How to be a Bitch on a Budget

by

October 2, 2009

Today, a practical column.  With this economic downturn, many people are suffering and having to downsize.

Like me.  I’m really frigging poor.  You have no idea.

If I died right this minute, my entire estate would comprise $5.37 in cash and savings and about $15,000.00 in high end slutty underwear that my ex husband bought for me.

I fritter away what meagre funds I have on medication.  I know, I know:  I’m such a profligate spendthrift, but old habits (like breathing) are hard to break. 

Still, it’s possible to economize if you’re creative.  With a little imagination, you too can laugh in the face of crushing poverty and crippling medication costs.

You’d be surprised at what you can do with things you have laying around the house if you think outside the box.

Stuff isn’t cheap, you know.  Everyday things.

Here are a few examples.

Toilet Paper

Do you know what this stuff costs?  Especially if you have crohn’s?  Even if you limit yourself to a few squares per blast, once those ulcerations start hemorrhaging, you can fell a forest in less than an hour.

A conundrum, let me tell you.  I’ve got ~ 80% of my bowel involved and I’m on blood thinner so once the fun begins, I can’t slow the spew.  Thank God I live alone.  My dearly departed was most forbearing about this, though even he kept his distance once I gave him fair warning.  It cut down on the fart jokes, anyway.  And once it starts, it’s like someone’s turned on the bleeding valve.  It ain’t pretty and that’s not even considering the parade of strangers with an unholy interest in sticking their fingers up my ass.  My point is that toilet paper is pretty much a necessity and they don’t just give it away. 

But it is possible to find an affordable alternative that has the benefit of being very eco-friendly.

 

Behold:

Voila!  Do you imagine those Persians are on that label by accident?  I think not.  And I happen to have two of their kind right here.  They’re even black so the stains won’t show.  Sure, they’ll hold a grudge but at least they won’t look like week-old snowbanks.

And look at the size of them!  The Royale people are being way too dainty using kittens.  I can’t afford to be coy about my bathroom requirements.  Ivan’s enormous --  see for yourself:

This should be fairly easy.  Ivan knows he’s not allowed in the kitchen or the bathroom so of course those are the two places he most wants to explore.  I figure I can lure him in by leaving the door open a crack, then grab him once he crosses the threshold, kick the door shut and take full advantage of his absorbent properties.

Annie, however, is another kettle of fish.  She attacks me if I look at her the wrong way:  she’s never going to put up with this.  I think I’ll save Annie for a particularly bad crohn’s flare.  Even then, I’ll have to keep her claws clipped and plan ahead.

She won’t fall for the old "leave the bathroom door open" ploy.  Nope.  I’m going to have to grab her fast and without breaking my stride, get in one good wipe and then fling her across the living room like a shotput before she has a chance to lay a glove on me.

Tampons

Like toilet paper, tampons are not a product you can do without.  And as tempting as it may be, I wouldn’t recommend you use the cats for this.  Don’t be fooled by the fact that if you squint those tails could stand in for strings.

And they’re hardly discreet.  Try finding an applicator for them:  go ahead, I dare you.

Sends shivers up my spine just thinking about it.

But you can make them.  Think about it:  what did women do centuries ago?  They all still had their periods - they had to deal with it somehow.

Hmm...if you’re like me, you will find that your dryer is ruled by a mysterious but implacable god that requires the sacrifice of one sock every now and again.  This has left me with at least 8 orphan socks.  So it got me to thinking and here’s what I came up with:

I know - it looks a little complicated but I’ll explain it.  Don’t be frightened by its size.  I haven’t tried it myself yet - I’ll be right up front about that now - but I’ll get back to you on it next month sometime.

OK:  take the toilet brush - you’ll need one with a stand. Place it on the bathroom floor approximately one foot from the tub. Then take one of your precious remaining rolls of toilet paper, stuff one of the socks into the centre, stick this whole thing on the handle of the toilet brush.  Climb up onto the edge of the tub.

Now jump.

I suspect that it may take a few attempts before you perfect your aim and I’ll admit that the dismount looks like it could be a bit of a bitch but this could actually work.

And I was going to throw those socks out anyway.

