Here Kitty, Kitty...

January 14, 2009

Meet George: http://www.louisvillefreeface.com/

There are a few things George would like you to know:

1.       He lives in Louisville, Kentucky.

2.       His hair is “died” (but more about his religion later).

3.       He’s a Virgo.

4.       He’s six feet tall.

5.      He has a “burning sigil of baphomet” on his chest.  Surprisingly, this is not a symptom of tertiary stage syphilis, but some sort of tattoo.

6.       He bears a painful resemblance to Kid Rock (but with less obvious hygiene).

Here’s more about George:

His favourite holiday is Halloween, he claims to have an IQ of 154, he is single, he has a degree in accounting and one in science, his turn ons include vampires, the Gothic Scene and “religions that employ the use of magick” (with a “k”).  He collects transformers (the toys) and swords and medieval weaponry though the latter, he admits with green chagrin are “temporarily out of his possession” and no doubt lodged in the evidence room of the Louisville Police Department.  Dazzled yet?  Read on…George likes giving massages and reading but he also enjoys “Intelligence Puzzles”. 

But his accomplishments don’t end there.  Like any self respecting renaissance man of the Gothy persuasion, George has a keen interest in theology.  He is an “ordained minister of the Universal Life Church” and used to be (before the schism I’m guessing), a “dedicated and initiated Wiccan Priest in the Coven of Uncharted Waters” and is licensed to perform marriages in 48 states.

Distressingly, he is liable to appear in public (and presumably your wedding photos) looking like this:

but only because George wants you to know that he is hardcore. None of this Twilight nonsense – that’s for poseurs who stoop to guyliner and manscaping.  George is the Real Thing.  You can just tell by looking at him that every time he takes a crap, bats fly out of his ass.

You wouldn’t suspect it at first glance, but it appears that George is quite an animal lover.  How do I know this?  Well, George put up a whole website devoted to his love of “licking the kitty”.  He’s advertising for volunteers.

It’s hard to find one so devoted to proselytizing; that speaks of a real commitment but there are limits and George is up front about them right from the get go.  He won’t, for example “go down on anyone who is on the rag unless [they] are dating”, which is the last thing I would have expected from a vampire.

But let’s get to it.  Are you listening, George?

As it happens, you’re in luck.  I’ve got a kitty right here that hasn’t been licked in absolute ages and God knows, she could use the attention – she’s awfully bored and you know what kitties are like:  they get destructive when they’re bored

George, cats are notoriously fickle creatures and you’re bound to have scared a few of them off already – they tend to be quite fang-averse.  Once mine got a firm grip on the visuals, she scooted under the bed and it’s going to take some serious coaxing to persuade her to budge.  This doesn’t bode well, George, so easy with the teeth, OK?

George, I’m impressed by your dedication and I simply have to share this with my readers – girls, George is so committed to ensuring that your kitty is lovingly licked, he asks for particulars about the feline’s preferences.  For example, George queries, when the actual licking is happening, will your kitty enjoy some extra attention?  If not, that’s just fine but in case the rambunctious little scamp is particularly playful, George wants to know if you think the following optional add ons would enhance your kitty’s pleasure:

• tongue and hands
• pop rocks
• finger placement
• Alka Seltzer
• Ice cubes
• Altoids
• Electricity
• Other (George will explain)

These are unique suggestions, George: you’ve obviously put a lot of thought into this.   I don’t think my kitty has ever played with any of these things – and I have to say, the last time I went looking for toys for her, I was a bit daunted by the selection and just gave up.  I know, George, I know:  I really should have put more effort into it, but I’ve been lazy and have relied upon her to amuse herself with whatever she has to hand.  I’m not quite getting the Alka Seltzer thing – I’ve been having her regularly groomed so hairballs won’t be an issue.  She always digs her heels in when it’s time to have her fur attended to George, but she’s much happier once it’s done.    It was thoughtful of you to mention it, though.

I’d forgo the ice cubes too George:  my kitty isn’t all that fond of sudden changes of temperature.  And the Altoids – I take it you’re worried about my kitty’s breath, but she’s a fastidious creature and I ensure she’s always clean and sweet smelling.  Have no fear on this score.

