May 20, 2008
See? I told
you there’d be a next time.
Yesterday was
not fun, but easier than I had reason to expect it to be, thanks entirely
to Instigatrix who babysat me remotely from New York, fed me lots of online stories
(her Brigade Saga – wonderfully silly and loads of funs) and kept me relatively
grounded.
That’s the thing
about these crises though: you really
find out who your friends are.
The cats and I
survived yesterday (it was iffy there for a moment or two for Ivan, but that
little bastard is faster than he looks) and no innocent bystanders were killed,
so I guess it’s all good.
I’m not at all thrilled about the fact that my day has
begun at 5 a.m. and began with a cat fight that occurred on top of me.
I’ve got a headache from hell, but maybe things will
look a bit better after I’ve had a coffee.
I’d really love to go back to bed, but it’s pointless. I was lucky to get 6 hours sleep.
I’m listening to some wonderfully hypnotic music
(Trespassers William – Different Stars) and reading the news. Things seem A-OK for sanity this morning,
but I’m about to take my meds so that’ll change.
This is the hard part of this first bit, fellow
seizurites: taking the meds when you
have this much clarity and you don’t particularly want to kill anyone. God, *this* feels great because some
of the meds have cleared my system. I’m
not back to normal or anything, but it’s plain I don’t have blood levels
yet. I don’t want to take the meds –
but I just did.
You HAVE to keep doing it. Even though you know what you’re in for. It’s 5:30 a.m. now and
I’ll check back in when my brain begins to melt.
This is all part of the Public Service Announcement
thing. If there’s even ONE of you out
there experiencing this and being scared, you need to know it’s possible to get
through it in one piece, with mind and personality relatively intact. I’m hauling you all along for the ride and
it probably won’t be pretty. Until I
get my sanity back in a more or less reliable form, you’ll be getting a column
a day on the process. Just in case it
helps someone else.
And let me stress that things might be different for
you. I metabolize things quickly. Really quickly. I heal really fast too. I
clear drugs out of my system at light speed, which is probably why I didn’t
have appropriate levels in the first place.
You might have a harder time of it. What might be a week of hell for me could
turn into a month or so for you. Or it
might be six months. Or it might not
ever really end.
But don’t go off your meds: you’ll seize. And when
you get suicidal or really angry, remember:
it’s just the drugs.
OK? I know
what I’m talking about here. Just read
through my back columns: you’ll see
that my seizures have been getting progressively worse since around 2004.
Back to the news for a bit. That ought to cheer me up.
Stand by….
And here we go…
Lunchtime now, or thereabouts and here’s another
hint. Although you may feel perfectly
up to it, going outside is probably not a good plan. Even old pros like me can get fooled into believing they can get
away with it. Err on the side of
caution: you probably shouldn’t unless you
absolutely have to. It’s dangerous.
I got stranded on someone’s lawn today when I went for
a walk around the block and the world went wonky on me. It didn’t last, but it wasn’t fun. Hallucinations, for those not in the know,
are also a feature of these meds. They
go away too. Mine generally confine
themselves to spatial and depth perception problems and are of short
duration. I didn’t stray far from home
but I had to get out of here because Ivan wouldn’t leave me alone.
Which brings me to the cardinal rule of riding this
roller coaster: as far as you are able
to, control your environment.
That means keeping the neurological stimulation to a minimum or at least
at a level you’re comfortable with.
Soothing music, soft lights:
whatever does the trick for you.
Anything else is going to ramp up the anxiety and more anxiety is the
last thing you need right now.
Oh, and stay away from the stove. Microwave everything, if you’re lucky enough
to be able to eat. And no baths – just
showers and make them quick. You don’t
want to lose your bearings in there, trust me on that. Avoid the stairs if you’ve got them. Fainting on this stuff is common.
If you’re on other prescribed medications, write down
what you take and when you take it. This is very important. You might forget to take an essential
medication or you could accidentally overdose.
And ONLY take what you’re supposed to take, when you’re supposed to take
it. Do not take anything else. No alcohol.
No pot smoking or whatever else you’ve heard will calm you down. I know you’ll be desperate for some relief
from this but the last thing your brain needs now is MORE chemicals: leave it alone.
Safety first.
Another important thing? No self-pity. Absolutely
none. It’ll lead you right back to
those nasty little suicidal feelings, so if you start feeling sorry for
yourself, shut it down immediately.
Music helps with that. I highly
recommend Eminem’s “Lose Yourself”, but find something that suits your own
taste.
Feel like you’re crazy? Technically you are, but it’s not your fault, so calm down. Your brain chemistry is being fundamentally
and profoundly altered by the drugs – it’s bound to be a bit unnerving. If you start feeling like an outcast because
of it, have a look at this snippet from Jack Kerouac and remember that not
everybody hates crazy people:
The only
people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad
to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn
or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow
roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars…
Laughing really
helps. Who cares if other people think
you’re nuts?
A case in point.
Today I also had
to go out to get my blood levels checked and I had to pick up another
prescription. (This was the sortie that
convinced me I was OK to go for a walk.)
As I stood in
Shoppers Drug Mart, I glanced over at the magazine rack and saw this month’s
Cosmopolitan. On the cover was a huge
banner advertising an article promising to let you in on “The Secret to Getting
a Man Scorching Hot in Under 60 Seconds”.
I instantly had a visual of dousing some poor bastard in gasoline and
setting him on fire. This struck me as
the most hilarious thing in the world and I stood there laughing darkly as
people just stared at me.
So what? I didn’t actually do it, but it sure
was fun to imagine.
And nobody died.
See you
tomorrow.
M.
