Bashing Your Head Against A Wall

(or Divorced Men)

March 13, 2006

Obligatory Disclaimer: The following is rife with generalizations that may not apply to your personal situation. If it does not, assume that "you" is not actually you personally.

Prologue: I'm a single parent. I overwhelmingly take on the lioness' share of the "parental responsibilities" because Sprogling's father doesn't comprehend the meaning of that phrase without legal force to assist him. Suffice to say, I was very, very young when Tab A met Slot B, and yet to develop what we laughingly call Sense. But, like any normal parent, I'm glad for the privilege of being able to rear my offspring, and I have no real complaints... or at least not often. Things could always be worse. Sprog's father is not a drug addict, he has never been to jail, he doesn't beat Sprog and he hasn't just disappeared. Not that I'm congratulating him for this bare minimum of life achievement, but he was the choice I made to procreate with, and no amount of wishful thinking, carping or legislation is going to change that now.

The point of explaining that was to illustrate that I am not living in some kind of idealistic vacuum wherein I do not understand the enormous pain in the derriere that an ex-whatever can be. I know all about it in spades; I could make a big long list of grievances against the ex, but I've chosen to take the position that the ex is what he is, and as long as I am capable of providing for my child, I will do so without depending upon the ex to change, because this gives him too much control over my future and my general sense of happiness. I've worked hard to do that, but it's been totally worth it. Now, I know that not everyone is able to do that for whatever reasons, but I am, so good for me.

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I've about had it with divorced men and their incessant bitterness about ex-wives. Really. If I can deal with a twit who can't rub two pennies together for his kid's socks and thinks that high culture is "reality T.V." without letting it twist me off, then single fathers can learn to let whatever happened with the ex-wife go. I'm getting sick to death of every other divorced guy I meet playing the victim because he procreated with someone who turned out to not be the peach he thought she would be.

Sure, I understand worrying about your kids and the unpalatable influences an ex might have on them, but you know what? Tough. Be the best parent you can be and rest well at night knowing you did your best. If the mother of your children really is the devil incarnate, then you report her to the authorities and get your kids away from that situation. If not, then STFU, thank the Deity for another day, and deal with it one day at a time secure in the knowledge that you can't control everything you want. Kids don't need your bitterness, they need the hope that even when things don't come up roses, you can still appreciate what you have and not become yet another permanently disgruntled sufferer.

Yeah, I know that paying child support means that you're having to pen that check to a woman you probably can't stand, but hey, it's for the children. Think she's not spending right? Report it, otherwise see: STFU. I don't want to hear about it, because I support my kid financially without any assistance, and I don't complain, because it's just money and I learned to budget. While I'm on the subject, I'm really sorry that she took n amount of money from you when she left, but how is sabotaging any future relationship by constantly bitching about it going to help that? I didn't take your money and marry the gardener.

Quit waving around the "horrid" ex-wife as justification for becoming misogynistic control freak manipulators. You have trust issues? Fine. Get therapy, or masturbate and stay home. Don't transfer your impotent aggression toward the ex-wife on unsuspecting and unoffending women. Nothing that you do will ever make you "sure" of another woman, and we aren't all like her (though you really should ask yourself if it wasn't your responsibility, too... because it was, you know). Yes, there is the risk that I could be another disaster waiting to happen! There is no guarantee in relationships. Life didn't come with a money-back warrantee, or didn't you get the memo? Deal.

And stop with the guilt-presents for your kids. Nobody is going to pin an Enabler Badge on your chest as a reward for trying to buy your kids' love. Here's a clue: Kids love both of their parents, even the abusive fuck-up parents, but kids are also opportunistic. They'll play you off each other and take advantage of a situation if they can. So your ex-wife is trying to alienate you from your kids? Well, don't buy them presents; take responsibility and get them into counseling. You have that right as a parent, and yes, there are counselors who work weekends. There's all kinds of assistance out there for you. But if you're not going to do anything about it, then fuck you.

On the topic of subsequent women dealing with your kids, should you decide to marry again - or in the case of the non-marriage-minded, move your girlfriend in - letting your kids run all over her is a really terrific way to ensure another messy break-up. Kids are not miniature adults, and they should not have run of the house. That's just asking for juvenile delinquency and rampant disrespect. Yes, your kids should always have high priority, but this doesn't mean that you relegate your new partner to a rank of authority that is less than your kids'. If you don't trust your new partner enough to have that authority, WTF are you doing with them living in your home? Withholding that authority is just an ineffective, selfish, control-freak-manipulator way of trying to keep this partner from hurting you, not your kids. If you were really worried about your kids, she wouldn't be there in the first place. By the same token, don’t dump all the responsibility on HER and subjugate your role as parent to her.

Now, to be fair, after the bad ending of a long-term relationship with kids involved, there's going to be a certain period of grieving, anger, etc. However, if it's dragged on for longer than 2 years, yes, the problem is with you and the little habitat you've made for yourself in the narcissistic Victim Hole. Even with the most troublesome, irresponsible ex-spouse/parents, there are solutions available to you if you have the will to see them through. But mostly, it's a matter of your attitude. No matter how bad you think your situation is, somewhere out there, probably not very far from where you live, is someone who has it worse but manages to smile and see the good in their lives. Your life didn't end with divorce, and if you want any kind of happy future, you have to get your head out of the black cavern of your ass and realize that it's up to you to decide. If you can't manage that, then fine, be pathetic, but keep it to yourself and stop spreading it around to other women merely because you want to get laid. People like you have no business trying to make more kids to screw up, anyway.

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