Tara
I'm a Heartless Bitch because... I moved from Boston to Los Angeles about 8 years ago. Unlike other young women in this city, I didn't move here to become an actress and a model, and NO, I don't have head shots. I came here, sensibly, because I was actually homeless back there at the time, and frankly, the idea of spending another winter outside, with layers of clothing piled on me didn't seem to appealing. So I bought a one-way ticket and I came. What pissed me off the most about the transition was the increased focus on my physical appearance. In Los Angeles, this seemed to be the new measure of my worth.
As an "ugly ducking" that transformed into a swanish-figure, this point-of-view was interesting, but extremely fucked up. I mean, I have real things to be proud of: I was homeless, I moved out here alone, I worked hard enough to get to UCLA to study computer engineering. This is a fucking accomplishment! Instead of being respected for this, it seemed that people were skeptical, and even turned off. I suspect that movie producers/directors/screenwriters, or whatever else people like to go by here, feel fear from a certain lack of power that they have over someone that is not willing to jump on the casting couch or otherwise.
Admittedly, I was initially bothered by the Massachusetts/Independent Bitch association, but now it is something I am quite proud of. I refuse to adapt to the belief that I am only worth as much as someone here is willing to pay for my appearance. I am ecstatic to be investing in myself, my mind, and my future, and amidst my bitterness, even feel sorry for some of the plastic "party girls" that will certainly burn out in a few years' time. If only they knew. To prevent this malfunction, I invest time with young preteen girls, to encourage them to pursue science and technology, if they so desire.
If time permits, one other thing that irritates me: the assertion that if girls are "pretty" and "nice" that they invite unwanted attention. What kind of weak-minded individual made this up in the first place? A person's appearance should not dictate their behavior. I often hear "attractive" women being accused of "asking for it," because they were friendly and conversational, etc. I hear men moan and complain frequently of girls that smile or laugh or make eye contact and then mistakenly associate this with sexual invitation. However, it seems that this perceived sexual interest only exists because the man himself is sexually interested. If there is particular man that does not find a particular woman attractive, and she laughs at his joke, no such invitation or suggestion exists. Because of this discrepancy, I, alongside others, are often told that we should smile less, dress more conservatively, be less friendly, etc. I'm sorry, but I refuse to act coldly to people just "in case" my good manners or respectful behavior be seen as a sexual invitation.
I certainly don't do things to invite attention, but at the same time, I refuse to apologize and minimize myself so that my well-intentioned behavior will be misconstrued. I refuse to walk on eggshells, apologize for my appearance, and act like a demure little mouse so as to avoid a little extra blood being pumped to some extra extremities. I treat people as equal, and I expect the same in return. It is not my dysfunction, but theirs.
Country: United States of America
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