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Boobs for Boobs


By

Boobs in a box.

No, it's not a "Saturday Night Live" skit. There's no punchline.

Women by the thousands (dare I say, millions?) are buying their boobs in a box in hopes of capturing true love, lust, envy and/or esteem. Oh, pardon me, we're supposed to believe they are INVISIBLE BREAST ENHANCERS.

I wish I were kidding. The first time I ran into an ad for one of these tit enhancers, I thought it was a joke. The 42nd time, I got pissed off.

What possesses women, (WOMEN of all genders!) to buy into this cultural disease that bigger is better? ESPECIALLY when it comes to physical appearance?

Did we not learn a goddamn thing from the silicone scare?

Apparently not, because more and more women from teenage to pushing 60 are getting boob jobs, surgically or artificially. Or is that being redundant?

I don't understand this trendy epidemic.

Fake tits are constantly being shilled in magazine, newspaper ads, infomercials, and websites. Staring back at me on t.v. and the silver screen. Strutting by in nightclubs, catwalks, beaches, sports events, and schools.

These fake tits are supposed to make women feel more like women, whatever the fuck THAT means. Some of these products are so technologically advanced that they mimic real live flesh and blood breasts! Golly! Women can perpetuate the con all day long, with none the wiser.

They can dance, swim, jog, do just about anything.

Ah, but can they FUCK in them? Sorry. For that they must go under the knife for the silicone or saline solutions.

Not my style. I'll keep my blue-veined, slightly drooper 36Cs. They're far from centerfold material, but they're all mine and they're real. And when I take off my clothes at night for my husband, he doesn't feel gypped and I don't feel like a fraud. An important concept lost on these Pamela Lee wannabes.

Do any of these curvaceously-handicapped ever stop to think that eventually the jig will be up? The second they take off their clothes for their MAN (or woman), the truth will be revealed. THEN what? Then, if there is any karmic justice in the world, they'll be humiliated and walked out on, promptly left holding the, uh, well, those thingies. Or better yet, their "stud" will unzip his pants and a rolled-up sock will fall out.

You can't blame this foolishness on the men. Women thought this up all by their pretty little selves. Somehow they got it into their heads that to be attractive to the opposite sex, and to feel supremely self-confident, they need to slip in some fake boobs with fake nipples that adhere oh-so-effortlessly-seamlessly inside their training bras.

Yeah, that'll work.

The whole point of this futile exercise in vanity is to make women feel more voluptuous, more endowed NATURALLY (advertisers' words not mine) so nobody can tell. I just don't get how this is done with phony tits. Eventually, someone will find out.

I wouldn't feel real, I'd feel fake.

And since when is it a rule that all women must have humongous honkers in order to check the estrogen box? I don't need to feel full in the bustline, you shallow, conceited morons!

I don't need reminding that I'm a woman from someone else. I don't need to get my femaleness from a bottle, a carton, a box, or some cut and stitch.

I am a REAL woman. Batteries not included.

Now THAT'S self-confidence.

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