(Updated: Sept 6, 2004)
A Compendium of hurl-worthy comments and experiences from the
readers of Heartless Bitches International
"edgy" teen comedy-dramas where popular, attractive conformists are attacked for being personality-free stereotypes by a random combination of, I dunno... a goth, a nerd, a a Nice Guy and a slacker. Does it ever occur to the makers of these "empowering" stories that both parties are equally stereotypical conformists, the only difference being that one is popular? How, exactly, is spending hours on your hair, wearing pink and giggling any different to spending hours applying eyeliner, wearing black and moping? The only take-home message is that popular people are horrible. Why not go for a more important target, like teen culture itself and the way it deals with stereotypes - positively and negatively - instead of sidestepping the issue and reducing a very important part of growing up it to labels, name-calling and jealousy?
(Ex-)Girlfriends who went to great lengths whining to me about how I only broke up with them because men are afraid of committing to a serious relationship. Oh, I'm afraid of committing to you alright, because you're a doormat / immature / narcissitic beyond belief / constantly whining / talking about having children after a month together / absolutely no fun to be around, *not* because of the "fact" men are naturally promiscuous. Either face up to your problems or find another co-dependant headcase to have a pity party with.
Anyone who threatens suicide to get attention. There are people out there who really will kill themselves unless they get help, and trying to cash-in on the fact people are worried about them is selfish and disgusting beyond belief.
People who say "you don't like anything" because I happen not to like the latest blockbuster movie / chart-topping band / popular videogame, and then flat-out refuse to even bother with any of my suggestions because "it probably sucks".
Cartoon pornography featuring pre-pubescent girls. Just because "they're not real and nobody got hurt" doesn't make it any less disturbing, revolting and capable of warping the minds of the pathetic people who collect it. Hell, the fact it's an idealised fantasy probably makes it seem more attractive and acceptable.
That "She's a tough new female action character" really means that she's a former Loreal model in a highly impractical (but revealing) get-up who happens to be holding a weapon, and will, of course, have to be rescued by the male lead later on, usually after some misogynistic bondage/torture scene. Over twenty years later and not a single woman has kicked anywhere near as much ass as Ripley.
Obsessed videogamers who believe that the latest Final Fantasy (or equivalent) has a better story and characters than any book or film in recorded history, and that they're somehow smarter and more literate after having played it for 100+ hours. Yes, games do have more complex storylines than they did ten years ago (ie. any story at all), but that doesn't mean they were worth telling or paying attention to.
"There's Something about Miriam", a reality show in which a group of men compete for the affections of a model, who is revealed in the last episode to be a pre-op transsexual, and that the guys have been "tricked", resulting in much derisive laughter and quips about them being gay. Thanks, producers! We now see that homophobia is funny rather than disgusting, and I'm sure transsexuals the world over are happy to know they can finally be accepted as freakish novelty acts!
Music / Movie magazines that are so concerned with being knowledgable that they fill their pages with pointless factoids, rambling articles about the latest trend that's already over by the time it reaches the shelves and so many "100 Best ____ Ever" lists that they never actually *say anything* about film or music, which is just as well since the writers clearly don't know shit.
Women who say, "I'm not a man-hater, but . . . " before making a statement about lack of gender equality. I have yet to hear a man say, "I'm not a woman-hater, but . . . " before launching into a sexist diatribe.
Men who make the statement: "I want the woman I marry to be a chef in the kitchen, a lady in the living room and a whore in the bedroom." Oh fuck off!
The entire genre of Southern-fried-doormat fiction. "Steel Magnolias" and
"Terms of Endearment" are the two most vivid examples of some dumb
Southern broad nailing herself to a cross and then whining for the rest of
the book/play/film 'cause her haaaands hurrrrt. Aw, gee, you mean marrying
some piece of dog-shit just because he had the biggest wallet/penis and
popping out a Dogshit-baby a year for 4 years and being overworked and
unappreciated wasn't as much fun as you thought it was gonna be? Go whine
to your loser-girlfriends some more about how Unfaaair everything is --
I'm gonna watch Towanda rear-end your cars in "Fried Green Tomatoes."
Women that do not care to learn about contraceptives. Hey, if the Pill makes you sick and ruins your sex life, try something else without hormones - there are such things.
