Carolyn
I am an amiable person but have a low tolerance for idiots and
frequently do not resist the temptation to hand out "stupid" signs in my
own way. Tact often suffers.
Once, an editor told my team of reporters that we were going to have to
start using long-distance codes when dialing from our desks, but such
codes would not be necessary for long-distance faxes. I pointed out
(while still in the staff meeting) that anyone who wanted to make
long-distance personal calls could conveniently use the fax phone. He
pegged my approach to life correctly when he responded, "Carolyn, you
have seen the flaw in my plan and you have driven a Mack truck through
it."
Same office: A senior VP in my office announced that he would be
reviewing the results of our mandatory insurance physicals for a new
insurance carrier the company had selected. I'm the one who marched into
his office and suggested, in quivering indignation that the results of
my latest Pap smear were on a "need to know" basis. (His stammering
argument: "I'm trying to assure that you're getting appropriate care."
My response: "That's between me and my doctor. Or will you be attending
the exams with your own flashlight and speculum, too?")
Funny how some men just WILT.
Humor is my defense against the indignities of life. I hate gyno exams,
and I remember one time when my doc had me all suitably bared and had
urged me to scoot down to the end of the table, draped with the
"modesty" sheet over the tops of my thighs while he shone a hot, bright
light on my crotch and leaned in to do his work. I blurted out that if
he started casting shadow puppets in his own little pussy amphitheater,
I was outta there. (He got used to me. Eventually.)
I write letters to the editor, page my legislators to call me back so I
can tell them my thoughts when they are trying to pass stupid bills,
speak my mind, and discuss the issues that arouse my passions -- whether
I am in church, at work, or at home. I'm currently working on broadening
my pastor's mind about issues such as why our country should legalize
homosexual marriage, the flaws of intrusive religion, how separation of
church and state is not the same as "banning God from the schoolroom,"
and the annoyances of "witnessing" campaigns within a church.
When I'm angry, my wit gets sharper. I recall telling one woman that she
had all the warmth and charm of an ice-water enema.
It's not all wit, though. Sometimes it's just recognizing the ridiculous
elements in other people's attempted manipulations of me. I recall my
response when my first husband was kind enough to present me with a list
of my flaws -- two major ones and five minor ones -- that I was to
address immediately if I wished to retain the privilege of remaining
married to him. I believe the word "action plan" figured somewhere in
his carefully prepared speech. (I couldn't help laughing, mostly. I was
pretty succinct with just, "No thanks.")
Yes! I want to read more from Real Life Heartless Bitches
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