Despite our best efforts to dissuade you, many of you have still decided to write to us with your problems, complaints and crises of the moment. We don't have a trained therapist on staff, and this isn't "Dear F*ckin' Abbey", but we DO have Bonnie, who has graciously volunteered her time and heartless perspectives in order to minister to (or macerate) the misguided, with "Dear Fuckin' Bon..."

September 30, 2002

Dear Bon,

I have sort of a dilemma(sorry if I spelt that wrong, my spell check is currently not working and I'm not necessarily a spelling wiz either) Anyhow, where shall I start...Well first off, I'm 17. I have this so called best friend who is pretty much what you call a fair weather friend I guess. We've been close for years, thick and thin. But the thing is is that it seems like everytime she has a boyfriend, even if it's with a guy she's known for 2 hours, she deliberately ignores me and how much time we used to spend in the past is completely vanished the second she is with someone new. What do I mean by ignore? Well, i.e. I call her and as soon as her boyfriend calls her on the other line she'll hang up with me and tell me she'll call me back but consistently never does. During school all she ever wants to hang out with is her damn boyfriend 24/7 and I mean I could understand that she's really into him and everything and wants to be with him, but she doesn't even give any of her true friends the time of day.

One specific situation that really bothered me was that we were planning on going out one night, just us two girls to go to the movies and of course said she'll call me back to let me know the move times, but instead she didn't and went out with some guy...I was so pissed. And I let her know I was upset because I think whatever comes out of confrontation whether anger is involved is good, but she just acted oblivious, shook it off, and said something like "Oh..I kind of forgot sorry" . I seriously don't think theres anything that could piss me off the most than someone who puts guys before there friends. And I really don't know what to do because she gradually changed and I don't like it and I can't decide whether or not I should just call off our friendship or what...Please help, what do you think?

~JessieJames~

Dear Jess,

My first question to you would be, is the account you wrote from your boyfriend's or your fathers? Not that it matters but it's another one of those questions that comes up a lot with young people. And you sound young, as does your friend. I think ultimately you can only tell her how you feel and see if she wants to get together with you or with a group of friends sans boy friend(s) once every week or so, or whether she really doesn't care. If she doesn't she's telling you that sorry, your friendship ultimately isn't that important to her. As I said, you do sound young, and she very well may grow out of it. Most teens get semi-obsessed with their first boy/girl friend or two.

Ultimately if your friendship is good the rest of the time, tell her that, and say that you don't want to lose that friendship but that it really hurts your feelings when she totally blows you off. You may have to compromise yourself. If, for example, you two dish on the phone every day when she doesn't have a boyfriend, you may have to accept that when she does, she's only going to have one or two talks like that a week, or only do something every other Saturday, or something like that. But I would make more of an effort to communicate how distressing you find it to be completely shut off. Then it's all in her court, and if she continues to blow you off, you'll have to decide if it's worth it.

I do commend you for letting her know that you won't tolerate being blown off at the last second. Ultimately nobody should put up with THAT kind of behavior from anyone, friend or romantic whatever. Keep that backbone, girl, and carry on.

Another thing to consider is that you may just be at the right age to make MORE friends, and not stick quite so tightly to a single best friend, especially one who tosses you in the scrapheap so quickly (and regularly). She may grow up sooner or later and realize how important friendships are, but you don't necessarily have to wait and see if she does.

good luck,
bon