Men that do not care to learn about contraceptives. Not your problem, eh?
The fact there is still no Pill for men.
The word "anti-american". Like it was a crime or something. No, the rest of the world do not necessarily think the American way is the only way.
'One size fits all' clothing. Is the human race all one size? NO!
People who tell me, 'I don't know what you are' because I don't fit
neatly into any of the stupid goth/trendy/skater/whatever labels. Well,
I know what YOU are. Want me to tell you?
People who judge other people on their DVDs, CDs, clothes, or any other
possessions.
Men who can't handle it when I express frustration, anger or have a
contrary opinion about anything. Like, hello? Isn't that my right as a
free-speaking adult? Oh no, wait, I forgot - I'm female, therefore I'm
supposed to giggle, flirt and be otherwise infantile and insipid. Gee,
SORRY. NOT.
People who won't ride in a convertible in case they mess up their hair.
Take a hairbrush and get over it, for God's sake!
The IT guy at work, who was GOBSMACKED that I knew how to fix a simple
and very common error on the computer when he had posted instructions in
the memo folder about how to do it. Look, moron, I may be a woman, but
in spite of that handicap, I can read!
People who think my boyfriend and I are weird because we have been going
out for two years and aren't engaged 'yet'. Why would we want to get
engaged when we have no intention on getting married at any time in the
near future?
People who give me funny looks because - gasp! - I am 21 and live with
my parents. Could that be anything to do with my financial situation? No
- I must be a sad loser who can't loosen herself from Mummy's apron
strings. I do my own food shopping, cook my own meals and generally sort
my own shit out. I run a car, juggle being a part-time student and a
full-time wage slave, and don't expect anyone else to run around after
me. But what does that matter? I'm not wasting money paying extortionate
rates of rent on some squalid little bedsit, therefore I have no
independence!
The pressure on young girls to be sexy. For a magazine or advert to
advise a thirteen-year-old girl how to 'turn on your man' or 'look hot
for your date' is, to me, wrong on many, MANY levels.
People who, through their own fault, can't drive,
because they refuse to get a job to buy a car, got
their license suspended or revoked due to multiple
DUI's, never bothered to LEARN to drive in the first
place, etc., and now think it's everyone else's duty
to give them a free ride. You got yourself into this
mess--call a cab!
Guys who constantly aim about five levels out of their
league, and then whine that they can't find a
girlfriend. Sorry, but if you're some unattractive,
obese, uneducated, unemployed LOSER, you're probably
not going to get a date with the local beauty queen
with the master's degree.
Guys who try to hit on me without first finding out if
I'm already seeing someone else. It gets on my
nerves, because it means they're assuming I must be as
much of a lonely loser as they are. And if they're
really fugly, it really ticks me off, because it means
they actually believe they've got a chance and that I
would sink to their level.
Guys that I've turned down repeatedly, usually because
I'm already with someone, who keep bothering me
anyway, often asking if I'm still with whoever I was
with last time, as if that's any of their business,
and as if it would even matter, since the type of guys
who act like this are usually the ones I wouldn't want,
even in the aftermath of a nuclear holocaust that left
only me and him as the survivors.
People who have as their creed to "practice random kindness and
senseless acts of beauty". Just as one of our HBs once wrote "morality
lite - tastes great, less filling", so this creed is integrity lite,
done randomly, only if and when you happen to damn well feel like it.
This is not to deny the value of spontaneity, but there is a more
sinister copout going on. There is no call to rise above your infantile
urges here, none of the steady, often difficult, lifelong continuous
work of structuring true integrity and character. There is no steady,
dependable action. No, not here! How very modern American: easy, a kicky
impulse, no thinking, no working... lite. There is something constant in
genuine character; even though the person herself is always changing,
there is a consistency and strength in her core values and the actions
based on them. Mere random kindness and senseless acts of beauty are for
random, senseless idiots.
Women who blame all sins and troubles of the world on men. Listen, I
don't know what your problems are, but let me assure you that it is not
MY fault that YOU have issues with YOUR outlook. If I did something to
offend you, then I apologize, but if not then why the hell am I supposed
to be subjected to YOUR rants and raves? It's not my fault that your
life isn't what you want it to be... last time I checked, YOU were the
driver on the road of YOUR life. The same goes for men. All women are
not evil, so stop making excuses for YOUR failures, strap on a set and
fix the problem.
