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What's Wrong with Nice Guys?

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And Now, Faithful Readers, Let us Welcome the Wonderfully Pithy, Deliciously Droll, Attitudinal Anal-Retentive Editrix from Hell!

Ahem. Thank you for that lovely introduction.

Since any thorough deconstruction should begin with a little background, let us first examine, without undue prejudice, the AOL profile in question:

Screen Name:    MonkeyGut
Member Name:    Paul-Claude Co'rpening 
Location:       New Orleans, Louisiana
Birthdate:      10-22-73
Sex:            Male
Marital Status: Single
Hobbies:        Fishing, Surfing, Snow Skiing, sailing, travel, 
                basketball, sex
Computers:      Old ass piece of crap
Occupation:     Student at Tulane U.
Personal Quote: I could go for a cold beer and an assortment of 
                pharmaceuticals right now

Interesting. Now that we have our base reading--and I use the word advisedly--let's move on to the first Stroke of Genius.

>>From: MonkeyGut@AOL.COM<<
First indication of trouble: capitalization of a domain name that should by rights be rendered as small and inconspicuous as possible.

>>Subject: Me thinks the lady doth protest too much<<
Um, no. Not "me thinks." It's "METHINKS." ONE word, not two. If one is going to be pretentious enough to break out such effete Shakespearean language, one should at LEAST have the courtesy to avoid lapsing into Tonto-speak and SPELL it right.

>>Are you people for real?<<
Oh, goody; he opens with a rhetorical question.

>>I accidentally stumbled<<
As opposed to stumbling on purpose, I suppose? Hmm. Could this be a pattern? First rhetorical, then redundant. Can, say, ridiculous or reprehensible be far behind?

>>onto this pagewhile<<
Nope. "Page" and "while" are two separate words.

>>trying to get intellectually stimulating material...<<
Doesn't one need to actually POSSESS an intellect in order to have it stimulated? Or perhaps there was some big typing mix-up, and he MEANT to say that he was in search of a SIMULATED intellect. Now THAT would make sense. But no; I expect that would be too easy. Then too, he just says he was trying to "get" intellectually stimulating conversation; that doesn't necessarily mean that he'd have the first idea of what to DO with such material once he got his sticky fingers on it. Perhaps he was just out running an errand for someone with a functioning brain?

>>instead I found what appears to be a group of seriously mentally flawed women<<
Well, what an interesting--not to mention ironic--conclusion to have come to. Nothing like labeling oneself a reactionary philistine right off the bat; avoids any confusion later on.

>>with the resulting equivalence of intellectual toxic waste.<<
Um . . . huh? "instead I found what appears to be a group of seriously mentally flawed women with the resulting equivalence of intellectual toxic waste"? Can ANYone diagram that sentence?

>>It appears from your abrasive rants,<<
There should be no comma after "rants."

>>that you are as insecure as the men and women you belittle.<<
The fact that he's dubbed all statements contained on the board "abrasive rants" makes it clear that he has no ability whatsoever to understand or respect anything that's being said. Therefore, the impulse to extrapolate from his statement some concession on his part that the men and women we "belittle" ARE in fact insecure should be resisted. Nor has he indicated whether "you" and "your" are meant to refer to a singular or a plural--and, judging by the randomness of his grammar in other areas, I'd hazard a guess that he doesn't have the first idea himself.

>>How else to explain an entire web page<<
Um--isn't HBI a web SITE, not merely a page?

>>devoted to trashing the male sex and the women who love them?<<
How else to make clear his COMPLETE missing of the point? HBs are equal-opportunity trashers; what we despise is not a particular sex, but stupidity in ALL its forms. (We can't help it if a disproportionate number of those forms happen to be closely attended by Y chromosomes. ) Of course, the fact that "the male sex" is a singular/grouping, which he then refers to as a plural, is another matter altogether.

>>Is it a lack of physical beauty?<<
On the part of the male sex, does he mean? Well, I'd like to think I'm not THAT shallow. Unless we're talking about intellectual beauty, in which case I confess to being an unreconstructed elitist snob.

Or . . . hmm. Do you suppose this is his shot-in-the-leg attempt to cast some sort of aspersions on the HBI posters . . . ? How wondrously unoriginal would THAT be?