Food

Here is a glimpse in my fridge.

 I swear I didn’t take anything out. 

Contents?  One jug of Brita water, a lone onion and quite a few condiments.

Now you wouldn’t think you could come up with much of a meal with these ingredients, but don’t be hasty.

I also have this can. 

I have absolutely no idea what it contains.  The label fell off when I moved from Toronto in the summer of 2008 and remember how stoned I was back then?  This could literally be anything.

It’s liquid - it sloshes when I shake it.

Observe:  water + onion + the contents of this can (which I really hope is not paint) = "Onion Surprise"

I choose to believe that there’s a 50/50 chance that this is not only edible, but a culinary delight.  I hope to rise from my repast smacking my lips with satisfaction.

Snacks

Ah yes.  Snacks are pretty much a thing of the past now, unless you count fingernails.  But don’t get too regimented or you’ll only get resentful and start thinking you’re entitled to eat on a daily basis.  Every once in a while, you have to push the boat out a little.  Treat yourself, but only a little.

For example, I used to really love those Pepperidge Farm Goldfish crackers.  God, they were good.  But they’re well beyond my means now.

 

OK, the manufacturer is being disturbing vague and terrifyingly non-specific with the whole "creatures" thing but I can’t afford to worry about semantics at this point.

The Holidays

They are fast coming up, aren’t they?  And I think it’s my turn to host thanksgiving dinner tomorrow.  Whatever shall I do?

Hmmm...

Never mind.  It was just a thought.

Your New Meal Plan

Cheer up!  Things are not as bad as they look.  You’ll get the hang of this: I did.  Oh sure, I could be making thousands of dollars a month doing criminal defence law but until I find a safe place to hide my soul and my conscience, I keep insisting on representing only the innocent. 

I have one client.

I’m thinking of expanding my practice to include the drunk and stupid, which should liven things up a bit.

But in the meantime it’s pretty tight.

However things could be a lot worse.

You have to convince yourself of the same thing.  Things could ALWAYS be worse.  You have to have a plan.  I’m such a control freak, I like having dominion over the variables.

So here’s your new meal plan.  It’s not so bad, is it?  It’s working for me.

Meal	Ingredients	Pros	Cons	Cost
Breakfast: the most important meal of the day	Water and lots of it	Fills you up, keeps you hydrated	Monotonous	Free
Lunch	Whatever the other guy will spring for	If you play your cards right, this will be your one big feed of the day	Obliges you to let some lovesick loser/horny old geezer stare at your tits for an hour	Who cares?  You’re not paying
Dinner	Entire contents of fridge and pantry (onion, ramen noodles, mustard, ketchup, plum sauce, salt, cider vinegar)	Forces you to be creative, could foster newfound empathy with the unprivileged and Bobby Sands, finally gain insight into mother’s oft repeated invocation of multitudes of starving African children, remarkably slimming	Startling new taste combination will challenge even the hardiest of tastebuds	33 cents for the noodles at the Dollar store.  Mustard lasts forever.

 

But food and shelter aren’t your only needs, are they?

A girl’s got to have some fun, right?

As a virtual recluse, I’m probably not the best one to ask about this.  I also never sleep so I spend my time destroying my friends’ email inboxes with endless messages and random ravings.

But even I go out now and again.  And it turns out that you can have a lot of fun without spending a cent.

For example, one of my favourite jaunts is to pop down to my local pharmacy when they’re giving out the methadone to see if I can recognize anyone I met in the cells.

There’s lots to do at the local library too - AND a better than average chance of running into someone I met in the cells.  Who knew criminals were so erudite?

Bah, this is actually kind of fun if you like stress.   Think of it as a character building exercise.

You girls rock.  And the lads too, the lads too. You’ve all been sticking with me for nearly a decade now and I really appreciate it.  So here’s the deal:  would any of you consider visiting Canada and getting framed for a crime you didn’t commit?  Then you could hire me. 

And if I ever get off my ass and assemble a compendium or write a bunch of new columns for publication, you had all better buy it. 

I’m warning you right now:  I plan to overcharge for it.  I’ve suffered enough for my Art. 

Now it’s your turn.

Till next time,

 

Morrigan