People who don't have enough courage to take responsibility for their
actions. Someone cheats on you and you confront them only to get: "I'm sorry... it
just happened... I didn't mean to." Puhleeeeze, grow a spine and admit
that you did something wrong and are ready to face the sh*t as it hits
the fan. How can you feel that you're doing the right thing by being a
coward? Do you really think that anyone who hears such lame-ass drivel
will believe one word of it? If you can't take the heat, stay out of the
kitchen.
Men who idolize gorgeous stupid women and all the feather brained beauty queens out there who participate in this ridiculous charade by acting stupid, helpless or otherwise dead from the neck up.
Women who idolize gorgeous stupid men who act as dopey or dopier than the brain dead beauty queens.
Criticisms prefixed by a faux-apologetic "Disclaimer" such as "Don't think I'm being mean, but..."
Here's a tip. Either feel certain enough about what you want to say to just
say it, or, if that's a problem for you, then don't say it. Because the
'disclaimer' criticisms are just going to get your opinion immediately
discounted by anyone with an inch of actual spine.
People who want the definition of "normal" expanded to include them, personally. As in, "don't you dare tell me I'm not normal, just because I have big ears/I'm 4 feet tall/off-the-rack clothes don't fit me". Normal is an emotionally neutral word, like "median" or "mode" - it's just a measure of what most people are like. In fact, according to the Gaussian distribution, it's the range that 66.67% of the population fall within, so a third of the population are not normal, in any given aspect of life. I agree it sucks that off-the-rack stuff doesn't fit you, but redefining a concept just because it doesn't suit YOU is dishonest and stupid. If you hear the word "normal" and interpret it to mean "what a person ought to be like" then that just shows up your own insecurities and self-hatred. So, you're not normal. So fucking WHAT?
People who insist on attributing another's reaction to their assholishness
as racism. For example, the married man with the whiny kid: when I wasn't
interested in a relationship with him, it was, "You must not like brown
men from other countries, huh?" Nice copout, jerk; of course I couldn't
POSSIBLY dislike YOU, your values, or your whiny kid. Or when my boyfriend and I
stepped ahead of an unattended plate of meatloaf and potatoes to pay for our cafeteria meal.
A guy comes up and yells at my cool, polite boyfriend, as if he were at
fault because he's male, yelling, "you just hate black people", "step ouside",
"because I'm such a good person I won't beat you up", ad obnoxiousum. Yeah,
you fuckwit, we could really tell what color you are by looking at your plate
of meatloaf and potatoes. Of course your unattended plate should be
accorded a full place in a cashier line. Assholes come in all colors, and
YOU are a huge one. (Rainbow asshole power; celebrate diversity of
assholes. Your choosing to be an asshole does not discriminate on the
basis of race, color, creed, religion, gender, age, or country of origin.)
Smug yuppie-types who look down on waiting staff, bartenders, customer service reps and the like, because their jobs are 'menial' and therefore SOOOOO much less important. A person's job is what they DO, assholes. It isn't what they ARE. HOW you are is WHAT you are. The fact that these 'menial' workers are on the worst rates of pay EVER, that wouldn't even keep a MONKEY in fucking PEANUTS, is a separate rant altogether....
Sex partners who bring up a fantasy they want realized, in the hopes you will do it to please them. IT'S YOUR FANTASY, YOU FIGURE IT OUT!
The fact that I cannot get ANY help with tuition fees or other course costs because I am a part-time student earning MORE than a paltry £13k a year (I earn £14k - BIG WOW), so I have to struggle on paying for an education which will make me useful in society out of my own measly pocket, while any slut who gets 'accidentally' knocked up can claim money from MY taxes, no questions asked, for indefinite periods of time. And the more kids they pop out of their over-used vaginas, the more of my hard-earned cash they languish in. And yes, I KNOW there are people who genuinely need welfare, and these excuses for women take money from them, too.
The fact the the above kids stand next to no chance of a decent upbringing because they are being brought up with little or no moral integrity, let alone the material repercussions of being the child of a mother who is too fucking lazy to support her offspring herself.