>>Perhaps a horrible past experience with males?<<
Hold it. He's ADMITTING that there IS the possibility that one MIGHT actually have "a horrible past experience with males" . . . ? Nah. I'm sure it was just another case of a flaccid attempt at slander happening to yield a dribble of truth.

>>Or dare I say a weak sexual drive?<<
Obviously he dares to say just about anything he wants, no matter how divorced it might be from actual fact or logical thought.

Once again he demonstrates an utter lack of originality by groping for the typical non-sequitorial bleatings made by threatened males in response to any kind of female-sourced criticism (most especially legitimate criticism): "Baaaaah, you're just saying that because you need to get laid/can't get laid/can't get a man/hate men/have a bad attitude/are a bitch/are such a fat bitch/are such an ugly bitch/are such a fat, ugly bitch." Notice that the remotest possibility if the female speaker actually having a point--or actually being worthy of any sort of intellectual engagement or courtesy--is studiously ignored.

>>I can only surmise there is indeed some underlying foundation for your hostility.<<
Given his resolute ignorance thus far, I'd say that the impulse to suspect that he almost gave us credit for something there is misplaced at best.

>>Yes, I have been described as brutally handsome,<<
Now isn't THAT an interesting set of adjectives. (Funny, too, how he phrases it as though you'd ASKED him if that's how he's been described.) And . . . ? So . . . ? Is that description (no doubt self-generated and self-applied) meant to lend some sort of magical veracity and/or insight to his words? Or is it just meant to be a red flag, warning us that we may in fact be dealing with someone who's terminally full of himself? As if we didn't suspect.

>>but this fact has not compromised my life or its work. In fact I sometimes feel embarassed<<
There should be a comma after "fact," and "embarrassed" has TWO "r"s.

>>of<<
No, that would either be "embarrassed ABOUT" or "ASHAMED of," thank you.

>>my looks.<<
Um . . . excuse me? Is it me, or did he just completely contradict himself? And isn't it funny that a LACK of physical beauty is supposed to somehow compromise--or spawn--a female's words or opinions, but a self-described surfeit thereof isn't supposed to color a male's perspective? How does THAT work, I wonder?

>>I have a PHD in psychology from Columbia<<
Hmm. That WOULD be a neat trick, seeing as his profile indicates that he's a student at Tulane, and that his date of birth is 1973. Not that it's IMPOSSIBLE for a 23-year-old to be hip-deep in post-doctorate work, of course, but highly unlikely. Of course, you'd expect a Ph.D of any age to have better grammar and spelling skills. Not to mention the fact that you'd expect them to know how to frigging WRITE "Ph.D."

>>and consider myself quite intelligent, thank-you.<<
"Thank you," in this context, is not hyphenated. And, having pointed that out, I believe I'll leave his unduly inflated self-notion alone for the moment.

>>Your "himbo" rhetoric is lacking in thought and reaks<<
Um, that would be "reeks." Unless a "b," a "c," an "f," or a "w" is attached to the beginning, "reaks" is not a word.

>>of stereotypical feminist banter.<<
No no no. Stereotypically speaking, feminists do not banter. They demand, accuse, and pronounce. <G>

>>This same logic,<<
Which "same logic" would THAT be, pray? There have been several potential lines of logic feinted at so far in this text, all of which have met an untimely death at his hands.

>>when applied to females of great beauty, is also flawed.<<
Hmm. Perhaps he's trying, in his backward way, to say that the "bimbo" stereotype is as unfair as the "himbo" stereotype?

>>Instead of ranting and raving and behaving like spoiled children who dont<<
"Don't," being a contraction, requires an apostrophe.

>>get their way,<<
Hmm. No doubt he'd never see his current behavior as fitting his own description. Once again, we have the denigration of women's statements, just because they're not "nice." Why is it that so many men (and women, dammit) seem to believe that anger is not a legitimate emotion for the female of the species to feel or to express, that criticism is not something that she's permitted to level?

>>you people<<
Gosh--he thinks we're PEOPLE?? . . . Naaah.

>>need to exert<<
I believe he probably meant to type "conduct."