But electricity?  I’ll be honest George, you had us right up to this point.  My kitty shot back under the bed and I can hear her growling as we speak.  And entre nous George, if you annoy her with ill-advised finger placement, she’ll probably scratch you.  Like most kitties, she’s devoted to getting her own way, but being an obvious feline enthusiast, you know this already. I don’t know what kind of kitties normally populate Louisville but around these parts, the whiff of violence is enough to have the little darling bolting for safety.  Maybe it’s a cultural thing, but Canadian kitties (I suppose I can only speak for mine) really prefer gentle stroking.  Oh, she enjoys a bit of rough housing as much as the next kitty, but she has to get to know you first.  But all things considered, George, I’m going to have to draw the line at electricity.   I can’t be running around with a singed kitty:  what would the neighbours think?

And what’s this about “other”, George?  I have to admit it gave me pause, what with you mentioning electricity and fangs.  I have to warn you George, if you piss this kitty off, I can’t answer for the consequences.  She’s got a violent streak and has been known to bite.  But if you treat her right, she’ll constantly be jumping up on your lap and begging for more attention.  I’m not even exaggerating, George.  Her enthusiasm in this regard really has to be seen to be believed and in this I think she differs from others of her ilk.  People think kitties are aloof and hard to please and maybe most of them are.  Mine, despite her occasional flashes of temper, is really unusually friendly.  Get her in the right mood and she’ll play for HOURS.  They say that a dog is a man’s best friend – I guess it seems more masculine somehow – but you know what, George?  That hasn’t been my experience at all.  I’ve known some very macho guys in my time, and they have all expressed an intense desire to play with my kitty.  The few who have seemed to be delighted with her temperament – dogs tend to be so slavishly obedient, George, and where’s the fun in that?  With my kitty, there’s an element of challenge just in getting her to notice you.  But once she decides she likes you George, she’s exceptionally attentive – in no time at all, George, her playful and affectionate nature will have you both purring.  I have to warn you though, once you get her all riled up, she’s not the type of kitty who tires easily and then slinks off and falls asleep somewhere.  She’s very demanding and I wouldn’t want to mislead you in this regard.  She’ll wear you out George, so you should take that into account when assessing my application.  I wouldn’t want to put you in the awkward position of leaving my kitty frustrated:  it tends to make her surly, so you have to be confident that you’re up to it.

Can I say right here that I think it’s large of you to offer to do this without recompense?  How rare it is these days to find someone with such a selfless attitude. And I had to chuckle at your whimsical sense of humour, George.  All you say you want out of this is a stream of referrals.  As you so punningly observed, word of mouth is the best advertisement.  Even my kitty snickered at that, George.  Good one.

I don’t want to waste your time George, so I looked at your “terms” page and was delighted to see that my kitty qualifies!  But just to put your mind at ease, I’ll go through it point by point:

·        You must be a woman of legal age to utilize this service:  No problem here, George.  My kitty and I are over the age of consent.

·        You must be clean:  I thought I’d gone through this already.  My kitty is immaculately clean.  My kitty has exemplary personal hygiene – and every time I take her off to get her shaved, they always put a bit of kitty perfume on her just for good measure. 

·        You must be single or in an open type of relationship:  I don’t see what my marital status has to do with anything, but you’re the boss George.  Both my kitty and I are as free as birds, so you needn’t worry that any other kitty lickers will feel usurped by your arrival on the scene.

·        I must think you are cute:  Oh George, George – I know it’s conceited to say so, but this is no place for false modesty:  my kitty is absolutely adorable. I’ve had nothing but the most lavish compliments on her. You’ll have to tell me what your preference is – I can arrange to have her see the groomer right before you meet her if you like.  I wouldn’t want bits of fur to get stuck in your teeth.  However, if you would rather see her in her natural state, I can cancel the appointment.  Let me know.

·        You must be nude:  OK George, have it your way:  shaved it is.  As I said, my kitty finds the experience a bit of an ordeal – and really, you’d think she’d be used to it by now – but since you’re going out of your way to please her, this seems like the least I can do.

·        You must be disease free:  my kitty has had all her shots and is certified disease free.  I agree with you on this one George:  it’s important to keep my kitty in tip top condition and I can assure you that it has been my practice to ensure that she always receives stellar and regular medical care.  You can’t put a price on a kitty’s good health.

·        You should let your friends know about your experience if you have a good time:  Oh believe me George, I will.   Once this gets posted, I’m sure ALL my readers will be dropping you a line.   pomlias_asmodeus@yahoo.com is your correct email address, right? 

That’s a really sick and totally satanic screen name, by the way:  as soon as I read it, I was seized with an irresistible urge to draw pentagrams on my wall and shout “All hail the dark Lord” in your honour. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asmodai

I’m sure all my readers will feel obliged to pay tribute to your total awesomeness: pomlias_asmodeus@yahoo.com

Let’s move on to the next page, shall we?  The one entitled “About me”.

