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I was a classic co-dependent for most of my life.
During my divorce and with the help of a counsellor,
I faced up to what I was doing to make myself miserable. Since then,
my tolerance for other people's weakness and insecurities have been
minimized. Most people don't want help, they want you to do it for them.
They want more than they are willing to give. Me, I decided that I didn't
need to earn love by sacrificing myself (shudder, I actually believed that
for the longest time), and that I'm worth more than being treated like a
free ride. If you want to get there, get out and walk, just like the rest
of us. I did find out how fast I succeed when I dumped the dead weight of
clingers and abusers.
I've found that many people use their insecurities as justification
to try to control me. Well, you know, I had to face my demons, and
why should I reward abusive behavior by cooperating? It's like giving
a puppy a cookie every time he crapped on your rug. If you train
someone to abuse you by rewarding them with what they wanted, don't
complain about the "smell."
One of the things I've started to do is when someone whines to me
(usually for the fourth or fifth time) about the same damn thing,
and they don't want to do the necessary unpleasantness to fix it, I
tell them that they must be happy there. If they weren't, they would
solve the problem. And since they seem to be so happy there, I didn't
want to hear about it anymore, since I keep getting upset for them, and
it's wasting my energy. BTW, the previous three or four times that they
whined, I was pointing out options that they agreed would fix the problem.
However, when they don't do any of them, is when I tell them to shut up
and live with it.
What I find amusing is that if a woman does not act like the nurturing,
enabling, co-dependent that society expects, she is labeled "heartless."
I like to think of it as "adult." But if thinking that I do not deserve
abuse, and preventing others from abusing me makes me heartless, then
I am indeed a Heartless Bitch.
Go bitches!!
[after achieving Heartless Bitch of the Week status...]
"I am so honored!!! (gush) I'm sorry, but I didn't expect this, so I
didn't prepare a speech or anything - just these little 'ol notes (a
scroll of paper drops and rolls out over the floor like a roll of paper
towels) (wait, it is a roll of paper towels).
I would like to thank my old loves, who taught me *so* much about being
an HB. I would especially like to thank my ex-husband, who was the
final trigger in deciding whether to be a real HB or a doormat for the
rest of my life.
I would like to thank my old "friends" who used me as a crying rag,
gopher, perpetual favor giver, and just all around dope. It helped me
reach my full potential in just saying "no."
Above all, I would like to thank my Mom, for not supporting me or giving
me the encouragement I needed, and who taught me, above all, that if I
wanted something, to go get it for myself. In her own, very special
way, she was my model HB.
Without all of you, I wouldn't be the HB I am today! Thank you, thank
you....
(About now is when the orchestra music swells up and tries to drown me
out. After a couple more minutes of me trying to outshout the
orchestra, a starveling in a very expensive evening gown comes out and
tries to blind me with her artificial smile as she tries to gently drag
me offstate. Fortunately, her 3 1/2" heels prevent her from getting
good traction, so I continue with my Thank yous.
However, two gentlemen dressed in tuxes join her as they bracket me on
either side, gripping my elbows as they firmly lead me from the podium.
By now, the orchestra is well into the cannon section of the 1812
Overture, since this is the only piece that is actually louder than I
am. I let the two gentlemen get me about 3 feet from the podium, then I
fake right, dart left, and break free. My scroll wraps around the
ankles of the starveling, bringing her down in front of the two
gentlemen. They trip over her, breaking several of her bones and
getting tangled in the slitted sides of her gown.
I run downstage, jump into the orchestra pit, and grab the conductor's
baton. As I try to use it to remove his left nostril, security guards
surge in and spray me with pepper spray. Since the conductor got the
overspray, he starts to wave his arms wildly. The orchestra starts up,
trying to keep up with his gestulations.
As I am being dragged away, my arms and legs bound with plastic wire,
dripping tears and mucous all over the security guards, the orchestra
frantically plays on. In the critics' reviews the next day, they said
it was the most brilliant piece of impromptu composition they have ever
heard, and want to nominate the conductor for next year's Emmy for Best
Music for a Television Special Broadcast.)"
Now for the real message -
I *am* very honored and proud to be the HB of the week. Compared to
many of the other viewpoints on your site, I felt mine to be mild and
maybe too tame. I was even doubtful you would accept me because of it.
However, it is how I feel, and what I am.
I haven't given up on love, trust, or closeness. I just am very picky
about who I do it with. At the moment, I'm lucky enough to have found
someone who is an HB in male form (well, actually, he wasn't as much
before he met me, but he's been a quick learner.) We can *talk* as well
as have sex, and we can be self confident enough to express our own
opinions to each other without feeling that we are being judged, or that
the other person must "convert" to prove ourselves right.
One of my biggest accomplishments was how to differentiate between what
I "need" and what I "want". I need air, water, food, shelter, and a
place to go to the bathroom. I want to be with someone, succeed
financially, learn new things, and be happy. The advantage is that the
things I want are options that I choose, not things I feel I have to
give up things for (you know, like my self esteem, self pride, income,
space, and beliefs).
Yes! I want to read more from Real Life Heartless Bitches
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