>>yourselves in a more positive manner.<<
Oh, I see. Once again, in case we missed it the first couple of times--we're not permitted to be pissed, or to protest, or to speak out frankly, intelligently, or forcefully about the things that infuriate and move us. "Smiles, everyone! Smiles!" Well sorry, dearie, this ain't no fuckin' Fantasy Island, and there are times when a smile just ain't fuckin' appropriate. Unless, of course, it's one of those smiles where we show ALL of our teeth. Especially the canines.

>>Yes, bitch is an applicable name indeed....spend less time bitching and more time striving to improve conditions for the female sex would much further your cuase<<
I believe he meant to type "cause." And I do hope that the authorities have put out an APB on the idiomatic and grammatical structure of this sentence; this looks to have been the scene of some foul play.

>>( if their really is one).<<
I believe he meant to type "there."

>>Yours,<<
Oh, I think I'll pass. Thanks anyway.

>>Dr. Paul Casey<<
Any relation to . . . oh, say . . . Dr. Ben Casey? Or were Us Stoopid Girl-Type Bitches not supposed to be quick enough to figure that out?

>>P.S Please respond..<<
*Sigh.* There needs to be a period, and probably a colon as well, after the "S" in "P.S." And an ellipsis requires three periods, not just two.

>>I am curious<<
. . . Yellow?

>>as to what the feminist hordes<<
Gee whiz. Let me be the first to congratulate you, Natalie, on your promotion from mere individual to "feminist hordes." You've even skipped over the singular "feminist horde." Like wow. What HAVE you been eating, girlfriend?

>>of male bashers<<
"Male-bashers." It's hyphenated. It's not, however, the point of HBI. As is clearly stated on the opening page--which the nimrod himself did seem to recall, however dimly, at the start of this pitifully gimpy missive.

>>have to say toward<<
Ahem. "Have to say TO," not "toward." Just the latest in a string of sad attempts at formal, grown-up-type English.

>>a good looking intelligent male.<<
"Good-looking" is hyphenated, and there should be a comma between it and "intelligent." Of course, neither of those assertions of his has been proven to MY satisfaction; frankly, after all his noxious holding forth, I'm much more inclined to call them arrant fictions than facts.

And now, on to the next Stroke of Genius:

>>Being grammatically correct in a quickly typed e-mailed memo is not a neccessity, dear.<<
That would be "necessity," dear. How interesting that those who can't manage to conjure even the thinnest veneer of professionalism tend to be the first to disparage professionalism as unnecessarily picky or elitist.

>>For christ sake,<<
Not only is Christ missing His apostrophe-"s," He's also missing His capital "C."

>>do you honestly believe Poe, Whitman, Hemingway, or Faulkner<<
Although I can't quite bring myself to perform the obviously expected genuflection over the fact that he was able to trot them out, I suppose we should congratulate him for spelling those names correctly.

>>never committed a grammatical error?<<
I doubt that anyone would have asserted that--had it actually been the topic of discussion. What I DON'T believe is that Mr. "Piled Higher and Deeper" here has the effrontery to compare himself, even in jest, to ANY of those writers.

At any rate, we're not talking about "a grammatical error." We're talking about a thundering horde (there's that WORD again!) of them, cranked out by The Writer Formerly Known as Doc. (Or was that Dopey?)

>>thats<<
No, that's "that's," dear. Lost another apostrophe, I see.

>>why editors have jobs, putz.<<
Um . . . so he's saying that he expects to have his every "quickly typed e-mailed memo" edited, then? THAT'S why he's so egregiously sloppy? Heck, if he wants to fork over $35 or so an hour, I might take on the job. I'd certainly have plenty to get paid for.

(Oh, and BTW--"putz," I believe, is Yiddish for "penis." What IS it with these OH-so-threatened boys and their OH-so-predictable slurs??)

>>As for resorting to juvenile put downs:<<
That colon should really be a comma.

>>I now see the purpose of your cute<<
"Cute"? So now HBs are "cute," eh? Yet another hackneyed diminutization tactic. This boy DOES have a death-wish.

>>make believe organization<<
In this context, "make-believe" is hyphenated.