The scarier fact that the intelligent people in society are choosing not to have kids (no bad thing in itself), while the social and intellectual lepers are breeding like Watership Down on Viagra (a VERY VERY bad thing in itself). All I can say is - being on the Great Flood again, or at least another Ice Age, before the human race dies out through sheer stupidity.
Coworkers who, upon learning that my supervisor's wife had lost 14lb in a week and half due to a seriously unpleasant and potentially deadly stomach bug contracted on holiday, could only say: "14lb in 10 days? I'd PAY to lose that much weight!"
Diets. They promise so much and deliver so little. I know from experience that weight loss DOES NOT equal increased self-esteem, and that self-respect has no minimum installation requirements in terms of body mass.
Anyone who says, "You'd be so pretty if you just lost some weight/wore more makeup/higher heels/a shorter skirt/grew your hair long". Yes, and you'd be so much prettier with my FIST IN YOUR EYEBALL, you judgemental oik.
Those ridiculous stiletto shoes with the pointy toes...who decided those looked good?
Fashion and the goobs that blindly follow it.
Civ III - a great game, but how come there are only three female world leaders (and about 10 male ones), and none of them are 'militaristic'? What about including the Amazons and Penthesilea, ferchristssake? Or Boedicea, leading her Iceni warriors into action? Oh no, pardon me - that would be too intimidating for the weedy geekboys you intended the game for.
Female characters in computer games generally, who are always given the power of 'healer' or 'sorceress', or 'thief' - or are just dressed in plainly ridiculous skimpy costumes, all with humongous bosoms, of course...I haven't come across ANY who look like they'd last five minutes in a real fight yet, and the odd few that do are relegated to male character love-interest roles, or 'dyke' stereotypes. Has the computer games industry been asleep for the last twenty or thirty years? Hel-lo?!
The fact that it is perceived as an insult to be likened to the opposite sex. Equality, anyone? Hell, just respect would do for a start.
People unnecessarily saying "female doctor", "female patient" or the "female bodhisattva" ad nauseum. Saying "doctor" alone followed with "she" will communicate the damn sex of the aforementioned person. When people do this, it only reinforces archaic androcentric views, consistently perpetuating the irrational belief that anything female or feminine is on the periphery of a MALE center.
People who think that because I haven't obtained a university degree; and have chosen to have a family first, assume I have nothing between my ears. I can assure you that, I have to be twice as smart to out-think my children, be up to date on most current news, be able to articulate coherently and write correctly to be able to raise my children. Just because I don't have those precious letters after my name, don't think for one instant that I won't be intelligent when I open my mouth. Self education could mean that I may have more knowledge on the subject, and will make it easier when I do decide to formalise it with a stamped seal of approval.
The guy at work who won't stop hitting on me even after being told "no way in hell", and that I could get him fired for it.
The people who automatically assume that the bruises I proudly display on my forearms are from some guy beating on me, and not from the study of martial arts. I've earned every single of of those bruises, and if a guy were to lay his hand on me, he would experience life-altering pain.
Guys who have the mentality of "I can say what I want to you, disrespect you and invade your personal space as much as I want to, and you're not allowed to fight back. And if you do, I will call you names."
Guys who try to "c'mon baby" their way out of wearing a condom. Barring disease, every single physical consequence of that will be mine and mine alone to bear. It'll be me who'll take the morning-after pill and be nauseous for three days, or get an abortion, or carry the baby to term inside of me and then give birth to it, or physically hand over my baby to a stranger to raise. And if I keep the baby, 4am feedings will be administered by guess who. Therefore, it is, at the very least, pretty fucking irresponsible for a guy who doesn't know my birth-control situation, or knows I'm not on it, to suggest that I disregard all those potentials for the sake of his 20 minutes of fun. Fuck you. Get outta my car.
Religious wing-nuts who are unable to give a reason that doesn't boil down to "Jesus thinks it's icky" for why they oppose gay marriage. If that is the crux of their argument, dare I say that the other side is whupping their asses right soundly.
Unwilling fathers bemoaning their partner's accidental pregnancy. No sympathy from me, guys. Should've wrapped up your junk.
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