Amber
I wrote this as a parody, because I can't stand these people.
Today, I am going to teach you how to be whiny bitches!
First, you will cultivate an eating disorder. If you do not actually
develop an eating disorder, you will tell everyone that you have.
Then you will start dressing to accentuate your worst features. Clothing
must always clash with your skin tone, be too tight or far too loose and
have an odd fit. You will be drowning in your clothes, or they will
be drowning in you. Look at you! You in the front, with the
perky breasts! Start slouching! Shoulders forward! Head
down! Tummy out! There, now don't you feel better? Have
an éclair.
Now that you have developed body image issues, you must evaluate your
career and decide that you are under-appreciated at your job and you hate
it, but you can't quit because you still owe Visa for all those monstrously
ugly, ill-fitting clothes you got at Le Chateau.
Before continuing your career introspection, use the last $25.00 on
your credit card to buy a box of chocolates to chow down on while you stagnate
in front of your TV for 5 hours. Contemplate eating sensibly and
exercising, then come to the conclusion that you are too tired and unmotivated
(lazy) to get off your ass and do it. Set alarm clock for 2 hours
before you have to go to work anyway. When it goes off, decide that
you can get away with a few more minutes of sleep. Wake up late after
ignoring alarm for 2 hours and rush to your shitty job.
To recap so far:
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Body image issues - check!
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Career apathy and loathing - check!
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Lack of motivation to change - check!
Now, to top off your impending whinefest, think about all the failed relationships
you've ever had. If you aren't seeing anyone, blame it on everything
you hate about your life, then blame all the stupid jerks who didn't realize
just how great you really are. Glare at your cat as you do this out
loud. If you are currently involved, start doubting your relationship.
Think of all the things your partner does that annoys you. Become
paranoid that they are thinking about ending the relationship. Start
accusing them of taking you for granted. Apologize. Start doubting
you are good enough for them. Become self-righteous and think they
aren't good enough for you.
Call all of your friends and complain that you have no friends.
Accuse them of never being there for you. Launch into how pathetic
your life is. Apologize. Move through each topic slowly and
painfully. Dismiss every suggestion your friends give you to improve
your life. Finally realize that all your problems are really your
parents fault. Get really mad. Start feeling sorry for yourself
because you were so badly treated as a child and it's given you horrible
self-esteem issues. Cry. Apologize to your friends again.
Reminisce about all the fun times you had when you were drunk/stoned/high.
Go out and get drunk/stoned/high. Lament that your life is so terrible
that you need drugs to make it better. Alternately cry and apologize
until you are no longer coherent or pass out from hyperventilating.
Yes! I want to read more from Real Life Heartless Bitches
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