>>is simply to piss off men everywhere with silly insults.<<
Um, actually, no. There ARE men, believe it or not, who actually possess the intelligence, integrity, self-understanding, empathy, courage, and humility to fucking GET the point. (Pardon my violently split infinitive; I just get carried away on occasion.)

>>Get a life you twisted dork!<<
Um . . . WHAT was he saying about "juvenile putdowns" again . . . ?

Oh, and BTW--there should be a comma after "life."

>>The sophmoric<<
"Sophomoric." You'd think that a college student could at LEAST get THAT one right.

>>humor employed is so lame it makes wall watching<<
"Wall-watching"--in all likelihood the most taxing of hobbies for our easily challenged Leetla Monkey Boy--should be hyphenated.

>>seem like a fascinating hobby by contrast.<<
"Oooo. That stings! I feel SOOO chastened, Mr. Piled Higher and Deeper. (Can I call you "Pile"?) How did you KNOW how much I like to be chastened? Well, thanks to your sharp, incisively intelligent criticism, Pile honey, I've seen the light. I'm off to make a career out of bending over for some synapse-challenged simian now, so I can be a Nice, Good Girl just like YOU want me to be. And ooo--maybe I'll even get to contribute to human devolution by spawning and shaping MORE simians!"

>>I dont<<
Yet another missing apostrophe. Was it something he said?

>>know if you truly hate men or not, but I suspect you havent<<
Hmm. Maybe he should check around for all his AWOL apostrophes. They might be getting together somewhere and plotting against him, you know. Yeah, that's it. I bet they are. Those fucking punctuation marks are all alike. Betcha they're all female anyway. Out to embarrass him and shit. Make him look stupid. Fucking bitches. They're all alike. . . .

>>had a good romp in the sack for lets say......ever?.....<<
And what the hell would give him THAT idea? I wonder: Do men (okay, okay--boys) honestly and truly believe that women's capacities for criticism, rage, and intelligent discourse are automatically erased--or sanded down, perhaps--by repeated fucking? Or are they simply incapable of fathoming the pathetically twisted "logic" of their impoverished and threadbare knee-jerk put-downs?

And what's with those dribblings of periods, anyway? And what happened to the comma that should have been after "for"? And the apostrophe that should have been in "let's"? And . . .

>>What self respecting<<
"Self-respecting" has a hyphen. But then, I can see why he might have missed that one, since he doesn't appear to have any real acquaintance with the quality.

>>guy would subject his penis to such torture anyway?.....Indeed.<<
Oh, I don't expect that's a question he's equipped to answer.

>>Masturbating with sandpaper would probably give more pleasure.<<
Let me guess--the voice of experience speaks? One never knows, after all, what all those cold beers (not to mention the assortment of pharmaceuticals) can lead a nimrod to perpetrate upon his own person.

>>As for your "smarter than thou" attitude, I instantly saw a strange image while reading your message.<<
It's those damn pharmaceuticals again. Poor kid.

>>It was the picture of a fat sow ,whose head had become so enlarged with internal pressure, that<<
Swap the comma and the space after "sow," and lose the comma after "pressure."

>>it blistered with protruding veins and large boils.<<
Can't you just hear him congratulating himself for his vivid image?

>>Suddenly it explodes, and guess what? Nothing came out.<<
Know what? I bet those images will fade away as soon as he quits his part-time job at McDonald's; it's having to deal with all those sausage patties that's got him so upset, poor baby. Maybe then he'd be able to keep his verb tenses straight.

>>Stick to remedial classes, sweetheart.<<
Hmm. Suppose he's hoping to see you in his class? Since he's no doubt a veteran himself, he probably enjoys seeing the new faces that come and go each year. You think?

>>Yours most disrespectfully,<<
Ooo, what a cutting exit. Bet that smarted, huh?

>>Paul<<
Ah, how quickly he seems to have shed his doctoral pretensions. Too bad the rest can't be shed so easily.

--Tavia, EVER so amused (somewhere down there beneath the weary disgust . . .)

P.S.: I just had this evil fantasy about sending this little nimnal an unsolicited IM: "Hi there, sweetie! You don't know me, but I ran a search for people with "ass" in their profiles, and . . . " <BEG>


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