George, I was captivated by the little animated dancing cats:  they sure do look happy.  And your motto: “Always gotta keep the kitties happy!” is so reassuring.  It’s a weight off my mind knowing that my best friend will be in the hands of such an enthusiastic kitty licker.  Who says customer service is dead?

I see you answer to a number of different names – George, Vampire Lord or God – but I know you’re just being modest.  I’m a convent girl, George, so of course I know that Asmodeus is the Demon of Lust, also known as The King of Nine Hells. That’s SO cool, but let’s stick with George for now, OK?  It’s obvious you want to stay on the DL or why else would you take a job as a math tutor?  Your secret is safe with me, Your Majesty.   Maybe if my readers wind up emailing you themselves at pomlias_asmodeus@yahoo.com they’ll come up with some new nicknames for you that will help you blend seamlessly into the world of mortals until that day when your true magnificence can be revealed to us. 

Now, on to the Application Form itself.

·      Name:  Annie

·      Age and date of birth:  I’m assuming you want me to do the conversion into human years?  Well, I don’t know for sure what her exact birthday is, but she’s about 7 or 8 so if we multiply it by 5 to get the equivalent in human years, she’s between 35-40.  I’m not sure, but I think I read somewhere that this is some sort of peak for kitties.

·      Relationship status:  My kitty is single, George, footloose and fancy free.

·      Body type:  I’d have to select “curvy where it counts” on this one.  Although my kitty is on the slender side, she definitely has some pretty dangerous curves.  In fact, the men who’ve had occasion to pet her have remarked on it.  I have it on excellent authority that nobody would kick my kitty out of bed for eating crackers. 

·      What kind of woman are you:   This is a tough question, George, but given the fact that she’s partial to black, I’d have to say my kitty is a bit of a Goth.

·      What race are you:  Persian (but without the pushed in face)

·      What is your religion:  Another tough one.  My kitty doesn’t seem to be an adherent of any particular faith George and I would hope that you’re not going to waste valuable kitty licking time in attempting to convert her to the Universal Life Church.  There’s a time and a place for these things, George, and I don’t think my kitty would take kindly to being preached at while you’re tending to her.

I see you’re soliciting photographs of prospective kitties.  This initially gave me pause, as my kitty has always been rather camera shy and wouldn’t appreciate her likeness falling into the wrong hands.  Especially not right after she’s been groomed.  It’s a vulnerable moment for her (not to mention a chilly one):  I’m sure you can understand that.   I can’t tell you how relieved I was to read your solemn promise not to pass around any photographs I might send you of my kitty.  How noble of you to assure me that you would be the only one looking at pictures of my kitty:  your friends would never see them and you swore not to post them on the internet.  Whew!  It was a real load off my mind knowing I could trust you with this, but it’s no more than I would have expected from a man of the cloth such as yourself.  Perhaps my readers will contact you to express their admiration for your piety.  ( pomlias_asmodeus@yahoo.com )

That does it for the application but I couldn’t resist wandering over to your “Links” page.  I can see your faith has had a profound effect on you and that you are indeed a deep thinker.  I knew this as soon as I saw that you’d posted the Eternal Question “Would you hit it?”  with several links to your picture. 

What can I say except “Wow”?  Given half the chance, I have to admit that I certainly would hit you George – in fact, I’d be honoured -- and I have no doubt most of my readers will be inclined to follow my example.  What was that email address again?  Oh yeah: pomlias_asmodeus@yahoo.com

I’m just hitting the “send” key now, George.  I know you’re likely up to your ears in prospective kitties and I’ll try to patiently await your answer, but please don’t keep my kitty in suspense for longer than you have to.  She’s already salivating in anticipation.

I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed, George (and by that I certainly don’t mean to denigrate your religious beliefs).  If it’ll help, I’m sure my readers would be delighted to urge you to look kindly upon my application (pomlias_asmodeus@yahoo.com). 

Till next time,

Morrigan (and her kitty!)

P.S. My kitty and I were both just like totally blown away by your website.  I’m not ashamed to say that I was speechless when I saw it.  I was so struck by it in fact that I sent a link to Fab, who was totally blown away too.  She described your gothy coolness as “a cross between D’Artagnan and Deliverance”, which really says it all.  

I have a feeling that in a few years from now when you attempt to find a job more suitable to your stature as a King of Hell, prospective employers will be similarly lost for words.  Good thing the internet is as Immortal as you are, George.  I wouldn’t want to deprive any future generations from having a look at this.

Till next time,

M.