Susan
I'm a Heartless Bitch because I moved beyond my pitiful victimhood
and built a life as a strong, successful and independent woman.
My "wha wha" story is that I grew up in foster care in the Bronx and was
adopted into an abusive, alcoholic home and then gravitated to abusive men. In
my pitiful victimhood, from the ages of 12 to 29, I was in one abusive
relationship after another.
How I became a Heartless Bitch is: in the 10th year of my abusive
marriage I decided I had had enough. After a particularly brutal fight, I left
in the middle of the night with no job, no education and 3 little boys (8,5,4)
in tow. (I was all about the drama at that time).
I left because I did not want my sons to grow up and be abusive and I was
tired of losing everything (money, clothes, self-respect) to hold onto to this
abusive, cheating asshole I had married. I was sick of him blaming me
because he was abusive and because he cheated ("if only you hadn't....").
I was tired of looking for approval from him and from people who wouldn't give
it in a million years (my family, the in laws). I was tired of trying to
get other people to feel sorry for me. I was tired of wringing my hands and
walking the floor. I was tired of compromising myself to try to make other
people happy, especially people who seemed to have a goal in life of being
unhappy. Nothing I ever did was good enough and I was tired of turning
myself inside out to try to be "good" enough.
One day I just said screw it. I was tired of being a victim. I
was tired of the "wha wha" story. I was tired of blaming my situations on being
a foster child and then having abusive parents. I was tired of not taking
responsibility for where I was and what had happened to me.
I knew there had to be a better life than this.
I got a job and then moved away from everyone and everything, went to
therapy and learned how to stop accepting the unacceptable. I learned to
have boundaries, set limits and walk away from assholes and jerks.
When I set boundaries with my ex and my manipulative family, they told me
that I was "mean" now. They were upset that I had learned words like "no" and "I
don't care" and "that doesn't work for me" and "that's not my problem." They
would start prattling on and on about what was "wrong" with me, I replied with a
line an HB role model taught me: "What you think of me is none of my
business." They were temporarily stunned into silence.
But they never really answered the clue phone and eventually I had to just stop
speaking to them. They would try, time and time again, to turn me back
into the people-pleasing doormat I had once been. They didn't get it so I
had to cut the ties. Every now and again I receive some whiny letter from
them about how unfair I was to them. (Yes, sticking up for myself and not
taking their crap was somehow unfair to them). I think about answering
these letters for about 3 minutes and then throw it away and get back to my
life.
When I left my abusive marriage I wouldn't move away from you if you hit me
with a board (literally or figuratively). Then I learned to walk away if
you pinched me, then I walked away if you even LOOKED like you were going to
pinch me.
My family and my ex always made fun of me for wanting to go to school. They
said it showed how egotistical and lazy I was (responsible people got jobs and
apparently college is effortless). I decided the hell with those messages
and went back to school. I took a few classes and did well and then
applied to a women's college. The ex found out I was going to a women's college
and said I was an "ugly-ass feminist lesbian" and he always knew that when we
were together. I said, "okay whatever", and went onto earn my degree
graduating magna cum laude and Phi Beta Kappa while working and raising 3 kids.
I liked the "lazy route" so much, I went to graduate school and then to law
school. Lazy rocked.
While learning to be an HB, I didn't have to shout from the rooftops that I
wasn't going to take crap from people. I just stopped taking it. When I
was dating, I would turn on a dime if a red flag came up or a guy engaged in
unacceptable behavior. I broke up with guys for what my friends thought
were trifling reasons. They thought my standards were too high. I said I
would rather be alone than put up with anything from anyone. They said I'd
never find anyone to meet my lofty standards. I said, "That's fine so long
as *I* meet my lofty standards". It has been more important for me to be
true to myself that any other thing.
So I kept my standards high and loved my life. It was fun and
fulfilling even without a man. But one day I met a man who fell in love
with me, the real me, the independent not-take-crap-from-anyone me. He's
not weak or sappily nice and would not allow himself to be mistreated.
He's a Harley riding Vietnam vet machinist who knows who he is and is happy with
that. My education doesn't threaten him. He doesn't have to mistreat women
to be a man. He is a real man who wanted a real woman not a doormat or
princess. He wants to be with an independent woman who knew who she was
and what she wanted. When we were getting married someone asked him what
he thought about the fact that I was keeping my own name and he said, "It's her
name. Why should you care what I think about it?"
We treat each other well and love each other unconditionally. We love
spending time together but we respect each other's boundaries and we each have
separate interests. He's never made me cry, never called me a name, never
cheated or lied, and you could count our serious arguments on one hand (in over
11 years).
When we met, he was raising his baby daughter alone and I was raising my 3
boys. We each were adamant about only being with people who would be good
role models for our children. My boys are grown and chose him, not their
bio father, as their role model. They treat women with love and respect
which is what I had hoped for when I left their deranged father. The baby
girl is now 14 and she's well on her way to being an HB. I've taught her
not to take anything from anyone. She is an honor student who wants to go
to the same women's college I went to and we encourage and applaud that.
I have made a life of my own where I'm healthy and happy and don't put up
with any crap from any one. I make a lot of money. I am financially,
emotionally and mentally independent yet I have a life full of people who love
and respect me that I love and respect.
After I left my first husband I stopped doing somersaults to try to make
people like me. Today if you don't like me, that is your problem.
My life only started to work after I threw off my victimization and became
a Heartless Bitch. I know that I am responsible for me and everything that
happens to me, no matter what.
Country: United States
Yes! I want to read more from Real Life Heartless Bitches
| 
