting an intellectual
property-infringement lawsuit from MGM by quoting that line, but it seems to
fit in this case. You're a mom, ergo a witch, but just how bad are you?
All moms have their good moments. We also have our witchy, satanic moments
that make us cringe when remembered. They seem to increase in frequency the
longer you try to do this job. Hell, after a few years of working on the
chain gang even Penelope Leach is looking around nervously while wearing her
striped hose, waiting for a house to fall on her.
If you stay at home with your kids you may lose your bearings when you try
to figure out just how evil and jaded you've become. You have no yardstick
for comparison. The only times you see other moms is when they are on their
best behavior, like at library story time or the Pampered Chef party. You
never see them grabbing the GameBoy, holding it out the car window while
driving with the other hand and screaming "I told you little bastards to
take turns! Don't make me drop this thing into the fucking toll basket!"
So for a little perspective here is a handy little quiz that will enable you
to track your inevitable death spiral from "Disinfect The Pacifier" mom to
"Put Together That Stupid Lego Thing By Yourself And Leave Me Alone" mom.
See just how far down the yellow brick road to hell you've progressed.
1. Your pre-schooler has just received another birthday party invite to Chuck
E. Cheese's. The party will take place from 1-3:30 on a Saturday, thereby
blowing any possible plans for the whole day. What do you do?
A. Respond immediately saying your child would love to come, and by the way
what would little Douchebag like for his birthday present?
B. Hide the invite from your kid and hope no one mentions it in his class.
C. Punch a hole in the wall and rue the day you threw away the diaphragm.
2. Your child's school district has sent home a complicated flyer explaining
the new reading curriculum. What do you do?
A. Go online and research the standardized test results of other school
districts using this curriculum so you'll be ready for a healthy debate at
the Board of Ed meeting.
B. Attempt to read it but become frustrated after the fourteenth pie chart
outlining the phonics vs. whole language debate.
C. Figure that if your kid is reading then the school must be doing something
right. Mix yourself a cocktail.
3. Halloween is looming and all the other moms are making their kids'
costumes. What do you do?
A. Buy the furry fabric and the Simplicity pattern and vow to make the best
Scrappy Doo costume that L'il Learners Preschool has ever seen. That'll show
that bitchy mom who always sends her kid to school in ironed jeans.
B. Draw some stripes on your kid's sweatpants. Wrap a bent coat hanger with
Saran Wrap and duct tape it to your kid's back. Voila! Instant bumblebee!
C. Tape a toilet paper core to her forehead and make her go as a unicorn.
4. Bake Sale time! The school is raising money for the fourth grade's field
trip to the waste treatment plant and they need your help. What do you do?
A. Bake spelt flour/raisin cookies and deliver them in a hand-decorated tin
with beads spelling out the name of school.
B. Buy the slice and bake dough tube and frost with canned frosting. Fuck it,
that's good enough.
C. Stand for fifteen minutes in the bakery department of the supermarket,
trying to decide which cookies can pass as homemade.
5. An article about the hundreds of choking possibilities hiding in your
house freaks you out. What steps do you take to avoid a potential tragedy?
A. Hire a babyproofer to sweep the dangers from your home so you can sleep at
night. Take an infant CPR course at the adult school. Cut each grape into 24
pieces.
B. Make the kid eat every meal upside down.
C. Cross your fingers and hope the kid makes it to his fifth birthday.
6. Some states now mandate that a child should ride in a car seat until he
weighs 80 pounds. How do you feel about this?
A. Car seats bring peace of mind. I attended a clinic at the local police
station where they made sure our car seat was installed properly.
B. I hate lugging it around but it beats going to the gym. My arms have never
looked more toned.
C. 80 pounds? Oh come on. Does this mean Calista Flockhart and her son have
matching car seats?
7. It's time for the annual Holiday Concert at your kid's school. How do you
plan to enjoy this event?
A. Get there early and record every precious detail from the front row. Cry
when they sing "Jingle Bell Rock" for some reason. Maybe it's time for an
adjustment to your medication.
B. Arrive late and stand through the unintelligible kindergarten salute to
Kwaanza. Find the nearest exit like you're studying the safety card in an
airbus. Keep in mind that the nearest exit may be behind you.
C. Stay home, have a cup of coffee and read the paper. When your kid comes
home tell him you enjoyed the show, and ask if he saw you waving from the
back row. Oh, he didn't? Well, it was pretty crowded. It's okay if he didn't
wave back. You liked the show anyway.
8. Your kid needs new shoes. What do you do?
A. Take out a second mortgage and go to Strife Rite where you can be sure to
have your child's feet properly sized. Rest assured that by doing this
you've avoided turning your kid's feet into hideously twisted clubs, and
that once again you have not ruined his chances for a track scholarship to
Princeton.
B. Go to Payless, buy a half size up from the old shoes, and stick your thumb
on his toe to check the fit as if you know what you're doing. Pick up some
cool boots for yourself while you're at it. Like those over there. Hey,
they're not half bad! Who's going to know? Fifteen bucks? Done!
C. Dig in the closet for your older kid's hand-me-downs. Cover up scuffs with
a Sharpie.
9.Horrors! Your child has discovered his privates and can't leave 'em alone.
Now what?
A. Go online and find all the "facts of life" books on Amazon. Check the
reviews and get the best one. Read it with your child and explain the proper
names of those parts of the body and what their functions are. Ask him if he
has any questions.
B. Tell him what he's doing is perfectly natural, but if he wants to do it
he has to go to his room and be alone. Then go pour yourself a glass of wine
and wonder if you've just turned him into a compulsive masturbator.
C. Say to him: "Oh for the love of Christ get your hands out of your pants
and give your wingdizzler a rest already".
10. Your child is going through yet another bout of "separation anxiety".
You and your husband have tickets to a show you've waited months to see, but
your child is sobbing hysterically and humping your leg as you try to leave.
What do you do?
A. Have your husband drive the babysitter home and comfort little bunnykins.
After all, she won't need you like this forever. Isn't it nice that she
loves you so?
B. Go to the show anyway but refuse to enjoy it. Give the babysitter a big
tip and vow never to go out again until the kid is in high school.
C. Sneak out when your kid isn't looking and have the time of your life.
Now, let's take a look at your answers. If you answered A to most questions
you are a very good mother and an example to us all. Now do us all a favor
and please insert that massive suppository that you so desperately need.
If you answered B to most questions you're on the downward spiral to bad
motherhood, but you still have a long way to go before you hit true
witchiness. A few more years of trying to keep up the charade should wear
you down.
If you answered C to most questions, welcome to the dark scary woods where
the flying, fez-wearing monkeys lurk. You've surrendered, Dorothy! Now, set
the kids down in front of Grand Theft Auto, pass me them Thin Mints and
let's have us a nice little visit.
And not for nothin', but didn't it piss you off at the end of the movie when
that so-called good witch told Dorothy she could have gone home at any time?
I always wondered why Dorothy didn't bitch-slap her and say "Why didn't you
tell me before the tree starting throwing apples? Here, you take these fugly
ruby slippers and you go to Kansas, you creepy freakazoid. As for me,
there's no place like Payless!"
(Kelley Cunningham Cousineau is proud to be a Heartless
Bitch Mom, but nevertheless loves her three sons insanely)
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